Why don't I speak up?

[toomanyeggshells]

Yesterday there was a minor incident with uBPDbf about a greeting card I got - of all things!  I put it on the fireplace, he laid it down, I put it back up and, finally, he laid it back down.  I stared at it, laying face down on the fireplace, every time I walked by it.  Instead of saying to him "hey, what's up with the card?", I just got aggravated and let it ruin my day.  All day I stewed about it, getting more and more upset.  It didn't even occur to me to calmly say something about it.  When I finally went to bed, I was laying there thinking about it and it hit me like a ton of bricks ... .why did I let this small, insignificant issue ruin my day?  Why didn't I just speak up?

I don't find it easy to say what's on my mind usually.  I want to, and I have great conversations in my head, but the words don't come out.  It might be because I cry very easily, even about things that don't seem to be cry-worthy. Its how I've always been and my D24 is the same way.  I wouldn't say that I'm sensitive like I can't handle things because I consider myself a strong, independent woman (who happens to be in a crappy r/s with a pwBPD). 

I think I need some assertiveness training or something.  I'm open to suggestions. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi toomany, You might want to check out Manuel Smith's book, When I say no, I feel guilty.  It has some helpful strategies for being assertive, not aggressive.  Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

I ended up not saying a lot of things to my borderline because it would cause an explosion, it was just the easy path.  And when I'd had enough and did start bringing things up, the relationship ended, because she had to have complete control at all times.

I have a long history of being passive, although lately I've gotten aggressive, sometimes too aggressive, with people, and to me that's better than passive but not as good as assertive.  One thing I've also noticed, surprise, is that if I change the dynamic of a relationship with someone, by getting aggressive and no longer being passive, I can then ease into assertive.  It's like I've given the message that I'm not going to take any of their sht, and once the new line has been drawn, assertiveness comes easier.  Of course that's with people who aren't especially disordered; my borderline ex isn't capable of 50/50 partnerships, so that never would have happened.

[Lucky Jim]

I hear you, fromheeltoheal.  I refrained from discussing certain subjects with my pwBPD for the same reason, the fear of triggering a nuclear reaction, which is how I kept the eggshells intact, at least temporarily.  The raging belligerent communication style of my BPDxW did not foster open discussions.  Towards the end of our marriage, I shared less and less with her because, in addition to explosions, I knew that any emotions I related would be used against me.  At the end, I was just going through the motions, which was just a hollow shell of a marriage.  Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

I hear you, fromheeltoheal.  I refrained from discussing certain subjects with my pwBPD for the same reason, the fear of triggering a nuclear reaction, which is how I kept the eggshells intact, at least temporarily.  The raging belligerent communication style of my BPDxW did not foster open discussions.  Towards the end of our marriage, I shared less and less with her because, in addition to explosions, I knew that any emotions I related would be used against me.  At the end, I was just going through the motions, which was just a hollow shell of a marriage.  Lucky Jim

Me too, and it has motivated me to dig deep and find out why.  I don't believe my borderline was intentionally mean and constantly playing a game, although it can look like that on the surface.  Having dug into the clinical side of the disorder, a borderline never separated form their primary caregiver, the person they considered themselves to be 'one' with, which is why they are not an autonomous 'self'.  So we are the replacements for that earliest attachment, and when a borderline attaches to us we create one 'person' with no boundary between in their head.  I liken it to when we have two opposing thoughts in our head, a decision to make on which one to keep, a little mental war going on; that's the way a borderline shows up in relationships, all of it subconscious mind you, but that goes a long way to explaining the chaos for me.

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks Lucky Jim, I'll look into the book.