I've Been Punished Enough

[Hopeless777]

I’ve been married to the same woman for 25+ years; two kids 28 and 24; a dog; a nice house; own my own company; successful in most people’s eyes; but I screwed up once. After decades of intermittent verbal abuse from her and dealing with her religious fantasies, in one night of depression, I told her I was done: nothing has been the same since. One time I let my feelings be shown, and I’m doomed: she snapped. Apparently, the underlying BPD came to the forefront and now I live in a hell of therapist sessions and constant separating and returning. I’m psychologically spent, exhausted from the 6+ hour arguments…now I really am done, I think.

I’ve turned into a pathetic person. She’s beautiful and I’m co-dependent. When we’re together the sex is unbelievable…she wants everything (and I mean everything) for hours. Then the next day comes and I’m the worst person in the world. Took her to Europe for our 25th wedding anniversary last summer. Within a week she was arrested for spousal violence (she called 911 and the police arrested her! No, I didn't touch her); we’ve been in therapy ever since. She’s probably been through 100+ hours in the last six months. But the abuse never ends.

She accuses me of infidelity, even though I’ve never even been with another woman physically or emotionally for over 28 years. She accuses me of being a porn addict, even though I work from home and she is a homemaker and has access to my computers any time: I’m not a porn addict. She accuses me of wanting to have sex with 13 year olds; to engage in all sorts of sexual acts with nearly everyone. She accuses me of having a porn girlfriend (whatever that means); she actually “sees” girls on my computer screen, but they’re not there when she comes closer. She’s constantly abusive, delusional, apparently with hallucinations. She took all the cash out of our accounts and won’t put it back even though we have bills to pay. I now have the silent treatment.

In the last year I’ve walked out because I was afraid that I would hit her, which I think she wants me to do so I can go to jail. I’ve temporarily moved out for 3+ weeks now. It is very hard emotionally as she has been my bride and the love of my life for 28+ years. But I’m too emotionally spent; too far gone. I can’t even look at her at therapy sessions anymore I’m so angry and frustrated. At our last therapy session she handed me an anniversary card from 2001 in an obvious guilt inducing ploy. She’s tried everything in the book to make me leave and force me to stay. I’m just dead inside. I want to go back home, but I’m afraid. I’m 56 and life should not be this way!

I made one significant mistake in 28 years, why must I be punished so severely?

[HarmKrakow]

Mate, i'm sorry for everything you are going through. It makes me sad to read all that, especially as I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you.

First of all, why are you so hard on yourself?

I read; "I made a mistake" ... ."Why do I need to be punishes" ... .

While all I read from you is normal sane behavior where you pointed out the mishaps and the issues and which you would like to have discussed as normal adult persons. The fact that, that enabled her is not your fault. Not even close. You would(!) be punishing yourself for not speaking up, that, that would be the issue.

Ask yourself, is it worth to live the rest of your life, years and years ahead of you (you are still young!), in such misery? In such mental pain and devastation? Don't you deserve something calmness and quietness? Peace in your mind? You do right? Right?

...

Meaning you made the correct step by starting this (inevitable) misery. All I can say is try to stay strong and think of yourself.

[Phoenix.Rising]

That sounds incredibly painful... has your wife been diagnosed with BPD?

Depending on the route you choose to take, there is a lot of helpful information in the various workshops:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

The links to the right might prove useful as well ------------->

Best to you,

Phoenix.Rising

[Dr.Me2]

Hopeless777,

I am all the way relating to your story. It is like the BPD nuclear reactor was ready to blow regardless of the trigger or excuse. In fact, in my case, with my uBPDw it was always there (the abandon child and he false self).

The false accusations and rampant allegations are the product of excessive negative projection and uncontrollable pain of emptiness , something if can spend a life time trying to understand if she does not transfer the disorder to me somehow after all the non-sense, out-of-left field, disproportionate and almost terrorizing behavior that is propelled by a sense of abandonment (actual or imagined).

The event could have been any triggered long as her imagination can feed her the needed adrenaline to exaggerate it to the ridiculous. Remember, their cognition and ability to abstract thinking have been greatly compromised.

Your quote "She tried evening in the book of make me leave an force me to stay"

I am familiar with this and I always wonder to what extent her cognition has been compromised as she seems to have the ability to plan the attacks and harassments in a very sneaky and conniving manner serving always what she wants to accomplish - inducing guilt to escape her shame.

Take care of yourself first, only then you can evaluate how and if you can help. This disorder has affected too many people and their love ones.

[Theo41]

We are in very similar situations. And you are in the right place. I've been here (BPD Family) for about 9 mos. Enormously helpful to read about others and what they do to manage through/ navigate their lives.

The tools that are taught here coupled with what I have learned in Alanon have enabled me to transition from a victim filled with pain an doubt to a person who does a lot better job of taking care of himself ... .and his wife ( to some extent). I now am able ,sometimes, to have compassion for her as a sick person, even though she is in denial.

My greatest sadness is that our children have distanced themselves from us to some degree. Can't blame them. As a matter of fact I found out too late that her behavior and my acceptance of it damaged them.

Anyhow, your in a good place and the right place. Welcome aboard.

[Hopeless777]

Thank you all for the responses. She's been in 3 hour a week therapy since her DV arrest in May. I go to a couples sessions with her once a week except for the last three weeks that I have been living separate. Another couples session tomorrow. Not sure I'll be able to resist going back home with the holidays and all... .I feel like a wimp with the back-and-forth. Anyway, I met with our therapist individually yesterday and he agreed that she was most likely BPD and has been treating her with DBT; however, he doesn't want to label her as such due to the stigmatizing effects. Of course, the problem is that even with the therapy and my validating her continuously (ugh!), there's no guarantee that life will return to normal (whatever that is!) I know this may sound goofy, but her rages take over when I refuse to sleep in our bed. If I sleep elsewhere in the house, she just freaks out. Every freak out surrounded us not sleeping together or my leaving for a time out (which was necessary due to her raging.) Is that weird or what? Must be some sort of separation anxiety that produces the rage. Of course the rage just pushes me out further, which she doesn't really want either. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Anyways, if I go back there is sure to be hell to pay as I've canceled credit cards that were solely in my name with her as an authorized user (of course, I'm still paying all the bills) and canceled our home equity line of credit (since she threatened to draw out all the money!) Looks like I'll have to play therapist when (and if) I'm home or make a final exit if the rages start again.  Just a wonderful time of year to be going through all this. Thanks for all your comments... .they really help.

[Pearl55]

Please stick to the facts and if possible consult a well experienced psychiatrist who knows what BPD is, for yourself. From what I have been told the only choice is LEAVING for my mental health. I didn't listen to my psychiatrist 2 years ago and I'm in such a REGRET because my husband destroyed me to bits. you should consider that your wife is not able to think the same way you do, even when things are quite normal. I almost lost everything financially because my husband planned well in advance to screw me up while I was very depressed and confused and still I am. The point is we get hurt a lot but they don't get hurt like us! Please look after yourself and life is too short. I will be moving out next week and although I'm so slow and drained, even I can't pack my stuff but feeling of getting rid of him gives me energy.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hopeless777, It might help to research BPD and Object Constancy.  That's what her reactions about sleeping together sound like to me. 

[Theo41]

Regarding separation anxiety, it goes with the territory. They are terrified of abandonment and will do almost anything to stop u from leaving or recycling u back in once you have left.

[ugghh]

Hopeless,

Hang in there - you sound like a devoted husband and father.  I am in similar situation, although a few years younger.  What you are experiencing is similar to many of our experiences.  My uBPDw decided to wake me up 7:30 this morning after I only had 3 hours sleep to tell me what I crappy person I am.  I made the mistake yesterday evening of telling her that I was in a funk, not sure why, but just needed some space alone.  Now I know some of what was bothering me was her recent spending binge, lack of planning for the holiday, and the fact that she has made our house a candidate for hoarders.  Yet I tried to protect her from that.

No matter immediately began conjuring up reasons in her mind for my honest sharing of my mood including that I was having an affair!  She has now been on a  bender for the last 24 hours - ooh yay its holiday time.

Number one thing is that I hope you have a therapist that is for you and you alone.  After a year and half I have finally begun to see the light of what my relationship with my spouse is and accepted that this disease is chronic.  You did not screw up. Living with having to worry about every word you say is not living.  You have done remarkably well in your business and raising your kids and I would be willing to bet most people think you are a good person.  Simply put your tank has run dry, as it has for many of us.  It's okay.    Step back and think what is right for you.  You will know get clarity with time.

[AliveButBeatup]

So strange. Be it a 28 year marriage or a 6 month marriage (that is my case), it seems the problems are dang near identical.  I cannot offer anymore advice than what has been offered.  I shake me head in that I feel for you.

I am rooting for you.

ABB

[Hopeless777]

I figured I'd give a brief update on the situation. Our T got us back together on Thanksgiving Day. My BPDw was so happy I came home after 3+ weeks away with pretty much NC. The happiness lasted two days. Ugh. Then again the ritual of screaming at me till 2AM in morning when she's worn herself out. One minute she's packing my bags. An hour later she's professing her love for me. It's so confusing. Thank God my kids are all grown and out of the house. Told the T on December 4 that I was done if there was one more knock down drag out. Of course there was. T scheduled "emergency" session with BPDw for today and me for Monday. As I have posted, I work out of the house so I'm with her 24/7 since she's a homemaker. My solution now is to pack up my work stuff (real royal pain) and leave the house from 8AM till 8PM to work. Still in the process of moving. Who knows what happens when I return home again tonight. I'm taking it one day at a time. Kind of sucks at the holidays. Once my work stuff is gone, I'm 80% of the way out the door. I'm afraid the last 20% will seem too easy. What a life!

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm sorry you're having such a struggle.  It sounds painful.  Take care you, whatever that entails.   

[myself]

Turn to the knowledge you have inside that shows you've done all you can with her. That's your strength, and the truth of who you are. That was the path you took. Everyone has the right to find some peace. Do what you need to do to get there. This is YOUR life.

[AliveButBeatup]

I left my BPDw wife around 3 months ago.  I got married on 12/12/12. I filed for divorce on June 3, 2013. We had a bit of a period of getting along over the summer.

Each day that goes, you will get better. I had a peaceful Thanksgiving. I have a peaceful Christmas planned. I have a peaceful New Years planned.  Life does go on.

My BPDw keeps telling me how much she has changed.  There are signs of it, but we all know about now, don't we?  I think she is a better wife when I am not there. Weird.  I don't communicate with her much. More like a check-in so I get a feel where her head is at in relation to the divorce.  When I do speak with her, I ask her how long it would be before she would have a meltdown if we got back together. 4 minutes?  4 hours?  48 hours?  4 days?  You go through so many cycles and finally reach a conclusion it will never be right.  A tough pill to swallow.  But a truthful pill nevertheless.

I have started dating again.  That is a whole other adventure. The focus is on being friends. I am not ready for anything intimate.  The good news is I am trusting my gut again these days. I have told one woman already who started to exhibit traits of my BPDw that it wasn't going to work out.  I didn't like doing that, but I felt good that I had the awareness to do that.  In the short time I was with my BPDw I have had enough drama to last a couple of lifetimes.  I don't need it. I don't want it.  My life has peace in it now.

ABB

[Hopeless777]

OK... .here's the next pitiful update. Well I packed up about half my office to move out to work elsewhere on Dec. 6. My BPDw was kind enough to help me by throwing all my clothes in the basement and demanding that not only I move my office but I move totally out of the house, which was not my intention. The usual screaming and hollering. It became pretty obvious (after I got her calmed down) that my moving the office is tantamount to leaving her entirely. So, like a dummy, I unpack the car and reassemble the office (she was kind enough to put my clothes back.) Then things are relatively calm until she starts up a few days ago on Dec. 12 with little comments here and there. (Gee, went 6 days without a blow up!) Then last night its full blown... .the usual ranting and not making any sense: accusations of affairs and porn and hiding things, etc., etc. I'm pretty spent, but also determined. If she wants to falsely accuse me... .end of conversation! Who knows where this all goes. She's off to see T for 2 hour session then off to babysit grandson and "maybe" she'll be back around 8PM. I see T tomorrow. This relationship appears so hopeless.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi, I went through the packing and unpacking, and having my stuff thrown out. It's definitely tough having to go through that and things just doesn't make any sense at all, and that's something that I am still working on. It's always, or mostly, about them and not us, how they are feeling and their emotions causing their behavior. I learned the hard way that they are not on the same train of thought; "out of their mind", and trying to get them back makes it worse (for my case at least). Being mindful of my own reactions, thoughts, and words, not judging, being understanding, is something I have been working on, it's not easy to keep calm when you stuff is strewn all over.

Stay calm and objective, things always seem worse than they really are and don't give up on yourself.

OK... .here's the next pitiful update. Well I packed up about half my office to move out to work elsewhere on Dec. 6. My BPDw was kind enough to help me by throwing all my clothes in the basement and demanding that not only I move my office but I move totally out of the house, which was not my intention. The usual screaming and hollering. It became pretty obvious (after I got her calmed down) that my moving the office is tantamount to leaving her entirely. So, like a dummy, I unpack the car and reassemble the office (she was kind enough to put my clothes back.) Then things are relatively calm until she starts up a few days ago on Dec. 12 with little comments here and there. (Gee, went 6 days without a blow up!) Then last night its full blown... .the usual ranting and not making any sense: accusations of affairs and porn and hiding things, etc., etc. I'm pretty spent, but also determined. If she wants to falsely accuse me... .end of conversation! Who knows where this all goes. She's off to see T for 2 hour session then off to babysit grandson and "maybe" she'll be back around 8PM. I see T tomorrow. This relationship appears so hopeless.

[HoldingAHurricane]

It's really something to feel that bone-deep kind of fatigue and despair, isn't it? When we are physically tired we all know we should sleep but when we are emotionally worn out the path to taking care of our needs is often not as so clear. I read that you are having couples therapy and your wife is in individual therapy. Have you considered having some therapy times just for you with a separate therapist? Having someone to talk with who is solely focused on supporting you and helping you think things through might be helpful whatever you decide to do.

Boundaries that minimise your exposure to prolonged, circular, and escalating rages might be worth exploring as well. It's exhausting to be a party to them and no one benefits. Only she can control her rages, but you can certainly decide how much of them you want to be around for. I have found filtering on my phone and email really helpful for his attempts to rage at me from afar. Like your wife, my dBPDh also has quite extreme paranoia when he is dysregulated and I find it really difficult to cope with. Just a final thought about the focus on sexual things. I know that my husband relied a lot of sex for validation and in that way, being extreme about sex isn't really healthy because its feeding and reinforcing an insatiable need. Her obsession about you being obsessed with sex is projecting her own relationship about sex and not about you.     

Take care of yourself 

[ugghh]

Hopeless,

I cannot agree more strongly with HoldingAHurricane (great handle by the way).  As I read your posts I see a lot of where I was just about 2 years ago.  As with many others I cannot tell you what is right for you, but I can urge you to read and work through the links on the right side to perhaps help you find the right path for you. 

For me I was so enmeshed and co-dependent I could not do it on my own.  Thank God I had a daughter who loves me enough to keep pushing me to get a therapist for me.  Not for the uBPDw - we can't fix them.  Not a marriage counselor - their job is to put things back together.  Instead of doing something for them, you need to do something for you.  Every so often I pull up the video of the Toby Keith song "I Wanna Talk About Me."  A reminder that it is not only ok, it is perfectly normal to take care of ourselves.

I even went back and looked when I first joined this board.  It was just under 2 years ago.  It was a lifeboat in an ocean where I was drowning.  In my first post I even talk about my fear of my uBPDw finding out that I was on the board and taking a long time to think of a very non-descript handle.   For some like you and I it took many years to find ourselves at the point where we sought the comfort and help that is offered here. 

Do not be so hard on yourself.  I would be willing to bet that outside of your relationship with your wife, most people who know you find you polite, generous and well versed in your chosen profession, whatever it might be.  Take that same successful attitude and apply it to finding the right path for you in your relationship. 

Not long ago I asked my counselor if the lightbulb moment I kind of experienced was common.  He said yes, good people need to go through that discernment process and get to the point where you give yourself permission to make a decisions that are in your best interest.

[AliveButBeatup]

I went through the cycle of packing and unpacking so many times, I compared my life to that of a gypsy.  I used to tell my ex-wife-to-be exactly that. I left her about 4 months ago and moved back into my house I owned prior to the marriage.  I am still trying to remove the chaos inside my house from the 15 months or so I was with this woman.

Back to the packing and unpacking.  What a draining and useless waste of energy.  I look back 4 months ago and the amount of s**t I tolerated was ridiculous.  Somewhere in this thread there is mention of the emotional fatigue. I agree 100%. I used to feel so drained. So isolated. So alone. I am still recovering from some of that. However the peace I now experience is awesome.

Once you get out of the heat of the moment and distance yourself you will feel better and better as each day passes.

ABB

[OV-105]

I feel your pain.  I'm trying to detach from a woman I fell in love with who seems to have full-blown BPD.  What makes it hard for us both is this - you remember the person you fell in love with and miss her terribly.  And from time to time you may still "see" her.  But is it worth the emotional terrorism? I can't answer that for myself, let alone for anyone else. 

But you're not alone - please know that. 

[momtara]

I'm sorry to hear it and glad you have found this board.  It is frustrating trying to manage these ups and downs.  You mention the one thing you did that unleashed all of this.  We often feel that way, but if it wasn't that one thing, it would have been another.  NORMAL PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY THE WRONG THING.  My guess is you have apologized 1,000 times.  My guess is that she has also said and done the wrong things, much worse things, and you don't punish her for it.  So try not to think "If only I hadn't said that," because you have probably walked on eggshells for years and don't even realize how carefully you've been tiptoeing.  It's not that one thing you did. 

[AliveButBeatup]

I'm sorry to hear it and glad you have found this board.  It is frustrating trying to manage these ups and downs.  You mention the one thing you did that unleashed all of this.  We often feel that way, but if it wasn't that one thing, it would have been another.  NORMAL PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY THE WRONG THING.  My guess is you have apologized 1,000 times.  My guess is that she has also said and done the wrong things, much worse things, and you don't punish her for it.  So try not to think "If only I hadn't said that," because you have probably walked on eggshells for years and don't even realize how carefully you've been tiptoeing.  It's not that one thing you did. 

Momtara, you are 100% spot on with everything you said. I like how you say it isn't one thing that is a trigger.  I used to tell people a trigger could be anything. Her farting or the wind blowing 3 mph instead of 8 mph. In other words there is no real reason.  It is impossible to apply logic to an illogical situation.  Trying to do so is an exercise in futility.

ABB

[Hopeless777]

Well, I'm back... . barely. Made it through the holidays with only the usual daily BPD low-grade nonsense. Last night, another major full blown freak out though. I won't even embarrass myself or her with the things she said. I've just learned to clam up and say nothing. Deep breathing techniques, etc. The morning came and its like nothing was said... . how strange! This almost dual personality is what makes me crazy. I could take one or the other and know what to do... . the back and forth is disturbing.

I guess that I am here: I have a marriage vow of better or worse... . sickness and health. I think she is mentally ill. I guess I'm living the "worse" and "sickness" part. The problem is that I'm the one who just wants to die.

[SimplySeattle]

Life is very short and what you experience now, is a reflection of what you'll probably see the rest of your marriage to this woman. I am in the same boat, but mine is more passive-aggressive where I don't see the blow ups. I've been married for almost a year, and I've had enough of the pulling me close and then pushing me away routine. I can do much better and you can too! Keep a journal of everything you go through daily (like I did) and review it a year later. It's a great tool to remind you of what's ahead if you decide to stay.

[Seneca]

you're right, she is sick. but when you were making that promise, you were probably thinking "horrible accident leaves you paralyzed" or "breast cancer", not "illness that causes you to treat me like something you scraped off the sidewalk for the rest of my life".

you know what else got promised on that altar? "love" "honor" "cherish" "protect" and you know what i think when i hear those promises again? "broke" "broke" "broke" "broke". you know, i am a religious person, and my faith strongly frowns on divorce. the only reason it is found acceptable is infidelity, and that is because a vow to stay true to only your spouse was broken. but when i look at my marriage, that is the only one i find that wasn't broken. you still have life left in you. you want her screaming and manipulating you on your deathbed? i sure don't. i realized that if i stayed with this and continued my beat down dog routine, it was a waste of a good life. you start thinking about what's right for you mister, not what's right "for us".   take care of yourself!

[Hopeless777]

Thank you Seneca.

Sunday night was just a continuation of Saturday night... . only worse. My BPDw starting grabbing all my business electronics and hiding them to keep me from leaving all the while she was once again throwing my clothes in a pile. I'm afraid I had it and called the police. Three officers showed up. Needless to say she immediately cleaned up the clothes and returned the office gear, which I promptly packed up and am not working outside the house. She has T tomorrow (Tues) and I have T on Wednesday. I doubt I make it till the weekend. 25+ years down the toilet. At least I have a place to go.

[Hopeless777]

Sorry for the typo in the last post. Should have been "now" instead of "not." Anyways, the not so funny thing after the police left is that she still continued the verbal abuse and told me that if I walked into our bedroom she'd call them and have me charged with attempted rape. Kind of got my attention, if however ludicrous. I think the end is near. 

[maxsterling]

Good grief!  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  We all deserve a peaceful existence, and living with a pwBPD certainly is not peaceful.

At this point, I know I would settle for just one peaceful day - but every day at least there is low grade BPD stuff.  It sounds like that is the same for you, and I know how difficult it is for you.

If you don't mind me asking, what did the police do/say?  Early on in my relationship, I called the police on my girlfriend, and it was mostly a non-productive disaster.  She still doesn't understand that I called the police because I was scared for her safety.

[Seneca]

your commitment to her wasn't for nothing -you made beautiful children i am sure. you learned a lot about humanity and yourself. i am certain you have grown in your patience, tolerance, and ability to forgive. your love and commitment to her is admirable, but if she has gotten allllll that therapy and is still this unbearable, i absolutely think you can go with a clean conscience. i am so sorry that you have to make this difficult decision. stay strong, and try to see the positives. there is life after divorce.