This nightmare continues...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am struggling to believe that any of this is actually happening to me.I really cannot come to terms with it.I have not posted of late because so much crazy stuff has happened that i have actually been left too physically exhausted to type and too emotionally exhausted to actually construct the madness into a sentence that I could put on here.All I will say is that I have gone through what nons typically go through when BPD is at it's worst.I have been abused,slandered,been cheapened etc etc.

So this is how this nightmare started:Ex got in touch full of woe and remorse.He had been speaking to his therapist,saw the error of his ways... .missed me,missed us.long story short:I fell for it. .So we meet up and he tells me he has issues which mean he fears relationships and wants to be with me but is afraid he is going to hurt me in the future by lashing out.He opened himself up to me and like a fool I pitied him.He wanted us to start over and see a couples counsellor.Because i am stupid I decided to forget the crap that he put me through and remember the good times.HOW WRONG THIS WAS!

We met up a couple of times and we ended up in bed.WHY WHY WHY DID I DO THAT AFTER ONLY A FEW MEETINGS?I then find out that rather than wanting to take it slow because he feared intimacy he actually should have said "I want to take things slowly because I am chasing someone else and want to see how it goes with her".I found out from a friend of this girl that he has been pursuing her for some time and i was shown proof of this .I sent him a text "I think if you were wanting to engage in other relationships you maybe should have informed me so i could make a choice about sleeping with you".maybe this was wrong but I had to let him know that I knew.Well, this resulted in a fall out the likes of which I have never seen before: angry texts,accusations,painting me black to his friends and family.Portraying himself as the victim to MY friends.He has told his family they are no longer to speak to me.He accused me of stalking him on FB,told me I was the cause of his mental illness.I have had the most abusive text messages,people taking me off FB etc etc.And through all of this my voice isn't heard.I cannot tell people of his actions because to do so would be opening such a can of worms.I feel isolated and alone.I no longer know who to trust or, due to his lies, who trusts me.He texted me to say that I was hysterical,a liar,manipulative,I twisted his words,i was in the wrong.He told me people had warned him off me at the start because I was a "psycho".I have done none of the things he accused me of.None of them.I feel isolated and alone and whatever I say or do he turns around so I look like I have caused him all of this pain and distress.I cannot cope... .I am cracking under the pressure.I feel sick all of the time and I feel like my head is about to explode.My therapist has told me she has never handled a case where someone (me) has been the victim of such systematic and calculated abuse.A few days ago I contemplated actually taking my own life... .that's how painful all of this is.He has isolated me from everyone with his lies.And it seems to me that everyone is siding with him as he presents as so lovely and funny and charming to everyone else.I feel that those who know of what I have gone through don't believe me.Those who do don't care anymore as its become old news to them.Where is my support in all of this?Who do I turn to.I feel I have noone.I feel so alone in this and I just cannot handle the injustice of the whole thing.Everything that I did for him... .forgotten.The love I showed him... .twisted into something awful and controlling.The trust I placed in him... .betrayed.And I have been portrayed to so many as a horrible nasty woman.I can no longer cope.I do not know what to do,where to go,who to speak to.No one is listening to me.They are being swayed by his lies and distortions.I swear he has practically told folk that I am a perpetrator of domestic violence.It is not me,his vies is not me.Yet I find myself unable to fight this any more.I feel worthless.

[Nearlybroken]

I am struggling to believe that any of this is actually happening to me.I really cannot come to terms with it.I have not posted of late because so much crazy stuff has happened that i have actually been left too physically exhausted to type and too emotionally exhausted to actually construct the madness into a sentence that I could put on here.All I will say is that I have gone through what nons typically go through when BPD is at it's worst.I have been abused,slandered,been cheapened etc etc.

So this is how this nightmare started:Ex got in touch full of woe and remorse.He had been speaking to his therapist,saw the error of his ways... .missed me,missed us.long story short:I fell for it. .So we meet up and he tells me he has issues which mean he fears relationships and wants to be with me but is afraid he is going to hurt me in the future by lashing out.He opened himself up to me and like a fool I pitied him.He wanted us to start over and see a couples counsellor.Because i am stupid I decided to forget the crap that he put me through and remember the good times.HOW WRONG THIS WAS!

We met up a couple of times and we ended up in bed.WHY WHY WHY DID I DO THAT AFTER ONLY A FEW MEETINGS?I then find out that rather than wanting to take it slow because he feared intimacy he actually should have said "I want to take things slowly because I am chasing someone else and want to see how it goes with her".I found out from a friend of this girl that he has been pursuing her for some time and i was shown proof of this .I sent him a text "I think if you were wanting to engage in other relationships you maybe should have informed me so i could make a choice about sleeping with you".maybe this was wrong but I had to let him know that I knew.Well, this resulted in a fall out the likes of which I have never seen before: angry texts,accusations,painting me black to his friends and family.Portraying himself as the victim to MY friends.He has told his family they are no longer to speak to me.He accused me of stalking him on FB,told me I was the cause of his mental illness.I have had the most abusive text messages,people taking me off FB etc etc.And through all of this my voice isn't heard.I cannot tell people of his actions because to do so would be opening such a can of worms.I feel isolated and alone.I no longer know who to trust or, due to his lies, who trusts me.He texted me to say that I was hysterical,a liar,manipulative,I twisted his words,i was in the wrong.He told me people had warned him off me at the start because I was a "psycho".I have done none of the things he accused me of.None of them.I feel isolated and alone and whatever I say or do he turns around so I look like I have caused him all of this pain and distress.I cannot cope... .I am cracking under the pressure.I feel sick all of the time and I feel like my head is about to explode.My therapist has told me she has never handled a case where someone (me) has been the victim of such systematic and calculated abuse.A few days ago I contemplated actually taking my own life... .that's how painful all of this is.He has isolated me from everyone with his lies.And it seems to me that everyone is siding with him as he presents as so lovely and funny and charming to everyone else.I feel that those who know of what I have gone through don't believe me.Those who do don't care anymore as its become old news to them.Where is my support in all of this?Who do I turn to.I feel I have noone.I feel so alone in this and I just cannot handle the injustice of the whole thing.Everything that I did for him... .forgotten.The love I showed him... .twisted into something awful and controlling.The trust I placed in him... .betrayed.And I have been portrayed to so many as a horrible nasty woman.I can no longer cope.I do not know what to do,where to go,who to speak to.No one is listening to me.They are being swayed by his lies and distortions.I swear he has practically told folk that I am a perpetrator of domestic violence.It is not me,his vies is not me.Yet I find myself unable to fight this any more.I feel worthless.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, Nb. It's not fair nor right. 

When he continues his lying, cheating, BS behavior, people will eventually find out. Believe me, a house of cards can stand for a while but it will always collapse. The people who don't believe you don't deserve your friendship. Be fair and be willing to tell your side of the story to those who may be sympathetic, because you may be surprised that some know or suspect how messed up he is.

I knew my exBPDgf carried out the smear campaign on one of her exes before me, so when we broke up, I proactively reached out to some of the mutual friends that I cared about. Maybe I was just lucky but most were sympathetic. And now after time has passed and some things have happened, some of them realize how undependable she is and what a stand up guy I am.

Please don't believe or give credence to anything he says. He is disturbed and can't be trusted. You ARE somebody worthwhile that deserves more than he can ever give you. You might not feel that right now, and that's okay. Cry, be angry, hit pillows with a baseball bat, vent online or to receptive friends and family, do whatever you need to let it out in a non-destructive healthy manner -- let it out.

Do you have family or best friends who can just listen to you without judgement? Always feel free to post here whenever you need to as well. It's not the same as direct human contact, but sometimes we have to make do.

We're here, we'll listen, and we understand. Hang in there Nb. 

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for your words... .I just feel so so low at the minute.I have a few friends who i disclosed some things to but these are the very people who he is seeking to befriend now.Because I don't know exactly what he is saying to who,I feel unable to counter and defend myself.I am ashamed and isolated.I could never tell my family of this as it would be too upsetting for them.I just want this all to go away and I dont know whether I still love the "old"him or whether I just want so much not to be in this position but I am almost reluctant to disclose because this would mean that there would be no hope for us in the future.What is wrong with me?THERE IS NO HOPE.Why am a clinging to the "there has just been some mistake" false theory?Why do I think if i could just do or say the right thing then a magic wand will be waved?seriously,i am questioning my own mental health... .why do I want to make it better?I have never ever been on the receiving end of anything like this and it is consuming my life.He is always on my mind 24/7 ( and that is the truth).He plays in my head like a TV on in the background.I do not think i will ever get over this... .it has literally destroyed me and I see no recovery for me. :'(NB.x

[Jbt857]

 

You have us.

Sounds so similar to my own story. I've had a pretty dark week too. But today feels a little better.

'This too shall pass.'

It will. Hang in there. The other side of this awfulness isn't too far away. 

[Take2]

Nearlybroken... .

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru... .I can feel your pain in your words... .I know that isolating feeling of thinking he's convinced everyone else around you that it's you that is the crazy one.  I have felt this totally... .

I have questioned my own sanity multiple times - and having a therapist and friends who have known me my entire adult life has helped tremendously to remind me that it's NOT me.  They all know who you are.  And as stated already here, it's very likely that these other "friends" do suspect something is up with your ex... .  I keep thinking no one at work (where my ex is) sees him for what he is - that I appear to be the nut job and that everyone thinks I'm a snob because I had to isolate myself from everyone to please him... . but I did wind up reaching out to a couple people I trust over the course of several months and the more I have opened up, the more I have been told that apparently people certainly do see my ex's anger at least.  I don't think they see a borderline side - but to hear that yet a THIRD person at work has compared him to Dexter... .uh, well that says alot.  (If you don't know who Dexter is, he's the main character in a Showtime tv show - he is a psychopath serial killer who has been raised to kill only "bad guys" but appears sweet and charming mostly to everyone... .)  

Trust me... . as also previously said here... .that house of course your ex has built WILL fall... .  and you do not need those people who aren't willing to stand by you and be your friend... . remember that... .