Should I have TOLD her I want NC? I never did. I'm so angry now.

[FindPeace]

Let me preface this by saying I really, really don't want contact. I've had over a year to see the abuse for what it was, plus during that time, my ex did some things that drove that clarity home, and now any contact from her makes me feel so unbelievably angry and almost hateful that I can't see straight. I just want to get to a point where I don't feel that level of anger, either. It's not healthy.

After a year, my ex has started trying to contact me, even at my work email address. Because I read about NC, I didn't reply, and I blocked her from my phone, texts, and all my email addresses. Recently an email from her got through. I didn't open it but due to email configuration I saw the first sentence and a half, which were totally baiting me to contact her and subtly belittling me for not doing so; her style.

The thing is, I never told her I wanted NC. We just didn't talk for a year, and I want to keep it that way. My question is: when you go NC with a Borderline, are you supposed to tell them that this is what you plan to do? I never did because I assumed that was the way to do it. I'm basically giving her the silent treatment, which a) feels weird because that is something she did to me when we were together and b) it seems like I should tell someone not to contact me if I don't want them to contact me. It also feels weird because I used to have a habit of running away from my problems and this feels like I'm doing that.

Honestly I'm hoping the answer I'll get is "don't contact the Borderline, even to say you want NC." I don't want to reward this horrible person's attempts to bait me. Admittedly, a part of me also wants to email her and tear her a new one, but it would feel equally as good to stand up to her like I never did when we were together and say "I don't want to have anything to do with you. Do not contact me again."

Should I tell her belatedly not to contact me, or can I just keep re-filtering her emails to "blocked"?

[Ironmanrises]

Even had you told her, she has a disorder that will/most likely compel her to contact you again in x period of time. So even telling her, would not mean she would even respect that. I never told my ex after round 1, when she left me, that I was going NC. She contacted me 3 months afterwards. Now after round 2, where she left me again, I didn't tell her I was going NC. Can we guess what the outcome will be again?

[FindPeace]

Even had you told her, she has a disorder that will/most likely compel her to contact you again in x period of time. So even telling her, would not mean she would even respect that. I never told my ex after round 1, when she left me, that I was going NC. She contacted me 3 months afterwards. Now after round 2, where she left me again, I didn't tell her I was going NC. Can we guess what the outcome will be again?

Okay, this helps to hear. Thank you so much for saying something; I saw that message in my inbox and am vibrating with anger. You are right, she would have done it anyway. And telling her I want NC out of some sense of what is the right thing to do, or honorable, well, doing what I thought was honorable or the right thing was really what got me in this mess with her to begin with. Plus, I don't owe her anything. Hell, if anything, I'm owed several years of my life back. And my health and sanity.

[momtara]

It sounds like right now, what you have done is what is working for you.  So I'd continue on that path.

[bruisedbattered]

think you answered you're own question.  walk away, stay nc.  she'll get the point.  It's no use arguing with her, or "tearing her a new one"...   It's the equivalent of arguing with a child...     (I know you are, but what am I.  repeat 100 times.)

[charred]

ANY CONTACT... .is contact.

Its been a year... you are saying you really, really don't want contact... .but asking about initiating it.

The opposite of having strong feelings for someone ... .isn't what you are describing, it is being indifferent to them.

If a pesky insurance salesman called you 3 times a day for a year, then stopped for a year... .would you call them to say... "I don't want you trying to sell me insurance?"  Of course not... .because you know you would start up the calls again. The difference is you still have some strong feelings and partly miss the contact.

Save yourself a ton of hurt, see a T, or go out with a friend, visit family.

Or... .worse case... .admit to yourself you are contacting her because you want to, and just do it, but lose the rationalizing  around "not telling her NC"... it is a case of any excuse will do.

Are you looking for someone to say "NO, NO, NO... .BAD IDEA!"... . you have already said it. Listen to yourself... you know the answer.

[FindPeace]

think you answered you're own question.  walk away, stay nc.  she'll get the point.  It's no use arguing with her, or "tearing her a new one"...   It's the equivalent of arguing with a child...     (I know you are, but what am I.  repeat 100 times.)

Oh. You know, you are right - it really is the "I know you are but what am I" thing. Man, I forgot how good she is at pushing buttons to get me to react. The way she worded what little I saw of that message (which I'm deleting because otherwise what is the point of blocking her emails) made me want to respond and yell, like a little kid, "NUH-UH! I'M NOT A WUSS! I'M NOT SCARED OF REPLYING TO YOU!" She's just a better psychological manipulator than an eight year old. Kid games.

[FindPeace]

ANY CONTACT... .is contact.

Its been a year... you are saying you really, really don't want contact... .but asking about initiating it.

The opposite of having strong feelings for someone ... .isn't what you are describing, it is being indifferent to them.

If a pesky insurance salesman called you 3 times a day for a year, then stopped for a year... .would you call them to say... "I don't want you trying to sell me insurance?"  Of course not... .because you know you would start up the calls again. The difference is you still have some strong feelings and partly miss the contact.

Save yourself a ton of hurt, see a T, or go out with a friend, visit family.

Or... .worse case... .admit to yourself you are contacting her because you want to, and just do it, but lose the rationalizing  around "not telling her NC"... it is a case of any excuse will do.

Are you looking for someone to say "NO, NO, NO... .BAD IDEA!"... . you have already said it. Listen to yourself... you know the answer.

Heh, good point. I want her to stop contacting me- and I want to ignore her, yet at the same time I really want to contact her to tell her off while I'm angry. Very, very bad idea.

Thanks for this.

[FindPeace]

I'm going to keep up with NC.

Thanks for giving me a leg up here, everyone. I don't know what I'd do without this board to turn to when that person manages to get a reaction out of me. It's going to be a long time before I've really recovered from that nightmare.

[DownandOut]

ANY CONTACT... .is contact.

Its been a year... you are saying you really, really don't want contact... .but asking about initiating it.

The opposite of having strong feelings for someone ... .isn't what you are describing, it is being indifferent to them.

If a pesky insurance salesman called you 3 times a day for a year, then stopped for a year... .would you call them to say... "I don't want you trying to sell me insurance?"  Of course not... .because you know you would start up the calls again. The difference is you still have some strong feelings and partly miss the contact.

Save yourself a ton of hurt, see a T, or go out with a friend, visit family.

Or... .worse case... .admit to yourself you are contacting her because you want to, and just do it, but lose the rationalizing  around "not telling her NC"... it is a case of any excuse will do.

Are you looking for someone to say "NO, NO, NO... .BAD IDEA!"... .  you have already said it. Listen to yourself... you know the answer.

Heh, good point. I want her to stop contacting me- and I want to ignore her, yet at the same time I really want to contact her to tell her off while I'm angry. Very, very bad idea.

Thanks for this.

Deep down, I'm also waiting for that time to come. I'm still not sure about what I'll do, but it's true, I do want her to contact me. I don't know the reasons why, but I keep telling myself that it's because I want to "rip her a new one." I'm not sure what that will prove though, she's ill and she won't get it. Even if she did hear me out, her defense mechanisms wouldn't let her process what I say logically and I'll just be painted black and open myself up to some sort of possible retaliation. I do want the contact, I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone here, but I know it's not good for me. I wish I could erase her existence from my mind.

[Changingman]

With no contact you are taking back your life, physically, emotionally and mentally. They attack and destroy all three parts. This is the shocking pain, it poisons the whole system. No more involvement, this is a relationship disorder. So no relationship is the answer. No moral compass, a joy in hurting the innocent. Nothing, no more, you might lose your mind.

[FindPeace]

With no contact you are taking back your life, physically, emotionally and mentally. They attack and destroy all three parts. This is the shocking pain, it poisons the whole system. No more involvement, this is a relationship disorder. So no relationship is the answer. No moral compass, a joy in hurting the innocent. Nothing, no more, you might lose your mind.

I'm so glad I've been maintaining no contact. I already have more contact than is healthy, only in the sense that most of my former chosen family became friends with her, and she pops up online sometimes through them. Seeing them talk to her when they used to be my friends and know what she put me through feels like contact. I'm starting to think it's time to remove them from my life.

"a joy in hurting the innocent"

Amazing to hear you say that - she once told me that she hates innocence and when she sees it she wants to destroy it. I used to be a pretty innocent person.

[seeking balance]

I'm so glad I've been maintaining no contact. I already have more contact than is healthy, only in the sense that most of my former chosen family became friends with her, and she pops up online sometimes through them. Seeing them talk to her when they used to be my friends and know what she put me through feels like contact. I'm starting to think it's time to remove them from my life.

NC is for you, not for her... .so you do exactly what you need to feel good about you.  If  a final line in the sand of "stop and leave me alone" makes you feel better and you can leave it at that (this is the key, because contact tends to be more than 1 exchange) it isn't the end of the world.

I tend to be on the camp of NC is not responding to any sort of contact.  Delete the emails and keep moving forward like you are doing.

Regarding the friend situation - I too had the chosen family still engage with the ex.  As such,  I ended up letting go of that family too... .seeing the contact, being invited to same events - it was too much for me.  To say this was easy, is not true - it was as painful as anything.  But I did what I had to to save my own sanity.  My, "so-called friends" even one that I had known 20 years - invited ex and the friend in the friend circle that was the new "one" to a child's bday - this same child that stayed with me when they went overseas to adopt their 2nd child.  It was my line in the sand - a messy divorce, everyone knowing the facts and yet still putting us in the same room - I just wasn't going to do that to myself  - so I let go.

Nothing about  these breakups is easy - and I have found the lost friend casualty one of the most painful.  On the positive, the people in my life now - they really are true friends... .amazing people.  Getting out of the FOG totally has allowed me to see people for who they are - all of them.   At times I miss the old friends, but there is no way I want to go back to that... .what I have now is simple, easy and respectful. 

Hang in there FindPeace - you are doing great!

Peace,

SB

[FindPeace]

NC is for you, not for her... .so you do exactly what you need to feel good about you.  If  a final line in the sand of "stop and leave me alone" makes you feel better and you can leave it at that (this is the key, because contact tends to be more than 1 exchange) it isn't the end of the world.

I tend to be on the camp of NC is not responding to any sort of contact.  Delete the emails and keep moving forward like you are doing.

Regarding the friend situation - I too had the chosen family still engage with the ex.  As such,  I ended up letting go of that family too... .seeing the contact, being invited to same events - it was too much for me.  To say this was easy, is not true - it was as painful as anything.  But I did what I had to to save my own sanity.  My, "so-called friends" even one that I had known 20 years - invited ex and the friend in the friend circle that was the new "one" to a child's bday - this same child that stayed with me when they went overseas to adopt their 2nd child.  It was my line in the sand - a messy divorce, everyone knowing the facts and yet still putting us in the same room - I just wasn't going to do that to myself  - so I let go.

Nothing about  these breakups is easy - and I have found the lost friend casualty one of the most painful.  On the positive, the people in my life now - they really are true friends... .amazing people.  Getting out of the FOG totally has allowed me to see people for who they are - all of them.   At times I miss the old friends, but there is no way I want to go back to that... .what I have now is simple, easy and respectful. 

Hang in there FindPeace - you are doing great!

Peace,

SB

SB, thank you so much. I'm not feeling very tough or strong today; working from home and crying my eyes out because I miss my friends so much and feel the betrayal pretty badly, and realizing that I have to probably cut them loose. What you said here really helped.

[seeking balance]

SB, thank you so much. I'm not feeling very tough or strong today; working from home and crying my eyes out because I miss my friends so much and feel the betrayal pretty badly, and realizing that I have to probably cut them loose. What you said here really helped.

Girl, I worked from home and cried my eyes out many-a-day... .sometimes, I still do... .the loss is extreme on so many levels in this breakup.  Digging deep, it is our core wounds, our core hurts stemming from FOO.  This is not for the weak to handle.

You are stronger than you have any idea about - honestly, cry as much as you need.  It will get better and you will have a new normal.

,

SB

[Changingman]

With no contact you are taking back your life, physically, emotionally and mentally. They attack and destroy all three parts. This is the shocking pain, it poisons the whole system. No more involvement, this is a relationship disorder. So no relationship is the answer. No moral compass, a joy in hurting the innocent. Nothing, no more, you might lose your mind.

I'm so glad I've been maintaining no contact. I already have more contact than is healthy, only in the sense that most of my former chosen family became friends with her, and she pops up online sometimes through them. Seeing them talk to her when they used to be my friends and know what she put me through feels like contact. I'm starting to think it's time to remove them from my life.

"a joy in hurting the innocent"

Amazing to hear you say that - she once told me that she hates innocence and when she sees it she wants to destroy it. I used to be a pretty innocent person.

I still am totally shocked/stunned/frightened by the depth of this disorder. I can smell it everywhere. The perverse sexuality, the hate, the sadism, the sense of evil that pervades this cluster B diagnosis... .got to say it again for me and you. To be in their orbit in any is poisonous for everyone/anyone all will feel their life lessen with little to none idea what's the cause. The deception is a joy to them, the 'one over you' is a joy to them, the advice from everyone is the same for a reason... .keep the monster away from you, keep this mental disorder away from you, NC is not advice it is a survival guide for you. No revenge, no 'playing', no ' I can handle her now/this time. You have stood looking into the abys, almost fell. Thank providence you are not with them, Hell is round the corner. If we become them we are doomed, and they want us to be them, make no mistake they are the spiders brood sucking the goodness from us, the people around them, their family, their therapist, their children, themselves. Make them not exist in your life=no contact. Death decay and destruction follow are the products of their labour. I am starting to feel for them, truly who would live this life?