I get a call from his new girlfriend/fiancé

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey Guys!


Its been a while since I last posted, but I had another run in with my ex.  

He never really went away.  He emailed me over and over again without response. I always read the messages though.  They would  go  from I love you, to  I hope you  die.

he  finally reached out and said that  he needed me. That a very close friend of his was dying, and  he wasn't really  sure how to cope.

So I reached  out to him. And i coached him through being supportive.

I still love him... .so I  did what anyone  with a heart would do.


After his friend recovered ( yay!)  We continued to  speak regularly over the phone. We live over 900 miles away from each other, but man, i was  beginning  to enjoy his  conversation.  More and more the  conversation  was turning into  I love yous, we can  go to counseling together, give me  one more chance.

No lies, I was eating  it up, and  couldn't  wait for the opportunity to fly to where he is... .


Then, at 2 in the morning, I get a call from his new girlfriend/fiance. She  talked for 15 minutes straight, explaining That she  had seen the pictures and videos he kept of me and my son. She also  says that he  speaks  very  fondly of me and  tells  her everyday how much she reminds him of me.how she knew all about me. She also wanted me to know the significance of their relationship and how their relationship was more serious than the  one he shared with me.

She also kept saying that he wouldn't stop cheating on her, and  she couldn't understand  why, when she was such a good woman.  She told me that  he  has  had at least 2 other women pregnant since they have been together over the last 6 months.

She basically said "please go away, i love him and I need you to respect that.

She talked until he came  looking for her. And we he came,  he took the phone from her and hung it up.


He called me the next day to ask me if we could still just be friends.


Needless to say, my mouth is hanging open.  i had no idea he was seeing anyone, he left that detail out.


I also had no idea that   he could still affect me this  way. I couldn't sleep  for like 2  days afterward, and  my appetite  was gone  for  a few days... .

I can't... .smh.

I have no idea why  he needed to interrupt my life this way.  Or why I even let him.


Any ways, I hope all is well for each of you!


Goodnight  

[smartwoman220]

Hey Guys!


Its been a while since I last posted, but I had another run in with my ex.  

He never really went away.  He emailed me over and over again without response. I always read the messages though.  They would  go  from I love you, to  I hope you  die.

he  finally reached out and said that  he needed me. That a very close friend of his was dying, and  he wasn't really  sure how to cope.

So I reached  out to him. And i coached him through being supportive.

I still love him... .so I  did what anyone  with a heart would do.


After his friend recovered ( yay!)  We continued to  speak regularly over the phone. We live over 900 miles away from each other, but man, i was  beginning  to enjoy his  conversation.  More and more the  conversation  was turning into  I love yous, we can  go to counseling together, give me  one more chance.

No lies, I was eating  it up, and  couldn't  wait for the opportunity to fly to where he is... .


Then, at 2 in the morning, I get a call from his new girlfriend/fiance. She  talked for 15 minutes straight, explaining That she  had seen the pictures and videos he kept of me and my son. She also  says that he  speaks  very  fondly of me and  tells  her everyday how much she reminds him of me.how she knew all about me. She also wanted me to know the significance of their relationship and how their relationship was more serious than the  one he shared with me.

She also kept saying that he wouldn't stop cheating on her, and  she couldn't understand  why, when she was such a good woman.  She told me that  he  has  had at least 2 other women pregnant since they have been together over the last 6 months.

She basically said "please go away, i love him and I need you to respect that.

She talked until he came  looking for her. And we he came,  he took the phone from her and hung it up.


He called me the next day to ask me if we could still just be friends.


Needless to say, my mouth is hanging open.  i had no idea he was seeing anyone, he left that detail out.


I also had no idea that   he could still affect me this  way. I couldn't sleep  for like 2  days afterward, and  my appetite  was gone  for  a few days... .

I can't... .smh.

I have no idea why  he needed to interrupt my life this way.  Or why I even let him.


Any ways, I hope all is well for each of you!


Goodnight  

[Clearmind]

At what point SM did you feel you didn't want to hear what she had to say. This is boundary busting at its finest.

We need to make a choice for ourselves - do we persist with someone who has shown us little or no respect or do you protect yourself, trust that you deserve better and move on and leave him/her behind.

Why are you persisting?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry, that sounds like lotsa drama.  You mention PTSD and alcohol abuse, and I don't see any BPD traits, but I haven't read all your posts.  Doesn't really matter though, human is human.

So the dude likes to party and he likes the ladies.  Not sure, is your kid his?  In any case, he clearly hasn't been forthright with you, and as Clearmind asked, why do you persist?

[patientandclear]

I'm not getting that SM is planning to persist.  I would certainly also have heard out the woman who called.  Information is helpful under those circumstances, it seems to me.

What a story!  And what a good caution about believing just words, when we have reason to doubt the ability of the person to carry them through -- no matter how lovely, no matter how much they are exactly what we think we would like to hear.

[goldylamont]

I couldn't sleep  for like 2  days afterward, and  my appetite  was gone  for  a few days... .

Same thing happens when you ingest poison. He's putting his emotional poison into you, his "fiance" and all the other women he's with. I don't think it's a mystery why you "persisted", you started to think he was a decent person, when he's just a lying, uncaring narcissist. You got sick because your body is trying to remind your brain that you already know this. All of us have to start accepting that these people are just as bad as they seem, it's hard because you don't want it to be true. At least now you've gotten some good corroborating info from his "fiance" to help you out--I agree with patientandclear that hearing what you did from his current fiance was a good thing to open your eyes to who he is and what he's capable of. personally i can't judge you at all; i know i feel strong in NC but the way he got back into your life with the old crybaby story about his friend and all the lies (so disrespectful) about his current fiance... .aah, classic.

I wonder what the percentage of pwBPD that actually go therapy and stop lying are compared to those that simply claim they want this (while seeing multiple people at that)? Would love to see that pie chart.

[Clearmind]

When we continue on a course of action despite the challenges, difficulties and opposition we are in fact persisting - despite the signs. I totally ignored all the challenges and persisted with a man who showed me no respect or understanding. It was a one way relationship and I got zilch.

smartwoman220, you mention you have continued contact, which is fine by the way, at the same time you have been faced with opposition - the I Love You's and followed by I hope you die are in complete opposition with each other - these are challenges. They are mixed messages - if you persist with this relationship its possible you need to accept that this is how it will be. Are you willing to accept that status quo?

Yet, I do see from your writing that this has shocked you. And given you are on the leaving board it's good to find healthy ways to detach if this is not what you want. Does contact help you detach or does it prolong it? Choice is always yours.

[Jbt857]

Wow, that is truly shocking, Smartwoman.

How little we really know them.

You have to wonder what kind of woman the fiancée is, to have been cheated on twice (to pregnancy) in six months and be under threat from you, and still wanting to forge a relationship with him. She must have pretty low self esteem.

What do you plan to do with the information you have? Is now the time to end contact for you?

I wish you well. Processing all that must be one hell of a shock.

[EdR]

Hey Guys!


Its been a while since I last posted, but I had another run in with my ex. 

He never really went away.  He emailed me over and over again without response. I always read the messages though.  They would  go  from I love you, to  I hope you  die.

he  finally reached out and said that  he needed me. That a very close friend of his was dying, and  he wasn't really  sure how to cope.

So I reached  out to him. And i coached him through being supportive.

I still love him... .so I  did what anyone  with a heart would do.


After his friend recovered ( yay!)  We continued to  speak regularly over the phone. We live over 900 miles away from each other, but man, i was  beginning  to enjoy his  conversation.  More and more the  conversation  was turning into  I love yous, we can  go to counseling together, give me  one more chance.

No lies, I was eating  it up, and  couldn't  wait for the opportunity to fly to where he is... .


Then, at 2 in the morning, I get a call from his new girlfriend/fiance. She  talked for 15 minutes straight, explaining That she  had seen the pictures and videos he kept of me and my son. She also  says that he  speaks  very  fondly of me and  tells  her everyday how much she reminds him of me.how she knew all about me. She also wanted me to know the significance of their relationship and how their relationship was more serious than the  one he shared with me.

She also kept saying that he wouldn't stop cheating on her, and  she couldn't understand  why, when she was such a good woman.  She told me that  he  has  had at least 2 other women pregnant since they have been together over the last 6 months.

She basically said "please go away, i love him and I need you to respect that.

She talked until he came  looking for her. And we he came,  he took the phone from her and hung it up.


He called me the next day to ask me if we could still just be friends.


Needless to say, my mouth is hanging open.  i had no idea he was seeing anyone, he left that detail out.


I also had no idea that   he could still affect me this  way. I couldn't sleep  for like 2  days afterward, and  my appetite  was gone  for  a few days... .

I can't... .smh.

I have no idea why  he needed to interrupt my life this way.  Or why I even let him.


Any ways, I hope all is well for each of you!


Goodnight 

Hi there! I don't really understand the first part of your post. Was the sudden change from "I love you" to "I hope you die" based on nothing, or was it triggered by the lack of response he got? Not that it would make it okay, but it makes quite a difference to me.

Also: "he finally reached out and said that  he needed me."

Reading your post, I don't think that is entirely true. Everytime he mailed you (and you didn't respond), he basically said the same thing already. He WAS reaching out.

And then... .you re-establishing contact and even calling eachother regularly seems... .confusing.

I really can't judge if he is showing BPD behaviour here. He might as well be hurting or have another -psychological- reason to do the stuff he does.

Only thing I can say though: you should not want to be with someone who is systematically cheating on his gf/wife/partner. 

[babyducks]

Hi SmartWoman,

I am so sorry for the way things turned out for you and your pwBPD.  That had to be very hard.

No 2AM phone call ever contains good news in my experience. 

I still love him... .so I  did what anyone  with a heart would do.

I get it.  I really do.   When we met these people I believe we did fall in love, and give our all.

We gave our all to a person who can't accept it, didn't appreciate it and can't reciprocate.   Unbelievably freaking tragic.

No lies, I was eating  it up, and  couldn't  wait for the opportunity to fly to where he is... .

Its very possible that I have you confused with some one else but didn't your relationship with him end in some incident of domestic violence?

I guess  I am wondering if you continue to have contact with him are you putting yourself at physical risk?

Yeah 900 miles apart is a great buffer but the headlines are full of odder stories.

If you believe all the details of the phone call he has a New Girlfriend and apparently two women who are carrying his children.   

Even with the wildest imagination, is there anyway you can picture this working out well for you?

I have no idea why  he needed to interrupt my life this way.  Or why I even let him.

Well he interrupts you life because he gets something from it. 

I can't tell you why you let him interrupt your life.   I can tell you why I let mine interrupt my life.

• because I have never in my life been loved or idealized the way my EX loved me when she was on the upswing in her moods



• her incredibly adoring and ardent emotions filled a hole in me I didn't even know existed



• the way I am wired I have almost no defense mechanisms against the lure of the good feelings we can create for short periods of time



• the way I am wired it feels completely normal to me that someone who says they love me also treats me like sh!t



• I can justify the most egregious behavior for those 20 minutes of "getting a fix" almost like a addict with a drug



• I continue to fall into the trap of thinking my EX's disorder isn't that bad, isn't always in evidence, might get better

Anyhow that is my list.   We, my pwBPD and myself can create times of caring and closeness,  we just can't sustain it.  Eventually she will rocket to the other extreme, and I will react like a child who has lost her blankie.

That constant roller coaster ride only hurts both of us.

Be Well.   Remember to Be Safe.

ducks

[Learning_curve74]

Hi smartwoman, I read what you wrote about him, her phone call, and can fill in the blanks about how you feel. I don't have any wise words to add, only a heartfelt hug for you. 

[connect]

Just have to say to Babyducks:

We, my pwBPD and myself can create times of caring and closeness,  we just can't sustain it.  Eventually she will rocket to the other extreme, and I will react like a child who has lost her blankie.

This made me laugh and is pretty similar to my experience!

[laelle]

I get it.  I really do.   When we met these people I believe we did fall in love, and give our all.

We gave our all to a person who can't accept it, didn't appreciate it and can't reciprocate.   Unbelievably freaking tragic.

I feel the way babyducks does about it... . The how and why's dont really matter do they?  He has shown himself (yet again) the kind of person that he is.

Can you live with that? He used you as a secret emotional supply to fulfill his needs, while offering you a pack of lies in return.  Is that LOVE?

It is common for someone with BPD to keep one waiting in the wings.  This guy has 3.

How fair is that to you?  :)o you think you deserve better than that?  Put your hands up in the air and walk away.  Fear, Obligation and Guilt will keep you hooked.  You owe this man nothing but a swift kick in the ass!

Karma will get him in the end, if not the child support will.  You do not want to be a part of his drama.  It is ALL about him!  

Pick yourself up off the floor, dust your behind, and wipe him from the bottom of your shoes.  He isnt worth YOU.

Go spoil yourself a bit.  You have been through alot, and deserve some nurturing.  You are worthy of your love, he is not.

 Laelle

[Octoberfest]

Wow, that is truly shocking, Smartwoman.

How little we really know them.

You have to wonder what kind of woman the fiancée is, to have been cheated on twice (to pregnancy) in six months and be under threat from you, and still wanting to forge a relationship with him. She must have pretty low self esteem.



What do you plan to do with the information you have? Is now the time to end contact for you?

I wish you well. Processing all that must be one hell of a shock.

Personally, if you are going to make a comment like this it is only fair to extend it further to "You have to wonder what kind of person we as Non's are.  We must have pretty low self esteem".  Not a sure fit for every situation here on this board, but a better one than you might think. Many, many, many people on this board, myself included, have stayed or recycled with their BPDex's (or BPD SO's in the cases of those who still are) through lots and lots of cheating and lying.  The reasons vary- some have families that they desperately do not want to have splinter, others fall heavily into the rescuer role (me), still others hang on through the abuse for reasons that they cannot articulate beyond, "I love him/her so much". 

My point here is that putting our replacements down for things that we ourselves have done isn't necessarily fair or helpful to anyone.  A better question for me might be, "What is it about me that made me so vulnerable to what my BPDex had to offer"

[Jbt857]

Wow, that is truly shocking, Smartwoman.

How little we really know them.

You have to wonder what kind of woman the fiancée is, to have been cheated on twice (to pregnancy) in six months and be under threat from you, and still wanting to forge a relationship with him. She must have pretty low self esteem.



What do you plan to do with the information you have? Is now the time to end contact for you?

I wish you well. Processing all that must be one hell of a shock.

Personally, if you are going to make a comment like this it is only fair to extend it further to "You have to wonder what kind of person we as Non's are.  We must have pretty low self esteem".  Not a sure fit for every situation here on this board, but a better one than you might think. Many, many, many people on this board, myself included, have stayed or recycled with their BPDex's (or BPD SO's in the cases of those who still are) through lots and lots of cheating and lying.  The reasons vary- some have families that they desperately do not want to have splinter, others fall heavily into the rescuer role (me), still others hang on through the abuse for reasons that they cannot articulate beyond, "I love him/her so much". 

My point here is that putting our replacements down for things that we ourselves have done isn't necessarily fair or helpful to anyone.  A better question for me might be, "What is it about me that made me so vulnerable to what my BPDex had to offer"

Gosh, I think you misinterpreted what I meant - my bad wording.

It was more 'to be tolerating and having all that going on that after just six months and still be trying to salvage something must mean she cannot feel good about herself'

Which of course makes her a perfect target for the person with BPD.

Sorry if I caused any offence. Really wasn't my intent.

[Octoberfest]

Wow, that is truly shocking, Smartwoman.

How little we really know them.

You have to wonder what kind of woman the fiancée is, to have been cheated on twice (to pregnancy) in six months and be under threat from you, and still wanting to forge a relationship with him. She must have pretty low self esteem.



What do you plan to do with the information you have? Is now the time to end contact for you?

I wish you well. Processing all that must be one hell of a shock.

Personally, if you are going to make a comment like this it is only fair to extend it further to "You have to wonder what kind of person we as Non's are.  We must have pretty low self esteem".  Not a sure fit for every situation here on this board, but a better one than you might think. Many, many, many people on this board, myself included, have stayed or recycled with their BPDex's (or BPD SO's in the cases of those who still are) through lots and lots of cheating and lying.  The reasons vary- some have families that they desperately do not want to have splinter, others fall heavily into the rescuer role (me), still others hang on through the abuse for reasons that they cannot articulate beyond, "I love him/her so much". 

My point here is that putting our replacements down for things that we ourselves have done isn't necessarily fair or helpful to anyone.  A better question for me might be, "What is it about me that made me so vulnerable to what my BPDex had to offer"

Gosh, I think you misinterpreted what I meant - my bad wording.

It was more 'to be tolerating and having all that going on that after just six months and still be trying to salvage something must mean she cannot feel good about herself'

Which of course makes her a perfect target for the person with BPD.

Sorry if I caused any offence. Really wasn't my intent.

Probably an over reaction on my part... .6 months out, and the defense/justification mechanisms still come to bat sometimes.  My apologies.

To your point, I would agree- this new woman is evidently not the answer to the BPDex's problems.  For me personally, seeing that the next relationship that my BPDex ran off into after I left her for cheating yet again did not work out and that she was doing the same old things that she was with me was very important.  It provided me evidence that IT ISN'T ME.  I am not the one causing her dysfunction; I may trigger it, but ANYONE will. 

[Jbt857]

No worries, octoberfest. I re-read it and see how easily it could be misinterpreted.

Heck, I went through nearly 10 years of that BPD crap and infidelity too, so I'm certainly not in a place to throw stones, given how long I tolerated it and how low I sunk.

I've just had contact with mine after about 4 months NC, so my head is all over the place right now. It's a good reminder to myself to think carefully what I write and how it could be perceived. In a bit of a FOG today... .

[necchi]

You, us people here are exemple of the closure, understanding,and respect all of us abound... .I see people admitting their faults without missing a beat and  being humble  ! Really appreciate all you being you!

[smartwoman220]

Hey you guys!   Sorry  for the delay. Of course many of you know  my story, and I  left the  boards in  February because they  gave  me  a reason to  ruminate.  I  did really  good  with the  no  contact thing up  until Oct. 17.   I still have  a soft spot for him, and I think  about  him  so often. ... .it rediculos.

In all honesty,  there was a part of me that  was hoping that  he could change.   That  he would  realize that  we could  have  so much togethere if he jus made better decisions.  I'm  utterly  drunk  with delussion... ..

As far as the other woman, she wasn't at all rude, she was really  just searching.  I gather that  she is very  insecure in their relatonship ( and rightfully so), and  whenever they  had an argument, he  would say "I can go back to Georgia, the love of my life is there".  So I guess when  she  saw my  number she panicked.  She's under his spell the  same way I was at one point. I know  what  that feels like, so I  empathize with her.  But she  has experienced much  more hurt than i did in 6 months... .6 months into it, we were still perfect. I wish  he  would  have shown  that too me so early  off.

He also  bragged to  me  that  he tells all his women about me... .he said it like it was a compliment.

Needless to say,  that was only the beginning of the drama.


I gotta run, but I'll fill you in later.  Ciao!

[laelle]

He also  bragged to  me  that  he tells all his women about me... .he said it like it was a compliment.

Idealization at its finest!

[Ironmanrises]

He also  bragged to  me  that  he tells all his women about me... .he said it like it was a compliment.

A reflection of the contradictory hell that is BPD. A cruel paradox.

[fromheeltoheal]

He also  bragged to  me  that  he tells all his women about me... .he said it like it was a compliment.

Popular quote you've shared, and gave me some flashbacks.  So let's see, he has lots of women so that means he matters, external validation so maybe his opinion of himself isn't true.  "Bragging" to other women about you, whatever that means, to keep them on edge, they just don't measure up, so they better try harder and not leave, a tool he uses to possibly avoid abandonment.  And telling you about other women could have the same effect on you, to retain any lingering attachment and keep you on the list of possible soothe sources.  And a narcissistic trait of thinking that when he doles out what he considers a compliment like that you should be grateful, because he's God's gift to women.  Barf.

Convoluted web of dysfunction there fer sure, we don't need this bullsht, time for an upgrade.

[smartwoman220]

Ok... .  yesterday I was hurrying, so I couldn't  communicate the  way I wanted to.   

I know  I should have  never broken  n/c. I thought I was strong enough, but clearly I wasn't.  He still lassos my  heart, even knowing everything,  he stays on top of my  brain. I DO NOT WANT to stay  on his merry-go-round.

I listened to  what the  other lady  had to  say, because I needed to hear what she was saying. I learned a lot about  him too, through  her.  He is still a mooch, even  though he is doing it differently  with her  ( she fluffed his financial aid at the school she works at and co-signed his loans), and he still lives with his son's mother (although their divorce is final).  Nothing bad to say about  her... .but I've been  in  her shoes.

He and I don't share any children, so we have no  real ties... .except  for the grip he has had on my heart. 

I came back to the  board to remember why I left him, and to try to understand the complexity  that was us... .and  to get the  power to move forward.

I can't discuss these issues with my family at all... .they  just  don't understand. I can't internalize them  either, because they will certainly  make  me explode.

But I love the honesty... .and  being able to  post how I feel with out the emotional beat down my  family  gives me.   

[Clearmind]

Realistically they will still lasso our hearts even if we are NC - at some point we will bump into them  - I did on numerous occasions and still do - on almost all occasions its inevitable. WHile you feverishly guard NC also work on your detachment and begin to understand why you are attached to him in the first place.

I have seen so many many members come back here and post after seeing their ex's after 1 year or 18 months or even 2 years devastated because they bumped into them - Why? - because we have not processed the relationship.

Smartwomen, I can only speak from experience that NC on its own simply does not work to help you move on. Consider posting some on Personal Inventory Board which will help you process your reasons for attaching. As you determine that its amazing how we let go of our ex's. Build your worth and you loose interest in a disordered person because you value you way too much to be compromised like this.

All the best

[caughtnreleased]

He also  bragged to  me  that  he tells all his women about me... .he said it like it was a compliment.

Idealization at its finest!

and splitting. He's making those women jump higher and higher to try and reach that unobtainable target... .let's hope they figure it out, for their own sake.

[goldylamont]

Realistically they will still lasso our hearts even if we are NC - at some point we will bump into them  - I did on numerous occasions and still do - on almost all occasions its inevitable. WHile you feverishly guard NC also work on your detachment and begin to understand why you are attached to him in the first place.

I have seen so many many members come back here and post after seeing their ex's after 1 year or 18 months or even 2 years devastated because they bumped into them - Why? - because we have not processed the relationship.

Smartwomen, I can only speak from experience that NC on its own simply does not work to help you move on. Consider posting some on Personal Inventory Board which will help you process your reasons for attaching. As you determine that its amazing how we let go of our ex's. Build your worth and you loose interest in a disordered person because you value you way too much to be compromised like this.

All the best

excellent excellent advice. and has me thinking a lot now about the work i've begun but need to continue doing. Clearmind, this is really insightful. I do agree that NC is great in that it gives us space to heal and grow, but it's also up to us to make use of this space to repair and rebuild ourselves how we see fit.

being in a healthy r/s after the one with xuBPDgf has helped tons to show me some light, yet and still i'm letting go of the totality of things. i still don't want to run into or be around my ex. i don't want to stop working on myself until i'd be completely indifferent to seeing her. i want to be able to see her, smile to myself maybe about some of the good times we had and be thankful to be free of the bad. i already feel this way now, but will be interesting to find out how far along i am when we do bump into each other. have to use this period of NC to best prepare for this moment... .how do i want it to go?

[ucmeicu2]

I wonder what the percentage of pwBPD that actually go therapy and stop lying are compared to those that simply claim they want this (while seeing multiple people at that)? Would love to see that pie chart.

well, my xBPDgf has been in therapy her whole life (including DBT) and she still lies.   she told me she was trying harder to be honest with me than she ever had with anybody else before.  it sounded like lying was continuous and lighthearted to her previously, but with me she desired pureness of honesty, but was struggling with breaking the chains.

i believe she was telling me the truth.  i could see the anguish and difficulty she was having with it.

haha, telling me the truth about lying.  oh the irony!  maybe she just deserves a medal for Actress of the Year.