I'm sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
I did start to think about the idea of having friends and a partner as my family instead of my crazy dysfunctional abusive family.
That sounds like a wonderful idea. I've started doing the same. I have a good friend who calls himself a brother.
Obviously it wouldn't be as good as a real family but I don't really have one of those
I can completely sympathize with wanting parents or siblings that care about you and want to spend time with you, and a relationship with a friend is not quite the same.
Even if I have good friends they can't truely love and care for me like a family can right?
Why can't they? I infer from your statement that you have some ideal of what you think family should be. I know I always had this dream of a large family that got together for picnics and reunions, laughing and having a good time together. But talking with friends who have big close families, it's not all perfect either. They argue too, their mom interferes with their love life, etc. Friends can still care about you and love you, offer advice, bring you food when you're feeling sick, and spend time with you. The way I look at it, I don't want my friends to treat me like family, because in my world, family is demeaning, spiteful, and angry.
he problem is even though my family are terribly dysfunctional I'm afraid to be completely alone.
Are you really alone? You already told us:
I have a handful of friends I spend a lot of time with, one of whom is my roomate.
I understand it's hard to make real connections with people when you've been raised by a BPD mother. I have a hard time trusting. But you just have to keep working at it, reminding yourself they way your family functions is not the way most of the world functions.
makes me worried about becoming just this singluar entity floating around in the world with no purpose... .
Do you feel your family keeps you grounded?
What do you think gives you purpose?
