Was your parent diagnosed?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been trying to write this post for the past thirty minutes, but every time I try, I feel as though I waste too much time trying to justify myself. And therein lies the problem.

I believe my mother is uBPD. I have been honest with my therapist about the "u" part. When discussing my mother's behavior with my therapist, I'm usually very careful to clarify that her BPD is a suspicion of mine. However, I also have overwhelming evidence that this is something my mother suffers from — hence my presence on this board. This past week, when referenced what I called my mother's "condition," my therapist said this before proceeding to give me some advice: "Well, first of all, we don't know whether your mom has BPD; she may or she may not... ."

I understand two things: First, it would be unethical for a mental health professional to diagnose someone they've never met. Second, it would be chaos if everyone thought they had the ability to diagnose others. But I have to believe that it isn't an accident that Walking on Eggshells often reads like my autobiography. It can't be an accident that I relate to "Other Mother" syndrome as it's described in that book, or recognize when my mother is being a Queen, Witch, Waif, or Hermit. It can't be a coincidence that she has body issues, harbors intense self-hatred, is terrified of abandonment, and yet she emotionally devastates those who love her most. Or that she is impulsive, emotionally unstable, easily threatened, and often feels empty.

I understand the importance of a formal diagnosis when it comes to mental health. But when your mother refuses to see a professional who could potentially diagnose her, how are you supposed to feel anything but invalidated?

[tick.tock]

I've been trying to write this post for the past thirty minutes, but every time I try, I feel as though I waste too much time trying to justify myself. And therein lies the problem.

I believe my mother is uBPD. I have been honest with my therapist about the "u" part. When discussing my mother's behavior with my therapist, I'm usually very careful to clarify that her BPD is a suspicion of mine. However, I also have overwhelming evidence that this is something my mother suffers from — hence my presence on this board. This past week, when referenced what I called my mother's "condition," my therapist said this before proceeding to give me some advice: "Well, first of all, we don't know whether your mom has BPD; she may or she may not... ."

I understand two things: First, it would be unethical for a mental health professional to diagnose someone they've never met. Second, it would be chaos if everyone thought they had the ability to diagnose others. But I have to believe that it isn't an accident that Walking on Eggshells often reads like my autobiography. It can't be an accident that I relate to "Other Mother" syndrome as it's described in that book, or recognize when my mother is being a Queen, Witch, Waif, or Hermit. It can't be a coincidence that she has body issues, harbors intense self-hatred, is terrified of abandonment, and yet she emotionally devastates those who love her most. Or that she is impulsive, emotionally unstable, easily threatened, and often feels empty.

I understand the importance of a formal diagnosis when it comes to mental health. But when your mother refuses to see a professional who could potentially diagnose her, how are you supposed to feel anything but invalidated?

[Sitara]

In response to your title, no my mom is not formally diagnosed.  She hates mental health care professionals with a passion.  She had told me before that I should see a psychologist to help me deal with all my issues, and trust me, it was fully intended as an insult.  I've tried (sincerely and with concern) suggesting that she seek help from someone to help deal with unresolved issues from her past, but it did not go well.  She is never going to admit anything is wrong, and therefore will never receive a formal diagnosis.

You're right, your therapist can't diagnose someone without meeting them first.  Despite my mom meeting most, if not all, the symptoms of BPD, I still occasionally question myself.  I completely understand wanting someone to validate that you're not the crazy one, she is!  It helps me that I have friends who believe my crazy stories about her and a husband who knows how she is first hand.

Do the techniques for dealing with BPD family members work with your mom?

Would having a formal diagnosis change how you are going about your healing process?

I'd encourage you to keep posting!  I know it's helped me a lot to find other people with similar life experiences.

[GeekyGirl]

I understand the importance of a formal diagnosis when it comes to mental health. But when your mother refuses to see a professional who could potentially diagnose her, how are you supposed to feel anything but invalidated?

Many people with BPD aren't diagnosed, and therefore don't seek treatment. I know how frustrating that can be--my mother probably would be a lot happier if she dealt with her depression and BPD traits.

A diagnosis is very important, so the person affected can seek the right treatment.

Would having a formal diagnosis change how you are going about your healing process?

Sitara asks a great question. I can understand how you'd feel validated if your mother were to be formally diagnosed, but what would that mean for you and your personal growth?

[MovingOnInMyLife]

I believe my mother is uBPD.

This past week, when referenced what I called my mother's "condition," my therapist said this before proceeding to give me some advice: "Well, first of all, we don't know whether your mom has BPD; she may or she may not... ."

But when your mother refuses to see a professional who could potentially diagnose her, how are you supposed to feel anything but invalidated?

I can SO relate to you and almost feel your pain through your post. I totally get the "invalidation" you are feeling and if my therapist said to me what yours said to you, I would feel DEVASTATED and hurt. For sure. You don't say how that made you feel but I know it would have upset me because as a daughter of my abusive mother, I never learned to trust myself or my feelings, and therefore, I am very sensitive to such things.

But I want you to know that I believe I was exactly where you are... .just over 3 years ago. My mother was never diagnosed. (She would NEVER see a therapist; she thinks her problems are everyone else's fault, of course, just like most people with BPD and NPD.) When I first learned about BPD, I knew right away that I had finally found the name for the CRAZY I had experienced from her for my entire life. It was so wonderful, earth shattering and horrible at the same time. I felt for the first time that maybe it wasn't ME all along, that maybe it really was HER, and that maybe I wasn't crazy after all. (Being raised by a BPD/NPD mom is "crazy making" for sure.) Later, doing more reading, I realized she is as much NPD as she is BPD. When I first starting posting on this board, I felt very nervous about calling her BPD without that diagnosis - like I was being dishonest. But I got past it. I know she has it. I needed to trust myself. And AFTER ALL, this was about ME and MY HEALING. Not really about her at all. So I write about my BPD mom - I don't get hung up on the fact that she was never diagnosed. I don't care about that. I'm here to heal myself.

I don't know what other people would think about that. And frankly, I don't care. I'm here to get help and to get better. I know my truth!

So, if you can move past this concern, I think it can help you in your healing.

[HappyHeart]

The short answer is: no.

My dad was dead when I figured out he was NPD. My therapist listened patiently to why I believed this to be so without so much as a comment.

My ex was already my ex when I figured  out they were BPD- my therapist clarified seven ways til sunday that she could not diagnose anyone from second hand description- but it sure sounded much like BPD.

I now suspect my brother is BPD- and my therapist is  just not having it. she is going down the route (and correctly I would add) that he needs a professional diagnosis. Yes, he really does. Will he ever get one? Not if he can help it.

I started feeling like a dork? nerd? freak? at my therapist's -- every few months bringing up a suddenly revealed self diagnosis of a person who is or was important to my life. It's like I was seeing BPD in too many places.

I have to deal with who and how my brother is- whatever it's labeled and whoever creates that label. And that's what I take away from it- he does not want any help and I can't change that. I can only change how I relate to him.

[petridish]

In response to your title, no my mom is not formally diagnosed.  She hates mental health care professionals with a passion.  She had told me before that I should see a psychologist to help me deal with all my issues, and trust me, it was fully intended as an insult.  I've tried (sincerely and with concern) suggesting that she seek help from someone to help deal with unresolved issues from her past, but it did not go well.  She is never going to admit anything is wrong, and therefore will never receive a formal diagnosis.

You're right, your therapist can't diagnose someone without meeting them first.  Despite my mom meeting most, if not all, the symptoms of BPD, I still occasionally question myself.  I completely understand wanting someone to validate that you're not the crazy one, she is!  It helps me that I have friends who believe my crazy stories about her and a husband who knows how she is first hand.

Do the techniques for dealing with BPD family members work with your mom?

Would having a formal diagnosis change how you are going about your healing process?

I'd encourage you to keep posting!  I know it's helped me a lot to find other people with similar life experiences.

THIS. I know it's off-topic, but it's exactly what my mother has done since I first started "talking back" to her as a kid.

My mother's undiagnosed. The two things that make me question whether or not she's BPD are a) a lack of childhood history (that I know of) that would make her predisposed to it, and b) how hard it is to treat (I just want her to be able to be reliable and a mother!).

I'm sorry about your experience with your therapist. It sounds like you've been clear that you know this is your strong suspicion, so I can definitely understand why them explicitly prefacing their advice for dealing with her with that disclaimer would feel invalidating (both of your suspicion and of you being clear that it's a suspicion, not a diagnosis).

[MyNascence]

Most people that exhibit BPD traits go undiagnosed.  Sometimes they have a narcissist streak and enjoy playing the victim, but most of the time, mental health professionals are a bunch of quacks to them. 

When I first had learned about BPD, I felt so guilty on these boards.  Talking about it, I felt almost as if I was a fraud. 

What's important to remember is that BPD is a personality disorder.  What that means is that all of us are capable of these behaviors, and have probably at some point exhibited them - the difference is the level / amount they do it and their inability/refusal to acknowledge/accept the abuse they are dealing on others. 

So what helped me was to focus on the BEHAVIORS, not the label.  And to focus on learning to deal with the behavior and not the label.  My mothers behaved like that... .like a monster.  Like someone that was self serving and abusive.  In the end, that's all that matters! 

[Sasha5542]

I can understand where you are coming from. For the longest time, I tried to figure out what was wrong with my mother. It wasn't until I was a young adult that I finally "found" the BPD diagnosis. Understanding the BPD diagnosis was important to me because it gave me a place to start in understanding the crazy behavior. While a diagnosis can help you to understand signs and symptoms, it is just a label. No diagnosis can really fully explain the experience that you have felt. I am so sorry to hear that your therapist didn't validate your feelings and offer support. My mother has been dead now for 19 years and was never diagnosed with BPD, but I know that is what she had. While it helped me understand that she had a mental illness in the beginning, I no longer wonder anymore. I define her more as my experiences with her. Thank you for posting. It made me think about my own journey as well.

[enough abuse]

You may want to consider seeking another opinion from a psychologist or liscensed therapist.  I totally understand everything you are saying and feel as if I could have written exactly what you wrote.

The uBPD in my family is my sister and my mom and I the victims.  Four years ago I took my mom to the psychologist with me and she also said "how can they diagnose her without meeting her"  We have now seen 2 thearapists and both say the same thing.   Rarely, rarely ... .rarely do these people EVER seek treatment.  "they don't have a problem, everyone else does"

The thearapist told me the "well" victims are the ones that seek help never the BPD.  She also told me these people are so manipulative that some thearapists don't even care to treat these people because they do not trust them one on one in a session.  She said it is rarely a problem because they refuse to seek help. 

I have been very fortunate.  When I finally went to get help, I had no idea what to expect.  I had all these facts of things that happened and my responses and feeling seemed totally appropriate and my sisters response totally inappropriate but I had no idea.  After 30min of describing what was going on their was no question...


I would encourage you to find or at least explore another professional. 

All the best... .it's tough

[Contradancer]

My mother may have been, but she refused to go to the counseling session to hear the diagnosis.  My ex was diagnosed with BPD, so I

I'm familiar enough to recognize her symptoms.