A new relationship in under 6 weeks after nearly 5 years together

[Naddred369]

She broke contact on Thursday, just small talk.

On Friday I start getting the abuse about how low I am as a person and how I owe her this and that and will I return some piece of crap.

This is standard behaviour during past break ups.

I beleive she cheated on me with a guy from work who is massively into hillwalking, as am I.

I told her when we split that I knew who it was she was with and she denied it and said I was crazy.

She is adamant she wants a tent off me, so I said take the damn tent! Later that evening, After getting merry(or at least numb!) I text her:

Me: surely ---- has a tent!Squeeze into that!

Her: Yeah, he has and we do!

IM GUTTED!

I text her and said I would finaly like the truth and she stated that they are together now.

A new relationship in under 6 weeks after nearly 5 years together! How the hell can you do that?

Im a total mess, I cant date anyone, I can barely function.

She has lied to me for so long, cheated on me at least twice that I know of. She swore on her daughters life that she wasnt cheating! does she have any shame? any conscience?any remorse?

What a horrible deceitfull vile nasty excuse for a human being!

I Just give up im so tired of hurting and im sick of trying. Ive just been used and betrayed in the worst way by my partner. I just want it to stop now.

[Naddred369]

And if shes so happy why bloody text me at all?

Just dissapear and live your life!

Why bother to engage me at all!

You walking failure of a human being!

[strikeforce]

She's not happy, she's trying to make you hurt and have control over you.

BPDs cannot just move on, they cannot properly disconnect from a relationship.

[Naddred369]

Well Strikeforce, shes doing an excellent job of making me hurt.

I knew from instinct that she was cheating but for her to say she is ACTUALLY with that person is awful to know.Im crushed!

Everything was just utter lies.

But I do know she will ruin the next r/s too! so good luck to him coz hes gonna need it!

[ShadowDancer]

This is how they roll. The only advise I can give you is next time you drink... .DON'T DIAL!

[GreenMango]

Oh man Naddred she texted that because you baited her.

This kind of back and forth is soo easy to do - sometimes the fighting feels better than just leaving.

It's probably good to not get into anything with her - no favors, no tents, etc.

Have you tied up the loose strings on this breakup so you don't have to talk to her anymore?

[fromheeltoheal]

We all know it takes time to process and heal from the demise of a relationship, which takes work.  It's a lot easier to jump into something new, which provides a distraction and allows repression of any crap that comes up over the last relationship; the resulting feelings may feel like happiness, but they aren't sustainable.  To take the path of processing and healing and doing the work will result in a person more able to create sustainable happiness down the road.  You know this is true.

Any contact at this point will just create more pain.  I recommend you trade stuff and whatever else you need to do to feel like you've finished business with her, and then get on with healing having nothing to do with her.  It may be painful, but it will be less painful than the alternatives.  Take care of you!

[allweareisallweare]

It really hurts when BPD realizes itself. It also happened to me; it was just cynical, but days and I'm talking mere days later I was replaced, so I know how you feel. Some people can't bear to be alone!

I'm almost three months no contact and I am finding it hard - if I had a shot at her now, i.e I contacted her via email though, I know I could destroy her. I'd formulate so many things. In fact, I knew I inflicted great pain on her when she realised - despite being with the rebound - I went to meet somebody for a date, but this was a few months ago and I commenced no contact on the back of that, a small thing.

What must hurt the most though, is those days when they look in the mirror and not even a personality disorder is enough mask to hide that they're bad to the core, that they caused untold pain, that they don't deserve happiness whatever they may say, and even, somehow, if they did, they will not obtain it because BPD guarantees them a lifetime of unstable relationships as is always the case by the nature of the disorder.

The inevitability that you will find a healthy partner scares the hell and I mean hell out of them, trust me. But not just that, that you will be better off without her, in the long run. How can you not be, man? They are inflicted with this disorder, they are mentally ill. This gives you great power on the situation, mate.

Take care

[HarmKrakow]

does she have any shame?

any conscience?

any remorse?

No

No

No

[fromheeltoheal]

does she have any shame?

any conscience?

any remorse?

No

No

No

A borderline has massive shame, it's a shame-based disorder.  So strong in fact that the coping tools of projection and repression go into turbo mode when one is stressed.  That's why we get the brunt of the blame and the rage, and if there's a replacement, the leftover stuff that got repressed and unprocessed from our relationship gets barfed all over the new person when it bubbles up out of repression, and they wonder where the hell it came from.

We all do that to some degree BTW, a borderline just lacks the ability to self-soothe, so out it comes, twisted and more intense.

[HarmKrakow]

does she have any shame?

any conscience?

any remorse?

No

No

No

A borderline has massive shame, it's a shame-based disorder.  So strong in fact that the coping tools of projection and repression go into turbo mode when one is stressed.  That's why we get the brunt of the blame and the rage, and if there's a replacement, the leftover stuff that got repressed and unprocessed from our relationship gets barfed all over the new person when it bubbles up out of repression, and they wonder where the hell it came from.

We all do that to some degree BTW, a borderline just lacks the ability to self-soothe, so out it comes, twisted and more intense.

That doesn't make it 'shame'. Of course you are right, but a borderliner has massive empathy as well for example. A borderliner has more empathy than a non. The problem is, a borderliner has massive empathy, and thus going berserk. That doesn't make it 'empathy', as all we do here is complain about the lack of empathy of a borderliner while in reality they have loads.

I meant the no, no and no as a reply to the question whether or not she has a true sense of those feelings. She doesn't, and therefore no.

[fromheeltoheal]

That doesn't make it 'shame'. Of course you are right, but a borderliner has massive empathy as well for example. A borderliner has more empathy than a non. The problem is, a borderliner has massive empathy, and thus going berserk. That doesn't make it 'empathy', as all we do here is complain about the lack of empathy of a borderliner while in reality they have loads.

I meant the no, no and no as a reply to the question whether or not she has a true sense of those feelings. She doesn't, and therefore no.

Interesting Harm, an angle I hadn't considered.

Empathy is defined partly as the ability to be aware of and vicariously experience the thoughts and feelings of another as if they are your own.  A borderline, who considers the attachment to another as creating one person with no boundary between, albeit subconsciously, of course has the ability to experience the attachment's thoughts and feelings, since to them it's ONE PERSON.  Good distinction.

Sympathy and compassion, by contrast, require another person, so naturally a borderline will suck at those, mine certainly did.  My take is that is what many people mean when they say a borderline lacks empathy.

Addressing your comment on shame, feeling shameful and expressing it as shame are two different things, which is what I heard you mean.  It gets repressed and projected until it is unrecognizable to everyone including the borderline, and is full of chaos and hurt.

[HarmKrakow]

That doesn't make it 'shame'. Of course you are right, but a borderliner has massive empathy as well for example. A borderliner has more empathy than a non. The problem is, a borderliner has massive empathy, and thus going berserk. That doesn't make it 'empathy', as all we do here is complain about the lack of empathy of a borderliner while in reality they have loads.

I meant the no, no and no as a reply to the question whether or not she has a true sense of those feelings. She doesn't, and therefore no.

Interesting Harm, an angle I hadn't considered.

Empathy is defined partly as the ability to be aware of and vicariously experience the thoughts and feelings of another as if they are your own.  A borderline, who considers the attachment to another as creating one person with no boundary between, albeit subconsciously, of course has the ability to experience the attachment's thoughts and feelings, since to them it's ONE PERSON.  Good distinction.

Sympathy and compassion, by contrast, require another person, so naturally a borderline will suck at those, mine certainly did.  My take is that is what many people mean when they say a borderline lacks empathy.

Addressing your comment on shame, feeling shameful and expressing it as shame are two different things, which is what I heard you mean.  It gets repressed and projected until it is unrecognizable to everyone including the borderline, and is full of chaos and hurt.

A borderliner has more empathy than any of us nons. It was one of the first things I read here, my therapist told me and what I read in scientific health articles. However, when you have so much empathy your brain goes completely in full meltdown. Brainwire malfunctioning. Can you imagine, if you have so much empathy, for everything, you just literally 'overload' your system. That's also one of the key distinct differences between a BPD and a NPD. Someone with borderline has to much empathy. Someone with narcism treats has none.

For 'us', the BPD users, we all consider it the same... As it feels they have no empathy at all...

A borderliner has in my opinion no sympathy nor compassion. Although those were never things I read about or discussed with my therapists (that was only empathy... ) I do believe what you say that they lack all sense of compassion and/or sympathy.

[bpdspell]

Hey Naddred,

As our relationship started to unravel my ex and I recycled twice. Most times I was the one putting in tremendous amounts of elbow grease trying to smooth over the damaging things that seemed to come so easily to him…the lies, the manipulation, the entitlement, the gas lighting….I put up with a lot of crap…including a physical assault and finding a woman in this man's bed. I was chasing the carrot stick of idealization and wanting the fantasy days of "over the moon" happiness to return.

The more the relationship shattered before my eyes the more I wanted to make it work.

Until the third recycle. Two weeks of silence (and lots of lonely nights in crying jags) and then I caved. I texted him that I missed him. We agree to meet within the hour (I though he missed me too) all for him to tell me that he's been with my replacement for the last two weeks and that she's a better fit for him.        

I was gutted to my core and finally made it to that recycle that took me to the ninth circle of hell.

I knew that my ex was a cheater but I'd never been so humiliated in my entire life.

Being replaced like yesterday's lunch or interchangeable shoelaces is unfathomable but not when you're dealing with a borderline. They lack emotional immaturity and are selfish to the bone for their own survival. Being alone to them=death.

So where do you go from here?

You have options: Learning all you can about BPD, learning about No Contact, disengaging by giving yourself space or at best learning how to detach. The choice is yours to make but I think it would be wise to give yourself a breather from this toxically hurtful situation.

All BPD's are different but mine seemed to be hell bent on tormenting me, taunting me and twisting every form of contact as a reason to destroy me. Some are quite punishing, narcissistic and are all to familiar with playing dirty. 

The only way out of this Great Adventure is to take yourself off the ride.

Spell

[ShadowDancer]

It is an interesting concept when we talk about the notion of them not being able to be alone. I can only imagine what it must be like... .alone... .in a room with only your thoughts... .and feel like you are disappearing to nothingness. Only the sight of shadows of lifes past and the dim sound of the rattling chains of deeds done.

Terrifying! Scary! Dark! And oh so very hellishly sad.

I feel so blessed. So fortunate. Alone in my rooms.

[RecycledNoMore]

Think of all the lies she told you, think of the pain, think of the rage you feel inside, the absolute injustice of it all, the recycles, the crazy, the heartwrenching damage... .

Imagine that its all in a footy, you just passed it to the new guy, he thinks hes guna score the best try ever!, but you know better Naddred, run for your life my friend

Im sorry your hurting, its crap I know, im hoping in time youl be able to see that this is not a game worth playing.

[goldylamont]

I feel so blessed. So fortunate. Alone in my rooms.

this felt really good to read. i am appreciative that i feel ok being with myself, it is scary to think of not liking who you are at the core, or not knowing.

regarding the empathy/shame discussion: i agree and think a pwBPD experiences tons of shame, but they don't show it in normal ways or are unaware perhaps of why? when i feel ashamed, i want to say "i'm sorry", this is my natural reaction. so, to someone who doesn't want to or doesn't feel the need to do this it's hard for me to say how they are processing it, but it ain't the same "shame" that i would feel

i feel that pwBPD get way to much credit for being empathic, i just don't think this is true at all. i don't think they are too empathetic, rather they are over-emotional. i'm sure they can be empathetic when it suits their needs to bond and mirror people but my ex had absolutely no idea what or how i was feeling most of the time, which is why her accusations never made any sense. in fact i don't think they really know what anybody is really feeling (and neither do we of them) which is why the communication is so messed up. just because someone feels sh@#ty in and of themselves doesn't mean that they have some deeper understanding of how others feel. sure my ex could get insanely emotional but this had to do with her, not with how others around her were feeling. if they really have so much empathy then why don't they feel how much others around truly cared about them (before this bridge may be burned)?

[ucmeicu2]

regarding the empathy/shame discussion: i agree and think a pwBPD experiences tons of shame, but they don't show it in normal ways or are unaware perhaps of why? when i feel ashamed, i want to say "i'm sorry", this is my natural reaction. so, to someone who doesn't want to or doesn't feel the need to do this it's hard for me to say how they are processing it, but it ain't the same "shame" that i would feel

i see different definitions and use of the word shame.  when it comes to BPD, i think they are talking about uber-shame, toxic shame:

www.BPD.about.com/od/glossary/g/shame.htm

definition of shame:

"Shame is an emotion in which the self is perceived as defective, unacceptable, or fundamentally damaged. Shame is often confused with guilt, which is a related but distinct emotion in which a specific behavior is viewed as unacceptable or wrong, rather than the entire self.

People who experience traumatic events are prone to shame, particularly if they blame themselves for the event. Shame can be a particularly problematic emotion because it is associated with a desire to hide, disappear, or even die. Individuals with borderline personality disorder often report associated feelings of shame."

people with BPD seem to have problems admitting and/or expressing remorse ~ which is something we Nons seem to crave, crave for them to express remorse to us... like we need it on some level for healing or to feel good about ourselves again.

definition of remorse:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remorse

"Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. Remorse is closely allied to guilt and self-directed resentment. When a person regrets an earlier action or failure to act, it may be because of remorse or in response to various other consequences, including being punished for the act or omission. <cut>[1]A person who is incapable of feeling remorse is often labelled with antisocial personality disorder - as characterized in the DSM IV-TR. In general, a person needs to be unable to feel fear, as well as remorse, in order to develop psychopathic traits."

but ya know, even when my xBPDgf expressed remorse/shame/guilt 3.5 months ago in a letter (6 months into our NC) it was just too little too late.  and i am still torn between "is it genuine?" or is it just another attempt to reel me in again?" ... .  so i sit in limbo, NC, but not completely letting go... .  sux! 

[maxen]

naddred and BPDspell i'm horrified to read those stories.  i'm so sorry.   if it's any 'consolation' my pwBPD had a relationship for about seven weeks before she left, and we had been married seven years. it's what they do.

i feel that pwBPD get way to much credit for being empathic, i just don't think this is true at all. i don't think they are too empathetic, rather they are over-emotional. i'm sure they can be empathetic when it suits their needs to bond and mirror people but my ex had absolutely no idea what or how i was feeling most of the time, which is why her accusations never made any sense.

mine projected so badly that i think she never knew my emotions, or me, at all.

[HarmKrakow]

Thus, on the other end of the spectrum where if I'm feeling empty or indifferent about a situation and its a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, the pwBPD is feeling a 10+++, so to us it appears they have no feeling, and that may be true to some extent.  

This describes it SO well! A 10++++ might give us the feeling it's a zero while in their head it's a 10++ ... they must always feel misunderstood. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy BPD.

[Phoenix.Rising]

... they must always feel misunderstood. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy BPD.

Agreed! 

I think we're trying to say the same thing.

[ucmeicu2]

Thus, on the other end of the spectrum where if I'm feeling empty or indifferent about a situation and its a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, the pwBPD is feeling a 10+++, so to us it appears they have no feeling, and that may be true to some extent.  

This describes it SO well! A 10++++ might give us the feeling it's a zero while in their head it's a 10++ ... they must always feel misunderstood. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy BPD.

can ya help me out here?  i don't understand... .how can them having twice as much feeling look like no feeling to us?   

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thus, on the other end of the spectrum where if I'm feeling empty or indifferent about a situation and its a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, the pwBPD is feeling a 10+++, so to us it appears they have no feeling, and that may be true to some extent. 

This describes it SO well! A 10++++ might give us the feeling it's a zero while in their head it's a 10++ ... they must always feel misunderstood. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy BPD.

can ya help me out here?  i don't understand... .how can them having twice as much feeling look like no feeling to us?   

I can't state how a pwBPD is feeling, but in this case they may be feeling extreme doubt or emptiness (due to emotional dysregulation) which comes across to us as feeling nothing.  Does that make sense?  I don't know if that is accurate, however.  The 'extreme' empathy or joy is easier for me to make sense of logically.  The first time time I saw that empty look in her eyes, it looked like nothing was there... hollow.  But maybe it was just 'extreme' emptiness?  I don't know.  I'm speculating.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Or possibly they just shut down emotionally due to overload... thus, feeling nothing.

[Discovery]

A new relationship in under 6 weeks after nearly 5 years together! How the hell can you do that?

Im a total mess, I cant date anyone, I can barely function.

Naddred,

Just want to join with others to tell you I'm sending you support.

The way our former partners ended r/s without basic decency, care, appreciation, respect etc. is VERY VERY painful and hurts so very deeply. My r/s was nearly 7 yrs, ended w/ email, refused to speak to me. What the heck? That's IT?

The "How the hell can you do that?" haunted me and tortured me until I learned about BPD and at least my intellect could "understand" how. My heart still hasn't caught up. We didn't know we've been loving someone with a mental illness. It's so invisible on the outside, it's only by these horrible actions and the devastation we experience that we come to see it. 

I'm sure all of us know what it means to be unable to function. Literally. My experience shattered me and the healing is not fast. You've experienced a shock and an emotional trauma. There is a lot of helpful information here to validate what you are experiencing. Please know you are not alone.   

[fromheeltoheal]

can ya help me out here?  i don't understand... .how can them having twice as much feeling look like no feeling to us?   

A borderline feels everything strongly because they don't have the ability to self soothe. Coping tools include raging, impulsive behaviors, addictions, projecting and zoning out, maladaptive coping devices for sure, because its all just too much.

[fiddlestix]

Here is an interesting quotation:

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly alone in a room."   Blaise Pascal

Fiddle

[Changingman]

What they feel is of no benefit to us or anyone else, its poison they create. We must decide in our life how we treat others, relate to others. This is for each to learn and live with. The fact that they hurt most those who love/care for them shows how warped their thinking/feeling is. Sadists they are, as they hurt without care, without kindness. Leave us alone.

They aren't able to love, it's an emotion beyond their reach. No friends only EXs. They can pick up with new people, have more than one affair etc triangulate, cheat, flirt, etc so easily because it means nothing to them. Empty selves, empty hearts, empty relationships, empty sex... .but intense emptiness, intense.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Coping tools include raging, impulsive behaviors, addictions, projecting and zoning out, maladaptive coping devices for sure, because its all just too much.

Raging... I sensed that this is what was beneath the empty look.

[Naddred369]

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.

Its been a difficult weekend emotionaly and I just get so upset when I think of all the lies she told me to defend her actions and I actually was correct in my assumption that she was with this specific man.

The new R/S dynamic started with lies,deceit,cheating and betrayal, let alone the horrors of BPD.

It aint gonna work!

I know ive dodged a bullet, My new life is starting to grow but i feel so much pain and hurt and I blame myself so much for trusting her and letting the chaos bring my life into the gutter.

I am fighting back, I had a great time with a hill walking club on sunday. Walked a classic ridge walk that ive wanted to do for ever and lacked courage to do.I just thought if i die so what!

I found walking with the group amazing, coz my BPD exgf would fight and argue with me whilst walking and the stress was awfull.

This walk... .NO STRESS! i was soo relaxed and I really found strength in the fact I was having a better time without her.

There is hope!

Thanks for being there guys.