Did diagnosis change anything?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Forgive me if I am posting this in the wrong place. I'm curious though how many of our BPD significant others have actually been diagnosed, and if that diagnosis led to a change in their behavior.  I'd especially like to hear from those who knew their partner both before and after the diagnosis.

My girlfriend was diagnosed BPD years ago - I think as a teenager, and then again a decade later. She says she went through a year of DBT, after a suicide attempt, an episode of self harming, and a lengthy hospitalization.  On the up side, she hasn't used drugs since, and hasn't self-harmed through cutting since.  The downside is her overall behavioral patterns still haven't changed much - she is still very much BPD.  I think she wants to hear alternative diagnoses instead of BPD, and is very reluctant to accept her behaviors as contributing to her troubles with keeping relationships and keeping jobs.

I'm asking if others have observed positive change after diagnosis because I'm trying to decide between staying and leaving and how much patience I can have.  I know the status quo of this relationship is not the way I can continue with my life.  But I also know that I do love her and my preference would be to see her improve, and myself improve in the ways I react to her, and therefore our relationship stabilize.  But, I really need to see some improvement in her, because all the SET and other communication techniques aren't enough for me to feel secure.  She wants to go through DBT again, but it is a money/insurance issue.  My fear is that even if she goes through DBT again, not much will change.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

[maxsterling]

Forgive me if I am posting this in the wrong place. I'm curious though how many of our BPD significant others have actually been diagnosed, and if that diagnosis led to a change in their behavior.  I'd especially like to hear from those who knew their partner both before and after the diagnosis.

My girlfriend was diagnosed BPD years ago - I think as a teenager, and then again a decade later. She says she went through a year of DBT, after a suicide attempt, an episode of self harming, and a lengthy hospitalization.  On the up side, she hasn't used drugs since, and hasn't self-harmed through cutting since.  The downside is her overall behavioral patterns still haven't changed much - she is still very much BPD.  I think she wants to hear alternative diagnoses instead of BPD, and is very reluctant to accept her behaviors as contributing to her troubles with keeping relationships and keeping jobs.

I'm asking if others have observed positive change after diagnosis because I'm trying to decide between staying and leaving and how much patience I can have.  I know the status quo of this relationship is not the way I can continue with my life.  But I also know that I do love her and my preference would be to see her improve, and myself improve in the ways I react to her, and therefore our relationship stabilize.  But, I really need to see some improvement in her, because all the SET and other communication techniques aren't enough for me to feel secure.  She wants to go through DBT again, but it is a money/insurance issue.  My fear is that even if she goes through DBT again, not much will change.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

[havana]

I never saw any change. Her behavior actually worsened because she never accepted the diagnosis. Everything was still my fault.

[ThisWayUp]

I never saw any change. Her behavior actually worsened because she never accepted the diagnosis. Everything was still my fault.

This gas also been my experience. I'm currently trying to decide whether to stay or leave. I'm leaning towards leaving. Just hard when I have 3 kids (d5, d2, and baby d4weeks) but her behaviour is just so appalling right now. Post natal depression does not excuse her, well not she claims I "caused" it.

[maxsterling]

Thanks guys.  I guess that's my confusion right now.  If she was diagnosed in the past, went through over a year of DBT and years of additional therapy, plus wants to go through DBT again, obviously she must in part accept her diagnosis, right?  Yet she still blames everyone else, still rages, admits she says mean things to hurt me, admits to being depressed and miserable, and admits that she is not well.  I just can't wrap my head around that, and leaves me feeling less hopeful.  If this were a new diagnosis, I could see - but being diagnosed years ago, and still continuing with the BPD behavior, admitting she has cheated on and abused previous boyfriends, yet blames all of them for "dumping" her... .

I guess I am just feeling a little hopeless right now, and am hoping someone can come along with some words of encouragement. 

[momtara]

How long ago was her DBT?  Since she says she wants more therapy, maybe you can find a better doctor or specialist and try again.  At least you'll know you tried.  Plus you two can get counseling together at the same time.  If you both want to make it work and she accepts the diagnosis, at least you might want to try, even if it's expensive.  Your heartbreak and what-ifs may be more expensive down the line.  You should make a list of everything that needs to change.  If those things don't change soon enough, then you may be ready to go.

[caughtnreleased]

Diagnosis changed one thing: me. I read about how things were going to unfold, and they did, exactly as everyone has written on these boards.  So it gave me the tools and knowledge to protect myself and walk down a different path than the one he would have like me to go down with him. 

For him, I think he used the diagnosis as a way to explain and even justify his behavior... .