could use some advise..

[enough abuse]

Ugh what a horrible week this has been.  I have been NC with my uBPD sister since March and our mother has been next to no contact as well.  The last or latest straw in March was when our mother was debilitated for a few months with spinal stenosis.  My mother was in terrible pain, nauseated and vomiting from the pain and could not walk safely.  My sister lives about 2.5 miles from my mom in the country and I live about 2.5 hours away in "the city".  I am a Nurse Practitioner but my sister knows far more than I do about medicine... .She was so mad my mom "listened to me and came down to my place to get help as measures x 2 weeks in the small town were not helping her"  She was just viscious saying my mom was a spoiled bithch and deserved the pain she was in because God was punishing her for being a terrible mother and God knows what a good person my sister is.  My mother has been a wonderful mother to both of us.  She was widowed at age 42 (now 72) when our father died of colon cancer 29years ago.  I was 12 and my sister was 7.  We had wonderful family support and my mother did a phenomenol job. 

Over the last 12 years things have progressivly gotten worse.  My sister is 5 yrs younger than I and is married and has 4 children ages 3-15.  My mom and I think the world of the kids.  She has told my mom the kids dont' want to see her and she back in the spring had the kids call her 1 at a time and tell her not to come to school activities.  I am married and have 2 children and as things got worse over the years I realized we had a serious problem and as a mother I could not expose my family to these behaviors.  When I just could not figure things out I did see a psychologist and both my mom and I have seen a social worker.  The both quickly said narsistic personality and borderline and all the stuff I read here and in other books... .My sister fits nearly every category and is a "poster child" for BPD.

Their had been a few periods of limited contact and we managed some limited contact over the last few years until March.

Last fall when I did not allow my sister to bring her male friend and his 3 kids and a single male neighbor to my house to sleep over for Thanksgiving.  Oh yes... .her husband was comming as well and I did mention 2 male friends... .She decided not to come and proceeded to tell her kids I ruined Thanksgiving again... .and she knew I would do this and I always ruin the holiday... .My niece the 15 yr old had confided some sick info with my mom as she bawled.  1 year ago my sister was threatning divorce to my BIL.  Of course it was all his fault and she had him in therapy for anger and depression.  On the rare occasion she said anything to me... .once I said why don't you go with him... .her response " I'm not going, I don't have a problem, it's his problem"   oh so textbook... .My neice had told my mom this man was was to involved in their family, when the were all camping my sister made her hug this man goodbye and tell him she loved him... .this man had surgery 1.5 hours away and my sister took him to surgery and stayed all day and went to pick him up and he and his 3 kids stayed at her house to recover... .

knowing all this I called my niece and told her I wanted her to know I did NOT ruin Thanksgiving... .I wanted them to come and her mother chose not to come because I and her uncle were not alllowing this man and his family to come to stay at our house because it was not appropriate.  I told her I realized a lot of things were going on in their family and I wanted her to know over the years her mother had done some really nasty things and things that were not nice and I did seek help and her mother has a problem.  I told her it was not the kids fault and that I always wanted them to know how much we love them.  My niece agreed and at this time seemed to have a good handle on reality.  My sister was so wound up in this guy she did not pay much attention to her kids.

My niece has told my sister and oh my... .I got a text from her Thursday.  Warning me that since this time of year I like to mess with the minds of her kids and I better never do it again.  How could I possibly do this that only someone with a mental problem would do this.  She would never think of doing this to my kids... .I of course did not respond because all she was looking for was a never ending argument... .I ended up blocking her number.

My poor mother is getting harrassed with the same thing.  She is demanding a answer from my mom on what she thinks about me saying what I did to her minor daughter.  Same thing my mom said there is nothing to respond to because it will only lead to 100 hours of agrument and things that she has said 100's of times.  My mom agreed she is getting much worse.  My mom worries she may do something crazy at some point.  When my mom did not answer texts she called and left a message on her land line and told her she will not leave her alone until she gets an answer becasue she deserves on.  She has proceeded to text everyday with things like... .still waiting... .no answer yet... .maybe you forgot the question... .so with my mom's permission I had her phone blocked from her also.  My mom worries this will just "set her off" but my mom can't have this harrassment.  My mom has stayed at a friends house the last few nights.

I just don't know what to do... .any suggestions?  We need no contact but she is obviously hurting and wants us to hurt with her.  Of course we all know this will never happen but on numerous occasions both my mom and I have offered to go with her, send her whatever to get help... .she told my mom she saw a councelor and the councelor said she did not have a problem but we did... .talk about validating BPD. 

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, enough abuse.

I can see why you are feeling confused and frustrated. The holidays can be stressful for anyone, but when a family member has BPD, drama is pretty much guaranteed.

It sounds to me like your sister is throwing a tantrum because she did not get her way. She has a right to do that, and you have a right not to listen. Blocking her phone number removes one way for her to get to you. You certainly do not have to be miserable just because your sister is. I think you are right that she is looking for someone to argue with, and character assassination is common with this disorder. Have you thought about checking in with your counselor for advice about ways to cope with the current situation?

What do you feel your options are?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[enough abuse]

Thanks PF change,

Yes have contacted my counselor this weekend.  She agreed to absolutly not respond to her.  She has worked with both my mother and I over the last 9 months.  She feels my mom needs to move and I agree 100%.  My mom is a 72yo widow would is independent but has a long list of health problems.  She lives out in the country 17miles from  grocery store and over an hour from a major medical center.  She has a neighbor who is helpful but this cannot last forever.  She has a 81yo male companion who is wonderful for her but he also has a list of health conditions.  We have NO other family to help and I am 2.5 hours away.  My mom has seriously started to consider making a change but does not want to give my sister the satisfaction of "running her out".  I totally understand her feeling this way but things are NOT going to change with my sister and my mom needs to put herself first and do what is best for her.

I have encouraged her to talk to friends and people she values opinions of and discuss what some options may be.  I am really worried about her.

[enough abuse]

My social worker taught me a new term I would like to share.  Some of you may be aware of but it is classic projection.  This is when the BPD is calling you everything that he/she is.  For example we have aunt that is very much like my sister.  They basically hate each other but are so simmilar.  My sister is saying that my mom and I are acting like her.  When infact my sister is out of the same cookie cutter as her... .totally crazy... .classic projection. 

[P.F.Change]

I'm glad you were able to talk with your counselor. Yes, projection is a very common defense mechanism. We have probably all done it at one point or another. It happens a great deal with people who have BPD and similar disorders, because they are unable to cope with the idea of any negative qualities in themselves. Therefore, they often accuse others of the behaviors they themselves are doing.

By way of example, I remember a time when I was home from college and my younger sister had a long lunch at school. My mother decided we should split up and offered me a choice whether I would like to pick up my sister and take her off campus, or meet my father on his lunch break. I chose the latter, and she exploded and told me what a horrible sister I am, how I am crushing my sister's dream of going somewhere off campus, that I only ever think of myself. She was projecting; she didn't want to pick up my sister herself but couldn't be direct about it because that would make her feel like a bad mother. So instead, she projected those feelings and the negativity she associated with them onto me.

My mom has seriously started to consider making a change but does not want to give my sister the satisfaction of "running her out".

It sounds to me like your mother is so accustomed to everything revolving around your sister's feelings that she does not know how to make a decision without this coming to mind first. Your mother is an adult and still capable of making her own decisions. I agree that she is reaching an age where it would probably make sense for her to be nearer to trustworthy care, and I hope she will be able to put her own needs and desires first.

What about you? What else are you doing to take care of yourself?

PF

[enough abuse]

Thanks PF chang.

Everything you said is "right on". 

I realize my mom is an adult and able to make her own decisions and I respect that.  The thing that really concerns me is I am the only one she has left.  I will do ANYTHING to help my mom and make it work.  This is a situation we know will NEVER get better and is getting worse by the year. Just this week, a light switch broke in her bathroom, the caller ID did not work on the phone and the garbage disposal broke.  She lives in the country in a OLD house.  I am worried and feel as she realizes this she needs to take some time and try to get some things in order for her safety, happiness and less worry around the house.  Although I need to let her do what she wants, I hope she will consider this.

Myself... .to be perfectly honest, I'm not good and I have no idea what to do to make it better.  In fact it is taking a toll on my body.  I have had a terrible pain in my neck radiating to my head and arm.  I can touch the muscle that hurts.  I spoke to a physicial medicine DR and she said are you under stress?  ah yeah!  She said the muscle is so tense and it is taking a toll on me.  She recommended a massage.  I am not a fan of massages but I did schedule one for Friday.  I don't know what else to do!  I am meeting my social worker for a session.

[enough abuse]

I understand this condition and have researched so much.  This is my only sibling and I have grieved this loss and apparently am still grieving. 

I know this is wrong and will never happend but as far as I can see I will not be at peace unless justice is served.  It makes me sick to know she is ruining the lives of her 4 kids not to mention the widowed guy she has befriended and he and his 3 kids are "part of their family" she is acting like the mother to these kids... .last thing they need after losing their mother in a tragic accident. 

what do you suggest.  I think some people can just walk away from it and not care.  I care and am devistated.  I don't know what to do.  I want someone to have some magical thing to make it better and that is nonexistant.

[P.F.Change]

Sorry for the delay in reply. I hope things have been going ok since you last wrote.

Myself... .to be perfectly honest, I'm not good and I have no idea what to do to make it better.  In fact it is taking a toll on my body.  I have had a terrible pain in my neck radiating to my head and arm.  I can touch the muscle that hurts.  I spoke to a physicial medicine DR and she said are you under stress?  ah yeah!  She said the muscle is so tense and it is taking a toll on me.  She recommended a massage.  I am not a fan of massages but I did schedule one for Friday.  I don't know what else to do!  I am meeting my social worker for a session.

I'm glad you planned a visit with your social worker and a massage. How did those go?

I try to get regular massages and find they really do help me relax. It is part of my self-care. Making sure I am eating well and getting sufficient sleep and exercise, scheduling time to myself and time with friends, and taking time to pray and meditate are other things I do to make sure I am looking after me. Are any of those things part of your routine? If not, can you think of anything you would like to try to do for yourself?

I know this is wrong and will never happend but as far as I can see I will not be at peace unless justice is served... .

what do you suggest.  I think some people can just walk away from it and not care.  I care and am devistated.  I don't know what to do.  I want someone to have some magical thing to make it better and that is nonexistant.

You are right; there is a lot of grief in these relationships. A lot of pain and a lot of lost potential. It really helps to have a therapist's guidance as we move through the stages of grief, so I am glad you already have that support in place. It is normal to want painful situations to resolve, and I'm sorry there is no magical fix for what you are going through. If there was one, we would happily share it.

I also think it is normal to feel angry, especially when someone's actions are impacting children. I can understand why you would feel sick about that. I am curious what "justice" means to you in regards to your sister. Like the magical solution, it might not ever happen. What then? Are you doomed to be miserable for the rest of your life? Your happiness does not have to be harnessed to her outcome.

I would love to hear how things went with your T, and if you have shared any of these feelings with her.

PF

[enough abuse]

PF,

Thanks for your continued support, I am truly greatful

My massage was wonderful!  When I walked in the muscles were so painful I could hardly change my clothes and re dressed with much less pain.  I still have a lot of pain in the shoulder and seem to be adapting to that being "normal" as well but the massage definately helped.

I eat pretty good but wish I could exersize more or at all for that matter.  My job involves walking all day so I don't sit behind a desk but I could really use some toning or cardio or even yoga.  I have looked into several things to do and thought yoga might be good.  Problem is I get up at 4:45am for work and get home between 6-7pm.  I work 4 days a week and have a 4 and 7 year old.  When I get home it's homework and get kids ready for bed and not much else besides pay bills, laundry and if we have activities to get to.  Someday.

I meet with my social worker this Sunday.  She actually moved out of the area but returns to see some clients so I have my visit arranged for Sunday.  I will certainly be discussing all this with her.

Currently I am getting frustrated, worried and stressed with my mom.  This is terribly difficult for my mom and I understand that and apprieciate it but... .I have discussed with her she needs to start making some decisions for her well being.  I had a chat her her significant other on Thanksgiving.  He said she is scared to be alone (has been all her life) and dosen't sleep well.  The week before Thanksgiving when my sister was harrassing her she stayed at her friend's house and he said she slept very well.  He stayed at her house a few nights also.  He has welcomed her to stay in town with him anytime in fact he would let her move in.  My mom will not do this and dosent want to stay to often because she dosent want people to "start talking"  I could scream.  I told her to stop worring about what people say and she needs to think about her own safety and happiness.  I have told her when the roads are bad in the winter or she doesent feel well to stay with him.  So I worry!  I realize I can't control her and she can do what she wants but I am THE ONLY FAMILY she has and live 2.5hrs away. 

Yesterday my mom said she layed awake at night trying to think about why my sister would say the terrible things about her and why she says she was not a good mother.  My mom said "maybe when your dad died I should have not been thinking about myself so much and did more and told her I loved her a lot more, maybe I did not say it enough"... .MY mother totally dedicated her life to us and had NO social life and worked and did EVERYTHING for both of us.  My mom's health was not good and she worked and was home everynight and every weekend.  She never DID anything for herself it was ALL for us... .it kills me to think my mom is trying to figure out why?  I told her you could have told her you loved her 20 times a day and things would not be any different. 

Justice... .I guess what I mean by this is ... .like my sister getting arrested for drinking and driving and not wearing a seat belt, or not having her children in proper car seats.  She gets away with it all the time and truly acts "untouchable"

I do believe she is burning more bridges day by day but I wish others would stand up and "call her on this behavior" she is so manipulative she gets away with everything.  I wish she would just have the "wind knocked out out her sails so to speak" and not get away with this behavior.  I know this is dreaming as even if it did happen she would not be any different and just come up with new behaviors. 

I hate when people refer to it as us "not getting along"  that boils my blood as I am not a person that "does not get along" with anyone... .this is not a matter of "getting along"

You pose a great question "will I ever be able to have a normal life or move on"  I don't know... .this is such a heavy painful burden that makes me so sad... .I pray to move on.

I miss the relationship with my nieces and nephew that were my world before my own children.  Knowing how evil she has told them I am is so sad.  I think about all the "what if's" we could have such a great life together.  We could have so much fun with our families and the kids together and make things happy for my mom... .but instead my mother will live her senior years as I described above and the pain dosent leave my heart.

Thanks again...

[P.F.Change]

My massage was wonderful! 

So happy to hear this.  I am really glad you found it beneficial.

I eat pretty good but wish I could exersize more or at all for that matter.  My job involves walking all day so I don't sit behind a desk but I could really use some toning or cardio or even yoga.  I have looked into several things to do and thought yoga might be good.  Problem is I get up at 4:45am for work and get home between 6-7pm.  I work 4 days a week and have a 4 and 7 year old.  When I get home it's homework and get kids ready for bed and not much else besides pay bills, laundry and if we have activities to get to.  Someday.

I can definitely understand how difficult it can be to find time for exercise. It is one of those things that I have had to learn to prioritize and actually schedule in. The homework gets more intense as the kids get older, and the laundry and bills will always be there, so you may just have to decide it is important enough to take time for. Yoga can be great for learning to stretch and relax tight muscles. Are there any classes you could take right after work? Would your husband be supportive of you being home a little late one day a week? Alternatively, if there aren't any group classes at a time that will work for you, you might consider buying or renting some workout DVDs. They even make some that you can do in 10-minute segments; you could probably learn enough to get some good stretching in during your lunch break, even.

I meet with my social worker this Sunday.  She actually moved out of the area but returns to see some clients so I have my visit arranged for Sunday.  I will certainly be discussing all this with her.

Let us know how that goes!

I told her you could have told her you loved her 20 times a day and things would not be any different. 

This is very true. It is pretty normal for a parent to blame themselves when a child has problems coping with life, and it sounds like your mother is searching for answers for her pain, too. Would she be willing to seek some professional support again as well?

I can tell you care about your mother a great deal and worry about her physical and emotional well-being. It sounds like she has a really great SO who will be there to look out for her, and at least one good friend in addition to him. You may be her only reliable relative, but you are not the only support she has, which is good for both of you. Perhaps you can let go of some of the feelings of responsibility, knowing that you are part of a system that cares for your mother.  It is not all on your shoulders.

Justice... .I guess what I mean by this is ... .like my sister getting arrested for drinking and driving and not wearing a seat belt, or not having her children in proper car seats.  She gets away with it all the time and truly acts "untouchable"

I do believe she is burning more bridges day by day but I wish others would stand up and "call her on this behavior" she is so manipulative she gets away with everything.  I wish she would just have the "wind knocked out out her sails so to speak" and not get away with this behavior.  I know this is dreaming as even if it did happen she would not be any different and just come up with new behaviors.

I appreciate your clarifying what you meant here. I can totally relate to that fantasy. It would be great if everyone who needed to experience consequences would actually be held responsible for their actions.  The reality is, sometimes we are, and sometimes we aren't.  Even when people do face the music, we don't always learn from it. It doesn't necessarily change people or stop them from engaging in destructive behavior.

As I mentioned earlier, my concern is that you say you "will not be at peace unless justice is served." This is what I meant when I said, "Your happiness does not have to be harnessed to her outcome." Your sister may never be held accountable for any of her actions. Even if she is, she is likely to remain exactly as she is. That is reality. I think you have control over whether you want to feel peace or not, and it is not up to fate. If you want to, you can learn to be at peace regardless of what happens in your sister's life. It will not happen overnight, but if you are willing to take a step at a time you can get there.

Have you taken a look at any of the lessons here yet? When I first came to bpdfamily, this one was very helpful to me: Radical Acceptance for family members I would be interested in hearing your thoughts about it if you have time to look it over.

PF