My expwBPDbf has a new girlfiriend. It hasn't even been 3months yet...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel like I can't breathe. How is this possible for him to move on so soon? With a girl he knew in high school? Maybe I'm being over dramatic but I feel so heartbroken. My thoughts are flooded with images of him doing things with her and laughing with her. While I'm alone and crying over my boyfriend of 8 years who doesn't even remember I exist. I feel like I just want to give up and die.

[Supernova9star]

I feel like I can't breathe. How is this possible for him to move on so soon? With a girl he knew in high school? Maybe I'm being over dramatic but I feel so heartbroken. My thoughts are flooded with images of him doing things with her and laughing with her. While I'm alone and crying over my boyfriend of 8 years who doesn't even remember I exist. I feel like I just want to give up and die.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh he didn't forget you.  Two ways to avoid feeling things are to project them on someone else or repress them.

If yours was anything like mine, the raging and the hating towards the end were mostly emotions she was having about herself that were too strong, too much shame, plus the stresses of a relationship that wasn't working, so she projected all of that on me and I was the scapegoat and the scumbag.  And she successfully avoided looking at herself once again.  I wasn't perfect by a long stretch mind you, but I did have a better grasp of reality no question, and was mostly bewildered by the irrationality.

And the other way is to repress the emotions.  A handy way to do that is jump into a new relationship, which would be way too early for someone to healthfully process the pain and the grief of the last relationship and heal and grow before jumping into a new one, like we're doing, but if the goal is repression, that'll work.  But be assured during the quiet times when he's alone, memories of you and the accompanying emotions will bubble up, and the new one will get a fit of rage that came out of nowhere as far as they were concerned, but it's about you.

And I don't know if it's happened yet, but standard behavior would be for him to contact you at some point, probably as if nothing ever happened because that's the facade; you don't do 8 years with someone and it just goes away, it just doesn't

I'm sorry you're going through that; we've all been there.  The answer is to take care of you, stay here, and talk a lot.  And rest assured, whatever happened with you guys is sure to repeat, and any happiness he's feeling is fleeting and only the result of a temporary distraction.  Take care of you.

[Ironmanrises]

I agree with everything Fromheel wrote. Completely spot on. Hang in there Supernova. 

[Supernova9star]

Thanks guys... .it's nice to have you with me. I'm just so incredibly sad and so effing pissed at the same time. I keep blaming myself and thinking he was right about everything and that I pushed him away. But logically I don't agree with that. This is so hard and I just want it to be over.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks guys... .it's nice to have you with me. I'm just so incredibly sad and so effing pissed at the same time. I keep blaming myself and thinking he was right about everything and that I pushed him away. But logically I don't agree with that. This is so hard and I just want it to be over.

Remember a borderline has the uncanny ability to erode our self confidence and self esteem, an offshoot of the disorder that includes the push/pull in their psyche and the nature of the attachment; the two of you were one person with no boundary in their subconscious, so the psychic battle they wage full time slops over into us.

That will take a while to unravel, along with a lot of strong emotions both ways, but keep relying on your logic and what you know to be real, it will come in handy.  Take care of you.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Supernova. The way you describe thinking about what they are doing, laughing... .All the things you used to do with him. Disbelief that they are really gone when you were the one that was so special to them. Feeling like you want to die. Everything you describe sounds like me to a t. Especially after my first discard. I had never felt that much pain and grief in my life and I have had s#%t happen to me. I've had cancer twice and it doesn't hold a candle to this.

Please hang tight. I am 4 months put of second discard and am starting to feel better. It will get better just keep working on healing. It sucks but it just takes time. Please promise yourself if he does come back you won't relapse. I did. I was finally feeling better after 10 months and he came back. I was in heaven for a while and then I was dropped back into hell. You just can't believe that they could say all those things, promise to never do that again and then they do. It's a blue print. They can't help it. I see mine as almost like a robot who is programmed. It's astounding. All I did was prolong my pain and healing and lost time that I could have been looking for a healthy relationship.

I feel your pain. It will get better though. I promise.

[goldylamont]

I keep blaming myself and thinking he was right about everything and that I pushed him away. But logically I don't agree with that.

supernova, don't believe this stuff that you pushed him away. my ex would say the same crap whenever i did or said anything righteous, that this was "pushing her away". this is nasty, controlling behavior in my opinion. so sorry to hear you are going through this. many/most of us have dealt with them moving on way too fast. in my ex of 4 years still lived with me and started seeing another guy in less than 4 weeks, then blasted it on facebook and would come home every day for a month to gloat and tell me how much better a person he was than me. it was terrible, but you will survive.

don't believe the lies he's telling you. you, beautiful you didn't push him away... .he's acting cowardly. what's craziest is that many pwBPD try to parade around as if they are so passionate and have so much emotion when in reality they have no empathy unless something serves their immediate purpose. don't believe his hype, ok?

[houseofswans]

How is this possible for him to move on so soon?

You may or may not be familiar with my posts regarding my ex.

Granted, she hooked up with someone whilst we had been on a 1 month 'break', but after 3 months with him, she said she'd been abandoned and met someone new the very next day - and he's married!

It beggars belief, doesn't it?

[alliance]

The responses here have yield some good advice.

For what it is worth, one of our breakups was over the reappearance of her ex, who suddenly wanted to "chat" with her. It took her 4 days to get reinvolved with them.

I don't pretend to understand all the ins and out of BPD. I just know they process things differently. They attach and detach in ways that are foreign to me. They recycle regularly it seems - we are filler while they explore other options.

Very crappy disorder.

[bpdspell]

I feel like I can't breathe. How is this possible for him to move on so soon? With a girl he knew in high school? Maybe I'm being over dramatic but I feel so heartbroken. My thoughts are flooded with images of him doing things with her and laughing with her. While I'm alone and crying over my boyfriend of 8 years who doesn't even remember I exist. I feel like I just want to give up and die.

I can totally relate to your feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Three months out of my breakup I posted on here not wanting to live to see another day because the pain of feeling destroyed hurt so much. My ex went back to an old ex of his; an ex that he talked so much trash about. I was floored and devastated.

There is good advice on here. You have to remember that BPD is a serious mental illness and that the way they behave has nothing to do with you or your worth. Yes there will be feelings of envy and jealous on our part because we miss idealization but in time you will evolve to depersonalizing your ex's behavior. The new girlfriend will come to know this sick person in due time.

What helps is remember who your ex truly was throughout your entire partnership. They are not good husbands, boyfriends, or quality friends. They are character disordered, emotionally stunted and once the mask drops they seem to be dedicated to making others feel the personal hell that lives inside of them. What's sad about this entire scenario is that they are badly damaged and doomed to repeat the controlling script of BPD.

It's helps to understand that we did not cause they to treat us poorly. We did not cause they're mental illness, their sickness or their BPD. The groundwork and the narrative of who they are had already been laid way before we came into the picture.

I know you're in pain; but consider your ex moving on a tremendous blessing on your soul. This is your chance to love yourself to wholeness again and heal coming out stronger and better than you ever were before.

Keep posting on here. You aren't alone.

Spell

[Oliolioxenfree]

Bpd spell and the other posters are right.  It's not about you or your worth.  It's about their own disordered choices.

Sadly finding an immediate replacement and discarding out of the blue seems to be par for the course.  It's very hurtful and darn if you dont want their relationship to fail miserably.  As hard as it may seem,  try to put the focus back on you right now.

As sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west every day,  she'll soon experience what you have.  It's not a matter of if it's a matter of when. 

Let him go and erode his relationship which he eventually will.  That you can be sure of.  Don't be fooled by the facade of normalcy and happiness they soo love to portray and throw in your face.  It's an illusion. 

[Jbt857]

Thanks guys... .it's nice to have you with me. I'm just so incredibly sad and so effing pissed at the same time. I keep blaming myself and thinking he was right about everything and that I pushed him away. But logically I don't agree with that. This is so hard and I just want it to be over.

Supernova,

So many of us have been replaced and felt the same shock and pain at the ease by which we were replaced.

And many of us have been accused of pushing our partners away. Yet, from what I read, the majority of people here are rational, empathetic, caring and considerate people who have fought incredibly hard to save their relationships and understand their partners. Qualities that are hardly synonymous with 'pushing away'.

I still need the validation of reading threads like this to remind myself that this is part if their disorder and that the happy front is just a facade. It hurts.

You're not alone. 

[Supernova9star]

Thank you all for your warm words of compassion. I have been lower than I think I have ever been these last few days. So the next part of the new girlfriend is something I couldn't bear to write and I can hardly bear it now but it's literally burning me inside. She has a son. I know that doesn't sound so bad but... .

My ex and I were going to be parents in 2008. 1 week from my due date our little Gavin was wrapped up in the umbilical cord. I didn't discover there was a problem until it was too late. I guess the BPD caused my ex to totally detach from the situation. He was sad at first but 2 weeks after it was over he stopped grieving and said he had put it behind him and was over it. I was alone in my grief and I think it was something that continued to work on me for years. And the more abusive and belittling he became (while telling me it was my fault that he was lashing out and I didn't treat him right) the less of a human I became. I have been walking around the last 5 years as a shadow of my former self.

He told me he didn't want anymore children. My daughter from a previous relationship was all he wanted. He was very adamant about it and I didn't even bother discussing it. There were times I really wanted to have another baby but I was too scared to say anything and the times I did say something he would tease me about my clock ticking and tell me I was trying to fill a void.

So now to see his new girlfriend has a son and just so happens to be the SAME age as our son would be... .well I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already has. I looked at her Facebook page. I saw all the things they have in common which were things he and I didn't have in common. Not to mention they are the same age and went to high school together. I mean I really feel like he found the perfect ideal replacement for me. A girl who has all the interests and qualities that I didn't have and a son who isn't dead. She also has a big family and is catholic (which he is but not a practicing one and I am not).

I am starting to think that it really was me that was the problem and she is the perfect solution and I was the reason that he left and he doesn't have BPD and it's just me and I'm crazy.

[jjk0614]

I am so so so sorry that you are going through this Supernova. It has been a long time since I have posted here, but I felt compelled. First of all, you are NOT crazy, not by a long shot. You spent 8 years loving him, I would consider you to be crazy if that had no effect on you when the 8 year relationship ended. My ex fiance w/BPD left about 19 months ago. I used to think that it was very unfortunate that she never reached out, but I know better now. I used to read how it was a very common trait for the BPD to come back and attempt to re-engage. She never did, and I am very thankful for that now. When she left, she changed everything, her email, phone number, got rid of facebook, all in the name of making it impossible for me to contact her. I hated it. I wanted her back. We lived together for 3 years and I love her kids (still do) as if they are my very own. They were my family, and the pain of her cheating and walking out was unbearable. I almost died, literally. HOWEVER, hindsight truly is 20/20... .and don't get me wrong, I am in now way, all better. But I have rounded the corner on a lot of the initial pain. Of course with the Holidays coming, I am spending time thinking of her again, and the kids, and just wondering "what if?". Here is the deal, and I learned all of this from this board. The "what if" is easily answered. If she ever came back, it would be the same thing all over again. Know the song "All the Same" by Sick Puppies?, if not, listen to it, it's amazing. Also, "Stronger than I was" by Eminem. Music has always been therapy for me. And these two songs are amazing. So Nova, please do not think you are crazy... .you are hurting... .and you are allowed to hurt. So cry, sob, weep, hurt, and most importantly take the time to do things for you and HEAL. I know that you most likely cannot even phathom healing at the moment, just as I couldn't when she first walked out, but I am healing, slowly, but steadily. And you will heal also, I promise you that. I would suggest however to make the "No Contact" truly mean no contact. Block him and her from facebook... .facebook will only hurt you, cause you to analyze every single image. I am very grateful that when she left me, she blocked me from every avenue of contacting her, and Lord knows I tried, even went to her moms house (which is where she went when she left) dozens of times in the first 6 months, only to have the door never be answered. So eventually I stopped trying. You will stop trying also, I promise. Block him and her from facebook, block his number from your phone, keep no contact, and stay here. We have all felt the pain you are in right now, and we all know how awful it is. So stay here and talk. you have more friends than you realize here.

[Jbt857]

Supernova,

So sorry to hear of the loss of your child. That must be devastating to endure.

Of course the child issue is going to hurt.

For a number of reasons, my BPDexh and I didn't have children. i don't have any from any previous relationship. My time for having children has passed, but my ex is younger than me and I am certain that he will go on to have them. That being so, and knowing that I gave up the opportunity for a family to be with him, when I could have been with someone and had that family with them is probably my greatest regret.

I know yesterday when my ex made contact and he made this comment about me 'moving on' I also questioned whether it was him or me with the problem. I think we all have questioned our sanity at some point. But then look at the ability to empathise, the ability to feel remorse and sorrow and regret - you are able to do all those things, right? He can't.

Hugs. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I am starting to think that it really was me that was the problem and she is the perfect solution and I was the reason that he left and he doesn't have BPD and it's just me and I'm crazy.

Don't go there Super.  Our mind is very creative and can come up with all kinds of disempowering crap.  Stop it right now.

Whew!  Now that we're done with that, what if an old high school chum is just convenient and easy for him, her kid is just a coincidence, a product of another failed liaison, he exhibits extreme BPD traits including repressing painful stuff, which now bubbles up as rage to the new one and her kid.  You're better off where you are.

Please list the BPD traits you see in him, and then list the positive traits in you, followed by the areas that could still use some work.

We'll look forward to reading them, meanwhile take care of you!

[goldylamont]

Supernova9star what you have endured is very deep, and you deserve to grieve. It's hard for me to say anything other than that recovery is slow, and hard, and sometimes goes in reverse... .but you will slowly put the beautiful person you truly are back together over time. i think initially in my grief, grief was all that i could see. and then over the course of several months, there would be really short periods of time that i would feel better... .even *good*. initially these good moments were very short--only several seconds long. then days would go by and i'd get a few more seconds. then this grew to minutes, hours... .days. and at this point i feel good most of the time and the challenging part is realizing that even though i feel good that i'm still recovering. still have to catch myself ruminating, which is harder since the effects are much less obvious (thank god).

i was in a 4 year r/s, no children but lived together. in January it will be 2 years since the breakup, about a fully year no contact. so 2 years and i'm still here   I'm hoping sharing some of these things will help you to see that it takes time. i definitely am in a better place than i was last year. one pep talk i would tell myself is that these wounds would take *years* to heal, and you know what, i'm ready for it. i want life. i want love. i want forgiveness and happiness. and the more time passes the more this reality is coming to pass. i know this will come to pass with you too.

remember that grief and sadness are ways that your body forces you to slow down--why? so that you can let go. when you are stopped in your tracks and can't move because of grief. ask yourself "what do i need to let go of?" this helped me so much. do this 1000 times  and remember that your anger is necessary and is there to protect you. when you get angry and realize that you are raging, ask yourself "what needs to be protected?" and "what boundaries of mine were broken?" this will help you allow your anger to do it's job, to step in and set that solid boundary and protect the beautiful parts of yourself that were hurt.

one more thing and i hope it's not too much. i sometimes will do something, i believe the name is Tonglen? but i probably have the name wrong (sorry). Tonglen (spelling?) is about recognizing that literally millions of others are sharing the same grief that you have, so you connect your grief with this very real grief on your in-breath, and when you breath out, you breath out compassion, love and strength--for everyone sharing your grief right at this moment; for yourself.

tell you the truth i've done all kinds of things and they've helped in some way. i hope that just giving you a digital hug could give you just a pinpoint of hope. if you are interested in any of the stuff i mentioned in my long ass post i'd be happy to give you references. no matter what, take care of yourself. know that you have what it takes to slowly rise and become stronger than ever, give it time. 

[Bananas]

superstar (that's what you are)  ,

there have been so mnay good insights here.  i just wanted to say i know how you feel.  my ex was married three months after we "broke up".  (in quotes because there was never a conversation, just something I figured out via third party.) 

it is not you and you are not crazy.  but if you were like me three months after the breakup you may be a shell of your former self.  once you start getting yourself back and you will! (it just takes time) you will know this.  believe me i have been there and things are coming back around for me. 

i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child.  having been through that you are a very strong person already.  my heart goes out to you.