Anyone else have a BPD sibling? Mine is my twin

[Artfulmind]

Having a hard time keeping a relationship with my twin sister. I have long time resentment towards her that I try to act like I don't have anymore. She has verbally abused me since we were Tweens. We are now in our late 20s and live states away from each other. Our relationship had improved after we moved away from each other. I thought she was over her feelings of me-always thinking I was the favorite and that my mom treated me better and we were always against her. None of it was true. She would get furious if she would get in trouble and I wouldn't (for something she did, not me) she always lied and fought with my mom thus getting her in trouble. I just didn't. So I didn't get in trouble a lot. She attacked me emotionally. Causing deep emotional scars and low self esteem  I honestly thought she hated me and believed the things she said about me-that I was ugly a freak a dyke and that I would never have a boyfriend etc. but now I just believe she had low self esteem herself and had jealousy towards me. I have gone through therapy myself for my self esteem and my own issues. She never goes consistently and takes meds sparingly. She hasn't done hard work to help her deal with her illness. I do not know how to deal with her lies and behavior. I am afraid I'll get to the point where I will write her off. And I know that It would destroy her because she has an undying love for me that she doesn't have with anyone else. But how do I keep loving her in return?

[enough abuse]

I know the feeling... .My 5 years younger sister is uBPD... .It is awful.  Several things you mentioned I could write books on " I am the favorite"  "her getting picked on when she did wrong and I did not" We are 37 and 42 and things have only gotten worse...    I wish I had magic answers... .just be assured these people are miserable and want to do anyting they can to make you miserable with them.  Realize this condition and DO NOT let it bring your self esteem down.  You are on this site and have sought professional help... .you ARE a strong person... .hang in theree!

[Artfulmind]

Thank you for your post and support. Really so she felt the same way about you being the favorite? How is your relationship now? Has it gotten better or worse through the years? Do you have any kids that have a relationship with her? My sis tries to make things better by buying stuff for people. She rarely ever owns up to anything she has done. Just doesn't talk to me for a long time then all of a sudden I hear from her and she acts like nothing happened. Thank you for your reply. I don't feel as alone now.

[Artfulmind]

Just read your post again and re read that you said it has just gotten worse. How has it gotten worse?

[Dogwoody]

Hi Artfulmind, welcome to this website. I am a newbie too. I only just found this site in October 2013. OK, yes! I too have a BPD sibling. She is my sister, two years younger than I am, but we are both in our sixties! My sister's BPD is the latest phase of a long history of mental illness and alcohol abuse that goes back to age 18. There were lots of symptoms even earlier when we were in high school, and then she became full-blown paranoid schizophrenic. She is very much better than when she was young. She is diagnosed BPD with PTSD and paranoia. Pretty much all the issues you mention - things like jealousy, presumed favoritism, and so on - have been constant themes for decades. I find it such hard work to deal with her that I find it easier to create very definite boundaries and to stick to them as much as possible. We do not live anywhere near each other geographically, and I have refused to keep up regular phone contact with her. I always answer her emails however. Every day when I do my spiritual practice, I send her healing energy and love.

[Jodi_WG]

Could have written most of your post word-for-word regarding my older uBPD sister.  Just know you're not alone, and we're here for support from one another.  Simply knowing that there are others out there who truly understand is so comforting.  I'm still a newbie here and trying to get my bearings.  Just wanted to say - HUGS! 

[Blondy90]

Hi Artfulmind!

My dBPD sister is exactly the same. She has always accused my mum of favouring me (even though most of my mum's energy has always gone in to her) and when I was younger, she constantly put me down and played up to the fact I was fat and had bad teeth. How times change, I lost a lot of weight and got my teeth fixed! She still sometimes finds things to use to put me down but in all fairness to her she has stopped doing it so much as she's got older. I have suffered with very bad self esteem issues that I am still fighting but I'm not going to pin them all on my sister because they're not all her fault.

She was also always trying to get me in trouble with my mum and blame me for our fights. For a long time my mum did take her side and accused me of being selfish, cold and controlling. As our family have moved on we have worked through this though and I have forgiven my mum because she was just trying to deal with things the best she could. We have a fantastic relationship now and have luckily been able to be open about the past and talk through everything.

You hit the nail on the head with jealousy. I don't know how many other people with BPD family are able to but I have very honest talks with my dBPD sister about her behaviour and how it feels to have dBPD and she has admitted to me that a lot of her antagonism towards me Is due to jealousy. She is jealous of the fact I have a stable relationship and still live in the family home with my mum (who she is borderline obsessed with). I know she is also jealous that I am able to cope with life and deal with everyday trials. She finds every day a struggle and things like filling in complex forms for things send her in to huge anxiety and anger fits.

Me and my sister are very close and when we get on I’m her best friend. Having distance is key to this though as when I lived with her, being more than civil was very hard. I know she idolises me and that when she lashes out it’s either through jealousy or just because at that time she is unable to control her emotions. We share a bond as sisters that I just can’t cut because despite her problems we have been through a lot together and we know each other inside out.  I know not everyone is able to have a relationship with a BPD family member but me and my mum have been able to work together to create a family dynamic that means my sister can be a part of it and we don’t let her behaviour affect the state of our mental health. It’s taken a lot of soul searching, acceptance, tears, anger and strength to get to where we are though I can tell you and my mum still can't detach herself emotionally as well as I can when I need to.

Good luck with your BPD sister. There is light at the end of the tunnel and there are brilliant people here to help you find it!

[kindsoul]

Blondy90 your response helped me more than you will ever know. I love this site. So helpful in dealing with this. I am not alone.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, Artfulmind, and 

I am glad you have decided to join us and start posting. As you have already seen, there are many people here who understand what it is like to have a family member with BPD. We are here to support you and point you toward tools that can help. I would like to assure you that it is possible to find a balance so that you can have compassion toward your sister while at the same time looking after yourself.

People who suffer from BPD experience very intense emotions. They also have not learned a sense of self apart from other people, and may be deeply dependent on others for a sense of being and worth. Therefore, when they feel someone is pulling away, it can feel like a life-or-death situation and they will do whatever they can to prevent that perceived abandonment. Do you think your sister is relying on you in this way? If so, learning to care for your own boundaries will actually be helpful for both of you. I will share some workshops with you below that you might find helpful.

I hope to hear more from you. Please do let us know when you have additional questions.

Wishing you peace,

PF

TOOLS:Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

BPD BEHAVIORS:Splitting

BOUNDARIES:Living our values