Normal 3 year old behaviour?

[cleotokos]

Hi, I am 99% sure my mother is uBPD, and about 70% sure/worried that my brother is uBPD. He has a little 3 year old girl (he's not in her life but I am) that I'm becoming concerned about. I don't have any children myself and haven't spent a whole lot of time with children, so I'm not sure what is normal and what is not at this age. Growing up with a uBPD mother, I'm extremely sensitive to people blaming others for things and not taking responsibility. It drives me mad. Lately, I've seen this behaviour a lot in my niece. She just turned 3 in September. She is an only child. I have her come stay the night about once a month, and sometimes she gets very hyper and stops listening, so she gets put in time out. Invariably, when afterward my boyfriend or I try and have a conversation with her about why she wound up in timeout, she tries to blame us ie. "uncle is mean". We do not let it slide - we keep talking until we hear something like "I didn't listen when auntie said stay away from the stove" or whatever. Lately I've seen her blaming other kids too - she wants the playground all to herself, says other kids are mean to her or did stuff to her. At a birthday party last night she came crying to us that kids hit her on the head - I didn't witness this, I just comforted her. She went back to playing and I then saw her running around the perimiter of the bouncy castle, shoving other kids that might be in her way. Gee whiz, why on earth would anyone want to hit her on the head? My boyfriend went to go talk to her about it and as he did, saw her pick up a shoe to hit another kid on the head with. Oh, he was furious! I was horrified! Maybe this is normal behaviour, I don't know. I've noticed her mom, grandma and grandpa (all live with her) kind of let things slide. Ie. she wouldn't put her coat on to go out and grandpa kind of sighed and seemed to give up. I was not about to let that fly - said you can't come to Auntie's if you don't put your coat on. She did it. It wasn't that hard.

My concern is, I felt like she thought not being able to shove and hit other kids on the playground was some denial of her rights. I've seen this behaviour so often in my mother - not being allowed to dominate others in some way seems to her to be an abuse of her. Is this behaviour due to lax parenting by mom/grandma/grandpa? Is it just normal 3 year old behaviour? Or is it reason to worry about BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Welcome to the parents board.  I'm happy you came here with your questions.  Like everyone else children need consistency and boundaries.  If she gets away with certain things then she will expect to get away with certain things.  It really does sound like normal 3 year old behavior.  Her parents do need to be careful and clear with their expectations.  I remember how frustrating it could be when I was trying to get my little ones to behave.  Just remember, she is little and is just now learning what is and isn't ok.

We have many tools on the right hand side that will get you started.  It's never too early to use validation and SET statements.

-crazed

[cleotokos]

Thank you crazed. I am hyper-sensitive to signs of BPD - perhaps too much so. I worry that if she has a genetic tendency towards BPD, she needs consistent parenting and guidance which I fear she is not getting. I don't know that the difference between right and wrong is being taught to her properly. I have little to no control - she's not with me all that much. I hope that I can show her right from wrong in the little time I do have with her. I don't know if it will be enough.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi cleotokos,

That's an interesting topic you bring up.

I read in the book Boundaries that children between the ages of 18 months to 3 years are going through a difficult phase called 'rapprochement'. It says that these toddlers are "obnoxious, oppositional, temperamental and downright angry. They can remind you of someone with a chronic toothache."

However it also says that this particular stage in their life is crucial for development of healthy boundaries and learning to accept others' boundaries. And that by the age of three they should have mastered:

"1. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart.

2. The ability to say appropriate no's to others without fear of loss of love.

3. The ability to take appropriate no's from others without withdrawing emotionally."

The book also says that as the child grows they re-visit this stage in adolescence and then once more in young-adulthood.

So, in some ways, I'd think that a lot of your niece's instincts/behaviors are appropriate for her age. At the same time, it seems from your description that she has not mastered some of these crucial lessons (that could be partly due to her innate temperament and partly due to permissive parenting style at home)... .

If I were in your situation, I would go with my gut... .BPD has a genetic component to it, so if something seems off to you, I'd rather err on the side of caution. Studying up on BPD and how to help your niece develop in healthy ways cannot hurt - it can only help. Plus, you will learn skills that will be of great value to you when you are raising your own children.

Children at risk for developing BPD often need a different parenting approach. Among others - they need us to help teach them how to feel and deal with their intense feelings appropriately; they need lots of validation, and positive reinforcement rather than 'punitive parenting' (that does not mean they cannot be disciplined - it's just a bit different approach. Taking privileges away from them often triggers defiance, so it needs to be posed as: "As long as you can do x, you will be allowed to do y." Rather than "If you don't do x, you will not be allowed to do y." Same thing really, but it makes a world of difference.)

Does this make sense?

[nomoreoptions]

While I agree with much that has been said by the above responders, this child is only three.  My three-year-old was a dream, my four-year-old was a nightmare of magnificent proportions.  It's never too early to try and understand what drives behavior, and realize that kids need guidance to learn socialization and self-regulation tools, but our little ones also need to feel loved and appreciated not despite their shortcomings, but including their shortcomings. 

I understand your concern, and being mindful and watchful is certainly a good idea, but this kid is three.  Provide all the positive supports you can, be a loving and willing participant in her life, but kids this age, while seemingly unsophisticated, can pick up on a lot of verbal and non-verbal cues.  Your fears about the behaviors can easily be picked up by a sensitive child (some wouldn't notice at all).  Enjoy the child, and let her know you enjoy her.  Try to spend time with her.  Keep your eyes open and reinforce positive behavior, but don't fret, yet.

[qcarolr]

Something that has really helped with my gd8 is taking a 'time-in' instead of 'time-out'.  Gd has always lived with us, we have had legal custody since she was 18 months and primary care since 8 months. She is very sensitive and very much effected by losses and many 'little traumas' in her young life. I imagine your niece could be in similar place.

She needs to feel safe. This is first and most important need for all kids. Some get this in a consistent environment and/or are less sensitive. Time-in for us looks like this:

Acting out behavior, move in close - hold her - tell her time-in to calm down. Gd often fights this at first, then relaxes into my arms. I sit on floor with her (she is 8 now and this still works -- she needs lots and lots of hands on love) and rock, gently stroke her hair, be quiet. When she gets calm, and I am able to stay calm (that is always first - my own emotional regulation) then we can talk about the behavior. This is the validation opportunity done in age appropriate way. Listen, Listen, Listen and ask simple questions. Get her side of the story without making assumptions. Listen for emotion that is beneath the actions. Ask questions about how the actions may have felt to other, how this would feel to her. Her young age limits this interaction. The developmental guides in the "boundaries" book are good.

The other thing that comes to mind is to remember how easily stimulated sensitive kids get. A noisy, "fun" situation may be asking for troubles. This really sets a child up to be dysregulated and less able to manage reactions. They need a loving adult to be close by, and to intervene before before aggressive actions happen. Remember that at age 3 there is absolutely NO INTENTION in her reactions. She is doing the best she can in that moment and relies on the adult to help her regulate. This is so counter-intuitive in our culture.

A couple of books that focus on the attachment-based parenting stratgies include "Creating Loving Attachments" by Kim Golding and Dan Hughes. The other is ":)aring to Love" by Heather Forbes. She focuses on the a Regulation focused paradigm rather than a behavior focused paradigm. Daring to Love is very easy to read and day-to-day parenting focused.

It is such an awesome gift you are giving your niece. Keep coming back - we are here to support you.

qcr