Diagnosed BPDs

[allweareisallweare]

Red flag and white flag topic!         I just wanted to ask something based on people cussing themselves over  red-flags and the likelihood that their undiagnosed SO is possibly BPD - I want to hear experiences from those with diagnosed BPDs really - I mean, in this case there are no red flags; it's just that they have BPD, have been diagnosed, will behave thus etc... .I mean, how do you react when you find that they are bestowed with this bad disorder and you may have to face a relationship in spite of it? Because when my ex told me she had it I guess I was... .not complacent, but probably backed into a corner - when she told me she had BPD I was then faced with having to face it, basically! I didn't read at all much into the disorder, I'll be frank... .it's not like we had our first meet and she blurted it out, it emerged after a long period that she told me she was diagnosed, but there were serious  red-flags anyway... .I guess I am asking a few Qs really ... .how did those with diagnosed BPDs react? How did they find out about the diagnosis? Does it make coming to terms with their behavior and any ensuing carnage 'easier'? 

In my experience I am glad that she told me - I mean she was full-blown and all that, a 1000 guys would have walked away, but I hung on... .I made the classic... .I wouldn't call it mistake but decision ... .to try and think I was good enough to handle and shoulder the behavior. I still didn't read fully into the disorder or come onto this board after she rebounded! There was loads of fights etc and it was obvious she had it.

But tbh I mean it was a BPD induced breakup - she rebounded after ten days after pretty much forcing a break up - and now I know she has the disorder I can definitely expect the possible twoing and froing/reengagement/BPD behaviors this board has helped me come to recognise!

I wonder how they react as well, knowing they're diagnosed for sure by a qualified person. Does that change their approach in anyway? Does that even make them feel the slightest guilty?

[Octoberfest]

I personally believe that I was in the most vulnerable position/place in my life that I could have been when I met my BPDex.  I had never dated anyone or had real feelings for anyone ever before. I had ALWAYS wanted someone to love/love me.  And along came this girl who was super into me and who I was also interested in.  Initially I was very cautious... .for the first month and a half or so, I was walking away every 4-5 days because I was just getting weirded out. I wasn't used to the attention.  A month in or so as we were walking on the sidewalk one day she told me she has BPD.  I was still very much in the "I'm not committed, this is expendable" stage, and I didn't ask questions.  I made the assumption that BPD stood for Bipolar Disorder. I hit you not, my EXACT thought process when she told me that (I remember the moment clear as day) was, "Well she is bipolar... .if it is an issue, I'll see it a mile away and run." It wasn't until 4 months into the relationship, once I was good and hooked, full blown in love for the very first time, and I found out she had slept with my close friend, made out with my best friend, and had been dating another guy in a different city for the past month in addition to dating me, that I did any research on BPD and found out what it was.  I almost wish I hadn't.  Because it triggered the rescuer complex in me.  I said, "Oh wow... .there is a reason she did all this... .It's the disorders fault, not hers. I can help her.  I understand, I can forgive her, I can save her now that I know what I am dealing with." 5 more months of cheating and lies, a trail of tears, a shattered heart, 3 months of therapy, more tears, and another 3 months of time past that, here I am.

A lot of people will look at me and say, "If she told you she had a diagnosed personality disorder, why did you stay? Especially when you were only a month in and it would be easy to cut and run?.  Bear in mind, I was 19 when this happened.  I am only 20 now. I had and have such little knowledge of the world, and I was with a girl who really liked me for the first time ever. I know that if I was able to travel back in time and find myself at the point that I was two or 3 months in and tell my younger self all of the things that my BPDex would end up doing, I would be laughed out of the room. I was hooked, and hooked good.

In many ways, having your ex diagnosed BPD is a blessing because it gives you some definitive answers about WHY they are acting the way they do.  On the other hand, and this is a realization that I am making TODAY, as I TYPE this, it also opens the door to rescuer types to really feel the call to duty and recommit themselves to a toxic, damning, broken relationship. 

[allweareisallweare]

Octoberfest, I relate to you a lot - I was only 20 when I begin my journey with her - she was 7 years older and had been through some serious BPD car crashes. TBH, I have to be open, it's silly being reticent ... .on the first night (of me actually having gone to her country, because that's what happened, I jumped on a plane) something came out in the melee of drinking (with her and friends of hers) that she had self-harmed previously. I shrugged this off - not that I was concerned - but I thought "Ah, well I can rescue her anyway so it doesn't matter" and all this time our star was ascending... .and yet, yet, I didn't know of this BPD, her behavior or whatnot... .of course, as everyone tries to make the best impressions. We lasted five and a half years - a major miracle since we were LDR as well - but towards the end it transpired - I still have to suspend my belief, my What the heck threshold hasn't really processed this - she claimed that she self-harmed because so and so didn't sleep with her. That's f***ed up, tbh, a major  that my 20 year old self even wouldn't have tolerated. TBH I'm a mature guy anyway in mind, it's not as if I'm naive or anything; I led with my heart anyway as I always tried to love her anyway through thick and thin - through BPD - and that's just it, maybe it's impossible... .