I feel so confused and exausted

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I usually post on the Staying board. But at this point I am at a loss for what to do. I've always stood strong in staying with my BPD husband. I am not good with boundaries because I am basically afraid of his reactions (I've implemented some but not the big ones) . My husband does not work and is at home at all times, except for the occasional therapy sessions when he decides to go. In the past when I have left he has a history of destroying my things. I think that is what has caused me to basically never want to leave the house, because I feel as if I am going to loose something else important to me. I was seeing a therapist on my own but I really didn't feel it was helping. I am now going to try and meet with my husband's therapist who specializes in treating BPD, my husband suggested it and his therapist did too in the beginning so I'm giving it a try. I think she will help me more but she's harder to get into see and my husband's treatment takes priority. Anyways, we often have very abusive fights where he tells me he hates me and tells me to leave. Again, I have it stuck in my head that if I leave something else will be destroyed, I can't take everything in the heat of the moment. I also fear for my dogs, because I feel he would use them against me. I have left when he's gotten violent though, I've put my foot down on that and thankfully he hasn't touched me in more than a year (since starting therapy). I just don't see us lasting though, he tells me almost every day he wants a divorce. I work full time, I pay all the bills how is it I should leave? He doesn't have any income (attempting to get disability), he doesn't have any place to go and he doesn't even really have a car because our car is shared. So I feel stuck, and I honestly wonder if he feels stuck (wants to leave but has no way to do it). He's told me so many times that he doesn't love me and wants me to leave. He always apologizes afterwards and takes it back. So I really don't know what he wants. I'm just so tired of the up and down of this life. If he didn't tell me every day that he wants a divorce then I wouldn't be thinking about how to leave. I haven't made up my mind, as he is trying hard on his issues. I just think he has more issues than he can really handle. And one of his main issues is trust. Him being in a relationship causes him more stress because he is constantly worried that I am cheating on him. He's knows in his normal moments that he is basically crazy. But in the heat of the moment he sure of what he "feels". Last night I was woken up my him repeatedly asking me "what's his name?". He gets to the point where he threatens me to give him a name even though there isn't one. It's not uncommon for him to black out during his rages, this is the single most factor that makes me seriously think about leaving. While cops have been called on him in the past, I don't want to do that again unless it's absolutely necessary, for many reasons.

I need to come up with a plan for if I ever do really decide to leave. My husband is at home at all times, so it's not like I can do it while he's not there. I am too afraid to try and do it while he is there. And I am at a loss for what to do with our dogs. I would be happy to take them both, my husband can't pay to take care of them but he's made it clear he's not going to give them up to me, he would take them to the pound before giving them to me. And I really have no place to take them if I do take them with me. It would take some time and money I don't have, to find a place to move with them.  I would even be willing to take one and give him the other but he doesn't want fair, he wants me to hurt like he hurts and even more than he hurts.

I just hate all of this, I am dealing with two people. One really loving husband and one really angry and abused grown up child that lashes out at whoever he can. I'm not really sure what I am asking for other than advise.

[Cloudy Days]

I usually post on the Staying board. But at this point I am at a loss for what to do. I've always stood strong in staying with my BPD husband. I am not good with boundaries because I am basically afraid of his reactions (I've implemented some but not the big ones) . My husband does not work and is at home at all times, except for the occasional therapy sessions when he decides to go. In the past when I have left he has a history of destroying my things. I think that is what has caused me to basically never want to leave the house, because I feel as if I am going to loose something else important to me. I was seeing a therapist on my own but I really didn't feel it was helping. I am now going to try and meet with my husband's therapist who specializes in treating BPD, my husband suggested it and his therapist did too in the beginning so I'm giving it a try. I think she will help me more but she's harder to get into see and my husband's treatment takes priority. Anyways, we often have very abusive fights where he tells me he hates me and tells me to leave. Again, I have it stuck in my head that if I leave something else will be destroyed, I can't take everything in the heat of the moment. I also fear for my dogs, because I feel he would use them against me. I have left when he's gotten violent though, I've put my foot down on that and thankfully he hasn't touched me in more than a year (since starting therapy). I just don't see us lasting though, he tells me almost every day he wants a divorce. I work full time, I pay all the bills how is it I should leave? He doesn't have any income (attempting to get disability), he doesn't have any place to go and he doesn't even really have a car because our car is shared. So I feel stuck, and I honestly wonder if he feels stuck (wants to leave but has no way to do it). He's told me so many times that he doesn't love me and wants me to leave. He always apologizes afterwards and takes it back. So I really don't know what he wants. I'm just so tired of the up and down of this life. If he didn't tell me every day that he wants a divorce then I wouldn't be thinking about how to leave. I haven't made up my mind, as he is trying hard on his issues. I just think he has more issues than he can really handle. And one of his main issues is trust. Him being in a relationship causes him more stress because he is constantly worried that I am cheating on him. He's knows in his normal moments that he is basically crazy. But in the heat of the moment he sure of what he "feels". Last night I was woken up my him repeatedly asking me "what's his name?". He gets to the point where he threatens me to give him a name even though there isn't one. It's not uncommon for him to black out during his rages, this is the single most factor that makes me seriously think about leaving. While cops have been called on him in the past, I don't want to do that again unless it's absolutely necessary, for many reasons.

I need to come up with a plan for if I ever do really decide to leave. My husband is at home at all times, so it's not like I can do it while he's not there. I am too afraid to try and do it while he is there. And I am at a loss for what to do with our dogs. I would be happy to take them both, my husband can't pay to take care of them but he's made it clear he's not going to give them up to me, he would take them to the pound before giving them to me. And I really have no place to take them if I do take them with me. It would take some time and money I don't have, to find a place to move with them.  I would even be willing to take one and give him the other but he doesn't want fair, he wants me to hurt like he hurts and even more than he hurts.

I just hate all of this, I am dealing with two people. One really loving husband and one really angry and abused grown up child that lashes out at whoever he can. I'm not really sure what I am asking for other than advise.

[allibaba]

WOW!  That is a lot on your plate.  

Cloudy Days, have you spoken with your local police ever about the laws in your area?  About your situation?  Anonymously?  I did and it gave me a huge amount of comfort to know what tools I could use if necessary.  My local tools include a police escort to get your stuff (including the dogs).  It doesn't go on the record at all... .its a preventative thing to avoid violence.

Have you ever spoken to your local woman's shelter to understand how it works?  Many of them have 24 hour hotlines?  :)o it when you go to work on lunch on your cell phone.  A lot of them have free resources and counselors.

Honestly, you run the house and pay all the bills.  :)on't let him push you out because you feel guilty.  He has family too... .remember?

One of the only ways that boundaries really work is if you can detach from the fear of what you 'might lose'.  I understand not wanting him to destroy your stuff.  That's reasonable.

I wouldn't want to live in a situation where I was being told that I am hated all the time (although I do remember a time when I lived like that)... .too draining.  

It seems like you are staying because of FEAR, OBLIGATION, AND GUILT.  Ideally it would be good to get him out of the house so that he has the opportunity to work on himself.  I wonder if his program has half way houses or something?

You're a good kind person... .you don't deserve to live like this.

[momtara]

I am sorry to hear about this.  You are the third or fourth person I've read about here whose husband makes threats about the dogs.  If you had kids, it might be them.  We had no dogs, but hubby would threaten to call social services on me about the kids.

The dealing with 2 people can make your head spin.  Believe me, I know that feeling.

It sounds like you live in a prison.  And he does have some threats he is holding over you - losing your stuff, our animals, etc.  I know you don't want to take an extreme measure and lose him.  The best thing would be for him to change so you didn't have to worry anymore, but that takes a lot.  

It's possible if you really did leave, he'd finally do the work to change, but there are no guarantees.

Since you haven't done anything major yet, quietly plan and figure out where your boundary is and what you can do.

You could just take everything and leave one day.  You could get a restraining order that gets him out of the house, if he does anything serious.

Or you could tell him to stop behaviors x,y, and z and if he doesn't, you are leaving.

His behavior sounds like typical BPD behavior and is driven by his fears of you leaving him.  Sounds like you take care of him.  He doesn't want to leave you or for you to leave.  My husband used to threaten divorce too.  Now I have left and he is begging me to come back.  In some ways I am still not sure what to do, as he is finally getting the right counseling and admitting to all (not some) of the things he did wrong.  I just don't know if he could avoid them again.

Change takes time.

Hang in there.  You shouldn't have to suffer like this.  Maybe you and his therapist can come up with a way to get him into some more steady and pointed treatment.

[lockedout]

As a guy, I can say I think this guy is beyond help. And dangerous. He's sitting on his butt for no reason and making you do all the work and pay all the bills. At best, he'll defraud the disability system (he's probably already been told 'no' since laziness isn't a condition that prevents him from working). A man who is totally guilt-free sitting on his ass all day has some very serious issues. What worries me is the paranoia ("trust issues". Then he's coming up with these delusions then threatening you while you're sleeping to come up with a name for someone who doesn't exist. Find a way to ensure the safety of your dogs (don't think he's not capable of harming them in retaliation - they can be boarded) and the hell with the rest of your stuff. It's just stuff. Take your most valuable stuff out in piecemeal and leave it with a friend. A local women's shelter (or hotline) should be able to help you with an exit plan. He'll have to leave eventually. 

[heartandwhole]

Cloudy Days,

This is hard stuff, and I'm sorry you are feeling stuck and exhausted.  It's very understandable given the circumstances. 

You are thinking about a possible future without your husband, about a life where you feel better, about yourself and maybe also about him.  It's overwhelming if you think about getting from a to z, how about just getting from a to b in the next week?

Tiny steps.  Maybe step one for next week is to call a women's shelter to get information, like allibaba recommended. Check.  Then step two might be to find out from the police about protection available should you decide to leave, etc. 

The information gathering might help you with your decision.  It will help you see your options, what's possible.

Honor the part of you that knows you want more in life, as well as the part that has empathy and love for your husband.  Both parts are inside of you, and they don't have to be mutually exclusive. 

[allibaba]

Tiny steps.  Maybe step one for next week is to call a women's shelter to get information, like allibaba recommended. Check.  Then step two might be to find out from the police about protection available should you decide to leave, etc. 

The information gathering might help you with your decision.  It will help you see your options, what's possible.

Honor the part of you that knows you want more in life, as well as the part that has empathy and love for your husband.  Both parts are inside of you, and they don't have to be mutually exclusive. 

What great and kind advise heartandwhole!  Thanks for the reminder that Rome doesn't need to be built in a day.

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks for the replies. I am going to start researching. I honestly don't know what is holding me back. I do have to say that my husband is not playing the social security system. He's worked his entire life and he gets fired from every single job. He just can't be around people, I think it's the PTSD more than anything. He was going to therapy regularly and this his therapist had a baby and took some time off. It's almost like starting over, it's a lot to handle for him to go places himself and now he's uncomfortable with it again. He has medical problems too on top of the mental problems. Some days are much better than others. 

I do love him, and it's not like he does this stuff every night or every week for that matter. I just know if I ever do decide to leave that it will be hard for me to do. And I need to start accepting that it is an option for me and deciding how to do it if it does. Because I am not happy a lot of the time and I don't want to be accused of cheating almost every day.

[allibaba]

Cloudy Days,

Allowing him to abuse you is enabling him and delaying his own healing. 

Take your time but you need to find a way to protect yourself against his abuse.

I know that he's a good man, but that he's very sick.  I can relate.   

[momtara]

we all know that feeling of suffering through the bad times to get to the good.  hang in there.