Trying To Step Back But Can't

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone.

My BPDgf latest recycle experience has run its usual and predictable course. 

Although the gfs meds have helped and her personal situation has humbled her... .a lot of the same patterns as before are repeating themselves.  In the past, at this juncture, the worst in us starts to come out. She pushes away and becomes sort of an ingrate and I start to feel resentment and anger.  Then she starts to reach out to her dwindling list of backup guys (she is down to one poor soul after me).

I found out about this and kind of called her out on it in a round about way... .telling her maybe he is the right guy for you even though he does not satisfy you sexually (kind of a jab on my part).  I know that guy and he is smarter than me and will not have much to do with her even though she is reaching out to him.

I sat down with her to have a serious conversation about the future and nature of our "r/s" but although she was madly "in love" with me for the 30 or so days of the recycle (like always) she is now scared of being serious.

Bottom line here is she is running out of life preservers.

Right now she is in mexico with her family where she has to get surgery. She will be there for about 3 weeks.  She was supposed to call me to let me know she arrived safely but didn't.  I messeged her but she is not returning the texts.   

She is going into disappearing mode.

I think the best action for me is to step back and not initiate any contact at all over the next few days, weeks and/or month.

This is very difficult for me to do.

She will eventually call me when she misses me or needs something.  I hope I can just be cool and stay in control, leave her alone and detach.

[nowwhatz]

Hi Everyone.

My BPDgf latest recycle experience has run its usual and predictable course. 

Although the gfs meds have helped and her personal situation has humbled her... .a lot of the same patterns as before are repeating themselves.  In the past, at this juncture, the worst in us starts to come out. She pushes away and becomes sort of an ingrate and I start to feel resentment and anger.  Then she starts to reach out to her dwindling list of backup guys (she is down to one poor soul after me).

I found out about this and kind of called her out on it in a round about way... .telling her maybe he is the right guy for you even though he does not satisfy you sexually (kind of a jab on my part).  I know that guy and he is smarter than me and will not have much to do with her even though she is reaching out to him.

I sat down with her to have a serious conversation about the future and nature of our "r/s" but although she was madly "in love" with me for the 30 or so days of the recycle (like always) she is now scared of being serious.

Bottom line here is she is running out of life preservers.

Right now she is in mexico with her family where she has to get surgery. She will be there for about 3 weeks.  She was supposed to call me to let me know she arrived safely but didn't.  I messeged her but she is not returning the texts.   

She is going into disappearing mode.

I think the best action for me is to step back and not initiate any contact at all over the next few days, weeks and/or month.

This is very difficult for me to do.

She will eventually call me when she misses me or needs something.  I hope I can just be cool and stay in control, leave her alone and detach.

[nowwhatz]

Reply to self.

2 minutes after I posted this thread she called me from mexico. She gets major surgery on Wednesday.

Was nice and normal sounding.  She is staying with her mom who keeps her grounded. Maybe there is hope for the  hopeless.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  nowhatz,

I don't have any suggestions or comments.  Just wanted to say hello and I wish you well.

[Samuel S.]

Nowhatz, perhaps, you should change phone numbers. This is a harsh step to take. Granted, when she returns, she can try to see you, but you may wish to draw the hard line with her. It sounds like you're a very empathetic person and is concerned about her. You can be concerned about anyone, but you don't have to have a relationship, especially since she has only shown you chaos, thus being a BPD. I have had a situation just recently. A friend and nothing more and I have not seen each other for well over several years. We agreed to have lunch. I called her and got her voice mail to remind her. I emailed her as well. The day of the lunch arrived. I waited for about 10 minutes, and she did not show up. So, I ordered, ate, and left, seeing that I needed to go back to teaching. Since that time, she has not contacted me at all. Thus, just the other day, I deleted her contact information entirely. Sorry for venting, but it sounds like you want and deserve a stable, loving relationship, and your gf is not willing to be there for you. It's hard to do it. I know; however, I am married to a BPDw. At least, she is only your gf. The best of luck to you!

[nowwhatz]

 nowhatz,

I don't have any suggestions or comments.  Just wanted to say hello and I wish you well.

Thanks PR! 

[nowwhatz]

Nowhatz, perhaps, you should change phone numbers. This is a harsh step to take. Granted, when she returns, she can try to see you, but you may wish to draw the hard line with her. It sounds like you're a very empathetic person and is concerned about her. You can be concerned about anyone, but you don't have to have a relationship, especially since she has only shown you chaos, thus being a BPD. I have had a situation just recently. A friend and nothing more and I have not seen each other for well over several years. We agreed to have lunch. I called her and got her voice mail to remind her. I emailed her as well. The day of the lunch arrived. I waited for about 10 minutes, and she did not show up. So, I ordered, ate, and left, seeing that I needed to go back to teaching. Since that time, she has not contacted me at all. Thus, just the other day, I deleted her contact information entirely. Sorry for venting, but it sounds like you want and deserve a stable, loving relationship, and your gf is not willing to be there for you. It's hard to do it. I know; however, I am married to a BPDw. At least, she is only your gf. The best of luck to you!

You are probably correct.

Problem is I want a r/s with her but not the total chaos.  I want what there is during the first 30 days of our recycles... .even a lite version... .but permanent.     I don't mind a little chaos... .better than boring   ... .but I realize total chaos will destroy me.

Ideally it would be nice to be in an emotional place where I could stay in contact with her as a 'friend' with no attachment. But not there yet and not sure how to get there.

Everything may eventually take care of itself as there is a chance she will go to jail next year or even get deported.   She goes in for major surgery on Wednesday. 

Thank you for your input!

[nowwhatz]

Today I failed miserably in trying not to contact her. She is in wifi areas and capable of returning my texts but has not done so.

I emailed her saying I was worried about her health and would like to hear from her. No reply. Through the miracle of technology her picture suddenly changed and now I see she has new hair color and hair extensions... .as of a few minutes ago.

Wednesday is her surgery day. Not sure what will happen then. My conversation with her 2 days ago was so nice it is very disappointing that she cannot simply return my text messages.

I tried to call her. She said I could call because she is in a wifi area but it appears her phone has me set to go straight to vm... .so I did the same and now my iphone has her going right to vm... .if she tries to call again.

I know the best thing is to disengage... .stop trying to contact but it is so hard for me.

She has future court dates and a possible trial in a few weeks here in the usa. I plan to try to go to some of the proceedings if for nothing else to find out what she did and what kind of person she really may be.

I feel infected and not able to ever have a "normal" relationship ever in the future because of the 2 years of on and off BPD heaven and hell... .yet I can't seem to break the cycle.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I feel infected and not able to ever have a "normal" relationship ever in the future because of the 2 years of on and off BPD heaven and hell... .yet I can't seem to break the cycle.

Those are strong words, and I have felt the same way.  I know you are a strong person from your posts.  You can break the cycle, but first you have to let go.  Are you willing to let go?

[nowwhatz]

I feel infected and not able to ever have a "normal" relationship ever in the future because of the 2 years of on and off BPD heaven and hell... .yet I can't seem to break the cycle.

Those are strong words, and I have felt the same way.  I know you are a strong person from your posts.  You can break the cycle, but first you have to let go.  Are you willing to let go?

I know I hold the power to break the cycle but thus far have not had the will to let go. I stay in the cycles because I like the high in the beginning... .it is like 30 days of feeling super alive for both of us.   And then when obligations set in the party is over... .she shuts down.

I have this fantasy of a partnershp with her where I can involve her in my business because she is very bright, good with people and we could have a manageble life together.  The reality is she is a very unhealthy person and I could never trust and she would be unreliable and undependable.

As of right now I cannot contact her. She had major surgery yesterday in mexico.  I don't know if she is alive or dead.

I don't want to try to call her because she is probably in a lot of pain. She called me 2 days ago and said she would try to call me after she is back from the hospital but I told her to only call me when she felt strong enough and not to worry about me.

Getting back to letting go... .assuming she is still alive and returns here in a couple of weeks she has criminal legal proceedings (serious non-violent felony charges) to deal with.  I plan on attending some of the proceedings (although she has ordered me not to) to find out exactly what she is accused of doing and what went down. Maybe then I will have enough information to help me decide to let her go.

Am I willing to let go? Right now no. Maybe soon.

I am of the opinion that she will never let me go.

[nowwhatz]

I feel infected and not able to ever have a "normal" relationship ever in the future because of the 2 years of on and off BPD heaven and hell... .yet I can't seem to break the cycle.

Those are strong words, and I have felt the same way.  I know you are a strong person from your posts.  You can break the cycle, but first you have to let go.  Are you willing to let go?

Well I took step of deleting a social media app that I only use to contact her. She has not responded on that app to me and the messeges are delivered to the server but not her phone... .so I suspect she blocked me.

She did call me today and said she was ok and not dead and I said ok glad to hear that thanks for calling... .call me again when you are rested bye.

I really cut conversation short.

I get at least 2 weeks away from her and am going to try hard not to call her. She can call me but I don't want to call her.

Now that the 30-40 day mutual infatuation phase of the recycle is over she is keeping me around because she needs me more than ever.  I view this as the perfect time to step back... .put in solid boundaries.

Will not be easy but got to try.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with this, and I'm glad to hear that she is ok from her surgery. 

If you want to remain in her life, maybe the question of letting go can be re-framed to 'can you let go of the idea or (for me it was a fantasy) that she can be something she is not, i.e. a person who does not suffer from BPD?'  From here, then can you radically accept that and what does a relationship look like from that standpoint?  Are you willing to be a caretaker of sorts?  Best to you, and happy Thanksgiving. 

[Take2]

Getting back to letting go... .assuming she is still alive and returns here in a couple of weeks she has criminal legal proceedings (serious non-violent felony charges) to deal with.  I plan on attending some of the proceedings (although she has ordered me not to) to find out exactly what she is accused of doing and what went down. Maybe then I will have enough information to help me decide to let her go.

Am I willing to let go? Right now no. Maybe soon.

I am of the opinion that she will never let me go.

So you have no idea what felony  she's been charged with ?  and she has ordered you not to go to the proceedings... .     

I think it's actually very good that you know this is not a healthy relationship that you are in and that you consciously admit that you aren't ready to let go.  I actually understand that completely - learning about and living all of the ups and downs that go along with this disorder did not immediately prompt me to let go as it should have for a healthier individual than myself... .  I still struggle with it even now after truly unforgivable actions by my ex... .  partly because I believe in forgiveness in general but mostly because I still have not learned fully how to enforce my own boundaries. 

Good luck nowwhatz... .  you CAN let yourself detach.  At least take this time apart from her to give yourself space and to try to enjoy that space... .

[nowwhatz]

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with this, and I'm glad to hear that she is ok from her surgery. 

If you want to remain in her life, maybe the question of letting go can be re-framed to 'can you let go of the idea or (for me it was a fantasy) that she can be something she is not, i.e. a person who does not suffer from BPD?'  From here, then can you radically accept that and what does a relationship look like from that standpoint?  Are you willing to be a caretaker of sorts?  Best to you, and happy Thanksgiving. 

Phoenix that is something I have at times been able to do... .accept her as she is with the BPD.  This time around she is certainly on a more even keel because she is taking medication that actually helps her. Being a caretaker is something that may be too much for me.

I don't know if I can take it emotionally.  It is a question that I am still trying to answer. Unfortunatley I have not been able to see my old T and probably need to find a new one to go over the situation and deal with it.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

[nowwhatz]

Getting back to letting go... .assuming she is still alive and returns here in a couple of weeks she has criminal legal proceedings (serious non-violent felony charges) to deal with.  I plan on attending some of the proceedings (although she has ordered me not to) to find out exactly what she is accused of doing and what went down. Maybe then I will have enough information to help me decide to let her go.

Am I willing to let go? Right now no. Maybe soon.

I am of the opinion that she will never let me go.

So you have no idea what felony  she's been charged with ?  and she has ordered you not to go to the proceedings... .     

I think it's actually very good that you know this is not a healthy relationship that you are in and that you consciously admit that you aren't ready to let go.  I actually understand that completely - learning about and living all of the ups and downs that go along with this disorder did not immediately prompt me to let go as it should have for a healthier individual than myself... .  I still struggle with it even now after truly unforgivable actions by my ex... .  partly because I believe in forgiveness in general but mostly because I still have not learned fully how to enforce my own boundaries. 

Good luck nowwhatz... .  you CAN let yourself detach.  At least take this time apart from her to give yourself space and to try to enjoy that space... .

I know what the felony charges are but I don't know all the particular details. Nothing will really come out in the open unless it goes to trial... .I suspect there will be some kind of plea arrangement where she will accept a lesser charge but the felony classes are serious.  I can't go into the details of what I know here at this time... .but it will be important to me to eventually find out what exactly she is accused of doing.

Yes I agree red flag red flag red flag... .no brainer for sure... .but there is more to the story.

Right now with her in mexico for a couple of weeks I have a good opportunity to detach and step back a bit.  It will be interesting to see how often she tries to call or make contact while she is there.

[necchi]

Out to Mexico ...

felony charges? Did she travel within Mexico or from the us or other country?

just getting the pulse here

[nowwhatz]

Out to Mexico ...

felony charges? Did she travel within Mexico or from the us or other country?

just getting the pulse here

from us. has permission to do so from court.

[KateCat]

I have this fantasy of a partnershp with her where I can involve her in my business

It's great to hear that you recognize this as a fantasy and that you are committed to finding out more about your girlfriend's values and actions. 

When I first learned that, at least in some jurisdictions, the U.S. criminal justice system does not allow crime victims to hire attorneys for the people accused of victimizing them, I laughed. But only for about five seconds, until I remembered all the sad stories on this forum. 

[nowwhatz]

I have this fantasy of a partnershp with her where I can involve her in my business

It's great to hear that you recognize this as a fantasy and that you are committed to finding out more about your girlfriend's values and actions. 

When I first learned that, at least in some jurisdictions, the U.S. criminal justice system does not allow crime victims to hire attorneys for the people accused of victimizing them, I laughed. But only for about five seconds, until I remembered all the sad stories on this forum. 

In some ways BPD can seem like the ultimate excuse for bad behavior.

The most serious charge is actually rather difficult to prove but I live in a state that is very tough on crime.  At some point if I still care I will pull the court records if I can... .and definitely will go to any trial, if there is one.

The indictment forced her to get diagnosed and get real mental health treatment and good medication. So there is a silver lining.

I don't know the exact details on what she did but from what I do know I am not surprised because people with BPD don't know what they are doing when they think they know what they are doing.

But yeah I will dig into it little by little.  Right now I have a break from her for a couple of weeks.