I seem to be a trigger to my BPD friend. How come?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

I thought I'd start a new thread as I'm interested to hear thoughts on how friends and loved ones of BPDs can be triggers.

I was dating this woman a couple months ago who displayed signs of being BPD. And we then became more like friends.

She seems to have intense and rapidly changing emotions and can grossly misinterpret things I say to her. Last week she lashed out at me over text after I called to apologise about a small misunderstanding we had a week earlier. It was very aggressive and in person she is quite sweet and shy.

She said I insult her regularly and make her feel terrible all the time. And also accused me of calling her a "bipolar junkie" which I never did!  She also told me "we don't have much in common and don't bring any benefits to each others lives".

... .literally a week earlier she was saying how she misses me and misses going to dinner and the theatre with me. And also misses our conversations!

Then later she realised how much she had hurt me and started to profusely apologise saying it " wasn't my intention". She told me she was "devastated" she had upset me and that she was "destroyed". Very emotive language...

She also added that she really didn't mean to react that way and told me I have a "knack" for finding her insecurities.

All of this has been quite scary for me. I decided to leave her be for a while but I do care about her.

I just want to understand more about why I am a trigger. Is it because we once shared a sexual relationship? Is it because she likes me so I can then hurt her unintentionally?

I only thought that if a BPD is close to someone or cares for someone, that person has the potential to hurt them. In the case with this girl, I haven't seen her for almost 3 months!

We used to share an intense sexual relationship. And we admitted to liking each other. I don't quite understand how I can affect her this much...

[Diana82]

 

I thought I'd start a new thread as I'm interested to hear thoughts on how friends and loved ones of BPDs can be triggers.

I was dating this woman a couple months ago who displayed signs of being BPD. And we then became more like friends.

She seems to have intense and rapidly changing emotions and can grossly misinterpret things I say to her. Last week she lashed out at me over text after I called to apologise about a small misunderstanding we had a week earlier. It was very aggressive and in person she is quite sweet and shy.

She said I insult her regularly and make her feel terrible all the time. And also accused me of calling her a "bipolar junkie" which I never did!  She also told me "we don't have much in common and don't bring any benefits to each others lives".

... .literally a week earlier she was saying how she misses me and misses going to dinner and the theatre with me. And also misses our conversations!

Then later she realised how much she had hurt me and started to profusely apologise saying it " wasn't my intention". She told me she was "devastated" she had upset me and that she was "destroyed". Very emotive language...

She also added that she really didn't mean to react that way and told me I have a "knack" for finding her insecurities.

All of this has been quite scary for me. I decided to leave her be for a while but I do care about her.

I just want to understand more about why I am a trigger. Is it because we once shared a sexual relationship? Is it because she likes me so I can then hurt her unintentionally?

I only thought that if a BPD is close to someone or cares for someone, that person has the potential to hurt them. In the case with this girl, I haven't seen her for almost 3 months!

We used to share an intense sexual relationship. And we admitted to liking each other. I don't quite understand how I can affect her this much...

[Clearmind]

Yes you are - because people with BPD (pwBPD) are triggered by fears of abandonment, itnimacy and engulfment - closeness of an SO or close friend will inevitably cause this. Strangers not so much.

Are you getting what you need from this relationship? Are you still romantically interested in her?

[Diana82]

Well, I miss her quite a lot.

I had started to like her romantically and then she flaked on me and I went overseas. And now I'm back and since she said she misses me... we have been in a drama for 3 weeks.

I feel like I should never have asked her why she avoided me as it had started a huge drama now. But I had to know at the time as it was bugging me.

[Diana82]

I have heard BPDs "disappear" and avoid you but them come back and act like nothing happened.

Could it be she did the same and that's why she was so defensive when I asked her why she had avoided me? Is it possible she felt judged in that moment when it's normal for her to avoid/flake on people?

I thought she was playing and messing with my head. But now I think she actually doesn't think she did avoid me

[Harlequin]

I have known about my partners BPD for about a year, Have talked to her, mental health specialists and done lots of reading.  Reading blogs of those that suffer emotional distress does help.

From what I understand , people with BPD don't, can't won't process old wounds and abuse. Everything that has happened to them , every hurt,is there just below the mask they so often wear.  This also includes self damage and blame,shame .   Whether in or consciously they tend to be hyper aware of all there wounds and pain.

You most like have done nothing. Something in your manner, the way you speak. The way you lit a cigarette. A certain smile,  some words , reminder her of a particular moment. And she goes into a defensive mode.  And as with most BPD folk, a good defense is a devistating offence.   Sometimes they will remember this, adds to there shame.

Next time you see them there is the chance that just seeing you will remind them how bad they feel, and they will push away.

Remember validation, try get them to speak calmly,  and patience. And more often than not it not something that you have done.

I not trained in this, so take my appinion with grain of salt.

[Diana82]

thanks for your message. I have tried to remain calm ever since her outburst... although I have firm in telling her she hurt and confused me.

This lead to her saying she is "devastated" she upset me. It feels like she calms down and realises how crazy she was. But now she is doing all this self analysis as to why she acts so defensive around me.

I'm going to continue to be calm and rational and not respond in an emotional way.