Promises?

[bluebell7]

Are you accused of braking promises you didn't make?

Are things you say -taken as a promise, when they were just conversational? 

Or

Is it nearly impossible for your BPD to either make or keep the promises?

For my daughter this goes back to her youth. She doesn't trust me and won't commit to anything.  She doesn't believe I'll follow through on things I say, or she believes that we have different understandings of the things we agree to do.  For her promising anything will lead to failure, no matter what. 

But she also doesn't commit to do things she needs to do for herself!

Just wondering if others have that experience, too.  It contributes to the chaos and arguments in our house... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Are you accused of braking promises you didn't make?

Are things you say -taken as a promise, when they were just conversational? 

Or

Is it nearly impossible for your BPD to either make or keep the promises?

For my daughter this goes back to her youth. She doesn't trust me and won't commit to anything.  She doesn't believe I'll follow through on things I say, or she believes that we have different understandings of the things we agree to do.  For her promising anything will lead to failure, no matter what. 

But she also doesn't commit to do things she needs to do for herself!

Just wondering if others have that experience, too.  It contributes to the chaos and arguments in our house... .

When I say "let me think about it" DD always assumes that means yes and says "you said"

[Rapt Reader]

Is it nearly impossible for your BPD to either make or keep the promises?

For her promising anything will lead to failure, no matter what. 

But she also doesn't commit to do things she needs to do for herself!

Just wondering if others have that experience, too.  It contributes to the chaos and arguments in our house... .

Hi, bluebell7 

I don't have the problem of my BPDson36 not trusting me or my Husband (his Dad); actually one of his problems throughout his life has been his trusting nature regarding friends and strangers who ended up abusing that trust and causing him many problems and hurt feelings.

However, he does have the other problems you mention: not being able to follow-through with his promises to us, and then a terrible fear of disappointing us/fear of failure after he makes those promises. In fact, I've found that he does better at accomplishing things if he doesn't make that promise at all in the first place! He's been in treatment for his BPD since March/April of this year, and is now getting better at following through with things he needs to do, but is also mindful of not talking about what he has to do, too much--he realizes he can done things done more quickly and better if he doesn't "put it into words."

He says he doesn't know why--except for the fear of failure, and the pain of disappointing people when he doesn't "measure up"--but he is better at accomplishments when he just gets it done. Now, of course, he still doesn't get some things done quick enough for us, his parents (most of the time; sometimes he's great), but all of us realizing this problem he has, has helped. He works harder at trying to stay on task all the way to completion, and his Dad and I try to not verbalize or push him too much. We're all getting better at it, but it has taken lots of therapy and treatment for him, and learning about BPD for us, for us all to get to this happier place... .

[crazedncrazymom]

I see that a lot with my dd.  I don't think it's as prevalent as it when she was younger.  For instance, if you clean your room we will go to McDonalds.  Well, she didn't clean her room and would call me a liar because I didn't take her to McDonalds.  Maybe she only heard We will go to McDonalds. 

I also saw on her latest psych eval that she says I lie and blame her a lot.

-crazed

[TiredMama]

This is a constant source of conflict between me and my daughter. She can be so convincing that I've doubted my own recollection. I find myself punctuating every discussion with a 'recap.' "Ok, just so I'M clear... ." and then repeating whatever was said. Her memory is very selective. 

I went so far as purchasing a whiteboard to write things down. She accuses me of changing the board around for my benefit. It can be a losing battle. 

[js friend]

Yes dd does this a lot and has a really good memory for recalling conversations where I have supposedly said i would do things.

If she is intersted in something and I say something like... .i will have to see, and let you know... .(due to work or financies) dd will swear blind later that I promised that I would do it. Recently it happened when dd asked me to Gd. I said I would check and get back to her, but dd took this to mean I would.The following week she was adamant that I said I would babysit her... .and made a whole song and dance that she was now stuck and had no-one to look after her

I think often she has already made her mind up that it will happpen. The senario is already playing out in her mind so she has convinced herslelf that it will happen, and so doesnt want to hear that it wont.

[Bracken]

Hi,

Yes - we have always had a problem with our D saying: "You promised --"

And often, it was about something that we mentioned casually, or as a possibility - but with her, it is as if we signed some contract in blood!

And yes - though she is extremely concerned with "promises" that she thinks were made to her - she is very unreliable and unconcerned about promises she makes to us. (Though she is generally somewhat better with everyone else in the world, except us her parents.)

Her unreliability is a big problem we deal with. Not only does she not keep promises to us - and not try to be reliable or responsible - but she constantly goes to the opposite extreme. By that I mean: she continually threatens us with breaking very important promises. For example, she is constantly threatening or pretending to be quitting school. Another example of this sort of thing - at the ultimate level - is the suicidal talk and behaviour. Sometimes the suicidal stuff is all too sincere - but sometimes it is not - and it's a  kind of manipulation that she does to us.