Where is my life going?

[sophiegirl]

I am going through a bad time at the moment - just tired and exhausted. After putting more boundaries into effect and doing more what I want to do, mother just gets a stick, pokes it through the bars and stabs me in the heart when I'm least expecting it. She is 88 and I'm supposed to be her caregiver but I am struggling to focus on anything at the moment, my brain seems to have shut down, it has been a really tough year. My career is suffering, my health is, I know I have to press the pause button and sort my life out but I have no idea how. Mother moved in 5 years ago , before that I had minimal contact with her and enjoyed a spontaneous free lifestyle, now I just feel like I'm trapped in jail by this black cloud that always hangs over me. Part of me feels sorry for her, she really is a miserable person and living that way must be awful. I want her to be happy but frankly I know that's never ever going to happen if anything she is getting worse.

at the moment I feel like I would like to quit my job, shut myself away from the outside world and paint, doesn't pay the bills though! I just don't know what to do with my life... .ideas welcome.

[Up In the Air]

Hi sophiegirl!

I am so sorry you're struggling with life right now. For two years I took care of my grandma - she wasn't BPD, but it was very hard so I can understand at least a little of what you're going through! It's so easy, just from a caregiver viewpoint, to give so much of yourself that you end up saving nothing for yourself - that's what happened to me! It was exhausting!

Are you seeing a therapist? When I started suffering from anxiety and depression when my BPD MIL was bullying me, I sought out a therapist who ended up being an incredible life coach and she helped me with the aspects of my life that were suffering because of the situation I was in with my MIL. I think it's so common for the BPD in our lives to be an energy-sucker and it's hard to focus on other aspects of life that are important to us.

Maybe you could look at your goals - it sounds like you know that you want different things for your life. Once you decide on which ones you want to work on, you could find ways to achieve them and start that positive change in your life? Maybe saying to yourself - 'okay, Tuesdays and Fridays are going to be MY nights' and then use that time to join a yoga class, a church group, catch up with friends, or take yourself to a movie or shopping. You mentioned painting - are you interested in focusing on your painting and using some time to put your work in galleries or list it on websites like Etsy? Then maybe over time you can fully supplement your job and be doing what you love!

I don't know your full situation, or how much care your mom needs. When I was caring for my grandma, I ran a massage therapy business full-time. When I was overwhelmed, I decided to enlist the help of others. So my mom would come over and watch grandma once a week while I went with friends to volunteer at church. It gave me the personal time away that I needed, but I didn't feel guilty about leaving grandma alone since my mom was there. Is there a sibling, relative, friend, or neighbor who would be willing to care for your mother while you do something for yourself? I used to work for a home health company - perhaps another option could be your mother paying to have a 'companion' come in to stay with her/care for her (you'd have to check for payment/prices/medicare, etc).

If nothing else, take time for you! Get a massage, go for a walk, take a bubble bath. It's so easy to put off, but it's so important to make sure YOUR needs are getting met too!

[Contradancer]

Take a deep, cleansing breath.  Then sort things out sensibly before taking the first step.  I've been there with both a BPD husband and mother, so your difficulties with career and health are something I can honestly say I can understand.

Of course she's poking at you as it's a form of control.  My brother said that it's like my mother has a knife in my back and she likes to twist it so she can show me how much she has power over me.  I've developed a thick skin and remind myself that her desire to inflict pain or control me says every pitiful thing about her and absolutely nothing about me.  It's not easy, however.  Mothers aren't supposed to be horrid to their children, right?

Best wishes.

[GeekyGirl]

at the moment I feel like I would like to quit my job, shut myself away from the outside world and paint, doesn't pay the bills though! I just don't know what to do with my life... .ideas welcome.

Up In the Air asked some great questions and gave you some sage advice.  Are you working with a therapist? It's quite possible that you're not in the job that's right for you, but it's also possible that the stress you've been going through is making you feel this way.

Painting can be very relaxing and therapeutic (I'm love painting as well, and I hear you about wishing it paid the bills!). Is that something you can do on a regular basis? What have you tried so far to relieve the stress in your life?

[sophiegirl]

Thanks for the replies, at the moment I go out cycling on a Sunday for the morning. Overwelmed really describes the situation 'upintheair'. I have a reasonably high stress job in a profession I've been in for over 20 years. I am loath to give it up, and if I do it will feel like she's won and i'll never hear the end of.

[GeekyGirl]

Overwelmed really describes the situation 'upintheair'. I have a reasonably high stress job in a profession I've been in for over 20 years. I am loath to give it up, and if I do it will feel like she's won and i'll never hear the end of.

 I know that feeling of being overwhelmed. That's not a good feeling at all.

I'm curious, though, from what you said: do you want to stay in this job because it brings you satisfaction (along with the stress) or because you're worried about your mother's reaction? While I certainly understand why you'd want to stick it out for your own sense of accomplishment (I'm also in a high-stress job), you're ultimately the one who has to be satisfied--not your mother. 

[sophiegirl]

I really don't know. That's very perceptive! I have problems dealing with failure and being perceived as a failure which I'm sure is due to my childhood as I always tried so hard to make mother happy. Looking back over time I am probably a high achiever but only because failure is not an option. Though what will happen if I fail? nothing really. I have grabbed the reigns and applied for another job in a related field. so lets see!

[sophiegirl]

I used to love my work but stress at home and stress in the office is too much to cope with.

[ursulajane]

Hello Sophiegirl,

   I feel your pain and from previous posts I know you can relate as my 90 yo mother lives with us. I am grateful that right now she is in a quiet place so I can at least function but it indeed "life on the edge." 

  I, too, have spent my entire life trying to make my mother happy.  Never worked... .still doesn't.  Interestingly enough I have been feeling better since one of my sisters sent me a photo she found of us 3 girls when I was about 4 1/2. I looked at that little girl smiling ---she was chubby but so sweet looking.

  I stared at that picture for a LONG time ---trying to reconnect with that young version of me.  I realized that I thought I had gained weight when my younger sister was born because my mother was too busy with the baby and gave me extra cookies to soothe me and keep me entertained.  But I now realize that I was using food as a source of comfort from my "life" long before my sister was born.  There is no way I could have gained that much weight in 3 months.  I have been dealing with my mother and not getting unconditional maternal love since before I can remember.

  I saved that photo as the wallpaper on my cell phone.  I look at it every time I use my phone and I remember that sweet little girl and I remind myself that she deserves better than she got or is currently getting from her mother.  I talk to her and let her know she/we are ok.  It has helped me to accept myself more and just let my mother's negativity and spiteful comments roll off my back.  I still have my moments but they are less often right now and less intense.  Didn't know if it would help you to find a photo of you when you were young and innocent to focus on to help you not have to focus on your mother. 

  Take any moment you can for yourself and breathe in.  You have done well to care for her.  You can still care for her but now you HAVE to really take care of you.  They won't change but we can! 

[sophiegirl]

thanks Ursulajane. I'll try that