expwBPDgf sends a text

[TakingWingAtLast]

My expwBPDgf send me the following text:  Thank you for giving me my happiness back! 

She is having a great time getting back into dating after ending our 8 year relationship just two weeks ago.   Meanwhile the sleeplessness continues.    I'm mourning and she's dating and happy.  Please someone, tell me that its a facade.  The text really hit home.

D

[KE151]

My expwBPDgf send me the following text:  Thank you for giving me my happiness back! 

She is having a great time getting back into dating after ending our 8 year relationship just two weeks ago.   Meanwhile the sleeplessness continues.    I'm mourning and she's dating and happy.  Please someone, tell me that its a facade.  The text really hit home.

D

What an ___hole of a person this ex of yours. Count your blessings you got out.

I guess there are two possibilities:

1) She really feels happy because she is in the honeymoon period with the new vic. But don't worry, we all now this is temporary and she will get back to her miserable self pretty soon.

2)  She is utterly miserable and knows she has lost something great in you. She's desperately trying to get your attention and project her misery onto you.

Either way, she's gonna eventually end up in never-ending pain while you'll recover to be a truly happy person.

Good luck and don't let her distract you from your own healing.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Dpenderg, sorry to hear you're getting mean texts while your awake sleepless. I hope you can take solace in the fact that if she was truly happy, she wouldn't be wasting her time trying to put you down. That's NOT what happy contented people do!

She is mentally ill, you don't have to be. 

[Pretty Woman]

I have to agree with this.  She is not happy. She is trying to get a reaction to see if she still has her hooks in you. 

I did something stupid last night and emailed my ex since she blocked my number and FB. All she did was tell me how better off she was without me and being alone was better than dating.  She ripped into me and I fed into it with apologies(?) am I crazy?

She ended it with she does not want to be in my life and she was being compassionate in responding to me and it ruined her night. 

What? Compassion=blame?

Weird. 

Anyways try not to take it to heart and don't respond. 

[DownandOut]

Sounds like a real POS. I had a similar experience, just be happy youre out and try your best to move on because you wouldn't want to be with a person like that forever.

[strikeforce]

Dpenderg she is not happy. If she was she would go off quietly.

She is having a horrible time without you and is trying to make you feel some of that pain.

She is doing this simply to get your attention and get you to reply. She is seeking control over you.

BPDs are never happy.

[ShadowDancer]

Dpenderg she is not happy. If she was she would go off quietly.

She is having a horrible time without you and is trying to make you feel some of that pain.

She is doing this simply to get your attention and get you to reply. She is seeking control over you.

BPDs are never happy.

Text back, ":)ITTO AND YOUR WELCOME. DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN"

Then immediately change all contact information and sources. I did. Worked like a charm for me. I even moved. The tenants who rent my house told me she showed up at the door at 1:00 A.M. six months after the fact. When she asked for a forwarding address for me, per my instructions, they replied they had none. They said she looked "pissed". I just smiled.

Like they say... .what goes around comes around.  

[strikeforce]

Dpenderg she is not happy. If she was she would go off quietly.

She is having a horrible time without you and is trying to make you feel some of that pain.

She is doing this simply to get your attention and get you to reply. She is seeking control over you.

BPDs are never happy.

Text back, ":)ITTO AND YOUR WELCOME. DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN"

yep 

[peas]

That text looks like someone trying to spin failure. She knows the r/s failed but she is deluding herself into thinking it is the opposite, a win. It's a coping mechanism. She's upset and wants to you to pay for her disappointment. 

Also, after a breakup, we get intense feelings. For me, I noticed that right after my b/u I felt euphoric one minute that my ex was out of my life and flattened the next because my ex was out of my life. She probably texted you during an "up" moment. 

[HarmKrakow]

I have to agree with this.  She is not happy. She is trying to get a reaction to see if she still has her hooks in you. 

Ding ding ding ding ... .winner winner chicken dinner.

This hits home the full 100%.

[heartandwhole]

I'm mourning and she's dating and happy. 

I don't think so.  It seems that a pwBPD often doesn't grieve relationships like someone without BPD does.  The feelings of shame and loss are too much to handle.  Better to find a replacement, a soother, an emotion-regulator, ASAP (we "nons" do this too!).  It's really sad, because grieving is a normal, healthy response to a loss. 

If she were capable of grieving, she probably would be, but she obviously can't.

More importantly, how is your grieving going?   

[bpdspell]

It's not what they say; its what you respond to.

Her text is indicative of what an alternate reality she lives in and its intention was taking your temperature to see if you're ripe for the bait.

In my snarky days I'd respond by telling my ex: Well thank you for giving me back mines. Good Riddance!" But that's when I believed in texting terrorism.

If you don't care enough to respond it would really cook her grits. Engagement on their level is what they thrive off of.

But this is about you.

I always suggest to those on the Leaving Board to always bring back the power to yourself. The power is in your hands; not theirs. When we are dropped on our heads only to discover that the people we fell in love with were mentally ill the feelings are at an all time emotional high and there is an internal war of injustice, unfairness, wanting to fix them, wanting to recycle and sometimes feeling like the unluckiest person in the world.

Work through those feelings by posting on this board, seeing a therapist and taking care of yourself because a recycle will not do it. Your ex cannot fix what she has broken and she certainly can't fix herself.

Spell

[TakingWingAtLast]

Wow!   You are all amazing.  And so right.   I didn't respond to it at all.  I just let it hurt.   Been a tough morning because I was driving for 2.5 hours on only 4 hours of sleep.  I think I grieved about 1.5 hours of it, spent 30 minutes being angry, and the rest just kind of numb.   It's too bad I didn't sleep well, because I was in a real bed for the 1st time in two weeks. 

The irony is that she sent the note while I was with her son for his fraternity initiation.  To my surprise and delight, he actually joined my fraternity along with two of his good friends who spent many a night in our home.  He has decided to maintain our relationship for which I am eternally grateful.  We've been together for 8 of his 18 years.  And, as you can imagine, he has also been on the receiving end himself for a lot of dysfunction.  In fact, I have intervened with him and his mom on many occasions.  He, most unfortunately, occasionally intervened when his mom and I would get into it after she would invariably keep engaging me after I had stepped out of the situation by going to a different room.  She simply wouldn't leave me alone, despite our therapists telling her to stay away.  This always escalated and if he happened to be home, he could defuse it.  I have considerable guilt because of my inability to stop this cycling.  It was wholly unfair to him and his now 13 y/o sister to have to witness, much less intervene.  I am so sorry that I have done this to them.

But, of course, the expwBPD blamed all of that on me!  Nothing about violating my boundaries time and time again.  It was maddening.

And worst of all, I won't get to see my step daughter grow into adulthood.  I've known her since she was five, and it breaks my heart that I won't be in her life in any significant way.  I don't even have a way of communicating my love for her in any way.  And I truly fear that she will have a most difficult time in the next 5 years without someone to intervene between her and my expwBPD.  Luckily for her she has strongly identified with her Dad rather than my expwBPD. 

No, I'm not planning on reengaging with the expwBPD.  But we are in a relatively small Jewish community and everyone knows everyone else.  So, I will see her.   It's inevitable.  So, according to some documentation on this site, the NC cannot occur.  I would literally have to leave all of my friends and community to do so.  So, I have adopted not responding, or with minimal reply as if I was talking to a stranger.   So far, this has been better.   The communication that she sends is hurtful, but it also allows me to see the truth of it.  And I suspect it may help me heal faster.  Full NC would likely be seen by her as manipulative and punitive which would likely exacerbate the situation.

The main reason I agree with you is that I'm fairly certain I'm going to get the BIG card as the holidays approach.  The one where she says that she's suicidal.  She is also diagnosed bipolar and I understand now that there is a comorbidity with bipolar and BPD.  I thought that all this crap was bipolar, but my therapist (and all of you as a matter of fact), convinced me that it was BPD that was at work rather than the bipolar. 

This was the BIG card that ended the separation and had me scurrying back in no time at all.   She even did this to the guy that she was dating right before me!    I simply couldn't handle the guilt that was associated with not being there should she actually commit suicide.  For the record, my therapist and I have developed an action plan to deal with it should I get that call/text.  I will simply say that she should call her friends and Mom to help.   No more than than.

I'm sure that I'll get some validation and stupid satisfaction from getting such a call.  And I know that its probably not exactly healthy that I feel this way.   But I can forgive that.  It's only been two weeks after all since the r/s ended.  I haven't yet gotten to acceptance.  Been hanging with the depression and anger and a little denial for the time being.

The red flags were all there.  All I saw were pink flags with my rose colored glasses.  How does one forgive himself for never taking them off?

[allweareisallweare]

Some people can't bear to be alone! First, don't beat yourself up about not taking pink glasses off because you wanted this relationship to work like we all did - that just makes you compassionate because you were prepared to 'traverse' red-flags/incidents to try and make something work, but it's like battling back flames on a really large fire just gathering intensity - eventually, it will consume all in the path, sadly.

It annoys me that this person thinks that perhaps you're naive enough to think anyone with BPD can ever be stable never mind happy, when, of course, you're not, right? Because you have the awareness and perspective now to see it - and you will see it more clearer as time goes on - that you were working in the context of disorder. Remember, you're not the one with BPD - what does the pw mean there? I get lost on these things. Was the ex diagnosed or undiagnosed? The fact that mine was actually diagnosed has been one of the saving graces - that she's been categorically... .I hate to say this but it's true, I know it is - written-off from ever being in a stable relationship. As I said in previous posts, she rebounded after ten days, had herself in a FB profile picture with the replacement - I just feel intensely sad for her, not jealous or regretful. It was by far and away one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life, somebody 'publicly' humiliating themselves like that; so it gets worse - but stay strong, we got you!

[TakingWingAtLast]

It is indeed such a blessing for all of your responses.   They helped me immensely.  After I got them, I felt better right away. 

Allweareisallweare, she is undiagnosed to her because she left our therapy sessions before the therapist could tell her.  She switched therapists for the two of us, just the week before we broke up.  I suspect that might have very well been the rationale why this occurred so suddenly.  She was unable to hear that there was something going on beyond pwBipolar (diagnosed), which is apparently often comorbid with BPD. 

I'm trying very hard to stay strong.  At least last night I actually got some decent sleep as I would still woke up, but this time was able to get back to sleep.  In all nearly 9 hours, the most by far in three weeks. 

Thank YOU for "getting me".

[HarmKrakow]

I'm trying very hard to stay strong.  At least last night I actually got some decent sleep as I would still woke up, but this time was able to get back to sleep.  In all nearly 9 hours, the most by far in three weeks. 

Although we've might had our disagreements in the past, keep that going in regards of sleep.

Every recovery (mental/physical) starts with sleep.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Thank you HarmKrakow.  Very appreciated.

[LaSuede]

Dependerg,

pw = person with.

You are not a trait or a disorder, you are a person with it/having it.

Me too, I get lost in something almost every time at the forum.

SO?

DV = domestic violence? Right?

Upd?

Anyone?

I will make a shortcut note to myself.

Good sleep! Keep it up!

[ucmeicu2]

Dependerg,  pw = person with.

Me too, I get lost in something almost every time at the forum.

SO?   DV = domestic violence? Right?  Upd?

Anyone?

i know it's confusing at first.  this should help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

and a few i've picked up: 

IMO ~ in my opinion

YMMV ~ your mileage may vary

BTW ~ by the way

[TakingWingAtLast]

LaSuede,

I had the same problem myself and requested some help with it.  Go to this link to get all the abbreviations down:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

D

Dependerg,

pw = person with.

You are not a trait or a disorder, you are a person with it/having it.

Me too, I get lost in something almost every time at the forum.

SO?

DV = domestic violence? Right?

Upd?

Anyone?

I will make a shortcut note to myself.

Good sleep! Keep it up!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Ah, I see that someone got to it first!

[Discovery]

My expwBPDgf send me the following text:  Thank you for giving me my happiness back! 

She is having a great time getting back into dating after ending our 8 year relationship just two weeks ago.   Meanwhile the sleeplessness continues.    I'm mourning and she's dating and happy.  Please someone, tell me that its a facade. 

Dpenderg,

YES, it's a FACADE. No healthy, well and authentically happy person has ANY NEED whatsover to do something so obviously hurtful. I think about what people say about bullies... .they act superior and treat people poorly because inside they are hurting.

People who are well-balanced, and genuinely happy have NO NEED whatsoever to treat others unkindly. This text just shows how insecure she is that she feels she needs to "show you" that she's happy. SHE IS NOT HAPPY. She's hiding from the truth and in denial.

It feels really personal when they do this CHILDISH stuff, but please do *not* believe, for a second, that she is happy. SHE IS NOT HAPPY. She has all kinds of messed up stuff repressed and denied and she's trying to pretend all is well (to herself and not just to you).

You are mourning, because you are not shutting off or shutting down your normal human emotions. It feels horrible, it's wrenching, and I know you just want the pain to stop. You are *courageous* to let yourself FEEL. Each time you allow those feeling waves to wash over you, know that you are a courageous person. It feels like you are drowning, but you are reaching out and you are aware.

I wish you sleep and rest when it comes. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling everything you are feeling. You are having a normal, healthy response to a severe emotional trauma. Be very very gentle with yourself.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Dpendergn,

I want you to know two things:  1) This ending may be very painful and it may not end as quickly as you would like.  2) It will end.

It's Nov. 24th, 2013 and I am happy, my life is peaceful and though I am at peace with the ending of my relationship.  Nov. 24th, 2012 I wanted to die.  I cried daily.  She made no action that ever made me feel less than awful.  I wanted to die.  I wanted her to understand what she was "doing" to me.  I do not feel any of those things today.  For a moment I will feel sadness for having to endure that.  But now I know it's a blessing.  I now know I can survive anything and that this person was way too important to me.  But conversely her behavior allowed me to search deeply in myself and see things like:  Times I fell short in past relationship; times where I behaved in ways that failed to meet the expectations of the other person; when even I knew I was not behaving my best but at the time it was the best I could do.  Now hopefully you are not perfect because then it would be more difficult to understand what I am saying.  Now to answer  your question as to whether it's a façade?  I have no idea.  She probably does not even have an idea.  What I have learned from my experience is this:


1)  An element of all relationships ending is suffering.  Everyone suffers though it may be at different times

2)  She may feeling anger when you feel sadness; you may be happy when she is suffering.

3) Generally people who are having a great time are to busy having a great time to take the time to text you.

4)  Remember a BPD can cycle through intense emotions minute by minute.  Their emotions tend to swing back and forth to extremes.  So in that one moment she could be having a great time and an hour later could be feeling the opposite. 

5)  My opinion is though you admit your Ex is BPD you have not accepted it yet.  It's a place that over time, provided you are honestly focused on your own healing will arrive.  She most likely has an extreme fear of rejection and abandonment.  For  many the best defense is a good offense.  Reject you before you reject me.  You may think "I never rejected her".  From her perception/delusion you may have and YOU CANT CHANGE THAT!

When you are ready to heal you can block her texts and phone calls.  You will survive it.  It's not required but part of taking care of yourself is coming to terms where you are weak and where you are strong.  I had no defense on contact   from her when it came.  I have to remove it.  Though initially hard over time it quickly became a non- issue.

Final Point:  It's NOT personal she is sick.  Pray for her I will pray for you and this to will pass.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Discovery,

Thank you for your post.  And you are so right about everything you said.

And I plan on being gentle with myself.  Lots of therapy.  And I have already gone out dancing with a large group at a ball room dance club last night.  Went to a football game with a friend today.  I've been working out more.   All of these mitigate the pain.

It's just tougher at night, of course, when you have to take the time to feel the loss.  But I did, at least, sleep (albeit with waking up 3 times, but able to go back to sleep) last night, so I felt better today.  First night since before the r/s ended abruptly that I've slept ok.  

Lack of sleep really messes with my emotions.  They just come pouring out!  And I'm patently unproductive!

You are a blessing.  Thank you!  And thanks to everyone who shares their stories with us who are in such an acute crisis.  It has meant everything to me.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear OutsidetheHermit

I'm so happy for you that you are dealing with things better.  It is a comfort to me that there is hope past the pain I am experiencing.  My own crisis seems so similar to yours from Nov. 24, 2012. 

I'm definitely NOT happy, at least yet.  There are at times a feeling of peace though.  That's about as good as it gets at this point.  And you are so correct about your lists, except the part that I'm not accepting that she is pwBPD.  I have investigated the topic thoroughly, with primary literature in Neuroscience as well as with psychological journals that I have free access to.  This support forum has been nothing short of amazing with helping me understand both my emotions and my expwBPDs emotions.   I have been in therapy no less than 3 times a week since the r/s ended.  I have been made aware that bipolar disorder and BPD very often go hand in hand.  (I was not aware of that before!)  There is no doubt whatsoever that she is in fact, pwBPD and she was definitively diagnosed as a person living with bipolar disorder!   I had originally done NC, but upon the advice of both my therapist and in literature on this site and elsewhere, CC was the recommendation.  NC apparently would exacerbate the situation in her mind and probably cause more engagement rather than less.  So my responses are short (if any, and I didn't respond at all to this one).  They are designed to not cause any potential for significant engagement, and I have done that.  It was important that I am able to engage in a limited capacity because I will see her frequently because we share the same tennis group as well as a small Jewish community.

Thank you for your prayers.  I wish that she would deal with her issues for her sake (not mine), but it's no longer in my hands.   And I do not want the responsibility ever again!

D

Dpendergn,

I want you to know two things:  1) This ending may be very painful and it may not end as quickly as you would like.  2) It will end.

It's Nov. 24th, 2013 and I am happy, my life is peaceful and though I am at peace with the ending of my relationship.  Nov. 24th, 2012 I wanted to die.  I cried daily.  She made no action that ever made me feel less than awful.  I wanted to die.  I wanted her to understand what she was "doing" to me.  I do not feel any of those things today.  For a moment I will feel sadness for having to endure that.  But now I know it's a blessing.  I now know I can survive anything and that this person was way too important to me.  But conversely her behavior allowed me to search deeply in myself and see things like:  Times I fell short in past relationship; times where I behaved in ways that failed to meet the expectations of the other person; when even I knew I was not behaving my best but at the time it was the best I could do.  Now hopefully you are not perfect because then it would be more difficult to understand what I am saying.  Now to answer  your question as to whether it's a façade?  I have no idea.  She probably does not even have an idea.  What I have learned from my experience is this:


1)  An element of all relationships ending is suffering.  Everyone suffers though it may be at different times

2)  She may feeling anger when you feel sadness; you may be happy when she is suffering.

3) Generally people who are having a great time are to busy having a great time to take the time to text you.

4)  Remember a BPD can cycle through intense emotions minute by minute.  Their emotions tend to swing back and forth to extremes.  So in that one moment she could be having a great time and an hour later could be feeling the opposite. 

5)  My opinion is though you admit your Ex is BPD you have not accepted it yet.  It's a place that over time, provided you are honestly focused on your own healing will arrive.  She most likely has an extreme fear of rejection and abandonment.  For  many the best defense is a good offense.  Reject you before you reject me.  You may think "I never rejected her".  From her perception/delusion you may have and YOU CANT CHANGE THAT!

When you are ready to heal you can block her texts and phone calls.  You will survive it.  It's not required but part of taking care of yourself is coming to terms where you are weak and where you are strong.  I had no defense on contact   from her when it came.  I have to remove it.  Though initially hard over time it quickly became a non- issue.

Final Point:  It's NOT personal she is sick.  Pray for her I will pray for you and this to will pass.

[TakingWingAtLast]

To give you an example that I just got not 10 minutes ago:

expwBPD:   How was tennis?

me:  Didn't play.  It was a mistake

expwBPD:  Why?

me:  Steve wasn't actually scheduled.

End of conversation!  Any thing else that she says at this point would be ignored because she would have to bring up a new topic.  And she won't do that!   At least not yet, but it's certainly expected.  I'm not going to have any significant dialogue at all.  If she does, and I waiting for it, those will be ignored.

It is indeed MY responses that matter.

[Discovery]

It's just tougher at night, of course, when you have to take the time to feel the loss.  But I did, at least, sleep (albeit with waking up 3 times, but able to go back to sleep) last night, so I felt better today.  First night since before the r/s ended abruptly that I've slept ok. 

Lack of sleep really messes with my emotions.  They just come pouring out!  And I'm patently unproductive!

Dependerg,

It sounds like you are doing many things to honor yourself and take care of yourself. I did not sleep well for 4+ weeks... .I would find it VERY hard to fall asleep because as you say, you're laying there with your thoughts and then the reality of the loss is so overwhelming... .I felt like my whole being had been unplugged from a socket and I had no connection to myself anymore and could not find my grounding. I woke up every 2 or 3 hours with a pounding heart and a panic attack I could feel all over my body. I still wake like that some days, but can usually sleep 6 - 7 hours now. For me it has gotten better with time. It takes time to process the deep deep shock; it messes up all the body's rhythms and responses because you are in trauma.

As for the emotions pouring out... .they need to come out. The release through crying is actually a way that the body releases the build-up of cortisol (stress hormone) that has flooded you because of this huge emotional shock. It doesn't feel "good" when we're feeling all the pain and emotions, but we heal by allowing ourselves to feel the emotions and let them come through.

I also have been in therapy min. 2x/week for the past 5 weeks. It sounds like you have really good therapy support and that's so good that you are getting concrete specific advice on how to handle things as they unfold.

Keep doing all the good things you are doing  

[TakingWingAtLast]

Thank you for sharing your story.  It's helpful to see others on here with similar stories that can relate to my own unfolding drama.  It gives me more confidence that I will see the other side, eventually, instead of the current black hole I find myself in. 

[TakingWingAtLast]

Aha!   The expwBPD keeps asking about where I am going for Thanksgiving.  Am I playing tennis on Sunday.  She texted three times!  No response from me.  It's none of her business!

Gotta say that it was genuinely good for me to ignore those!

She finally called me.  I declined.  The only thing I responded to was that she has mail for me. 

Boundaries, my friends, boundaries.   You can do this.  It's empowering!  Your responses are the key here!

D

To give you an example that I just got not 10 minutes ago:

expwBPD:   How was tennis?

me:  Didn't play.  It was a mistake

expwBPD:  Why?

me:  Steve wasn't actually scheduled.

End of conversation!  Any thing else that she says at this point would be ignored because she would have to bring up a new topic.  And she won't do that!   At least not yet, but it's certainly expected.  I'm not going to have any significant dialogue at all.  If she does, and I waiting for it, those will be ignored.

It is indeed MY responses that matter.