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Author Topic: She came and went  (Read 5017 times)
Eric1
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« on: November 15, 2013, 12:35:25 PM »

She turned up on my doorstep last Thursday. We went for a drink and she said she loved me and wanted us to work it out. I said it would take time as we needed to make sure that our problems were sorted and I needed to regain her trust.

She raged after a night out. Again.

She just called and said she needs to work out why she gets angry and to deal with her issues as he's scared she's gonna hurt me or worse, get physical. I said that's fine & that we will carry on as we were. I said that I'm not waiting for her but I'm glad that she's looking at getting herself sorted out.

I told her not to contact me again as I want to carry on with my life.

F-ck sake. Why, why don't I learn.
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winston72
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 12:49:07 PM »

Hey Eric1, this is a tough one.  I would have done the same thing... .gone for the drink and heard her out.  For me, I would have listened and believed... .not an unreasonable choice, and it is the way I would want her to react to me.

Ah, but it is so painful.  For F-sake, I think you are learning. 

In my case, I learn the path by walking into all the obstacles first.  The path seems to be what is left after bumping into everything.  And, really, I am okay with this.  The thought of shutting things down without taking that chance doesn't feel good for me.  I am learning that there is an "appropriate zone" between risking my emotions in the hope something works out and protecting myself.  I am a bit risk oriented.  Don't want to lose that, but don't want to get burned like I was.

All this being said, I have about exhausted the obstacles now and I am mostly walking on level ground!

Thanks for your story.  You are on the right path. 
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 12:51:40 PM »

Eric,

You are only human my friend. Intellectually you know she is bad for you, emotionally you still care and love her. I can understand that struggle to come to terms within on how to deal with conflicting emotions. I struggle with this daily. I know she isn't good for me and yet I miss her. A cruel paradox. And it hurts.

Hang in there.
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Eric1
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 01:02:14 PM »

She said she needs to deal with her anger because she doesn't want to lose me for good. I said I can't wait around for her.

It's messed with my head again. I feel really upset.

She said she loved me so much and realised how much of my life she missed, to now being like this 7 days later. I needed to take things slow.

I've just texted her saying 'Arent you worried about losing me for good?

No reply.  She said she was going round her mums for a chat, but I don't believe it.

I was doing so well, why did she do this to me?

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Hazelrah
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« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2013, 01:14:10 PM »

Eric,

If this was easy, none of us would be here commiserating with one another.  I think a fair number of us would have gone for that drink and loved to have heard what she had to say.  So don't beat yourself up for having gone and heard her out--even if you weren't interested in reconciliation, it was a compassionate thing to do.

The fact that, even after her telling you all that, you had the courage to tell her not to contact you again is another small victory in moving forward.  There are going to be doubts back and forth along the way... .many of us are experiencing that.  But you are starting to get there, mate.
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Lady31
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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2013, 01:14:17 PM »

She did this because she is messed up in the head.  She CAN'T behave like a normal person because she ISN'T a normal person.  The hard part is, in their lucid moments it's hard for us to SEE them as that screwed up.  And we wish things were different so we are more inclined to believe them because we WANT that to be reality.

It isn't.  This will be a cycle for her when she needs something.  Sometimes we have to see it over and over again to stick because we also rewrite things in our mind.  We "forget" events or remember them differently.  We idolize the good parts of them while ignoring, downplaying or forgetting the bad.

You are not alone.  None of us wanted to accept it.  Time to start thinking of yourself and you plans.  This will continue in cycles.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2013, 01:15:09 PM »

I told her that I would stick by her and help her through her issues, but she said she needed to do it alone.

I wanted to be with her, but I needed to take it slow. I'm lost.

Do I fight for her, leave it, wait? Should I call her tomorrow?

I'm lost, I wanted her to return, she did & now she's gone.

She said she doesn't get angry with anyone else, just me. But I said she has been like it with every other boyfriend, that she hit one of her ex's, that the other day, she got into an argument with a random man in the pub. She argued with a man on our first date.

Oh my days. I'm back to square one.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 01:17:20 PM »

You can't help her Eric. I know this isn't easy to accept.
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Eric1
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« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2013, 01:22:26 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mindframe that we can't get back together, ever.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2013, 01:26:04 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mindframe that we can't get back together, ever.

I tried that. Backfired spectacularly.

You need time away from this girl and she needs time away from you if your her enabler.

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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2013, 01:28:39 PM »

To support her is a noble gesture, friend. But to what end? She has shown you again and again that she will hurt you. I know you wish to be by her side, I get that. She will not fully understand this. We cannot protect you, but we will be here for you either way.
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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2013, 01:58:57 PM »

I'm gonna messaged her and lay it on the table.
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DownandOut
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« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2013, 02:11:52 PM »

Eric - I've been there. That road that you are on is so familiar to me. My ex was very conscious of the problems she had and the way they affected her life. She told me many times that she wanted to try to figure things out, that she could only do it alone, that she needed to find herself before she could give me her all. Two years later, she contacted me. We had spoken on occasion in between that time, however, this time was different. She wanted to try again. She felt like she was in a place that she could finally be the girlfriend I needed her to be. "It was always you downandout." "You were almost the one that got away downandout." "My family always knew we would end up together downandout." "Marry me downandout." 3 1/2 months later. We have no passion. I'm flawed (she called out my flaws every chance she got). She loves me, but she's not sure if it's enough to sustain a lifelong relationship. Here I am now Eric.

Point being - it doesn't get better. Unfortunately, it really doesn't. Maybe she tried to get it together during our time apart. She claims she was in therapy and that the therapist told her that she was fine and she knew exactly what she wanted (hmmm). Oh, by the way, when she was supposedly "figuring it out" she was in several different relationships, two of which that I'm aware of there was talk of marriage and they only lasted for three months at a time (her own admission). It doesn't get better! We support you 100%, and believe me I know it's difficult, but how many times will you keep running the gauntlet before you realize that the path sets you up for failure? Maybe some make it to the end, but most don't. You have to ask yourself how much pain youre willing to endure to reach the end of that path that may, or may not, have a happy ending.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2013, 02:15:36 PM »

Eric she isn't going to change, I know that's not what you want to hear but its true.

Nothing you text her will make any difference, she's disordered, mentally ill.

She will see you still care for her and use that to hurt you.
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Conundrum
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« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2013, 02:16:12 PM »

Eric, they are simply words. When you place import on every word a pwBPD says, aspirational desires take hold. You create expectational interests within your mind--but fulfilling your relational expectations will only be a transitory blip on the radar of her mind. Your needs are not her needs. Her words and actions are subject to disordered change and in many instances neither love, nor caring will influence her choices/compulsions.

If love and caring were capable of effecting sustainable relational change--their cycles of unstable relationships would cease when becoming involved with a compassionate non. But from this board we can see that is not so. They march to their own dissonant internal drummer.  If I was a young person aspiring towards traditional institutions like marriage and children--I would steer clear from becoming involved with a person who has this disorder. I believe the short-term pain of denying the heart, is greatly offset by avoiding a lifetime of suffering. 
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DownandOut
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« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2013, 02:30:46 PM »

Eric, they are simply words. When you place import on every word a pwBPD says, aspirational desires take hold. You create expectational interests within your mind--but fulfilling your relational expectations will only be a transitory blip on the radar of her mind. Your needs are not her needs. Her words and actions are subject to disordered change and in many instances neither love, nor caring will influence her choices/compulsions.

If love and caring were capable of effecting sustainable relational change--their cycles of unstable relationships would cease when becoming involved with a compassionate non. But from this board we can see that is not so. They march to their own dissonant internal drummer.  If I was a young person aspiring towards traditional institutions like marriage and children--I would steer clear from becoming involved with a person who has this disorder. I believe the short-term pain of denying the heart, is greatly offset by avoiding a lifetime of suffering. 

In bold. That was an amazing statement. Thank you for that!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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oletimefeelin
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« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2013, 02:32:17 PM »

Eric,

Try to take a step back here.  First, don't beat yourself up for hearing her out.  No shame in that.  Most would have done the same.  :)o really think things over rather than acting impulsively.  Part of what you wrote really struck a cord.  

Control is central to the borderline.  She shows up on your doorstep, requests that you hear her out, and now she needs to work on herself.  She's putting more distance between the two of you.  She controls the narrative this way, which is a lot easier for her to do if she knows you're back on the hook.  You can't chase her right now.
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Waifed
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« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2013, 03:40:20 PM »

I would support her tho.

Should I call her and say - I will support you & I understand your problems. I know who you are and how you work. If you don't want that, then we both need to be in the mindset that we can never get back together. It's not an ultimatum, it's that I personally need to be in the mind frame that we can't get back together, ever.

Eric,

Don't beat yourself up over this.  Many of us would have done the same thing.  Unfortunately it is like an addiction.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You followed your heart.  

I sent the support letter.  I did this very early on.  I got no response.  Are you 100% sure she is not seeing someone else right now?  Many pwBPD like to know that they have a fallback if their new relationship doesn't work out (We know it won't).  Whether or not she is seeing anyone else they feel comfort in the fact that they still have control over you.  She might have been testing you to see if she still had the control. Eric, once you have given yourself the opportunity to clear your head and dedicate yourself to moving ahead life will slowly start to feel OK again.  I know the hurt you are feeling right now.  It is debilitating.  I can promise that it does slowly get better over time.  Hang in there.  
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Eric1
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« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2013, 03:41:57 PM »

She was but it finished. We've had sex. She told me she loved me, I went out drinking with her and her friends. Her friends said they hope we can work it out and that she has got a good bloke in me.

I texted her saying 'aren't you worried that you're going to lose me for good?

She's just replied 'yes really worried x'

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Waifed
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« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2013, 03:45:10 PM »

She was but it finished. We've had sex. She told me she loved me, I went out drinking with her and her friends. Her friends said they hope we can work it out and that she has got a good bloke in me.

I texted her saying 'aren't you worried that you're going to lose me for good?

She's just replied 'yes really worried x'

Man, I wish I could tell you what to do.  It is so hard. 
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strikeforce
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2013, 04:00:25 PM »

I can tell your in a bad place. I was in the exact same spot.

Telling her I wanted her out of my life, then wanting her back, wanting her to text, to meet up.

The conflicting feelings in the head makes it difficult to make a healthy decision.
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Eric1
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« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2013, 04:06:22 PM »

Why does she says she's really worried?

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strikeforce
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« Reply #22 on: November 15, 2013, 04:08:31 PM »

Why does she says she's really worried?

My BPD ex said she was scared of loosing me, scared of not having me in her life.

She knows your a decent guy but doesn't know how to appreciate that.
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GlennT
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« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2013, 04:09:34 PM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.
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Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2013, 04:46:50 PM »

She's just replied, "yes really worried."

Translation- I'm really worried that you will not accept me in my habitual and natural habitat and will abandon me because the roller-coaster is my home, and anger makes me feel real.I can only keep the facade up for so long. I'm going to mum's or find someone who will put up with the real me, or who doe'snt know the real me, and I can reinvent myself, because you know too much.

Eric, leave those stitches in until the wound heals this time buddy.

Well put GlennT!

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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2013, 04:51:48 PM »

I haven't responded.

I don't know what else she wants from me.
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winston72
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« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2013, 06:09:34 PM »

Eric!  Rugby up, man!  Kick to touch, reset your line and then attack again. Okay, I talk rugby like an American. Sorry!  But here comes my blunt advice.

She didn't do anything to you. You just allowed yourself to be vulnerable and it didn't work out. You got hurt. Not a big deal. You haven't lost days. You took a risk, made a go at a gap and got clipped.  Ha!  Good for you for taking the risk. Now learn from it. Regroup!  What do you want?  Do it. You can't rely on her, so don't.

It hurts. You can and do play with pain. You know how to take losses but keep pressing on. Rugby!  Bleed a little, limp a little, suck it up and go. Attack!  Just not with her. Attack your life. Reflect, feel, hurt, laugh, grow, find good mates, fight to win with the support of good teammates.

You will succeed!  He'll, mow I am fired up!  Putting in my mouth guard, grabbing my cleats (boots for you boys?) and running out the door now!
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Waifed
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« Reply #27 on: November 15, 2013, 06:10:17 PM »

She doesn't either Eric. That is the problem. Glen's post is pretty accurate I think. My ex was constantly running away from herself.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2013, 06:13:18 PM »

They don't know who they are, they don't know what they want.

They keeping on running from their past, you were simply a pit stop.

She will be running till her dying day.
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Eric1
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« Reply #29 on: November 16, 2013, 02:27:38 AM »

Can I pm someone a message that I'm gonna send her? Just to see if it reads well.
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