anyone in counseling with their ex?

[momtara]

Seems like a more affordable alternative to parent coordinating, etc... .

Is it worthwhile?  Is it helping at all?  Do you think your counselor would make recommendations for court if needed?

[Free One]

My experience with counseling with ex before the divorce was that he lied and manipulated the counselor. It was very destructive to me and we were not able to make any progress with our relationship.

[momtara]

Yeah, that's what happened before we got separated... .I'm thinking coparenting counseling post-divorce.

[thisyoungdad]

We also tried before the divorce. Thankfully, although it was so destructive for me simply because I had to sit through so many lies, manipulation attempts and being bashed and made to think I was crazy, in the end the couples therapist did know exactly what I was facing and was extremely supportive to me. However, I do think that it was ultimately a waste of time and money in regards to the "couple" aspect of it. She couldn't work as a team then and she can't now. If we could not make progress then I have no reason to think we could now. Look at how things went then, because chances are they probably are not going to be any better now.

[Matt]

Probably important to agree on what the purpose of counseling is.

If one of you think it's to fix the marriage, and the other thinks it's for kid issues, nothing will be accomplished.

Maybe also some ground rules for counseling - no talk about the distant past - no accusations - only practical matters to find solutions, etc.

[livednlearned]

During mediation, N/BPDx's L recommended coparenting therapy for us. N/BPDx went to one session, and I went separately to another ($250$ an hour! Not covered by insurance... .).

Most coparenting therapists are forensic psychologists, which means they know how courts work and therapeutic jurisprudence may be a big part of their revenue. They usually know that there's a chance that they'll be called in to testify. Many of them will charge more than the usual rate to appear in court, so it can be a good source of income for them to work with a high-conflict couple.

The coparenting therapist I saw could not guarantee confidentiality, which worried me because the custody case was active. Also, I was worried physically about being in the same room as N/BPDx, and the therapist's office had one couch, which meant we had to sit next to each other. So I refused to go again and N/BPDx never mentioned it after that. My guess is that it was his L who suggested it, not knowing how high-conflict we were. N/BPDx can charm the socks off a mannequin.

There was one member on the board who had a good experience with the coparenting therapist, but if I remember correctly, the therapist spent a lot of time making sure both parties knew that the relationship was over, and made very clear for both of them that the boundaries that existed during the marriage were no longer the same. I don't think the therapy had much impact on the BPD ex wife, but he found it helpful to understand the new boundaries for himself.

[slimmiller]

Recently in a discussion my exBPD and I had about parenting and a few other things we disagreed on, she suggested that we do counseling. I asked her why and she said so we can get along better for the kids. I told her there was no 'us' and nothing to discuss and made it clear that the ball is in her court to make changes for the sake of the kids, I was done bending over backwards to make things work, she back peddled. It is clear to me, she Felt she was loosing control and baited me to go to counseling to regain control. Because there I would commit to some of her demands in order to appease her and as usual she would wig out with some lame excuse.

If I felt that in my case there would be one iota of things getting better I would be all over it to make things better for the kids. Mine refused counseling to save the marriage (I know she knew subconsciously she would have had to take some responsibility and she will not commit to that)

I guess counseling is a good idea if they can keep agreements and boundaries and do it for the right reasons. Otherwise its probably just like a lot of things BPD, 'lip service'