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heartandwhole
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« Reply #30 on: November 16, 2013, 02:42:14 AM »

Why don't you post it here, Eric1?  Lots of wisdom on the board.  Just keep the real names out.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #31 on: November 16, 2013, 02:49:37 AM »

OK. I'm going to change the spellings, just incase she googles any of it and finds it on here  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Eric1
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« Reply #32 on: November 16, 2013, 02:52:27 AM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. We need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x
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« Reply #33 on: November 16, 2013, 03:03:25 AM »

Hey Eric,

Like many others here I'd have gone for the drink too. For some of us hope springs eternal, even after being traumatized and jaded, we still have our belief in people's goodness and the kind of common decency to hear people out.

I can only say that good intentions are JUST WORDS. And my experience with BPD is that you cannot trust their words. ONLY ACTIONS matter. IF she doesn't want to lose you, IF you are so important to her, THEN SHE has to actively and currently seriously engage in getting targeted help to treat her specific illness. From what I've read on these boards, there is no point at all getting back into any form of r/s with people who are not in treatment and taking it seriously.

I believe you need to make this message loud and clear. Then it's her choice what she does with her illness and her life. We all hope they'll choose healing. But it sounds like very few do.
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Eric1
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« Reply #34 on: November 16, 2013, 03:26:22 AM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. If you don't want to lose me then we need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x

Amended, better? Or is they're anything i should change or add?
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« Reply #35 on: November 16, 2013, 03:48:54 AM »

Hey Eric,

I don't want to advise about your text, but are you CLEAR on what specifically your boundaries are?

What does "I would support you" mean to you?

I'd be careful with "unconditional love" -- that's pretty HUGE. Are you REALLY prepared to offer unconditional love? No conditions of any kind? If we're honest, I think for most of us our love is not 100% unconditional -- we expect certain things from our partners and they aren't present in the r/s we are NOT going to be happy.

In my experience a person wBPD will use vague things like "support" and "unconditional love" and use them against you to get what they want from you on their terms, so be careful.

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Eric1
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« Reply #36 on: November 16, 2013, 03:58:09 AM »

She told me that she went to a therapist before because she hit one of her ex's. But, she only went to one session because she didn't like the therapist  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She is special, and if she seeked help, then we would have a good relationship.
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Eric1
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« Reply #37 on: November 16, 2013, 04:02:19 AM »

last draft. Can't say much more.

I've thought about it all. U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. i'm possitive about the futur, if we make the necessary changes. But, we need 2 make a choice and stick with it x
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EdR
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« Reply #38 on: November 16, 2013, 04:52:40 AM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.

"BECAUSE YOU KNOW TOO MUCH"

ty for posting this. I can't remember seeing this quote before, but it is also part of how I feel.

Diagnosed or undiagnosed... the feeling of someone who sees them for what they are (even in a positive way) seems life-threatening to them.

Can't really comment on your post Eric1. Tbh... I don't feel the message will matter. :-(

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Eric1
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« Reply #39 on: November 16, 2013, 04:59:50 AM »

I need to say it tho. We either work together and deal with it, or thats it. No more. Zilch. End of. For good.
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« Reply #40 on: November 16, 2013, 10:43:31 AM »

If this woman is indeed borderline, then you really need to make a more concerted effort to understand her disorder.  Parts of what you wrote will scare the bejeezus out of her.  You seem to recognize that she has BPD, but I fail to see where you are adapting your words and actions to its complexity.   What's your part in all of this?  From the little bit I have read here, you are communicating your own version of push-pull. 

She has left you three times now.  You are aware other men have been involved.  She may or may not have been physically violent with you.  At what point do you become a pushover?  By taking time and space for yourself, you can clear your mind and decide for yourself whether this relationship is something you want to pursue in the future.

Regardless of what you decide to do and when, I highly recommend you do things differently this time.  I'd imagine this breakup looks very familiar to the two that preceded it.  Chasing her the way you have will only drive her further away.  The person that questioned your statement of unconditional love is right on the money.  That is an emotionally dishonest statement on your part, and don't think she doesn't know that.  She's broken up with you three times already.  There will have to be conditions.  You can not and should not be her lap dog.

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strikeforce
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« Reply #41 on: November 16, 2013, 10:49:21 AM »

She's disordered, what you say will make her and your current situation worse.

You need to cut her off for your sake and for hers.

You don't need to say anything, just move on.
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Eric1
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« Reply #42 on: November 16, 2013, 11:39:47 AM »

I went over the message and changed it completely. It was worded very well & highlighted the need for change but the positive aspects it will have. I said that I can't keep coming and going, that this will be it etc

She replied said 'I agree with you... .give me some time to think'

I would help her, she knows there's something wrong & this is the first time she has really made it apparent that something needs to be dealt with in her head by a professional.

I'm not a lap dog. Unless she seeks help, there's nothing I can do. It's safer for me to walk away.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2013, 11:49:39 AM »

I went over the message and changed it completely. It was worded very well & highlighted the need for change but the positive aspects it will have. I said that I can't keep coming and going, that this will be it etc

She replied said 'I agree with you... .give me some time to think'

I would help her, she knows there's something wrong & this is the first time she has really made it apparent that something needs to be dealt with in her head by a professional.

I'm not a lap dog. Unless she seeks help, there's nothing I can do. It's safer for me to walk away.

Eric, my exUBPDgf said something very similar to this in round 2. It didn't change anything for me. The end result was the same. She left again. And did not go seek the help of a professional. Even if she seeks help, you do realize her disorder will still be there. I know you wish to help her, i wanted the same for mine. I stood by her side valiantly. That ended up costing me on all levels. 4 months of NC later, I am still in shambles. We just want you to be careful, friend.
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« Reply #44 on: November 16, 2013, 05:25:28 PM »

Eric1 please read my post here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211563.msg12328748#msg12328748 I feel it is relevant to your current situation.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #45 on: November 16, 2013, 07:25:01 PM »

U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, (name). I can't keep cumming and going. If what u said last nite was true & u are going to face ur issues and deal with them with actions, then I would support u - that's the difference. It's called unconditional luv. It's time 2 stop running away from everything & work it out. No 1 is at fault for your anger, u asked me when we weren't together 'why do I rage?'. There's reasons & ways in which it can b dealt with. If you don't want to lose me then we need 2 make a choice tho and stick with it x

Amended, better? Or is they're anything i should change or add?

Eric what I'm getting from this is you really want her in your life.   You love her obviously.  Not judging we all loved ours.

Piece of advice this letter is going to hit on her abandonment fears.  You want to put your best foot forward here since this is you asking for something from her.

Go to the staying board - look up DEARMAN in the staying lessons.  Reformat your note to her as a draft there for senior stayers to help massage out.  Leavers are great, stayers are better with this stuff.

Don't press yourself with a deadline on this.  If you need to say something to her in the meantime say you need a little time to think and want to communicate effectively.
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Eric1
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« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2013, 02:58:46 PM »

I've thought about it all. U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, name. I can't keep cumming & goin. If what u said last night was true & you are going 2 face your issues and deal with them with actions, then I wuld support u - that's the difference. We don't give up, make us stronger, happier & do it together. It's time 2 stop running away from everything and 2 finally work it out. If I'm that important to u, then there won't be an issue. Neither you nor anyone else is at fault 4 your anger. You asked me when we weren't 2gether 'why do I .rage.?' There's reasons for it & ways in which it can be dealt with. I'm positive about the future, if we make the necesary changes. But, we need 2 make a choice now and stick with it

I've changed the spelling, but that's what I said.  She replied pretty much instantly saying 'i agree with you,give me some time to think x'

Suppose I just have to see what she says. If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good.  Whether she is BPD or not.

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GlennT
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« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2013, 08:02:07 PM »

She replied, "Give me some time to think x."

Translation- Give me some time to think in my child-like, dream-like, state of control... .hmm... I think I'll thump this shiney, new, button that can set off a destruct sequence to this guy. I am a BPD borg and I need to mimic an entirely new personality in order to survive now.
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« Reply #48 on: November 18, 2013, 02:00:25 AM »

If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good. 

This is a false statement and magical thinking.
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KE151
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« Reply #49 on: November 18, 2013, 03:50:30 AM »

I've changed the spelling, but that's what I said.  She replied pretty much instantly saying 'i agree with you,give me some time to think x'

Suppose I just have to see what she says. If we deal with the issues, then I know we can be good.  Whether she is BPD or not.

Eric, to me it seems you're in denial. The Only person who can deal with her issues is herself. The same goes for you. Leaving her be is the best way to help her. Continuing communication this way is just enabling her to keep behaving like this. And you're going to get hurt, bad.
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bruisedbattered
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« Reply #50 on: November 18, 2013, 05:21:23 PM »

my xBPDgf sd was starting to see a therapis 2 Mondays ago.  The Sunday before therapy was due to begin, she showed up outside my apartment calling and txting me asking if Id go outside and speak with her.   I replied no, said it was too soon, and I was still dealing with my own recovery/issues.  told her we could meet in a few weeks over coffee and she could tell me about her therapy and any progress if any.   fast forward the following wednesday, she seduced a mutual acquaintance and ive seen them out and about together, all happy "in love"... .       she was like yours eric, pleading for me to give her chances, to be patient, etc... .   but my refusal to meet her outside that sunday night resulted in my being replaced within days.     mind you that was the best thing that could happen to me, it sent the message loud and clear to me that to her, I AM REPLACEABLE.   We are objects to them.  Once we reach our expiry date, they move on as simple as that, without a second thought, or any remorse.    Walk away, go NC.  or else get ready to be hurt. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2013, 07:20:41 AM »

I know it's gone against all the advice, but for some reason, i just cant give up.

I haven't contacted her since she said she agreed, and needed time to think.

How long should i give her to think? It's been 4 days today.
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bruisedbattered
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« Reply #52 on: November 19, 2013, 09:58:43 AM »

Walk away.  after a while, once she feels she is losing her hooks in you, she will come back to hook you again.  if you are unavailable, she will replace you.   It comes down to 2 choices:   1.  you walk away and dont look back.  2.  Let her back into your life, get hurt, and watch her walk away on you again.   I know your judgement is clouded by emotion, but think of your own well being.  she wont/cant change overnight.  it takes them a decade to change, and thats with serious commitment to change which will happen on her own schedule.  walk away.
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Eric1
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« Reply #53 on: November 19, 2013, 10:07:06 AM »

Walk away.  after a while, once she feels she is losing her hooks in you, she will come back to hook you again.  if you are unavailable, she will replace you.   It comes down to 2 choices:   1.  you walk away and dont look back.  2.  Let her back into your life, get hurt, and watch her walk away on you again.   I know your judgement is clouded by emotion, but think of your own well being.  she wont/cant change overnight.  it takes them a decade to change, and thats with serious commitment to change which will happen on her own schedule.  walk away.

I know. If i was giving advice to a mate, it would be the same. I want to give us another shot tho, but, if she doesn't want to, then i'll walk away. I've told her it's for good this time. I've downloaded the new iphone software, so i will be blocking her number if we don't.
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winston72
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« Reply #54 on: November 19, 2013, 11:27:25 AM »

Hey Eric, your honesty and candor about your struggles and desire to keep this relationship going is terrific.  It is the path to growth.  I respect you putting your thoughts and feelings on the boards even when knowing that others might offer you contrary advice.  I find such dialogue, on these boards or with friends, is so helpful to gaining a clear perspective.  In my case it is the process of moving out of denial on some big topics.  Anyway, your openness about your ongoing dilemma is helpful to all.

And, a quick reaction to your last post... .I think you might need new iPhone software to block you from calling her more than her from calling you.  I think that is the primary need for most of us on these boards.  If we weren't vulnerable and conflicted, whether or not they call wouldn't matter at all.
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Eric1
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« Reply #55 on: November 19, 2013, 02:36:05 PM »

When she's blocked, that's it. I know I won't have relapses.

How long should I give her to think about things?
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Lady31
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« Reply #56 on: November 19, 2013, 06:18:06 PM »

Eric,

I suggest you start posting on the undecided or staying board in you current situation.

Regarding how long you should give her?  I don't know?  If you are meaning before you contact her again - then I have to say - huh?

She said give her time to think.  You either sit around until she has decided she has had time to think and wants to contact you, or you walk away.  Why would you again be pushing her after a "set time" by contacting her?  Either you can accept it and wait endlessly until she pops up again (and then disappears again) or you let her go.

I know you don't want to hear anything we are saying here.  I understand.  We have all been there, and at times secretly WISH we could go back there... .BUT - this is reality, like it or not.

You are still in the first stage - denial.  Sadly, sometimes the pain has to get to another level to force us out of that stage because we just don't want to see it.  I did the same thing.
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Eric1
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« Reply #57 on: November 20, 2013, 02:35:47 AM »

Thanks for the reply, Lady. I can't walk away yet, I need to know if we're going to give it another chance. So, i suppose i'll post on the undecieded board.

Thanks for the help.
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