Getting help, stalking and other stuff I did today...

[damage control]

Today (against all odds) I took myself to t GP and got a referral for an initial 6 sessions with a psych. I actually MADE myself got to this appointment and it took every single ounce of self-preservation I had - doing anything that isn't absolutely necessary (such as going to work) has become a mountain to climb ... but I climbed that mountain and I am really proud of myself.

What I am not-so proud of:

As my udBPDex is currently staying the weekend again with my replacement, I have also been looking at his dating profile (he cannot see this) at a well-known fishing site to see if he is still 'fishing' even though he is with the replacement ... .initially, I was disappointed because he didn't appear to have been there yesterday - however, it is now 1am here and I peeked again - and was relieved/satisfied (dare I say smug) to see that he has been logged in today ... it gives me some relief to see that he is not completely smitten with my replacement ... awful as that sounds. He is also very adept at finding more subversive sites to utilise (he always pays for memberships so he can have access to all features - yes, this should have been a big  but, I didn't know this until recent months and when I confronted him about it, he managed to explain (gaslighting anyone?) and I WANTED to believe him ... .)

I know it is n't healthy to want him to be still behaving with her like he did with me (I have NOTHING against this woman, I sincerely doubt that she knows anything about me, and I know for a fact he is lying to her as he sent her a very quick email last week telling her that he had spent the entire weekend sleeping as he was so tired ... and while he did sleep a lot, he failed to mention that he had spent the weekned cooking meals for me, watching films with me and sleeping naked next to me ... we spent the ENTIRE weekend together doing these things - although admittedly, no sex).

Stalking this profile was a habit back when we were still together as I needed to know how often he was there ... now, it's none of my business ... but I have taken to looking again the past couple of days because I want the satisfaction of knowing that it wasn't just me that he lied to and betrayed ... petty I know.

The doctor I saw also prescribed some benzodiazepines for me ... I came home at 1pm, took 3 and promptly passed out for 9 hours ... I am intending to use them for tomorrow as well so I am not just mooning around wondering when he will come home (I don't care about him coming home, I just care about him not being with my replacement ... it's just ego I think). It has crossed my mind to use the  meds to avoid him all week and next weekend ... come home, take a pill and 'voila' ... no need to run into him.

It's a one-ff script so, no chance of abusing them but they are offering a bit of a life-line, albeit a slightly dodgy one.

[HarmKrakow]

Benzo's? Be careful, don't take to much, seriously I doubt if you should take 3(?), but only take them for the really ___ed up moments ok? I remember when I had my most severe days that when I cried so much, I basically took another benzo in the morning after I went to sleep in the night just to push me through the days.

Stalking? Welcome to the human sense of jealousy. The majority of, basically everyone, has his. A beloved goes away, but your brain doesn't adjust as quickly as reality. Thus in your brain you feel the need to check up on this person and you browse through it all night. Relax, breathe in breathe out. This is normal and only a sign that you are a normal human being.

Therapy? W00T! Well done, and continue with that.

Being not proud Why are you so hard on your self? You are in a lot of pain, and you are so hard on yourself? CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK!

All I read here is ...

1.Willingness to improve... .

2.Improvement... .

3.Willingness to get out of this mess... .

[laelle]

Benzo's? Be careful, don't take to much, seriously I doubt if you should take 3(?), but only take them for the really ___ed up moments ok? I remember when I had my most severe days that when I cried so much, I basically took another benzo in the morning after I went to sleep in the night just to push me through the days.

Stalking? Welcome to the human sense of jealousy. The majority of, basically everyone, has his. A beloved goes away, but your brain doesn't adjust as quickly as reality. Thus in your brain you feel the need to check up on this person and you browse through it all night. Relax, breathe in breathe out. This is normal and only a sign that you are a normal human being.

Therapy? W00T! Well done, and continue with that.

Being not proud Why are you so hard on your self? You are in a lot of pain, and you are so hard on yourself? CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK!


All I read here is ...

1.Willingness to improve... .

2.Improvement... .

3.Willingness to get out of this mess... .

 I second this!

[damage control]

HK:

Thank you for the kind words and support. I am nt intending to 'abuse' the benzos but ... if I can use them to help me avoid and detach over the next week ... I am up for that (in spades!)

I am trying to improve, move on and detach, and trying not to be hard on myself ... but it is difficult when I am still drawn to him and still allowing him access to my company/life (and here we go back to the bezons again ... )

Thank you for cheering me up/helping me not feel so pathetic.

[damage control]

Thanks ot you also laelle

[Pretty Woman]

That's ok.  I stalked a few weeks back only to learn a mutual "friend" is sleeping with my ex.  I even confronted and I'm being made to look like I'm nuts.  

I'm just walking away from everything.  That's all you can do.  Your ex isn't thinking about this breakup like you are.  Hell, I am so depressed I've spent days in bed.  I was recycled six times! My life would stop for a month each time.  

Don't let this happen to you.  Move about the cabin because you are only giving them the power.  I know it's hard!

[fft524]

Just walk. I know it is infinitely easier to say than do, but just WALK. Run, if you can, but the important thing is to get away... .save yourself. It's taken me the better part of 6 mos. to work through this for myself, but GET AWAY. If you can't do it physically, do it emotionally. Find a way to turn off that intense desire for who you thought they were, and look at the situation through the cold stare of logic. My pwBPD is physically perfect, guys stare at her, even when we're together. I don't even get jealous anymore... .I just smirk to myself, because I see chumps, targets, and I know I'm getting away soon, and that I will be free. I know how twisted that sounds, bit I've reached the indifferent, detached stage, where the emotional need is going away... .and it's liberating to know that she won't be my problem anymore.

[damage control]

I long for the indifferent, detached stage ... .he stayed at my replacement's for three nights - all weekend ... and it hurt like the first time he went there.

I AM jealous ... I AM pissed off ... I am feeling like a child who has had her favourite toy taken away ... I just want the feelings to stop ... I want to not give a flying f^ck what (or who) he does ...

Most of all though, I want for my replacement not to be the one he finds contentment or longevity with ... .I want things to go ass-up so badly I can taste it ... .oh yes ... I long for indifference

[HarmKrakow]

I long for the indifferent, detached stage ... .he stayed at my replacement's for three nights - all weekend ... and it hurt like the first time he went there.

I AM jealous ... I AM pissed off ... I am feeling like a child who has had her favourite toy taken away ... I just want the feelings to stop ... I want to not give a flying f^ck what (or who) he does ...

Most of all though, I want for my replacement not to be the one he finds contentment or longevity with ... .I want things to go ass-up so badly I can taste it ... .oh yes ... I long for indifference

This, I don't worry about . I mean I struggle about my ex every day, and I miss her to pieces but I continue my life but i'm certain the next one in line will go through the same mess guaranteed.

[Lady31]

Hey DC,

You SHOULD feel that way!  You are valuable and this man (BOY) has completely used you, lied to you and treated you like crap.  Those feelings are JUSTIFIED and you have a right to feel them!

As far as this chic - yeah - well he is obviously lying to her bc of the weekend with you as well as him still TROLLING around the dating sites.  T-R-O-L-L!  If things were so great with her, he would not be doing these things.  Also, I think there is a really good possibility he wasn't with her that one weekend because of HER schedule/her decision. So, he used you to soothe his abandonment fears while he is bedding her when she is available.

His behavior with you while seeing her as well as the dating sites while seeing her shows you very clearly that he will ALWAYS be doing this type of thing.  Even when he cuts things off with her or her with him.  I think it is a safe bet he did this type of thing throughout your relationship with him as well.

I would not even consider being friends with someone who could treat you like this - much less in a romantic relationship.

You really should start trying to find a way out of there for your own mental sanity.  This is SO toxic.  

There is NO hope for a relationship with him.  NONE.  There is no hope for a healthy friendship with him either.  NONE.  

How much energy have you put into finding another place?  Pray about it, then start looking - and watch God open a door for you.  You will have to do this at some point.  There isn't going to be any other option.  Let your false toxic hope die and start to heal my dear.

[nevaeh]

I long for the indifferent, detached stage ... .he stayed at my replacement's for three nights - all weekend ... and it hurt like the first time he went there.

I AM jealous ... I AM pissed off ... I am feeling like a child who has had her favourite toy taken away ... I just want the feelings to stop ... I want to not give a flying f^ck what (or who) he does ...

Most of all though, I want for my replacement not to be the one he finds contentment or longevity with ... .I want things to go ass-up so badly I can taste it ... .oh yes ... I long for indifference

I'm not sure how long your relationship has been going on/went on, but I will share a little perspective from my own situation.  I have been married to uBPDh for 18 years and together for 23.

While we were still dating, H cheated on me on (several) occasions although I never had 100% proof, just gut feelings.  I terminated a pregnancy in order to keep my relationship with my H (it was his, and he told me that he wanted to stay with me, but if I had a baby he "knew" that our relationship would not work)... .so I chose him, a decision I regret to this day.  Do you know what my biggest FEAR was?  That H would find another girl who would make him happy and who would be better for him than me.  After the pregnancy the FEAR was magnified because I couldn't bear the thought that I gave up a baby for him, only to leave him or have him leave me... .it would have made that horrible decision even more horrible.  The guilt of terminating that pregnancy "for" him has been something I have yet to really comprehend or recover from.

H broke up with me after we had been dating for about 4 years.  It was kind of out of the blue although it was after a huge fight.  I was emotionally incapacitated.  He admitted that there "was someone else" and he wanted to see if it might work with this person.  I fought like crazy to get him back and it worked... .we were engaged a few months later and married about a year later.  Again, my FEAR was that a relationship with this other person would make H happy and he wouldn't cheat on her and he wouldn't subject her to the same emotional crap he put me through.

After we were married there were more affairs, internet porn, discovery by me that he was cross dressing.  We had a child and things got better for a while.  He had more affairs (cyber/internet) which I found out about when about 6 months pregnant with baby #2.  I wanted to kick him out and never look back.  I wanted to tell him how much I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Guess what... .my FEAR was that he would actually start a REAL relationship with the cyber-affair woman and that she would be able to give him what he needed and they would have a "good" relationship.

A few years later, we had baby #3 and H was deployed to Iraq and had a long physical and emotional affair which I found out about once he returned home.  I saw a lawyer and was ready to divorce him.  Except, H was remorseful and was crying and actually told me that he loved BOTH of us (me and the OW) and didn't want to have to choose.  My FEAR was that she would divorce her H, move closer to us (as she had told him she would do in one of their email exchanges), they would get married and would live happily ever after... .again, the fear was that he would be happy with her and that SHE would benefit from all of the years of work I had put in to getting H to change/be a better person, and it simply didn't seem FAIR to ME.  I swallowed my anger and worked really hard to "forgive" H for his affair. 

Up until a few years ago I held onto the FEAR that if I left H he would find another woman who was able to make him happy and he (after realizing that all of the things I tried to get him to see during the years we were together) would all of a sudden become the "perfect" husband/companion... .to someone else.  It was a FEAR that caused me to stay and keep trying to get H to see that there was another way... .I just had to keep working with him and being patient.

I believe in the past couple of years my mindset has changed and now my FEAR is not that he will be able to have a successful and happy marriage with someone else, now my FEAR is that if I stay in this marriage any longer I will be signing my own emotional death warrant.  I have decided that I will let fate be the judge and if he is meant to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone else then so be it.  I have realized that no matter how hard I try there is now way that he and I will ever have a healthy relationship.  So, it's better for both of us to move on.  I can't and never will be the person to make him change and I will also never be able to make him happy because he is flawed. 

I can tell you after being in this relationship for 23 years that the FEAR of him being with someone else had more to do with my own self esteem than anything.  If he found happiness then it meant there was something wrong with ME (in my mind, anyway).  I am here to tell you is THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE!  I know it's hard when you are mired in that line of thinking, but all I can say is that I have let that fear rule me for 23 years and I would give anything to go back and tell my 19-year old self that it is an IRRATIONAL fear! 

I know you are in a really hard place right now.  I didn't have a place like this to turn to when H and I broke up after 4 years.  Heck there wasn't even internet then.     When you are feeling weak, please remember that YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.  Maybe he will eventually find someone and they will have a happy relationship... .or maybe he/she will be miserable just as you are right now.  You have to let go of the fear/thought that he might be able to make a relationship with someone else work.  What you need to focus on is that the relationship between the two of you was never going to work.  I hope I can save you YEARS of suffering by just understanding/acknowledging that fact!

Stay strong and take care... .

[damage control]

This, I don't worry about . I mean I struggle about my ex every day, and I miss her to pieces but I continue my life but i'm certain the next one in line will go through the same mess guaranteed.

I wish I could let it go HK - the feeling that this time, he has found the person who he can have a comfortable time with.

Something I don't think I have mentioned before: he claims he will never have a 'relationship' ever again. I use quotes because he sings one tune while acting in a contrary way - we spoke every day for hours, he sent me a morning text each morning, skyped on and off all day and then as soon as he got home from work, called me to talk for another couple of hours. We were each other's confidants and best friend and yet ... he claims my 'expectations' were what scared (read triggered) him ... .I DO know that he is spinning the same spiel to my replacement (and no doubt behaving the same as he did with me) because I know for a fact he did it with the woman before me.

I'm off-point because I am just worn out today ... really tired of my own emotions and thoughts.

[damage control]

Hey DC,

You SHOULD feel that way!  You are valuable and this man (BOY) has completely used you, lied to you and treated you like crap.  Those feelings are JUSTIFIED and you have a right to feel them!

As far as this chic - yeah - well he is obviously lying to her bc of the weekend with you as well as him still TROLLING around the dating sites.  T-R-O-L-L!  If things were so great with her, he would not be doing these things.  Also, I think there is a really good possibility he wasn't with her that one weekend because of HER schedule/her decision. So, he used you to soothe his abandonment fears while he is bedding her when she is available.

His behavior with you while seeing her as well as the dating sites while seeing her shows you very clearly that he will ALWAYS be doing this type of thing.  Even when he cuts things off with her or her with him.  I think it is a safe bet he did this type of thing throughout your relationship with him as well.

I would not even consider being friends with someone who could treat you like this - much less in a romantic relationship.

You really should start trying to find a way out of there for your own mental sanity.  This is SO toxic.  

There is NO hope for a relationship with him.  NONE.  There is no hope for a healthy friendship with him either.  NONE.  

How much energy have you put into finding another place?  Pray about it, then start looking - and watch God open a door for you.  You will have to do this at some point.  There isn't going to be any other option.  Let your false toxic hope die and start to heal my dear.

Lady31, your words (once again) are both wise and needed. He DID treat me like I was nothing at the end ... .but re-reading my own blog from the previous 4-odd months has made me see that he was always full of mixed signals and he had me on unstable ground for almost a year ... .not a nice place to be at all.

I agree that he probably was not with the replacement due to her schedule/whatever ... .he was asleep when I got home from work last night so, he obviously had little sleep over there ... .

He is still trolling - I am not sure it is a reflection of the state of things between him and her - I think he is completely addicted because he cannot socialise with people in RL ... he is fine with woman 1:1 but ONLY after he has seduced them with words etc ... in most social situations he feels and acts quite awkward and is self-conscious so, he seeks woman constantly online for validation.

You are no doubt also right that he used me to self-soothe through the other weekend ... and I allowed it ... in fact, I enjoyed it truth be told ...

I have not put much energy into finding a place ... .I am trying to find out if I will be able to work from home once my main training is over - which I could finish just after Xmas ... if I am up to scratch, they may OK it and I have a chance to go home. That means another 4/5 weeks here only ... .well, that is perhaps generous - maybe 2 months ... .

I am trying to kill the last bit of hope that this has all been a huge mistake - that is the crux: trying to accept that someone could be so ... .calculated, indifferent, cruel, callous etc ... .my brain is just having trouble accepting ... no, scratch that, my brain accepts it, it is my heart that is having a tantrum.

[damage control]

nevaeh:

Wow ... .thank you for taking the time to share your story and for your words of support - both are appreciated.

My 'relationship' with the ex was only for 12 months - most of that was a distance thing with visits ... I came to his city for a job (and for him) because even though he had promised to move to me, that was being delayed by 9 months due to his work. I was here just 9 days when he decided that things were now (then) too 'real' and my presence triggered him completely ...

I am so sorry for what you have been throughm but very grateful for your words and thoughts.