Just Fried a Circuit ~ Turtle Closure More Important Than Mine?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i was searching my computer files for a certain software and stumbled onto a copy i'd made of her facebook page a long time ago.  skimmed thru it a bit, surprisingly detached ~ til i read where she'd posted (abt a month b4 i met her) the family turtle from her childhood had died and:

"... .those of you who know *"MyPetTurtle", gimme some love! , *"MyPetFriend" can you believe he's gone? and I didn't even get to say goodbbye.  one last farewell before he (she) departed from us   "

[*the names have been changed to protect the innocent]

how much can you love a TURTLE people?  seriously. of all the times i begged and pleaded (sometimes quite desperately, as if my life depended on it) for repair and/or closure with my xBPDgf and never got it... .  and what abt the time i wrote a 3 page heartfelt closure letter and left it at her door - then we got back together and during the 'together phase' i found it months later and she'd never even OPENED it?

well, it's just disturbing to think a damn turtle had a bigger place in her heart than ME.   that gives me a whole new understanding to the term "disordered".  that her need to get closure from a TURTLE was more important than MY need to get closure from my soulmate (yep, that's what she called me and yep, i'm still shocked at her level of dishonesty and my level of gullability).

oh, and while i'm at it, i also saw her post on FB something funny i'd said to her, and she gave credit as "something a friend said to me".  that was posted TWO DAYS after professing she'd fallen deeply in love with me, and ONE DAY after seducing me.  but to the world i was "just a friend".  a flipping nameless one, at that!

ok, it is what it is.  she's the poster child for "disordered".  now, what do we call this?  am i "progressing" or "ruminating".

[ucmeicu2]

i was searching my computer files for a certain software and stumbled onto a copy i'd made of her facebook page a long time ago.  skimmed thru it a bit, surprisingly detached ~ til i read where she'd posted (abt a month b4 i met her) the family turtle from her childhood had died and:

"... .those of you who know *"MyPetTurtle", gimme some love! , *"MyPetFriend" can you believe he's gone? and I didn't even get to say goodbbye.  one last farewell before he (she) departed from us   "

[*the names have been changed to protect the innocent]

how much can you love a TURTLE people?  seriously. of all the times i begged and pleaded (sometimes quite desperately, as if my life depended on it) for repair and/or closure with my xBPDgf and never got it... .  and what abt the time i wrote a 3 page heartfelt closure letter and left it at her door - then we got back together and during the 'together phase' i found it months later and she'd never even OPENED it?

well, it's just disturbing to think a damn turtle had a bigger place in her heart than ME.   that gives me a whole new understanding to the term "disordered".  that her need to get closure from a TURTLE was more important than MY need to get closure from my soulmate (yep, that's what she called me and yep, i'm still shocked at her level of dishonesty and my level of gullability).

oh, and while i'm at it, i also saw her post on FB something funny i'd said to her, and she gave credit as "something a friend said to me".  that was posted TWO DAYS after professing she'd fallen deeply in love with me, and ONE DAY after seducing me.  but to the world i was "just a friend".  a flipping nameless one, at that!

ok, it is what it is.  she's the poster child for "disordered".  now, what do we call this?  am i "progressing" or "ruminating".

[ShadowDancer]

I love my iguana. Buwana Iguana is over 25 years old.

The sky is not falling... .we are ascending.

[ScotisGone74]

Reading this post I remembered something.  My exBPD had her pet miniature snowser in her arms one time I told her that she treated that dog better than she did me and she said something pretty telling in return, "At least I know he won't leave me".   No matter how much we loved them, did, or said that is their over riding fear above all I do believe. 

[ShadowDancer]

No matter how much we loved them, did, or said that is their over riding fear above all I do believe. 

BINGO!

[Jbt857]

Not sure if it's relevant but... .Why were you making copies of her fb?

And, you know, my cat is 18. She's is old and sick and I'm deeply attached to her. That attachment came with time, and probably my own abandonment/codependent issues. I'm an introverted only child. She has been a constant in my life through a lot of crap.

Just because someone dearly loves a pet doesn't equate to BPD.

Now, not giving you closure - yes, that's typical BPD, but the two things do not necessarily make a logical equation or have any correlation.

If it helps, I think my BPDexh *probably* reads the letters I sent in the past. But he didn't give me any closure anyway. Even if your ex had read it, doesn't mean she would/could register the pain she has caused you. Let alone do anything about it.

[ucmeicu2]

Reading this post I remembered something.  My exBPD had her pet miniature snowser in her arms one time I told her that she treated that dog better than she did me and she said something pretty telling in return, "At least I know he won't leave me".   No matter how much we loved them, did, or said that is their over riding fear above all I do believe. 

scot, same here, almost verbatim.  exchange 'cat' for 'schnauzer'.  she doted on that cat and sometimes gave the cat the love i thought i should be getting... .jealous of a cat, pathetic,  HA!

on the somewhat rare days of letting her cat go outside, it was always tied on a leash, so it couldn't get away.  i imagine the cat might have run away if it could have.  wow, i remember the cat hiding from her, her calling manically room to room,a neverending search until target acquired.  the cat was the equivalent of a baby's pacifier!  sometimes her expression of love towards the cat could have been considered abusive (squeezing too tight, ripping fur balls out by handfuls instead of brushing or cutting them out when she was drunk, etc)

[ucmeicu2]

Not sure if it's relevant but... .Why were you making copies of her fb?

just a snapshot in time.  i was getting ready to unfriend her on FB.  it was part of my process of achieving NC ~ before i even knew what "NC" was... .i just knew she was destroying me and i had to detach, but detaching completely all at once was too painful.  i've detached enough now that now when i run on to that type of thing on my computer, i usually delete.  this one just got under my skin and seemed noteworthy so i posted about it.  maybe i was wrong, 

And, you know, my cat is 18. She's is old and sick and I'm deeply attached to her. That attachment came with time, and probably my own abandonment/codependent issues. I'm an introverted only child. She has been a constant in my life through a lot of crap.

well, yeah, that's interesting isn't it.  warm furry things that give us love and affection, well most of us connect to them in a different way than turtles.  just sayin'.  

Just because someone dearly loves a pet doesn't equate to BPD. Now, not giving you closure - yes, that's typical BPD, but the two things do not necessarily make a logical equation or have any correlation.

oh, are you suggesting she might not have BPD?  not even open for discussion ~ she's professionally Dx'ed.

If it helps, I think my BPDexh *probably* reads the letters I sent in the past. But he didn't give me any closure anyway. Even if your ex had read it, doesn't mean she would/could register the pain she has caused you. Let alone do anything about it.   

i think maybe i didn't make my point clear?  point was not that it's wrong to love a pet, point was she wanted to have been able to say goodbye to a PET (ie closure), but didn't give reciprocal respect in the HUMAN dept, ie when I needed to say goodbye to her, (ie "closure".  and not just any old human, but ME, The One, her Soulmate, the one she'd waited for her whole life.  i guess it just illustrates how narcissistic she was and how completely disordered her priorities and sensabilities.  

i don't even need closure from her anymore.  i now understand that she's severely mentally ill, disordered in thinking, and has the emotional maturity of a young child.  still, i do derive something from venting about her here from time to time.

[ucmeicu2]

I love my iguana. Buwana Iguana is over 25 years old.

of course, loving a pet is normal ~ i loved mine too, but not more than my SO.  not normal to love it more than you love the person you say is your Soulmate, The One, etc.  that's the epitome of Disordered Thinking, IMO.

then again, maybe it wasn't that she loved the cat more than me.  maybe it just shows how selfish, cold-hearted, immature and cruel she could be.  whatever it was, i'm still struggling to UNtraumatize myself from it.

[Jbt857]

Hi Ucmeicu,

No, wasn't suggesting your ex doesn't have BPD - just that the affection she demonstrated for her pet (and not you) didn't signify or indicate it. I know there's a whole heap more crazy to them than that.

Bear in mind, pets don't answer back. They don't have opinions. They are harder to paint black. They wouldn't understand withholding affection or the BPD acknowledging their faults. So it's still not a 'like for like' (pet vs you) thing, IMO. You do react. You can be manipulated. You can be controlled with emotional games in ways an animal can't.

So, don't sweat the pet stuff. It's not an indicator of how she felt about you. Love for the pet vs love for you are separate things. (Although what you said in your later post about how she treats her cat has me concerned for the poor cat). She differentiates between the two. She can't emotionally wound the cat. You, on the other hand, she can... .So I don't think you and the cat are in the same ball park, regards what she can do for one, and not the other. 

Keep healing.

[Findingmysong723]

My Ex loved his cats a lot, he rescued them from his complex, they were strays. He actually wanted to adopt but he didn't get approved. I remember him telling me he was so lonely that he decided to get a pet, so I do believe that since animals give your unconditional love and don't leave you, they are safe to love. I remember he would tell them how much he loved them when we were all sitting on the couch, I swear I felt it was a snub at me. He told me how much he wanted to love me, that I hadn't given him my heart etc etc, so it hurt to hear him say it to a pet and not me! However, I believe that it wouldn't of mattered if he said he was in love with me or not, because he doesn't know what love is!

[ucmeicu2]

No, wasn't suggesting your ex doesn't have BPD - just that the affection she demonstrated for her pet (and not you) didn't signify or indicate it. I know there's a whole heap more crazy to them than that.  <cut>  (Although what you said in your later post about how she treats her cat has me concerned for the poor cat). <cut> Keep healing.

ah, thanx for the clarification ~ everything you said makes perfect sense now.  oh, and don't worry about the cat, it's safe for now ~ xBPDgf got sent to prison for a couple years for felony DUI's and prob vio's after our b/up.  ya know, THAT is the only way i can be relaxed around my town b/c i don't have to worry about running into her!

btw, i will toot my own horn for a minute here whilst at the same time giving others hope abt "recovery" (i've seen other threads people worried this suffering will never end):  she wrote to me from prison 3.5 months ago begging me to write her or call her collect, how much she loves me, misses me, how sorry she is for the way she compromised "us", is full of shame and guilt-ridden, how precious i am to her blah blah ~ i mean she said everything a Non could probably ever want to hear post b/up (!) and i'm proud to say i've kept NC.

[bewildered2]

that her need to get closure from a TURTLE was more important than MY need to get closure from my soulmate (yep, that's what she called me and yep, i'm still shocked at her level of dishonesty and my level of gullability).

her needs are all that are important to her.

your needs are irrelevant (to her) because she is consumed with hers.

closure? she wants to keep the circuit open... .just in case she needs it... .

she is diagnosed with BPD... .so if you read the books ("i hate you dont leave me" then you will understand her behavior.

sorry for your pain, but it will ease with time.

b2 

[Jbt857]

Ucmeicu,

That is amazing. You really do deserve some kudos for keeping nc.

My BPDexh is currently a one man petty crime spree, from what I understand. He is heading the way of your ex. In his mind, I drove him to it. I had to contact him this week regarding our divorce, and the 'I'm in one police station, to the next' was one of his lines.

It hurts to see someone you care for waste their life like that. I had to fight every sense to stop myself reaching out to try and 'save' him.  :'( And if I'm honest, I'd love to get the validation you have, even if I know deep down it's actually just a cry for help, rather than any kind of genuine remorse. Sigh. I still have so far to go.

Keep at it, you're doing amazingly well!

[doubleAries]

This kinda hits home a little bit for me too. My ex is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features, NPD and ASPD. I basically lived in the silent treatment for 18 years. He was cold and uncaring about any of my issues at all--even accusing me of getting a hysterectomy just so I could be the center of attention and telling me getting my teeth fixed was "wasting money". He believed I was trying to dominate him via room temperature.

But the DOGS---oh, now here's a different story! He'll get down on the floor and roll around with the dogs, actually kiss them, talk baby talk to them, buy them treats and gifts every time he leaves the house for more than 5 minutes.

So what's the deal? Not that hard to understand really when you step back from the pain of rejection and rudeness for a moment. I spent a long time seething and resentful about it. My T finally put it succinctly, in a way I could finally understand, when he explained: "people with mental illness are not capable of the sincere and genuine emotional interaction required of an intimate relationship. You don't have intimate relationships with dogs or other pets. Pleasurable interaction, yes. Emotionally intimate, no. The pet interactions are not complex interactions. With humans it is. He's not capable of that." (and he should know--ex is also his client)

When I stopped taking it so personal, I actually felt some sympathy for him. But being a human, not a pet, I want more out of a relationship than sympathy. So I left.

[guitargrl]

I just had to respond to this post because my exBPD made me crazy with his obsession over loving animals ( I understand loving animals is great and all but this was crazy) He got a cat during one of our breakups and I am severely allergic….this was a terrible thing for me because this was only a year into our relationship and I knew I would never be able to go stay at his house etc …but he would be angry that I didn't come to his house… I would try and within mins would be sneezing and wheezing and miserable but I tried to make him happy…because this cat made him happy, not just happy, he was obsessed!  I myself have a little non shedding poodle…and when he would come to my house all he would think about is the dog…holding it, loving all over it, and just completely unable to connect with me but oddly obsessed with the dog.  I found myself jealous of these animals because he was so nice to them and treated me like dirt.  He would be so mean to me if I even slightly raised my voice at the dog if he was doing something bad….yet the ex would cuss me out and treat me so terrible…then he decided he would be vegan... ha ha.  Once he came over after spending his silent treatment week watching videos on Buddhism and the dali lama…… within hours the was freaking out, cussing me out, and saying the most mean things I have ever heard.  Just crazy stuff…. I can't believe that I miss that!

[Ironmanrises]

The turtle she showed that compassion for was something that would not trigger her disorder. That is why she was able to show all of that for a reptile. You unfortunately due to your intimate relationship, through no fault of your own, triggered her disorder. I know it hurts having to see something like that. There was no fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment with the turtle. With you, us, me, that fear of abandonment and engulfment, the bane of us Nons, was going to be unleashed regardless, sooner or later. Hang in there Uceme.