BPD ended friendship---again

[shatra]

Hi

Things are going okay with my partner... ,.this post is about a long-term BPD friend. We have broken off contact over the pat several years, and have reconciled the friendship each time. Last year I had posted about how he helped me with a house issue, he then got offended when I was "cold" to him afterwards---he responded by booting me out, I then was nasty to him, and he deducted  a percentage of the money I had given him to help me with the house---in other words he pocketed part of my money. I was very upset, as was he. I partly "mourned" the friendship, assuming it was really over that time.

   He initiated contact a month later, and since then We had occasional contact, and last week I told him over the phone I was still upset over what he had done.  He refused to talk about it and ended the call. He called again today and told me he is upset with me, and hurt because I had been nasty to him and I had brought up last year's mess again. I said if he hadn't provoked me I wouldn't have been nasty. He said he had thought of ending the frinedship "if we can't get past this".

    That sounds borderline to me----cutting things off and ending frinedships whenever there is a conflict. I said it's better to work it out--he agreed, I acknowledged to him that I had overreacted and had been cold and nasty. I asked him to acknowledge that he had booted me, and basically stole my money.  We went back and forth about how he and I had each paid for things in the past.  I repeated that I was angry that he had booted me, and that he took the money. I felt he had only helped me in order to get paid, which he denied.

  He repeated that if we can't get past it, he wants no more contact, the friendship is "over", and no more calls or emails either from or too him, I stuttered, felt anxious, and again said he should acknowledge his wrongdoing, He said "I didn't do anything wrong".  He threatened to  not call ever again and I told him it's up to him.

   We said goodbye, I have mixed feelings---relieved in a way that this might be the end, and the drama is over. Still angry and feeling "ripped off". Upset that I acknowledged my part but he didn't acknowledge his. Baffled that he  would end it over a conflict (we have had other conflicts worse than this---ended the friendship and reconciled). And I feel sad, since I am not going to reach out, and if he doesn't this time, the friendhip is really over. Feedback?

Thanks

Shatra

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[123Phoebe]

Hi shatra,

I'm really sorry that this is going on with your friend.  Sounds like it's pretty uncomfortable being friends with someone who would boot you and rip you off, yet not own up to it...

If he calls you again, what will you do?

Are you willing to let go of what happened in the past, or no way?

[shatra]

Hi

  Thanks for replying. Well,, from his viewpoint, he "earned" some money by helping me out (and in the past I had given him a cash gift for spending his time helping me)---yet he basically took the money without asking me or asking how much I would be willing to give him.

    And he feels justified by telling me to leave his apt since I was acting cold to him.  (I was out of town visiting him, and then felt not only hurt, but had to suddenly locate a hotel and pay for that!)

  From my viewpoint, I feel robbed, and am upset that I had to lose money to him (i.e.---he stole it), and lose more money by getting a hotel. So I feel angry and hurt. Plus the fact that he would end the friendship over this sounds very borderline. I am glad that I told him I had overreacted, and owned up to being cold---I wish he would own up to his part, yet he won't.

In answer to your questions, if he calls again I would want to talk about this more. Can I let go of what happened? Yes, eventually---yet, I would like him to apologize and help me out either by making amends or paying me back directly.

Thanks

SHatra