Being Vulnerable

[talbed]

I have thought about this pretty hard, and am taking this next step.

One of the issues many BPD's face, in fact all of us do to an extent, is being abandoned by our loved ones.  A fear of vulnerability with our hearts and emotions... .just at a higher level with BPD's

So I am establishing that level playing field with my pwBPD (wife).

She is not aware of her BPD, but our MC is very aware and guiding me through... .we are getting her to that place of acknowledgment OR me more ready to just "accept" it and still find happiness.

I have just told my wife I am, at times, terrified of losing her.  That I love her more than anything and I derive much of my happiness from having her in my life.  And at times this makes me do things that look bad.  Whether it is being upset about something (that she will take as blame and shame and assault me with horrible words at times... .or fear that she is losing me, with the same end result).

I am doing this to be absolutely at her level... .she's my life partner afterall.  I will even ask her advice to help me through my fears and as she provides her insight, perhaps, just perhaps, her words may sink into her as well.  Because when I am vulnerable like this, she softens... .she can relate... .and she things with the non-triggered mind and heart and does provide great advice.  So I will benefit, and perhaps she will too.  And perhaps there will be more trust too.

This is scary as hell... .I admit that.  But I love her that much... .and have a fantastic therapist too .

We were in a bad place the last few days, and her tone went to "melt" when I shared this.  I may be a fool, or I may win another part of her heart.  I am willing to risk it... .

Wish me luck... .

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Talbed,

Wish me luck... .

Good luck

You and your therapist have been discussing vulnerability?  

When you get a chance and if you wouldn't mind, I'd really like to hear more about this.

Thank you for admitting that it's scary as hell.  It's been scary for me, too.  Opening up enough to actually expose my true self.  I have a lot of compassion for people with disorders; kinda get where they're coming from... .

[Grey Kitty]

Many here have found that their pwBPD had a good and insightful attitude at "good" times.

It is a risk, but you seem to be getting her better side when you take it.

I'm guessing that you don't do this sort of thing when she is in a bad emotional place. If it doesn't go well, re-consider if you did it the wrong way, at the wrong time, or if something else changed. Meanwhile, keep on doing it when it feels right.

I think you are being brave, not foolish. Keep it up!

 GK

[123Phoebe]

I'm guessing that you don't do this sort of thing when she is in a bad emotional place. If it doesn't go well, re-consider if you did it the wrong way, at the wrong time, or if something else changed. Meanwhile, keep on doing it when it feels right.

Thank you Grey Kitty for bringing this up.

It sparked some thought... .  For me, part of vulnerability is also feeling free to express ourselves when angry, sad, irritated, annoyed etc; the not so pleasant emotions.

And being able to do this without making the situation worse.

Vulnerability + Compassion = Acceptance?

I don't know   Have to give this some more thought... .   

[connect]

I have opened up about things to my bf that i hadnt told any other bf before. He has been really good when I have done this - very helpful. I agree its about picking the best time to do it too. I am planning on speaking to my bf more about this stuff as soon as I can actually so I like the timing of this thread.

I have also seen the "softening".

My bf says he feels much closer to me when i do talk about these difficult things.

Looking forward to seeing what replies you get here  

[talbed]

It really is about picking the right time to be vulnerable. 

I will say this... .there have been times before when I have expressed vulnerability and had my head handed to me on a bloody platter... .ok, not handed to me but thrown against the wall.

And does a part of me think this will not be thrown up to me later as some sort of dysfunctional emotion or weakness?  Yea... .

But though trying to be strong about it... .there is a part of me that won't toil away years, or even many months, in this kind of cyclone of bs too.  If she throws it in my face, it is yet one more piece of information that our MC will have to show my pwBPD that she is indeed "not right" and either address, or lose yet another good man - with a pseudo restraining order on her (she has a couple of "under no circumstance ever attempt to contact me again" statements against her... .

It's really that simple... .  I will be true to myself in or out of this relationship.  I have lost too much already and claiming it back.

[talbed]

Yes, I have discussed vulnerability with our MC in private sessions... .it has also been brought up in shared sessions as well.

Without expressing vulnerabilities, there cannot be trust/intimacy.  Without turst/intimacy, there cannot be a relationship.

This has been drilled into us in sessions.

This is a MUST for me in a marriage.  If I don't have it, well... .  there is a million others out there seeking the same.

This has to an internal conviction... .presenting it while walking through a mine field is the true skill... .

[Grey Kitty]

It sparked some thought... .  For me, part of vulnerability is also feeling free to express ourselves when angry, sad, irritated, annoyed etc; the not so pleasant emotions.

And being able to do this without making the situation worse.

Indeed. And that is the sort of thing you can do in a grown-up sort of relationship with another emotional grown-up sort of person. At least most of the time

I've also limited the subject of my vulnerability. I notice that none of this vulnerable sharing mentioned is about how you were hurt by the pwBPD. That is beyond the emotional capacity of a pwBPD--Even if you do get them to listen to that instead of attacking you back, they are almost certain to just fall into beating themselves up over how they treated you.

... .which never made me feel much better anyway--I was looking for her to understand how I was feeling, and that is turning it back on herself again.

[Chosen]

For me, personally, being vulnerable in from of my uBPDh is dangerous.  He has used it as a weapon before, to punish me, to "hit it where it hurts", so to speak.

As Grey Kitty said, even if I managed to voice out how hurt I was by him/ how he treated me made me feel sad, it never makes be better, because he will either say stuff like "you're feeling wrong", or attack me and say I don't appreciate him.  Which makes things worse and I end up feeling worse too.

Now, things are a bit better, and I feel like I can be vulnerable sometimes in front of him, but I do limit the details I spill out.  E.g. I'm feeling terrible at work, I will tell him as much (if he's in the right mood), but I won't go into too much details. 

I agree that timing is very important, and when they're feeling especially fragile, we may have to put ourselves in second place, or else they will feel overwhelmed and can't handle it.

[connect]

Good thread. I have been warned on here before that sometimes pwBPD do have a tendancy to throw something personal you have shared with them back in your face as a critisism at a later date. I have had this happen to me a couple of times but not in too bad a way more in a "well YOU have issues too - you're as bad as me!" kind of a way. So not too bad.

I had a personal, vulnerable conversation with my SO this weekend. He did respond well to my stuff. I also spoke briefly about my feelings around his silent treatments and told him my own truth that I dont like to go to sleep on a row and drag things out. It was a good two way talk and he was supportive and helpful about my personal stuff. After a while I noticed he was starting to misinterpret a few things I said so I stopped the heavy convo. He thanked me for speaking to him like that and seemed to let down some of his own walls too resulting in a nice weekend.

So I would say its a good thing to do if you can get the timing right and be able to gauge when you need to stop the conversation.