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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: She came and went  (Read 4819 times)
Eric1
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« on: November 15, 2013, 12:35:25 PM »

She turned up on my doorstep last Thursday. We went for a drink and she said she loved me and wanted us to work it out. I said it would take time as we needed to make sure that our problems were sorted and I needed to regain her trust.

She raged after a night out. Again.

She just called and said she needs to work out why she gets angry and to deal with her issues as he's scared she's gonna hurt me or worse, get physical. I said that's fine & that we will carry on as we were. I said that I'm not waiting for her but I'm glad that she's looking at getting herself sorted out.

I told her not to contact me again as I want to carry on with my life.

F-ck sake. Why, why don't I learn.
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 12:49:07 PM »

Hey Eric1, this is a tough one.  I would have done the same thing... .gone for the drink and heard her out.  For me, I would have listened and believed... .not an unreasonable choice, and it is the way I would want her to react to me.

Ah, but it is so painful.  For F-sake, I think you are learning. 

In my case, I learn the path by walking into all the obstacles first.  The path seems to be what is left after bumping into everything.  And, really, I am okay with this.  The thought of shutting things down without taking that chance doesn't feel good for me.  I am learning that there is an "appropriate zone" between risking my emotions in the hope something works out and protecting myself.  I am a bit risk oriented.  Don't want to lose that, but don't want to get burned like I was.

All this being said, I have about exhausted the obstacles now and I am mostly walking on level ground!

Thanks for your story.  You are on the right path. 
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 12:51:40 PM »

Eric,

You are only human my friend. Intellectually you know she is bad for you, emotionally you still care and love her. I can understand that struggle to come to terms within on how to deal with conflicting emotions. I struggle with this daily. I know she isn't good for me and yet I miss her. A cruel paradox. And it hurts.

Hang in there.
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Eric1
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 01:02:14 PM »

She said she needs to deal with her anger because she doesn't want to lose me for good. I said I can't wait around for her.

It's messed with my head again. I feel really upset.

She said she loved me so much and realised how much of my life she missed, to now being like this 7 days later. I needed to take things slow.

I've just texted her saying 'Arent you worried about losing me for good?

No reply.  She said she was going round her mums for a chat, but I don't believe it.

I was doing so well, why did she do this to me?

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« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2013, 01:14:10 PM »

Eric,

If this was easy, none of us would be here commiserating with one another.  I think a fair number of us would have gone for that drink and loved to have heard what she had to say.  So don't beat yourself up for having gone and heard her out--even if you weren't interested in reconciliation, it was a compassionate thing to do.

The fact that, even after her telling you all that, you had the courage to tell her not to contact you again is another small victory in moving forward.  There are going to be doubts back and forth along the way... .many of us are experiencing that.  But you are starting to get there, mate.
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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2013, 01:14:17 PM »

She did this because she is messed up in the head.  She CAN'T behave like a normal person because she ISN'T a normal person.  The hard part is, in their lucid moments it's hard for us to SEE them as that screwed up.  And we wish things were different so we are more inclined to believe them because we WANT that to be reality.

It isn't.  This will be a cycle for her when she needs something.  Sometimes we have to see it over and over again to stick because we also rewrite things in our mind.  We "forget" events or remember them differently.  We idolize the good parts of them while ignoring, downplaying or forgetting the bad.

You are not alone.  None of us wanted to accept it.  Time to start thinking of yourself and you plans.  This will continue in cycles.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2013, 01:15:09 PM »

I told her that I would stick by her and help her through her issues, but she said she needed to do it alone.

I wanted to be with her, but I needed to take it slow. I'm lost.

Do I fight for her, leave it, wait? Should I call her tomorrow?

I'm lost, I wanted her to return, she did & now she's gone.

She said she doesn't get angry with anyone else, just me. But I said she has been like it with every other boyfriend, that she hit one of her ex's, that the other day, she got into an argument with a random man in the pub. She argued with a man on our first date.

Oh my days. I'm back to square one.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 01:17:20 PM »

You can't help her Eric. I know this isn't easy to accept.
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Eric1
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« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2013, 01:22:26 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mindframe that we can't get back together, ever.
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« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2013, 01:26:04 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mindframe that we can't get back together, ever.

I tried that. Backfired spectacularly.

You need time away from this girl and she needs time away from you if your her enabler.

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« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2013, 01:28:39 PM »

To support her is a noble gesture, friend. But to what end? She has shown you again and again that she will hurt you. I know you wish to be by her side, I get that. She will not fully understand this. We cannot protect you, but we will be here for you either way.
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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2013, 01:58:57 PM »

I'm gonna messaged her and lay it on the table.
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« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2013, 02:11:52 PM »

Eric - I've been there. That road that you are on is so familiar to me. My ex was very conscious of the problems she had and the way they affected her life. She told me many times that she wanted to try to figure things out, that she could only do it alone, that she needed to find herself before she could give me her all. Two years later, she contacted me. We had spoken on occasion in between that time, however, this time was different. She wanted to try again. She felt like she was in a place that she could finally be the girlfriend I needed her to be. "It was always you downandout." "You were almost the one that got away downandout." "My family always knew we would end up together downandout." "Marry me downandout." 3 1/2 months later. We have no passion. I'm flawed (she called out my flaws every chance she got). She loves me, but she's not sure if it's enough to sustain a lifelong relationship. Here I am now Eric.

Point being - it doesn't get better. Unfortunately, it really doesn't. Maybe she tried to get it together during our time apart. She claims she was in therapy and that the therapist told her that she was fine and she knew exactly what she wanted (hmmm). Oh, by the way, when she was supposedly "figuring it out" she was in several different relationships, two of which that I'm aware of there was talk of marriage and they only lasted for three months at a time (her own admission). It doesn't get better! We support you 100%, and believe me I know it's difficult, but how many times will you keep running the gauntlet before you realize that the path sets you up for failure? Maybe some make it to the end, but most don't. You have to ask yourself how much pain youre willing to endure to reach the end of that path that may, or may not, have a happy ending.
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« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2013, 02:15:36 PM »

Eric she isn't going to change, I know that's not what you want to hear but its true.

Nothing you text her will make any difference, she's disordered, mentally ill.

She will see you still care for her and use that to hurt you.
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« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2013, 02:16:12 PM »

Eric, they are simply words. When you place import on every word a pwBPD says, aspirational desires take hold. You create expectational interests within your mind--but fulfilling your relational expectations will only be a transitory blip on the radar of her mind. Your needs are not her needs. Her words and actions are subject to disordered change and in many instances neither love, nor caring will influence her choices/compulsions.

If love and caring were capable of effecting sustainable relational change--their cycles of unstable relationships would cease when becoming involved with a compassionate non. But from this board we can see that is not so. They march to their own dissonant internal drummer.  If I was a young person aspiring towards traditional institutions like marriage and children--I would steer clear from becoming involved with a person who has this disorder. I believe the short-term pain of denying the heart, is greatly offset by avoiding a lifetime of suffering. 
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DownandOut
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« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2013, 02:30:46 PM »

Eric, they are simply words. When you place import on every word a pwBPD says, aspirational desires take hold. You create expectational interests within your mind--but fulfilling your relational expectations will only be a transitory blip on the radar of her mind. Your needs are not her needs. Her words and actions are subject to disordered change and in many instances neither love, nor caring will influence her choices/compulsions.

If love and caring were capable of effecting sustainable relational change--their cycles of unstable relationships would cease when becoming involved with a compassionate non. But from this board we can see that is not so. They march to their own dissonant internal drummer.  If I was a young person aspiring towards traditional institutions like marriage and children--I would steer clear from becoming involved with a person who has this disorder. I believe the short-term pain of denying the heart, is greatly offset by avoiding a lifetime of suffering. 

In bold. That was an amazing statement. Thank you for that!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2013, 02:32:17 PM »

Eric,

Try to take a step back here.  First, don't beat yourself up for hearing her out.  No shame in that.  Most would have done the same.  :)o really think things over rather than acting impulsively.  Part of what you wrote really struck a cord.  

Control is central to the borderline.  She shows up on your doorstep, requests that you hear her out, and now she needs to work on herself.  She's putting more distance between the two of you.  She controls the narrative this way, which is a lot easier for her to do if she knows you're back on the hook.  You can't chase her right now.
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« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2013, 03:40:20 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mind frame that we can't get back together, ever.

Eric,

Don't beat yourself up over this.  Many of us would have done the same thing.  Unfortunately it is like an addiction.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You followed your heart.  

I sent the support letter.  I did this very early on.  I got no response.  Are you 100% sure she is not seeing someone else right now?  Many pwBPD like to know that they have a fallback if their new relationship doesn't work out (We know it won't).  Whether or not she is seeing anyone else they feel comfort in the fact that they still have control over you.  She might have been testing you to see if she still had the control. Eric, once you have given yourself the opportunity to clear your head and dedicate yourself to moving ahead life will slowly start to feel OK again.  I know the hurt you are feeling right now.  It is debilitating.  I can promise that it does slowly get better over time.  Hang in there.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2013, 03:41:57 PM »

She was but it finished. We've had sex. She told me she loved me, I went out drinking with her and her friends. Her friends said they hope we can work it out and that she has got a good bloke in me.

I texted her saying 'aren't you worried that you're going to lose me for good?

She's just replied 'yes really worried x'

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« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2013, 03:45:10 PM »

She was but it finished. We've had sex. She told me she loved me, I went out drinking with her and her friends. Her friends said they hope we can work it out and that she has got a good bloke in me.

I texted her saying 'aren't you worried that you're going to lose me for good?

She's just replied 'yes really worried x'

Man, I wish I could tell you what to do.  It is so hard. 
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strikeforce
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2013, 04:00:25 PM »

I can tell your in a bad place. I was in the exact same spot.

Telling her I wanted her out of my life, then wanting her back, wanting her to text, to meet up.

The conflicting feelings in the head makes it difficult to make a healthy decision.
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Eric1
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« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2013, 04:06:22 PM »

Why does she says she's really worried?

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strikeforce
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« Reply #22 on: November 15, 2013, 04:08:31 PM »

Why does she says she's really worried?

My BPD ex said she was scared of loosing me, scared of not having me in her life.

She knows your a decent guy but doesn't know how to appreciate that.
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GlennT
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« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2013, 04:09:34 PM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.
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Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
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« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2013, 04:46:50 PM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.

Well put GlennT!

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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2013, 04:51:48 PM »

I haven't responded.

I don't know what else she wants from me.
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winston72
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« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2013, 06:09:34 PM »

Eric!  Rugby up, man!  Kick to touch, reset your line and then attack again. Okay, I talk rugby like an American. Sorry!  But here comes my blunt advice.

She didn't do anything to you. You just allowed yourself to be vulnerable and it didn't work out. You got hurt. Not a big deal. You haven't lost days. You took a risk, made a go at a gap and got clipped.  Ha!  Good for you for taking the risk. Now learn from it. Regroup!  What do you want?  Do it. You can't rely on her, so don't.

It hurts. You can and do play with pain. You know how to take losses but keep pressing on. Rugby!  Bleed a little, limp a little, suck it up and go. Attack!  Just not with her. Attack your life. Reflect, feel, hurt, laugh, grow, find good mates, fight to win with the support of good teammates.

You will succeed!  He'll, mow I am fired up!  Putting in my mouth guard, grabbing my cleats (boots for you boys?) and running out the door now!
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« Reply #27 on: November 15, 2013, 06:10:17 PM »

She doesn't either Eric. That is the problem. Glen's post is pretty accurate I think. My ex was constantly running away from herself.
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« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2013, 06:13:18 PM »

They don't know who they are, they don't know what they want.

They keeping on running from their past, you were simply a pit stop.

She will be running till her dying day.
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Eric1
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« Reply #29 on: November 16, 2013, 02:27:38 AM »

Can I pm someone a message that I'm gonna send her? Just to see if it reads well.
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« Reply #30 on: November 16, 2013, 02:42:14 AM »

Why don't you post it here, Eric1?  Lots of wisdom on the board.  Just keep the real names out.  
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Eric1
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« Reply #31 on: November 16, 2013, 02:49:37 AM »

OK. I'm going to change the spellings, just incase she googles any of it and finds it on here  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Eric1
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« Reply #32 on: November 16, 2013, 02:52:27 AM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. We need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x
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« Reply #33 on: November 16, 2013, 03:03:25 AM »

Hey Eric,

Like many others here I'd have gone for the drink too. For some of us hope springs eternal, even after being traumatized and jaded, we still have our belief in people's goodness and the kind of common decency to hear people out.

I can only say that good intentions are JUST WORDS. And my experience with BPD is that you cannot trust their words. ONLY ACTIONS matter. IF she doesn't want to lose you, IF you are so important to her, THEN SHE has to actively and currently seriously engage in getting targeted help to treat her specific illness. From what I've read on these boards, there is no point at all getting back into any form of r/s with people who are not in treatment and taking it seriously.

I believe you need to make this message loud and clear. Then it's her choice what she does with her illness and her life. We all hope they'll choose healing. But it sounds like very few do.
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Eric1
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« Reply #34 on: November 16, 2013, 03:26:22 AM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. If you don't want to lose me then we need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x

Amended, better? Or is they're anything i should change or add?
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« Reply #35 on: November 16, 2013, 03:48:54 AM »

Hey Eric,

I don't want to advise about your text, but are you CLEAR on what specifically your boundaries are?

What does "I would support you" mean to you?

I'd be careful with "unconditional love" -- that's pretty HUGE. Are you REALLY prepared to offer unconditional love? No conditions of any kind? If we're honest, I think for most of us our love is not 100% unconditional -- we expect certain things from our partners and they aren't present in the r/s we are NOT going to be happy.

In my experience a person wBPD will use vague things like "support" and "unconditional love" and use them against you to get what they want from you on their terms, so be careful.

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Eric1
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« Reply #36 on: November 16, 2013, 03:58:09 AM »

She told me that she went to a therapist before because she hit one of her ex's. But, she only went to one session because she didn't like the therapist  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She is special, and if she seeked help, then we would have a good relationship.
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Eric1
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« Reply #37 on: November 16, 2013, 04:02:19 AM »

last draft. Can't say much more.

I've thought about it all. U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. i'm possitive about the futur, if we make the necessary changes. But, we need 2 make a choice and stick with it x
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« Reply #38 on: November 16, 2013, 04:52:40 AM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.

"BECAUSE YOU KNOW TOO MUCH"

ty for posting this. I can't remember seeing this quote before, but it is also part of how I feel.

Diagnosed or undiagnosed... the feeling of someone who sees them for what they are (even in a positive way) seems life-threatening to them.

Can't really comment on your post Eric1. Tbh... I don't feel the message will matter. :-(

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Eric1
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« Reply #39 on: November 16, 2013, 04:59:50 AM »

I need to say it tho. We either work together and deal with it, or thats it. No more. Zilch. End of. For good.
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« Reply #40 on: November 16, 2013, 10:43:31 AM »

If this woman is indeed borderline, then you really need to make a more concerted effort to understand her disorder.  Parts of what you wrote will scare the bejeezus out of her.  You seem to recognize that she has BPD, but I fail to see where you are adapting your words and actions to its complexity.   What's your part in all of this?  From the little bit I have read here, you are communicating your own version of push-pull. 

She has left you three times now.  You are aware other men have been involved.  She may or may not have been physically violent with you.  At what point do you become a pushover?  By taking time and space for yourself, you can clear your mind and decide for yourself whether this relationship is something you want to pursue in the future.

Regardless of what you decide to do and when, I highly recommend you do things differently this time.  I'd imagine this breakup looks very familiar to the two that preceded it.  Chasing her the way you have will only drive her further away.  The person that questioned your statement of unconditional love is right on the money.  That is an emotionally dishonest statement on your part, and don't think she doesn't know that.  She's broken up with you three times already.  There will have to be conditions.  You can not and should not be her lap dog.

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« Reply #41 on: November 16, 2013, 10:49:21 AM »

She's disordered, what you say will make her and your current situation worse.

You need to cut her off for your sake and for hers.

You don't need to say anything, just move on.
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« Reply #42 on: November 16, 2013, 11:39:47 AM »

I went over the message and changed it completely. It was worded very well & highlighted the need for change but the positive aspects it will have. I said that I can't keep coming and going, that this will be it etc

She replied said 'I agree with you... .give me some time to think'

I would help her, she knows there's something wrong & this is the first time she has really made it apparent that something needs to be dealt with in her head by a professional.

I'm not a lap dog. Unless she seeks help, there's nothing I can do. It's safer for me to walk away.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2013, 11:49:39 AM »

I went over the message and changed it completely. It was worded very well & highlighted the need for change but the positive aspects it will have. I said that I can't keep coming and going, that this will be it etc

She replied said 'I agree with you... .give me some time to think'

I would help her, she knows there's something wrong & this is the first time she has really made it apparent that something needs to be dealt with in her head by a professional.

I'm not a lap dog. Unless she seeks help, there's nothing I can do. It's safer for me to walk away.

Eric, my exUBPDgf said something very similar to this in round 2. It didn't change anything for me. The end result was the same. She left again. And did not go seek the help of a professional. Even if she seeks help, you do realize her disorder will still be there. I know you wish to help her, i wanted the same for mine. I stood by her side valiantly. That ended up costing me on all levels. 4 months of NC later, I am still in shambles. We just want you to be careful, friend.
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DownandOut
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« Reply #44 on: November 16, 2013, 05:25:28 PM »

Eric1 please read my post here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211563.msg12328748#msg12328748 I feel it is relevant to your current situation.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #45 on: November 16, 2013, 07:25:01 PM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. If you don't want to lose me then we need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x

Amended, better? Or is they're anything i should change or add?

Eric what I'm getting from this is you really want her in your life.   You love her obviously.  Not judging we all loved ours.

Piece of advice this letter is going to hit on her abandonment fears.  You want to put your best foot forward here since this is you asking for something from her.

Go to the staying board - look up DEARMAN in the staying lessons.  Reformat your note to her as a draft there for senior stayers to help massage out.  Leavers are great, stayers are better with this stuff.

Don't press yourself with a deadline on this.  If you need to say something to her in the meantime say you need a little time to think and want to communicate effectively.
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Eric1
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« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2013, 02:58:46 PM »

I've thought about it all. U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, name. I can't keep cumming & goin. If what u said last night was true & you are going 2 face your issues and deal with them with actions, then I wuld support u - that's the difference. We don't give up, make us stronger, happier & do it together. It's time 2 stop running away from everything and 2 finally work it out. If I'm that important to u, then there won't be an issue. Neither you nor anyone else is at fault 4 your anger. You asked me when we weren't 2gether 'why do I .rage.?' There's reasons for it & ways in which it can be dealt with. I'm positive about the future, if we make the necesary changes. But, we need 2 make a choice now and stick with it

I've changed the spelling, but that's what I said.  She replied pretty much instantly saying 'i agree with you,give me some time to think x'

Suppose I just have to see what she says. If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good.  Whether she is BPD or not.

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GlennT
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« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2013, 08:02:07 PM »

She replied, "Give me some time to think x."

Translation- Give me some time to think in my child-like, dream-like, state of control... .hmm... I think I'll thump this shiney, new, button that can set off a destruct sequence to this guy. I am a BPD borg and I need to mimic an entirely new personality in order to survive now.
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Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
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Lady31
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« Reply #48 on: November 18, 2013, 02:00:25 AM »

If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good. 

This is a false statement and magical thinking.
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KE151
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« Reply #49 on: November 18, 2013, 03:50:30 AM »

I've changed the spelling, but that's what I said.  She replied pretty much instantly saying 'i agree with you,give me some time to think x'

Suppose I just have to see what she says. If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good.  Whether she is BPD or not.

Eric, to me it seems you're in denial. The Only person who can deal with her issues is herself. The same goes for you. Leaving her be is the best way to help her. Continuing communication this way is just enabling her to keep behaving like this. And you're going to get hurt, bad.
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bruisedbattered
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« Reply #50 on: November 18, 2013, 05:21:23 PM »

my xBPDgf sd was starting to see a therapis 2 Mondays ago.  The Sunday before therapy was due to begin, she showed up outside my apartment calling and txting me asking if Id go outside and speak with her.   I replied no, said it was too soon, and I was still dealing with my own recovery/issues.  told her we could meet in a few weeks over coffee and she could tell me about her therapy and any progress if any.   fast forward the following wednesday, she seduced a mutual acquaintance and ive seen them out and about together, all happy "in love"... .       she was like yours eric, pleading for me to give her chances, to be patient, etc... .   but my refusal to meet her outside that sunday night resulted in my being replaced within days.     mind you that was the best thing that could happen to me, it sent the message loud and clear to me that to her, I AM REPLACEABLE.   We are objects to them.  Once we reach our expiry date, they move on as simple as that, without a second thought, or any remorse.    Walk away, go NC.  or else get ready to be hurt. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2013, 07:20:41 AM »

I know it's gone against all the advice, but for some reason, i just cant give up.

I haven't contacted her since she said she agreed, and needed time to think.

How long should i give her to think? It's been 4 days today.
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bruisedbattered
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« Reply #52 on: November 19, 2013, 09:58:43 AM »

Walk away.  after a while, once she feels she is losing her hooks in you, she will come back to hook you again.  if you are unavailable, she will replace you.   It comes down to 2 choices:   1.  you walk away and dont look back.  2.  Let her back into your life, get hurt, and watch her walk away on you again.   I know your judgement is clouded by emotion, but think of your own well being.  she wont/cant change overnight.  it takes them a decade to change, and thats with serious commitment to change which will happen on her own schedule.  walk away.
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Eric1
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« Reply #53 on: November 19, 2013, 10:07:06 AM »

Walk away.  after a while, once she feels she is losing her hooks in you, she will come back to hook you again.  if you are unavailable, she will replace you.   It comes down to 2 choices:   1.  you walk away and dont look back.  2.  Let her back into your life, get hurt, and watch her walk away on you again.   I know your judgement is clouded by emotion, but think of your own well being.  she wont/cant change overnight.  it takes them a decade to change, and thats with serious commitment to change which will happen on her own schedule.  walk away.

I know. If i was giving advice to a mate, it would be the same. I want to give us another shot tho, but, if she doesn't want to, then i'll walk away. I've told her it's for good this time. I've downloaded the new iphone software, so i will be blocking her number if we don't.
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winston72
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« Reply #54 on: November 19, 2013, 11:27:25 AM »

Hey Eric, your honesty and candor about your struggles and desire to keep this relationship going is terrific.  It is the path to growth.  I respect you putting your thoughts and feelings on the boards even when knowing that others might offer you contrary advice.  I find such dialogue, on these boards or with friends, is so helpful to gaining a clear perspective.  In my case it is the process of moving out of denial on some big topics.  Anyway, your openness about your ongoing dilemma is helpful to all.

And, a quick reaction to your last post... .I think you might need new iPhone software to block you from calling her more than her from calling you.  I think that is the primary need for most of us on these boards.  If we weren't vulnerable and conflicted, whether or not they call wouldn't matter at all.
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Eric1
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« Reply #55 on: November 19, 2013, 02:36:05 PM »

When she's blocked, that's it. I know I won't have relapses.

How long should I give her to think about things?
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Lady31
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« Reply #56 on: November 19, 2013, 06:18:06 PM »

Eric,

I suggest you start posting on the undecided or staying board in you current situation.

Regarding how long you should give her?  I don't know?  If you are meaning before you contact her again - then I have to say - huh?

She said give her time to think.  You either sit around until she has decided she has had time to think and wants to contact you, or you walk away.  Why would you again be pushing her after a "set time" by contacting her?  Either you can accept it and wait endlessly until she pops up again (and then disappears again) or you let her go.

I know you don't want to hear anything we are saying here.  I understand.  We have all been there, and at times secretly WISH we could go back there... .BUT - this is reality, like it or not.

You are still in the first stage - denial.  Sadly, sometimes the pain has to get to another level to force us out of that stage because we just don't want to see it.  I did the same thing.
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Eric1
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« Reply #57 on: November 20, 2013, 02:35:47 AM »

Thanks for the reply, Lady. I can't walk away yet, I need to know if we're going to give it another chance. So, i suppose i'll post on the undecieded board.

Thanks for the help.
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