When did the penny drop about BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My real name is Harm and I got screwed and abused my ex BPD in Krakow 

I loved this thread. Now I'd be interestd to hear from fellow boarders what led them to find out that their partner had BPD.

HarmKrakow's name reminded me of when I realised that there was more going on than simply couples rowing and not getting on.

The penny dropped with me after a weekend break in the city of Utrecht.

In ten seconds the atmosphere went from one of intense happiness to the pit of despair as my BPDh went balistic over whether we would have breakfast in the hotel or go out to a cafe. We'd had a lovely weekend and it was the last day. I remember going into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror and seeing a face in shock and confusion, not understanding how it had happened.

When my BPDh took me to the airport the last thing he did was to whisper in my ear the words 'try not to get so angry'. It was so unjust I could not stop the tears flowing all the way home.

When I got back I started researching online for symptoms that fitted his. Then when I found this board the last 25 years of my life with my BPDh finally made some kind of sense. This website has been a godsend.

[toomanytears]

My real name is Harm and I got screwed and abused my ex BPD in Krakow 

I loved this thread. Now I'd be interestd to hear from fellow boarders what led them to find out that their partner had BPD.

HarmKrakow's name reminded me of when I realised that there was more going on than simply couples rowing and not getting on.

The penny dropped with me after a weekend break in the city of Utrecht.

In ten seconds the atmosphere went from one of intense happiness to the pit of despair as my BPDh went balistic over whether we would have breakfast in the hotel or go out to a cafe. We'd had a lovely weekend and it was the last day. I remember going into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror and seeing a face in shock and confusion, not understanding how it had happened.

When my BPDh took me to the airport the last thing he did was to whisper in my ear the words 'try not to get so angry'. It was so unjust I could not stop the tears flowing all the way home.

When I got back I started researching online for symptoms that fitted his. Then when I found this board the last 25 years of my life with my BPDh finally made some kind of sense. This website has been a godsend.

[Ironmanrises]

The penny dropped for me when my exUBPDgf RAGED at me at the end of round 1. Literally screamed her lungs out at me over the phone when I asked in a calm voice, "Why do you no longer wish to be with me?" She was breaking up with me out of no where. Her response[yelling]: "I am tired of this PLEASE READ. I am tired of this hit__ PLEASE READ_. That's it. We are through. No more. I can't take this PLEASE READ_ anymore!" Those were her words to me. I put that all in caps to showcase how she was literally yelling at me. I was walking to work on that very day. I almost dropped my cell phone as she unleashed all of that on me. I had NO idea up until that point about BPD. That was my first eye opening welcome into the world of BPD. A friend of mine suggested Bipolar. That didn't quite fit. Until, that led me to BPD. And I found this forum. And the accounts on here, after reading just a few, brought me to tears. They all sounded like my ex. Account after account. I saw my ex described in almost all of them. Her behaviors. Her patterns. For hit__ sake, after that, all the pennies from the sky fell. They still fall to this day.

[Jonie]

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[Kettlepot]

I started researching into personality disorders after an off hand remark caused what looked like a complete meltdown in my uBPDex.

We had ended our relationship but she had not yet to move out of the house. She had though, started and ended a new relationship with someone else, was organising to move into a friend's place and we had, I thought, accepted the relationship was over. I used to do the majority of housework in our relationship and one weekend decided that I was no longer going to do her ironing or washing and told her so. She laughed this off. When it came time for a shirt to be ironed and I refused, she shut down and walked out of room. I found her lying on her bed in foetal position bawling her eyes out.  She refused to talk to me for a day, then suggested we go to counselling the next morning. I agreed and suggested she organise it. When I enquired later that day if she'd made an appointment, she got angry saying there was no future for us, that I needed to let go.

My friend also suggested that my exSO might have bipolar so I started researching it but she did not fit the behaviours.  Finding this site has been an eye opener for me as our behaviours have been so well defined. It's like a tick a box.

[Discovery]

After I got split black and he changed from loving me for 7 years to having "no feelings whatsoever" for me and dropping me by a cold email like I had no more value, I booked a session with a therapist who is an expert on attachment disorders - I had originally found her thinking we could do couples work with her on the avoidant-pursuer dance that had been ongoing.

She said my former partner sounded like he had behaviors that were very narcissistic.

I barely knew what this term meant. I had no idea of it's clinical meaning in terms of mental health.

The word stuck with me, and after the session, I went online and researched narcissist, found narcissistic abuse, and THAT seemed to describe very well much of my r/s. I ended up doing a session with another T who specifically helps people who've been in NPD r/s, and SHE said that my partner sounded more BPD than NPD - looked up BPD and THEN EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. I credit the internet with my sanity... .I was despondent, felt TOTALLY confused and honestly felt as close to suicidal thoughts as I ever have. If I had not found out there was a REASON for what he did that actually made sense on some level, I am sure I would still be in deep deep depression and I'm not sure I would ever have recovered from the shock and trauma. I've learned so much from this site and have needed it for the validation necessary to start healing. Thank you everyone on these boards.

[RecycledNoMore]

I spent 8 years with my uBPDx, I knew he had a lot of " issues" due to childhood trauma, his own mother was jailed when he was a baby for the manslaughter of her own abusive father, when she was realeased  my uBPDx, grew up watching his own father beat the bejesus out of his mother, they had 8 children, they grew up in poverty because both parents were compulsive gamblers... .

I always thought if I could love him enough, he would change, the physical abuse, constant lying and  manupulation became a normality.We tried therapy, but he could not sustain what he percieved as scrutiny, I was always searching the internet for answers about domestic violence, hoping that maybe I could find a different approach, 1 thing that never really fit was his total lack of empathy, he could inflict pain on me with ease, he would be so very cold, the apologies after a few years were robotic, repeats verbatim, many times I tried to talk things through, always pouring my heart and soul out to him, his response was always contrived, insincere, he never " got it", anyway.

Thats what lead me here,finding other people here, with eerily similar stories and experiences, well, Im not exagerating when I say that finding out about BPD saved my life.

[bb12]

My ex just stopped communicating on a meaningful level and raged when I pushed for an explanation. Catch ups became fraught and he would give nothing of himself. He seemed hurried and like he had to be somewhere else. He would be nice on the phone and want to meet up but then be aloof and rude when he saw me. Yet he wouldn't end it.

My ex went silent (never to communicate again) and my body was in agony. The pull for answers was so intense.

The lack of accountability, constant blaming, inability to apologise or to thank were the main indicators or things that made me realise my ex had big problems. My chronic anxiety, and desire to fix it and stay in a one-sided and abusive r/ship were the indicators that I did too!

Bb12

[hergestridge]

The penny dropped in june. We had a four week vacation together, me, wife + our daughter. It soon became obvious that she couldn't stand being around me, but that she wanted (and demanded) me to be around 24/7. We ended up in psych ER after just a few days (with her anxienty levels spiralling out of control, suicidal threats etc). After my wife had explained her sitaution to the doctor, the doc turned to me (!) and said "Do you and your daughter get to do things on your own?".

I started to read about BPD the days that followed and realized that it pretty much summed up my wive's problem. And it sort of explained why I hadn't felt welcome in my own home for the last ten years. It takes some time adjust to.

That so much of the anxiety that I thought was my own was in fact hers.

[Waifed]

My uBPDexgf was a waif and didn't rage outwardly. Instead she used manipulation and emotional abuse to wear me down over a three year period. I knew something was wrong but honestly I was afraid to ask the right questions to find out the truth. I looked the other way. She destroyed my self esteem subtly to the point I felt unworthy of her. I had never heard of BPD. Two weeks after ending the relationship I met with a "P". I explained the relationship and he told me about BPD, told me to read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I did.  Bingo.

[HarmKrakow]

My real name is Harm and I got screwed and abused my ex BPD in Krakow 

I loved this thread. Now I'd be interestd to hear from fellow boarders what led them to find out that their partner had BPD.

HarmKrakow's name reminded me of when I realised that there was more going on than simply couples rowing and not getting on.

The penny dropped with me after a weekend break in the city of Utrecht.

In ten seconds the atmosphere went from one of intense happiness to the pit of despair as my BPDh went balistic over whether we would have breakfast in the hotel or go out to a cafe. We'd had a lovely weekend and it was the last day. I remember going into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror and seeing a face in shock and confusion, not understanding how it had happened.

When my BPDh took me to the airport the last thing he did was to whisper in my ear the words 'try not to get so angry'. It was so unjust I could not stop the tears flowing all the way home.

When I got back I started researching online for symptoms that fitted his. Then when I found this board the last 25 years of my life with my BPDh finally made some kind of sense. This website has been a godsend.

LOL

[oblivian2013]

Serendipity. My wife told me she had a mental illness on our first date (red flag missed right there) but nobody knew what it was. Fast forward 3 years, SI, psych hospital, etc., she says she's leaving. Still says they don't know what's wrong with her. The last day I saw her she arrived with a police escort to take the last of her belongings. I gave her a kiss good-bye. That evening while talking to my sister, she said she was talking to a family friend who is a LCSW who said it sounded a lot like BPD. Bam! And she just walked out the door!

I sent her an email saying I finally figured it out, thinking I had the answer to help her problems. I thought I was doing a good deed. Since then she has been a vengeful as possible. Straight to a divorce with no closure. 2 years no contact. Filed and received frivolous charges against me, absconded with my car leaving me to pay insurance, etc. In court she claimed it was PTSD. Does PTSD make you vengeful?

[peas]

The penny dropped about my uBPDexbf a month after we broke up and I found this site. When my bf and I were together, I didn't know about BPD and I attributed his behavior and emotional problems to his drinking. When he was drunk he was emotionally and verbally abusive. When he was sober he was anxious. I had gone online looking for answers and kept visiting alcohol and emotional abuse sites for months, then I was led to this forum.

But during the r/s, even not knowing BPD, I still sensed something was way wrong. The penny dropped during my r/s when I noticed my ex either withdrawing or becoming more agitated -- which followed his pledges of forever love and commitment to me. He lost interest in me: started scheduling activities without me, cut me out of his social group, and our conversations became shallow and banal. The sex mostly disappeared unless I initiated it. And then during some of his last rages my ex started telling me that other women wanted to sleep with him, which was his way of threatening me. When I called him out on suspecting he was either messing around or thinking about messing around with other women, he flipped out and said I was jealous and that I was "being a b*tch." He would also snap and yell at me to leave if I brought up something about him that bothered me.

And when I did leave one night during a rage and didn't return, he said we were done because I left.

All the above added up quickly to what I now see as a classic "devalue and discard" stage of BPD. As far as my moods and behavior, I was anxious throughout the r/s, always scared he was on the verge of dumping me. My ex maintained a level of anger and resentment of me throughout the r/s. I put in a lot more effort than he did in the r/s because I thought if I just proved myself enough he'd understand how much I loved him and wanted to be with him.

[peas]

As I'm thinking about it more, the BPD relationship was lived day to day. Because of my ex's unstable moods, I couldn't trust his words or plans. The anxiety I felt was off the charts. But that anxiety fed my determination to get what I wanted in the r/s -- to be secure and married -- and that kept me going every day with the dysfunction because I thought there would be a big payoff of us arriving somewhere permanent together and him being more stable.

[toomanytears]

As I'm thinking about it more, the BPD relationship was lived day to day. Because of my ex's unstable moods, I couldn't trust his words or plans. The anxiety I felt was off the charts. But that anxiety fed my determination to get what I wanted in the r/s -- to be secure and married -- and that kept me going every day with the dysfunction because I thought there would be a big payoff of us arriving somewhere permanent together and him being more stable.

Yup. Peas, you've described my relationship with my BPDh down to a tee. Day in day out of highs and lows, but I always hung on to the belief that we would achieve happiness in the end. At last we made it happen and everything did fall into place - children, home, finances, jobs... .security... .that's what I thought... .but the BPD won out in the end.

Now I'm rebuilding my life without him. I know I can do it alone. To be honest, I've been alone for years, only I just could not see it.

[starshine]

Maybe a month after my uBPDexbf dumped me I googled "cruel breakups" and somehow found out about BPD.  I was aware that my boyfriend had no long term relationships, but he had buddies- you know, the ones from the bar.  His kids wouldn't talk with him, but my kid's dad has done all sorts of parental alienation, so I could relate. He said it was a really bad breakup with his wife of 27 years, who was cheating... .blahblahblah.  I could relate.  My kid's dad is aspd/npd/BPD.  A really dangerous guy. Also with no long term friends, wealthy parents that bought him a house and a business to stay away from them, and a righteous sense of vindication.  Here's an interesting thing- right after I had read about BPD I told my dad about it, like I was explaining that this was what happened, this was the kind of relationship I had been in.  That I needed extra help and support.  And he snapped back as me, "Jesus, all you women think your guys have a personality disorder!"- totally negating what I was saying without listening to what I was saying. And I think to myself, hmmmmmmm... .my dad has said all sorts of things to me throughout my entire life that probably set me up to be negated in other intimate relationships my whole life.  

I mean, seriously- I have read my exact story on these boards so many times.  There must be a script.  "THAT"S IT, WE'RE DONE!" and that was how my last uBPDexbf ended a 5 year relationship.  Well, actually he ended it 4 days later when he began ___ing a friend of ours.  Of his. We had wills, medical power of attorney.  Man, it was nuts- I had only read about breakups like that, so I googled until things started making sense. I knew I didn't want him back- I DID WANT HIM BACK, but I couldn't have someone who could betray me so badly, bizarrely, cruelly be my intimate partner.  He had been betraying me in so many little ways, but not to this core level.  I was having flash backs and flash forwards of what my kid's dad has done, and how this now uexBPDbf knew all my dirt, and even where some of the bodies are buried.  I was terrified they were going to gang up on me.  And the kids dad did come in the for kill, but I don't know that the uexBPDbf gave him a hand.  My possibly personality disordered daughter did, and that was just another crushing blow.  I really shattered, and was stuck for a long time in deep sadness and anger.  Very lonely.

So now I am very aware of personality disorders.  It is a relief to know that I'm not just making this stuff up, that it is very real, and there are tools for me to use to navigate these relationships.  Having NC/LC has been the best for me.  I may not have gotten the closure I thought I needed from the exbf, but having LC with the baby daddy was awful, so I went with what felt safest for my broken self.  NC.

Trying to negotiate with myself how to have a relationship with my daughter, who is super sweet and loving, and completely untrustworthy.  She's not the type to steal, but she will set traps, sabotage situations, and leak information to her dad.  Good thing she is half-way around the world from both her father and me.  

[frag1911]

She and I knew each other from work before we ever started dating.  I had even dated someone before her and she knew it.  After her divorce we started seeing each other and I knew she had jealousy and insecurities.  That was about 3 years ago, and during that time I had even initiated couples counseling, which she quit.

After all this time, I had had enough.  A couple months ago I called and arranged for counseling again.  I did know that we needed someone who has experience with personality disorders.  I didn't give my uBPDex-g/f an option; this or it's the end.  When I contacted the counselor by email, I gave no description of our need other than we needed relationship counseling.  She called me the next day to make an appointment and ask a couple of detail questions.

After I told her a few of things (jealousy, monitoring, rages, accusations of cheating and lying) we arranged an appointment.  It would be a month away because she was leaving for vacation in a couple of days.  She then immediately told me that I should find a book as soon as possible called "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me".  She didn't describe anything at all about the book but that I should find it as soon as I could.

After we got off the phone I went to my computer and looked up the title and learned that it is about BPD.  I started searching for info right then, but didn't find the book until a week or so ago, and I joined this site.

[GlennT]

Learning from several online resources. I was confused whether it could be outside issues, plus curable, psychological problems, some folks have in relationships. Then I discovered you can't get confused. You will know when you get to meet mr/miss satan.  I  finially threw her down with the penny  when she started stealing my money. I could shrug off the emotional mega-storms and cheating, but stealing my money gave her a criminal record and jail time. I have'nt seen her since.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I had been looking for answers to the bizarre behavior and wondering why i was dumped out of the blue for another woman one day, when the day before I got professions of love... and then was subsequently stalked.

I knew there was something very off about him from day one, but I couldn't explain it.

My therapist friend and my own therapist suggested He had BPD traits... i had never understood the full extent of the disorder before.  after doing tons of research and reading similar stories of virtually every bizarre behavior he displayed that i thought was unique to my situation, it clicked like a lightbulb moment.

[damage control]

Mine never raged or yelled ... but there were a couple of times when he got very nasty, very quickly when he misunderstood something that I said - I shrugged it off.

He also doesn't get jealous, he doesn't feel sexual jealousy ever - and this, I think is tied in with his JIGHLY irrational fear of relationships/intimacy.

The penny dropped, like somebody else has written here when just 9 days after moving across the country, he was able to calmly end things with me and go on a date with a woman he had met online about a week before ... I was in tatters, and he just could not relate at all ... after a year he accused me of 'obviously having an emotional attachment' even though he had professed lover, that he would never tunr away from me etc ... after telling me that I was the most desirable woamn he had met in 10 years ... he said that all desire had gone. In just 9 days. No regrets, no looking back ... NEXT!

[the_woman]

Hi

After 4 months of having this parasite in my life, the penny finally dropped in the car for me when she grabbed my phone out of my hand, accused me of having an affair with a friend and seeing a crazed look to her face as she did so.  She was a friend and was married but had created an attachment so strong between us that it mirrored a relationship.  The manic look to her face, raging at me one minute, then calmly speaking to her girlfriend on the phone the next, before returning to raging at me.  It frightened me so much I felt shaky in the car.  A phone call to her later induced the same manic rage and a phone call the following Monday led me to type emotionally unstable in google - it brought up BPD and the penny dropped.  Suddenly everything made sense... .the unhealthy latching on in the beginning, the obsessive behaviour, then withdrawing once she felt she had me... .controlling, invalidating; lies, manipulation etc.  Inventing fake profiles on dating sites... .I was at the point of nearly leaving my current relationship for her; such the damage she had done.  I have now cut all contact.

These people find a way in and work on you... .any vulnerability you have they find it... .

[the_woman]

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that in the car, when I had been emotionally battered, I opened the door to leave and she grabbed my arm to prevent me from leaving; before raging at me again afterwards.  She raged at me that much I almost felt guilty as if I was having an affair.  The look on her face frightened the life out of me - truly scary.

[Pretty Woman]

I hadn't had many serious relationships before my ex.  That plus this being a lesbian relationship I wasn't sure if this was normal "lesbian drama" or what. 

I guess there were a ton of red flags.  I have self esteem issues and she made me out to be an idol of sorts.  It was pretty uncomfortable.  At first I could do no wrong.  Then anytime I was insecure or stressed over any issue she would dump me. 

And they were brutal.  You could not talk to her at all.  Several times she would block my number completely. 

The last two times she did this it was to leave for someone else.  She would say we should see others and wham she is in a full blown relationship days later.

This time, with a friend of mine.  Shall I say former friend. 

A friend who probably has BPD herself.  She actually was asking me all sorts of questions about the breakups etc.  I figure ill let this one find out the hard way!

This time my ex blocked me from everything including FB. Obvious sign she is dating someone else. 

I should also mention her past sounded like something out of a soap opera.  And she mentioned cheating and leaving.  I guess I wanted to believe I was different.  We all learn.