Going through Christmas and the holidays, how to survive?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Lay out your plans here for the upcoming holidays. Most people suffer here from severe detachment issues, depressed and lonely. Christmas is often a period you shared with your ex, and now you might be completely alone, in solitude on your own!

Christmas is often the times the worst of the worst depressed people might throw themselves in front of a train. Now, considering we might all have hit that really depressed moment, throwing one life away is a selfish act which we should never stimulate!

So, how do we get through the coming 2 months? As i can only imagine for some people it's really difficult

Me? I'll be spending it alone.

[HarmKrakow]

Lay out your plans here for the upcoming holidays. Most people suffer here from severe detachment issues, depressed and lonely. Christmas is often a period you shared with your ex, and now you might be completely alone, in solitude on your own!

Christmas is often the times the worst of the worst depressed people might throw themselves in front of a train. Now, considering we might all have hit that really depressed moment, throwing one life away is a selfish act which we should never stimulate!

So, how do we get through the coming 2 months? As i can only imagine for some people it's really difficult

Me? I'll be spending it alone.

[Turkish]

Lay out your plans here for the upcoming holidays. Most people suffer here from severe detachment issues, depressed and lonely. Christmas is often a period you shared with your ex, and now you might be completely alone, in solitude on your own!

Christmas is often the times the worst of the worst depressed people might throw themselves in front of a train. Now, considering we might all have hit that really depressed moment, throwing one life away is a selfish act which we should never stimulate!

So, how do we get through the coming 2 months? As i can only imagine for some people it's really difficult

Me? I'll be spending it alone.

I was never that sentimental about the holidays, never had a big family. I moved to another state some years ago, spending three years before moving back "home", and was alone entirely for over a year before I started making good friends. I'm used to it.

I do like Christmas, however. I just think about all of the ruined holidays by her (my birthday, a valentine's day, one Christmas when she was in suicide ideation mode and deep depression), and I vow to have these be the last ones ruined by her. I like her family, but don't want to spend Thanksgiving at their house (with our children's grandparents and uncles), as was the plan. I'll just spend it by myself, I think, just 3 miles away. Then I can take the kids for the weekend for Second Thanksgiving with my friends and family, a few hours out of town.

I think I'm at the acceptance phase of all of this, but she still living with me is extremely dysfunctional, like she can't detach completely. If she flips out, it will, of course, ruin Thanksgiving in a little over a week here in the US. But that's her problem. Sick of enabling and denying.

[draptemp]

The holidays are coming up, including my birthday in just 3 days. My dBPDso of 2.5 years has seemed worse this year than in past years. These boards and comments have helped me to understand so many things as the non BPD but at times it can seem overwhelming. The devaluation phase is in full swing accompanied by EXTINCTION BURST in the most vile of means to try and engage me in rewarding his bad behavior.

My mind tells me all the techniques and means by which to not become discouraged and to realize this is the illness and not my loved one hurling such venomous, vile devaluation, name calling, attacks on me. However, my heart is yet another story. He is deliberately withholding any acknowledgement and inclusion for my birthday and is doing it with such caustic, searing verbiage that I have difficulty separating the burst from anything real.

I want to be strong and not engage and separate myself with the desired result of him realizing his behavior is not getting the desired affect he thought it would but the "protector" part of me hears a baby endangered and I want to rescue him from the pain.

I become discouraged seeing him in such pain and attempting to sooth it in the only way he knows how. Any suggestions on how to separate the two?  I really don't want to think he will follow through with his vile threats regarding my birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.

[Turkish]

The holidays are coming up, including my birthday in just 3 days. My dBPDso of 2.5 years has seemed worse this year than in past years. These boards and comments have helped me to understand so many things as the non BPD but at times it can seem overwhelming. The devaluation phase is in full swing accompanied by EXTINCTION BURST in the most vile of means to try and engage me in rewarding his bad behavior.

My mind tells me all the techniques and means by which to not become discouraged and to realize this is the illness and not my loved one hurling such venomous, vile devaluation, name calling, attacks on me. However, my heart is yet another story. He is deliberately withholding any acknowledgement and inclusion for my birthday and is doing it with such caustic, searing verbiage that I have difficulty separating the burst from anything real.

I want to be strong and not engage and separate myself with the desired result of him realizing his behavior is not getting the desired affect he thought it would but the "protector" part of me hears a baby endangered and I want to rescue him from the pain.

I become discouraged seeing him in such pain and attempting to sooth it in the only way he knows how. Any suggestions on how to separate the two?  I really don't want to think he will follow through with his vile threats regarding my birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.

Hi draptemp. That is a really difficult situation you are facing, and it must be especially painful around the holidays. You may get some useful advice here, but have you thought about starting a new thread on the Staying Board since it sounds like you are standing by your partner through this? Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

People there might be able to offer good advice and support for what you are going through, with many probably being in similar situations.

[allweareisallweare]

As I mentioned, we got together on 22nd December 2007 so ... .Christmas will be very hard; I'm crawling under a rock and hiding, it's pointless putting on a facade when inside I'm dead.

[Ironmanrises]

I went through this after she discarded me in round 1 last year, which was right before the holiday's started. And it was hell. And now. After round 2, 4 months later, I am going through this, again. I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Years. A god awful ___ty mess I got myself into.

[strikeforce]

I first split up with my ex just before Christmas last year. She wanted to get back on Christmas day. Told me I was the best present ever

Dumped me just before my birthday then we got back a week later.

Anyway I have made a goal of having someone nice and stable this time next year 

[houseofswans]

Living alone, it will be quite hard to get through the holidays, but I've decided that on Christmas Day I shall be helping out at the Salvation Army feeding the homeless.

I have my own house, it's warm and there is food in the cupboards.

I am fortunate.

Seeing how some people have to live and survive will be humbling.

[gettingoverit]

Christmas of 2011 was the first Christmas in which I found myself alone. I became very proactive though. I live in another province than my family, so I went home for the holidays. I stayed for almost three weeks, and it was the best thing I ever did. I surrounded myself with family and old friends who cared for me and treated me with such kindness and understanding. It was exactly what I needed that Christmas. Hanging out with people who care for you and understand you is very soothing and healing. I'm sure everyone on this board has some best friend or friends or relatives that they can visit or spend time with. That Christmas was very hard, but by being proactive, I spared myself a whole lot of grief. That crazy b*tch was not going to ruin my holiday.

[Surnia]

Living alone, it will be quite hard to get through the holidays, but I've decided that on Christmas Day I shall be helping out at the Salvation Army feeding the homeless.

Great idea.

I felt many years shame that I spent most to the time xmas alone bc I cannot be more than some hours with my family, makes my crazy. No partner anymore. All friends with family.

Time for projects. Taking pictures, reading books, more swimming - things like that.

For me it is important not to jump to conclusions: Family = Lucky, alone = not lucky. Because I know it isn't always like this.

[GlennT]

I will be spending the holidays with a couple of relatives, and my borderline cat BB. We have been low-contact. No sleeping together, no petting, a few words. He accepts his meals graciously, mews sweetly, and stares up adoringly at me, but I know if I pet his head, he will get a crazed look on his face, jump up at me like a professional basket-ball player on the rebound, wrap his paws around my arm, yell, bite my hand, (not hard) and run away.

[maxen]

Living alone, it will be quite hard to get through the holidays, but I've decided that on Christmas Day I shall be helping out at the Salvation Army feeding the homeless.

what an excellent idea.

Seeing how some people have to live and survive will be humbling.

i volunteered in a homeless kitchen some years ago, and yes it was humbling. the recipients were so grateful. i felt as if i didn't deserve such thanks.

[draptemp]

thanks to all of you who have responded with sharing your stories of the holidays.  It has helped alot to read and agree with the majority.

I disengaged a few days ago and my SO is seeming to respond somewhat to the disengagement.  he has at least stopped hurling the venom at me for a couple days.  He also sent me a text saying that his family wanted me to send thanksgiving with them.  I am skeptical and cautious.

we spoke on the phone breifly today and it was strained and distant but at least civil, with the exception of on "jab" which i attempted to validate him.  I am taking the disengagement a little longer until i see some additional movement on his part toward civility. 

thanks again everyone for your imput... it is vital to survival with a dBPDso.

[Rose Tiger]

I will be spending the holidays with a couple of relatives, and my borderline cat BB. We have been low-contact. No sleeping together, no petting, a few words. He accepts his meals graciously, mews sweetly, and stares up adoringly at me, but I know if I pet his head, he will get a crazed look on his face, jump up at me like a professional basket-ball player on the rebound, wrap his paws around my arm, yell, bite my hand, (not hard) and run away.

I'll be putting twine around the tree and tacking it to the wall because my kitty likes to climb to the top and knock it over. 

[Rose Tiger]

I have a big puzzle I do every Christmas, my inner child loves puzzles.  Last year I also drove to the richest part of town to look at Christmas lights.  It was beautiful, it started snowing and some of those decorations were spectacular. 

[BackinBlack]

I'm not sure it'll be all that hard this year.  He always seemed to pick a fight before every.single.holiday and managed to ruin them every.single. year.

His family lives several hours away and he never took me home to meet them.  He invited me in the early honeymoon phase, but I felt it was too soon.  Plus, I have a daughter and I have to consider her first (in meeting him/them).

Honestly, I was in a lot of pain for three years because he wouldn't invite me.  It seemed like he never wanted to commit to me and that was painful.  At least I won't have to hurt this year from an invite that I'll never get.

[anystar]

Living alone, it will be quite hard to get through the holidays, but I've decided that on Christmas Day I shall be helping out at the Salvation Army feeding the homeless.

I have my own house, it's warm and there is food in the cupboards.

I am fortunate.

Seeing how some people have to live and survive will be humbling.

this is a lovely thought. you have great perspective!