Grrr.. "teen mom" Again

[Turkish]

She's in another city close by. Spending the night to party with her friend (not the bf who's not a bf according to her, but another long time friend). She called to wish the kids good night. S3 started asking her, "come home!" She actually replied, verbatim, "Mommy's taking time for herself, ok?" He kept repeating, "come home!" She repeated it again. I finally interjected, "Mommy will be home tomorrow morning, ok?" And TM repeated this. S3 kind of zoned out, but I got them to say good night. D1 was just trying to hack the phone the whole time. She thanked me and hung up.

I mean, really. Even if true, and as parents some of us need more "times to ourselves" than others, you freaking don't SAY it to your kids, especially a 3 year old who can't possibly understand.

I am going to talk to her about it when she comes home. Demonstrating selfishness to them. Not acceptable. She will likely bring up my times away... .which were exactly twice in the past year+, on a weeknight, so I was there one morning, and saw them the next evening after work. Those 1 nighters were separated by months. They actually only missed me 1 morning each time, where I would normally see them before I went to work.

Two other times, I did have to go away for two nights, but it was out of town to help my mother because she didn't have any water in the house. So me and a buddy spent time in the dirt doing a hack plumbing job. Other than that? Zip. No overnighters. Only two other times 7:30-5 for personal training classes on a Sat-Sun, and I spent time with them both evenings and saw them in the morning before I left. I certainly didn't say "I need daddy time for myself."

[starshine]

I know it's difficult to co-parent with someone who has no emotional maturity.  I don't know if I would address it with her- like you said, she will just dump it all back on you.  Maybe you could try positive reinforcement and reframe it- saying how quickly S3 was able to settle down once TM told him she would be back in the morning.  I think it's also ok for her to say that she is visiting a friend and she will be back in the morning.  Telling S3 that she needs time for herself, though,  has no point of reference to a 3 year old.

[Turkish]

I know it's difficult to co-parent with someone who has no emotional maturity.  I don't know if I would address it with her- like you said, she will just dump it all back on you.  Maybe you could try positive reinforcement and reframe it- saying how quickly S3 was able to settle down once TM told him she would be back in the morning.  I think it's also ok for her to say that she is visiting a friend and she will be back in the morning.  Telling S3 that she needs time for herself, though,  has no point of reference to a 3 year old.

exactly.  She's close to him in maturity than I  am and doesn't get this obvious fact.  She might as well say "I don't love you."  a  friend of mine put it right about her so many years ago... .  that she isn't as smart as she thinks she is.  it isn't exactly arrogance,  it's more like she searches for wisdom but didn't practice it.  maybe less time reading pop psychology and more time reading really childhood developmental  and attachment issues,  which she knows she freaking had.

Thanks.  it's nice talking to an adult.

[Ironmanrises]

Even when you broach the subject with her, which you have every right in doing so, how much if any of that, will she actually understand? She will probably think you are attacking her, and react accordingly to that distorted perception. If so, try and not get baited into that trap. I know its hard.

[starshine]

Yeah, but it seems that everything they read about gets twisted in their system, so that it all comes back to being our fault, as the non's in the relationship.  I tried so many different approaches with my un/BPDexbf.  I hear I'm  a pretty fun person and I'm good at reframing things.  I have access to a lot of positive behavioral psychology technology, and although it worked for many years, once I was painted black, that was it.  It is MY fault, don't you know.   


I agree with what Ironman says, she will probably think you are attacking her.  Good luck on holding the space for a mature discussion with TM. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Turkish, that sounds extremely frustrating. I agree it's hard to deal with somebody who acts like a three year old instead of the adult they are. I just wanted to scream "GROW UP!" sometimes when I was with my exBPDgf.

However, if it is important to you, please make sure you brush up on some DEARMAN communication skills. It's no guarantee that you'll break through to your wife or whether she'll live up to her word if you get her to agree. But at least this way you have some chance.

Hang in there.  

[Turkish]

I talked to her about it this morning (thanks, starshine, I used your phrase, "no point of reference for a 3 year old". I told her she might as well have said, "I don't love you," and that's how he would hear it, and that he was visibly upset. X started almost crying and said, "thank you for telling me that, you are right."

These high-functioning ones are often more frustrating in some ways, but I guess I am lucky. They seem normal, but things like this demonstrate the lack of deep empathy.

Later, I was feeding S3 breakfast and she came in and said, ":)o you think I should apologize to S3?" (I felt like slapping my forehead at this point). "No, I said, just let it go, he certainly wouldn't understand that." Ok.

*sigh*