I was just blindsided by my ex... words cut me to my core

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Haven't posted in a while, but i've been reading often. I want to thank all of you who have been posting your experiences, expositions and ruminations.  They have helped me along the way in my healing and recovery.  I still am prone to having setbacks occasionally.  I still have a lot of feelings wrapped up in my ex and have to interact with her as we are co-parenting our 3 children.  Let me get to the crux of my current problem.

Since my ex left in early May to move in with her new fixation/romantic partner/wife etc., she has remarked on more than one occasion how much she misses the closeness of our relationship.  Since the new SO is only home every other weekend due to work, she deals with loneliness during the weeks she is home alone.  I, on the other hand, deal with my loneliness 24/7.  I do miss the companionship and her physical presence in my home and in my life.  Just two weeks ago, we spent an hour on the phone where I listened to her cry literal tears about how much she misses me, is sorry about all the hurt she's caused me, tells me i'm the one who knows her best and misses the closeness we've had. We both resolved that we'd try a bit harder to get closer friendship.

This is a hard thing for me of course.  Every time I see her face, or hear her voice, I'm reminded of the pain I feel so I close myself off in response.  This makes her react very badly naturally.  Today, was probably the worst and it hit me really hard.

I've been accused of making little digs at her.  Comparing her lack of equal time spent with the kids, especially on weekends when she's not working.  Coincidentally (or not) those are the weekends her new SO is home, so usually she does NOT take them on those weekends, and of course on the weekends she has to work, she can't keep them either.  I make far more money than she, so i'm taking care of their needs more often than her.  I don't mind this as I would do anything for my children.  Today on the phone, she calls me out on things I say that make her feel like a bad parent.  Here's the hammer:  She attempts to soften the blow by saying "I'm not saying this to compare, but I feel so much more accepted and welcome by her friends and family that I EVER was by yours.  I feel so much more appreciated by everything I do from her than you did for me."

I pretty much lost it on the phone, cussing her out and hanging up on her.  She calls back saying I'm not trying to hurt me but that she was trying to make a point.  If the point was to hurt me, and make me feel less than adequate, she accomplished that goal.  I, of course, defended my positions with her, detailed how much I attempted to show my appreciation with little things (Facebook didn't exist when we began, but now that it does the new SO makes a big deal out of EVERYTHING she does).  Made me sick to hear it all.

To end, she said that she was still VERY angry with me that we're not closer yet.  She wishes she could laugh, and joke with me like we used to and its MY fault that we're not there.  I should just ignore all of my feelings and just get with the program.  In what I saw as a threat, she says we probably should keep all contact very low until you feel like you are ready to have a friendship.  That day may never come I fear.

I'm hurt.  I'm Angry.  I'm very, very sad. She was my very first love, and she still means a whole lot to me, despite her shortcomings. I feel like my weekend has been ruined before it even began.  This all happened 5 hours ago, and I'll be thinking about it all weekend.  I spoke with her sister who has been quite a shoulder for me to lean on (she's going thru a divorce of eerily similar situations). She attempted to remind me that despite the rosy picture she's painting it's really not all rosy in the situation, but I can't think about that.  Only the pain of the words remain.

It's going to be a long weekend... .

[LostSunshine]

Haven't posted in a while, but i've been reading often. I want to thank all of you who have been posting your experiences, expositions and ruminations.  They have helped me along the way in my healing and recovery.  I still am prone to having setbacks occasionally.  I still have a lot of feelings wrapped up in my ex and have to interact with her as we are co-parenting our 3 children.  Let me get to the crux of my current problem.

Since my ex left in early May to move in with her new fixation/romantic partner/wife etc., she has remarked on more than one occasion how much she misses the closeness of our relationship.  Since the new SO is only home every other weekend due to work, she deals with loneliness during the weeks she is home alone.  I, on the other hand, deal with my loneliness 24/7.  I do miss the companionship and her physical presence in my home and in my life.  Just two weeks ago, we spent an hour on the phone where I listened to her cry literal tears about how much she misses me, is sorry about all the hurt she's caused me, tells me i'm the one who knows her best and misses the closeness we've had. We both resolved that we'd try a bit harder to get closer friendship.

This is a hard thing for me of course.  Every time I see her face, or hear her voice, I'm reminded of the pain I feel so I close myself off in response.  This makes her react very badly naturally.  Today, was probably the worst and it hit me really hard.

I've been accused of making little digs at her.  Comparing her lack of equal time spent with the kids, especially on weekends when she's not working.  Coincidentally (or not) those are the weekends her new SO is home, so usually she does NOT take them on those weekends, and of course on the weekends she has to work, she can't keep them either.  I make far more money than she, so i'm taking care of their needs more often than her.  I don't mind this as I would do anything for my children.  Today on the phone, she calls me out on things I say that make her feel like a bad parent.  Here's the hammer:  She attempts to soften the blow by saying "I'm not saying this to compare, but I feel so much more accepted and welcome by her friends and family that I EVER was by yours.  I feel so much more appreciated by everything I do from her than you did for me."

I pretty much lost it on the phone, cussing her out and hanging up on her.  She calls back saying I'm not trying to hurt me but that she was trying to make a point.  If the point was to hurt me, and make me feel less than adequate, she accomplished that goal.  I, of course, defended my positions with her, detailed how much I attempted to show my appreciation with little things (Facebook didn't exist when we began, but now that it does the new SO makes a big deal out of EVERYTHING she does).  Made me sick to hear it all.

To end, she said that she was still VERY angry with me that we're not closer yet.  She wishes she could laugh, and joke with me like we used to and its MY fault that we're not there.  I should just ignore all of my feelings and just get with the program.  In what I saw as a threat, she says we probably should keep all contact very low until you feel like you are ready to have a friendship.  That day may never come I fear.

I'm hurt.  I'm Angry.  I'm very, very sad. She was my very first love, and she still means a whole lot to me, despite her shortcomings. I feel like my weekend has been ruined before it even began.  This all happened 5 hours ago, and I'll be thinking about it all weekend.  I spoke with her sister who has been quite a shoulder for me to lean on (she's going thru a divorce of eerily similar situations). She attempted to remind me that despite the rosy picture she's painting it's really not all rosy in the situation, but I can't think about that.  Only the pain of the words remain.

It's going to be a long weekend... .

[MangoMadness]

I'm so sorry. I know the exact feeling--how she can get over what she's done so quickly, which hurts even more. My ex was my first love as well, and the first one always cuts extra deep. It's a double kick to the rear when they happen to be BPD.

My ex still meant a lot to me at first, and she did the same exact crap. Put on a "life is wonderful" facade. I'm here for you, your story is so painfully similar to mine. If you ever need someone to listen, send me a message. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[toomanytears]

I really feel for you. LostSunshine. It's so hard when you are still so enmeshed - bringing up three kids so you have to have contact with her to maintain your relationship with them. It keeps the wound festering and open and she is using it to dump her sense of shame onto you and keep you dangling in the cruelest way.

I wonder if it's better for us nons to be counter intuitive as we survive this awful experience. We are so good at being positive, nurturing, caring, and we hang on in because we keep reminding ourselves of the good times.

But perhaps we should take the opposite approach and do like the BPD: hang onto the bad times so we don't slip back to old nurturing habits.

Remember how awful she's been to you, over and over and over. Make a list and read the red flags when you begin to waiver. We're with you.  

[LostSunshine]

I really feel for you. LostSunshine. It's so hard when you are still so enmeshed - bringing up three kids so you have to have contact with her to maintain your relationship with them. It keeps the wound festering and open and she is using it to dump her sense of shame onto you and keep you dangling in the cruelest way.

I wonder if it's better for us nons to be counter intuitive as we survive this awful experience. We are so good at being positive, nurturing, caring, and we hang on in because we keep reminding ourselves of the good times.

But perhaps we should take the opposite approach and do like the BPD: hang onto the bad times so we don't slip back to old nurturing habits.

Remember how awful she's been to you, over and over and over. Make a list and read the red flags when you begin to waiver. We're with you.  

It's interesting to note that she has admitted feeling lots of shame after she has left.  during the sob sessions,  she said as much to me. Its hard to think about it now, but I have to remember that she is not well, no matter how hard she tries to maintain the facade.  She would still tease me sexually even shortly after leaving. For someone who has supposed to have switched teams, that shouldn't be happening. Whatever her wor may say, that certainly isnt love and respect for the new partner.

[babyducks]

hi Lost Sunshine,

On another thread on this board Discovery posted the list of BPD/NPD traits.   If you haven't looked wander over and read them.

In the exchange you had with your EX is almost everyone of those BPD/NPD traits.

I too had one of those 'conversations' with my EX that wounded me to the core.

What destroyed me was I literally had poured my heart and soul out to the person who I loved most in the world,... and who was suppose to love me back.   

And what I got was completely discounted.  What I was thinking and feeling not only didn't matter, it was wrong and trivial.

Even knowing that my EX has a serious mental disorder was no protection from that kind of soul destroying action. 

I feel for you.   

A blow doesn't have to be physical to create a physical reaction.   My suggestion... take extra care of yourself for the next few days.  You have just had the equivalent of a punch in the head.

babyducks

[maxen]

hi lostsunshine. i'm so sorry to hear the continuing grief you're being put through. i too had such conversations. they are very wounding, and infuriating too. such conversations are hardly mature engagement. please take care of yourself now.

What destroyed me was I literally had poured my heart and soul out to the person who I loved most in the world,... and who was suppose to love me back.   

And what I got was completely discounted.  What I was thinking and feeling not only didn't matter, it was wrong and trivial.

Even knowing that my EX has a serious mental disorder was no protection from that kind of soul destroying action. 

after my w left i poured my heart out twice (in emails, she wouldn't speak with me), once she said she wouldn't respond, the other time she said she wouldn't read it. this from the person who chose to marry me. and it's so true babyducks, the fact that my w has BPD just didn't soften the blow.

[necchi]

Their shame is about them.not you has you know they don't see any of there doing has being wrong, in fact if they do do, their minds immediately send this thought to the black you. Of course you might already know this, but just to remind you!

[GreenMango]

Id be hurt by that too!

To end, she said that she was still VERY angry with me that we're not closer yet. She wishes she could laugh, and joke with me like we used to and its MY fault that we're not there. I should just ignore all of my feelings and just get with the program. In what I saw as a threat, she says we probably should keep all contact very low until you feel like you are ready to have a friendship. That day may never come I fear.

She can want all kinds of things.  It doesn't mean its possible for you.  Thats okay.  Her lashing out when she isn't getting her all of her needs met - is that any different then while you were together?

I'd advocate some real emotional boundaries for yourself.  These kinds of demands are unreasonable.