BPD and perspective

[kellygirl601]

I am wondering if those with BPD have a warped perspective.  I hope Im wording this right.  My daughter is 20 and very pretty.  She wears the worst clothes, ill fitting, you name it.  It embarrasses us all.  We have tried to have conversations with her about it and Im sure you can figure out how that went over.  I think she actually thinks she looks good.  Her clothes are so ill fitting, yet she has things that fit.  Why would you wear awful things when you have nice things to wear?  It drives me nuts.  She goes on and on about why do I care what she wears blah blah.  Then she will cry to me about how ugly she is.  I said no, you just need to wear better clothes that are in your closet.  I cringe when she leaves the house.  It has gotten to the point where we wont be seen with her and wont take her with us anywhere. The is not a matter of fashion opinions, this is a matter of looking like a homeless person.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeangel]

Hi there!

If its any help my daughter had a phase og buyin size 16 right up to size 20 clothes and pj s a couple of years back 'for comfort'.  She was size 6-8 in reality.

She has stopped that now and buys right-sized clothes.  I still don't know why and any comment from me was met with derision at the time!

HTH

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, kellygirl601 

My adult son, prior to getting his BPD diagnosis in March/April 2013, and his subsequent (ongoing) treatment, used to do the same thing. He dressed in huge, dirty, ripped, junky clothes all the time (there was no need to; he has plenty of great stuff), and his Dad (my Husband) and I were embarrassed to be seen with him almost all the time. Like you say, he looked like he was homeless and had no problem with that; he knew he looked that way and didn't see anything wrong with it and was deeply offended when we tried to encourage him to change his clothes to something nicer.

Now that he's been in treatment for BPD for the last almost 9 months, he dresses "normal" again, and my observation is that his self-image has changed for the better now that he's feeling more "normal." It has taken time, but he had always been unsure of exactly who he was, where he "fit in", and how valuable he was as a human being. Now that therapy has given him a new image of himself, and the more he feels that he can handle life and it's problems--the more he is starting to "fit in"--his outside appearance is showing that.

He's keeping his hair shorter and neater (it's really great-looking now; in his "homeless-looking days" it was long, dirty, matted like ropes), and his prior unshaven, sloppy look is now more well-manicured. We can gauge his progress with his therapy by his outside appearance, and he gets cleaner and neater and more snappy-looking every day. Is your daughter in therapy? Does she accept that she needs help? Hang in there, kellygirl601... .once she starts feeling better about herself, and sees herself in a new light, this can all change... .

[raytamtay3]

My daughter wears... .for lack of a better word... .slutty clothes. Half sh*rts (why that was blocked I have no idea) and tight pants. While she isn't heavy, she also isn't thin enough to wear such clothes but she thinks she looks great. She wants to show her tattoos she got (mind you she is only 14) and they were without my consent. I too get embarassed taking her anywhere dressed like that. You can see people looking at her.

[kellygirl601]

She's 20 and started therapy when she was 10 or 11. She's been in the hospital 14+ times. She had DBT therapy and it seemed to help though she insisted it did not. She quit the group when she started school and there was a schedule conflict. A couple of months ago she moved out for a month. During that month she quit her meds which surprised me since that was never an issue. She will not go back to therapy. She said all that time and money was a waste. She says she feels better with no meds. I don't notice much difference. The ill fitting clothes have always been an issue. Because of her I'm dreading the holidays. I have no life and can't enjoy anything for dealing with her.

[griz]

Okay so here is a very hard tatic but it helped both me and my DD, and in the end it was more about me learning to accept things.  My DD is quite slim but went through a period from 15-17 of wearing the most outrageous outfits.  I too, was so embarassed at times, but fighting over it was going nowhere and making suggestions wasn't helping much either so much to my dismay I started to compliment her on anything about her outfit I could find and I would pair it with something else, like "Wow, that oversized sweatshirt is cute, I bet that would go great with your black leggings" (instead of the stupid pajama bottoms- this part I left out). Sometimes she would actually respond with "do you really think so". I guess that is sort of validation, once she felt validated she could accept what I had to say.  If we were out, I decided I would not be embarrassed.  If someone made a comment or a remark I would proudly say,"yes, DD does have her own sense of style, i guess that's the artistic side of her.  I wish I had the guts to express myself like that".  That really stopped people from saying anything and I found some family members even complementing her.

I know it can be maddening but I had to find a way to put a better spin on it so I wouldn't drive myself insane.   I also learned that my DD would probably always be different and I was having a hard time with the fact that she wasn't like everyone else.  I shared this with one of the DBT therapists and he told me this, ":)D is like a daisy growing in a field of Roses... .they are both beautiful but they are different and different isn't always bad".  I thought alot about this and one day came across a poem that I keep in my wallet - I would like to share it with everyone here about our "different children":

“Once in a golden hour,

I cast to earth a seed,

And up there grew a flower,

That others called a weed.”

Griz

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really sorry that she isn't in any Therapy right now, kellygirl601, and that she doesn't seem to see that she needs help... .That does leave you in a tough spot, doesn't it? You see your daughter doing things that don't seem to be in her best interests, she isn't interested in improving her life, and you are really uncomfortable with her around. I've been there, and I know how stressful and sad and infuriating that can be. Griz is absolutely spot-on with her insights, and the way she's been dealing with this issue is perfect!

Before my son's treatment got him to the point where he started feeling better about himself enough where he got out of that kind of a "funk", it was really hard for me to deal with his behavior, also. Luckily I found this site right after he was diagnosed and started treatment for the BPD, and I read all I could around here to try to figure out how to deal with him. One thing that made a huge difference in helping my stress levels was Radical Acceptance for family members.

Once I got to the spot where I could radically accept that he was who he was, his mind worked the way it worked, and he wasn't doing these things to make my life a shambles, it really did make things easier for me. And when I let that stuff "go" it somehow freed my son from having to feel defensive around me, and it sure did help our relationship. And it gave him the breathing space to eventually come to the place where he "cleaned up his act" so to speak. All I know is that I was so tired of carrying the burden of being embarrassed and angry at him for behaviors that I realized I had no control over, anyway!

I'm wondering if you've had the chance to check out any of the TOOLS or LESSONS to the right-hand margin of this Board yet? That's where the Validation techniques Griz mentions are, that we can learn to use with our kids, and use to help our own selves, and it's really worth a peek. I know it stinks to feel the way you do about your daughter's behaviors; I've been there and didn't think I would ever have my life back again, where I could spend the time thinking about my own needs and activities, without having my son's troubles dominate my every waking minute. It still amazes me that it is possible to get to that better place!

I hope that you have the chance to check that link (above) out, and also the ones to the right-hand margin of this page... .Nothing can magically "fix" everything right away, and I do know that our child with BPD has to get to the place where she knows she needs help, and then gets it, before true recovery can begin. We cannot change our kid, but we can change the way we understand her and deal with her... .and most times that will change the way she reacts to us, and things can start to get better.

You say she left for a month; does that mean that she lives with you now? Are there any other family members in your home? You say that we won't go to Therapy at this time; have you ever thought of getting any type of counseling yourself? I have gone to Therapy since my son's diagnosis, and I have to say that it really helped me a lot... .