Working around their work shifts?

[Whichwayisup]

Hello,

Long story short(ish); I have worked around my USTBxW’s work shifts since April 1st this year (since uncovering her infidelity)- we share D4 & D 10 50/50 and she has managed to alienate S16 from me.  At that point she reduced her working hours by 25% as a nurse and subsequently went onto permanent nightshift 3 (varying) times a week.  She said this was so that she could still look after the children so a late shift backing into an early wouldn’t mean she saw them less as we now live in different houses.  Sometimes I haven’t received the next batch of shifts until 5 days before they are supposedly known which makes life very difficult for me to plan.

Once the shifts are made known to me, I append them to an online calendar (determining 4 nights and 3 nights for each of us=50/50) and she was supposed to check them for errors/hand overtimes etc.  She stopped checking this in mid-Oct when she withheld our daughters from me without any reason or justification.  Further to my L getting involved, she then restarted the mediation process at which time she confirmed there was no adequate reason to withhold the children; mediator acknowledged it as one of many “one-offs”said USTBxW’is now too busy to confirm the details on the online calendar, but agreed that by not letting me know of any issues within 48 hours, the default position would be that everything is fine.

Now; I have made her aware since April of only 3 instances where I would not be available, one of these being 29th Nov.  She is adamant that as she has not taken the liberty of requesting that night off to look after the children; that I must have them regardless of the fact that I have already noted that I had another engagement (the fact that it was a concert in which I have also given a ticket to S16 to attend (six months ago) seems immaterial).

In short, I can't keep going on this way and wondered how other people resolve to work around the shifts and subsequent entitlement that becomes apparent; I have disengaged, merely stating repeatedly that she has had 6 months notice and I cannot be held accountable for the things she has failed to organise. (Granted I could organise a babysitter, but she would then not be working around any of my availability  and me constantly around hers which isn't a good precedent as she had managed to book off the 1st Nov to get drunk with a friend and only saw the kids 2 nights that week as I had them  for 4 and their grandparents the other one, yet she is explaining she cannot only see them for 2 nights next week(ludicrous ) - anyone else in a similar situation - any tips?

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[martillo]

I can't address this personally as I am still married to my uBPDh; however, my brother's (seems we apparently got a little overloaded on the caretaker gene!  ) XuBPDw is also a nurse and was working nights when custody agreement went into place.  They have 4 boys together.  Their custody agreement gives them 50/50 custody - alternating weeks.  My brother tried to work w XuBPDw's schedule so she could work and rest and basically do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted .  His XuBPDw went through a separation w her current H and the boys ended up spending all their time w brother (4 months) while she chased the guy/step-dad to woo him back.  When his X and her current H got back together, the X wanted to go back to same thing and my brother said "no, we are going to follow court order - you have kids a week and I have kids a week."  This seems to have helped my brother's sanity! 

Not sure what kind of custody arrangement you have in place, but probably best to just plan to have the kids on your time and if you need to, make arrangements for a babysitter and let her do the same.

[thisyoungdad]

Each situation is different however I can share what I have done. My ex wife is a MD. As such she has always had an odd schedule. For the first 2 years of our daughters life I was a stay at home dad so "working" around her schedule wasn't too difficult except with social things. Then she left and for the first 6-8 months we would meet up every month or two and make a parenting schedule in conjunction with her work schedule. It was tough, caused me a lot of stress and frustration but I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time.

Then she got a new nanny or what not and at first I was hurt and angry that I wasn't going to be the one to help or on call. Then I realized that it was my own personal codependency issues which wanted to tell me that I needed to work my life around hers to find value and worth. Or that my life was less important. So we adopted a parenting plan that is reliable and I can predict it. Now sometimes if it is her weekend and she also has to work she will offer right of first refusal and I always accept but that is different. She pays a very large amount in baby sitter costs because she chooses to because she only has to offer right of first refusal for times more than 4 hours. I never or very rarely pass up a chance to take my daughter if there is a chance given.

I realized it was hard to let go of working around her schedule even though it was so stressful, for two reasons. The first being how much my daughter is with a sitter, and I can see that when I look at the daycare book saying who signed her in and out. That tells me the work schedule. But also i realized that by not working around her schedule anymore I was no longer privy to her schedule, which meant privy to her life in that way. It made me realize that I was really codependent upon her because when I no longer knew if she was working even though I never cared before, it was like I had lost something. It made the loss of the relationship a little more real. Yet over time I am so glad we have a firm schedule in place that I can then be as accommodating I want to be per her requests but I have stability to count on. Now I feel very comfortable telling her that it is her day and her responsibility to find a sitter or whatever it is she needs. I also keep myself busy enough that I am not available at the drop of a hat when she drops the ball on her end. It also helps me to then enforce my boundaries that it is her time with our daughter and her responsibility. If I have time I will waver and let the schedule get changed then we get into trouble.