I'm tired of the mental BS. I need to detach. I can't be like this anymore.

[Tryingnottoslip]

After two f#king years I can say I am finally going to start moving on.


For those who read my post yesterday, I finally had conformation that she is in a relationship. The same stupid poses she did, the same banal love quotes as captions etc.

For 2 years, I pathetically had hope. Hope that she would apologize, regret, and realise that she messed up. I hoped and HOPED that she would contact me because that meant I could tell her a rather lengthy piece of my mind and obtain closure, however futile it may be. My birthday, christmas, our anniversary, holidays etc. not a peep.

I held on to the thought that she felt the same way or even behind her BPD, lies a girl who knows she messed this relationship up, that she hurt me deeply. I thought that because she had several hundred photos of us still up on social networking sites after 2 years and having several family/friends on said sites, that I was on her mind.

I could of moved to the Oort cloud some several MILLION miles away from planet earth and that wouldn't do jack sh#t in terms of detaching.

This weekend I've felt so pathetic and just consumed with anger. Anger at myself. I let her treat me like this, I let her use her abusive past to abuse me and to mitigate her behavior.

I wasted my time thinking, being hopeful about someone whom was already having sex with numerous men 2 months after we broke up. What was I doing? Mourning her... .I was crying hysterically. I wasted 2 years of my LIFE thinking about someone who is disordered.

Where am I in her mind?

I'm just a bad guy. I'm another additional fishhook used to reel the next sucker in. I'm so angry with myself that I allowed her to treat me like this, I let myself paint her white. I allowed myself to feed the thoughts of "what if?... .Does she miss me?" When I am no where in her mind to be found.

Today I looked in the mirror and saw a handful of gray hair. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can't be letting this animal in my mind. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to think about her. I just want to care about her the same way I care about a calculator or a sharpie marker.

I don't want to think "what if this guy understands her? doesn't trigger her? what if she gets better? what if her life becomes so much better?  I just want to NOT give a sh#t. I want to feel the same emotional ambivalence as I do with a sharpie or stapler.

sorry for the rant but I need to vent.

[heartandwhole]

Let it out, Trying, we're listening. 

I'm sorry that your hopes have been dashed.  I know the pain of fabricating a relationship where none existed (or one completely opposite to what I'd thought).  I was angry, too.  At him and mostly at myself.

These are healthy feelings, and they will pass.  We won't let you get stuck there.

[Tryingnottoslip]

heartandwhole    thank you...

It's incredible it's been two years since I've last spoken/seen her yet I feel like we JUST broke up. It feels so new to me.

If you could be so kind... what advice do you have? What could be helpful in detaching? what can I do?

[almostmarried]

She will NOT get better.

Believe me... .I wasted more than 2 years on my ex- BPD gf.

There WAS,there IS,and there will NEVER EVER be a "relationship" with somebody like this.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

The ONLY thing that really matters is to ask yourself: "Who am I ?"

LET GO.

[smartwoman220]

Trying... .we are in the  same boat.  I'm trying yo figure out how to  detatch, because I just don't want to care anymore.  I really  don't... .



But please remember... .This too shall pass... .


((hug))

[heartandwhole]

If you could be so kind... what advice do you have? What could be helpful in detaching? what can I do?

Trying, in my experience, hope can be the biggest block to healing.  The day I didn't "believe" anymore in my fantasy about my relationship with pwBPD was the day I was set free to heal.  It sounds like you are there, my friend.

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

I found them very helpful – it's a great place to start.

Therapy, NC, and this site is my recipe for success, and yours may be different.  I don't know what you've tried, but here are some things to consider:

• Keep asking yourself what you want and need, that will point you toward your next steps.



• Ask questions about the detachment process, we'll support you.



• Get a therapist, or some in-person support in addition to this site.



• Get your mind on a new project, hobby, subject that has nothing to do with your ex.



• Take a break from social media– a long one– if you can.



• Exercise as much as possible



• When the difficult feelings come, breathe slowly, and do nothing.

And finally, keep posting.  We've been there and we care.

[State85]

Trying... .I know how you feel. I waste so much energy wondering what she is doing, who she is with, and why. Why after the abuse (emotional, verbal, and even physical) do I still feel this way. Tears ya up inside. Thing is, I know who she is with... .same person she has always run to after each break up, yet she says they are only "friends"... .don't think so. Now, I believe there have been and are others she calls "friends".

We have been broken up almost 2 months now, and she wants to be friends. Says she can be my best friend. I believe it's just her way of keeping me around, on a shelf, until my number comes up again.

Detaching is difficult. I really don't think she is just sitting around with the same emotions I am having... .she says she is hurting as well, but I'm not buying it.

Hang in there, I'm trying as well. We will get through this.

[Tryingnottoslip]

thank you all for your input you are all godsent.

Heartand whole Yes. I am thinking of just going off the grid for a while. Take care of me. Hope is the last hook that kept me in line for 2 freaking years! ridiculous!

After all the pain, the downright disrespectfulness, I had hope I'd come home and she is in front of my doorstep ready to apologize. Geezzzzz WHATTA idiot I've been.  To think that she is in possession of a rational mind.

State85,

Yes, The time and energy spent kills me. 2 months is not that much as 2 years don't let yourself get to this point. Post and as blunt and as much as it may hurt... .Kill any sort of hope. Nip it in the bud.

[ucmeicu2]

Heartand whole Yes. I am thinking of just going off the grid for a while. Take care of me. Hope is the last hook that kept me in line for 2 freaking years! ridiculous!  After all the pain, the downright disrespectfulness, I had hope I'd come home and she is in front of my doorstep ready to apologize. Geezzzzz WHATTA idiot I've been.  To think that she is in possession of a rational mind.

State85,

Yes, The time and energy spent kills me. 2 months is not that much as 2 years don't let yourself get to this point. Post and as blunt and as much as it may hurt... .Kill any sort of hope. Nip it in the bud.

i saved something someone here wrote a while back (sorry i don't know the author) that helps me:

 

"the longer i hang on to this false hope, the longer i will live in this hell."

see, the thing is, the outcome is so contingent on what goes on between our ears. 

[damage control]

Trying ... hope is the worst ... it has only been 4 weeks since my split and I am working every day to kill the hope - my brain knows that it will never happen but my heart just refuses to believe that someone could ___ me over so badly and then just carry on with their life as if nothing had happened. As if I never happened.

But, that is exactly what he is doing ... and I am forcing myself to try and swallow that fact no matter how distasteful and shameful I find it ... I haven't achieved it yet ... but I guess all we can do is keep trying, keep posting, keep talking, keep reading and keep the faith.

[goldylamont]

Trying, the fact that you're so pissed right now is a sign of your healing. In a way hanging onto the hope is easier than accepting the inevitable, so we push away the real pain and anger thinking one day we won't have to deal with it, if it just all "works out". congratulate yourself for getting to the point where you know your pain and anger and welcome them as the next stage of your recovery. also, get rid of her on facebook if you haven't already--you shouldn't be "friends" with anyone like this that isn't really your friend at all. defriending or better yet blocking her (if you haven't already) is a good way to start what we call "radical acceptance"--i did this when i was angry, and it was a good thing to do.

i remember hearing a quote, someone saying that his father told him this wisdom: that maturity means seeing the world as the way it is, not as the way we want it to be. and, the way the world is is not always fair, or easy. but you know what, the way the world is can be beautiful, satisfying and full of wonder. i think you are that much closer now to this reality.

[Pretty Woman]

It's amazing that after two years we still grieve. There are people on this forum grieving so many years after.

I have never grieved a relationship in the past like this before.

I think because this one knocks our self esteem on our arses. You have no closure so you are left contemplating.

All I can say is it has to get better. Therapy is so important.

[Cardinals in Flight]

She will NOT get better.

Believe me... .I wasted more than 2 years on my ex- BPD gf.

There WAS,there IS,and there will NEVER EVER be a "relationship" with somebody like this.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

The ONLY thing that really matters is to ask yourself: "Who am I ?"

LET GO.

D I T T O  

Trying, I could have written every word with a few minor changes, move on... .

I too spent the last two years of my life doing the same.  There were snippets of happiness, good times, and of course, great photos.  But a person with BPD is an empty shell.  If you take note, the

people who do stay in their lives are superficial and there's no meat to the relationship.

Run now, block numbers, delete all that can be deleted, it's very freeing.  Cry when you need to, write it out, but most important is GET OUT.

CiF

[Tryingnottoslip]

Trying ... hope is the worst ... it has only been 4 weeks since my split and I am working every day to kill the hope - my brain knows that it will never happen but my heart just refuses to believe that someone could ___ me over so badly and then just carry on with their life as if nothing had happened. As if I never happened.

Damage control... .This is what f#king gets me!

I scream and scream at how in the hell this unjustice could not be returned to her? well she does have BPD. It's just so hard to apply that she's miserable despite the countless times I've seen her miserable. Her social networking sites show a grand life. No one has an idea how she truly is and despite how sick she is... .She is happy with her new relationship. This whole thing is making me think irrational.

Ucmeicu2- Agreed. I hate admitting it but after 2 years, that's 730 days, I wasted thinking about her because I had hope. False hope at that. It's hard to grasp reality and realize that this whole thing, including the relationship, was never real. When I think back on it, I didn't know who the f##k she was. I don't/can't believe anything she has ever told me.

Goldylamont- Your post was uplifting. It's better to grasp the reality of life than to live in delusion however satisfying or reassuring. I am pissed. At her but mostly myself.[/b]  I feel like I just stacked 100,000 domino pieces only to knock them down prematurely. All that effort, time, energy wasted for absolutely no reason. What's even worse is the fact that I had the illusion that I was on her mind.   What an Idiot I've been.

Earth Angel, Going NC and having no closure is what kept me in the hook. I

Cardinals in flight- I hope I can be as free as an actual cardinal in flight . It's amazing to know that I am not alone. I felt so pathetic for so long because after so long I still thought about her. Wishing she was in my bed cuddling with me. Thinking that she feels /felt the same way about me.

Everytime I say those lines I just want to climb Mt. Everest and scream as loud as possible because it frustrates me deeply.

[trampledfoot]

@tryingnottoslip

Thanks for this post. I see myself heading down this path and I don't want to be where i am now two years from now. I need to give up on this BS idea that she ever loved me.  I was with my ex-BPDgf for almost three years.  then this march she blacked me out for the final time. Then just as I was about to let her go she pulled me back in under the "friend" guise this worked for about 3 months until i could no longer take her acting like she was in love with me but telling me that she wasn't and just wanted to be friends. So we split again in August, and I still wake up every day missing her. I experience all of the same things you describe. me constantly wondering "does she miss me" will this next call be her. Does she still care about me?

These thoughts echo in my mind day after day.  I have a lot of other girls interested in me but i cannot for the life of me begin to even remotely think of dating them i try but then I instantly lose interest. I just want this to stop.

[Changingman]

I have to understand her inability to love, this is it for me. A horrendous idea, the inability to love, of all the things I desire in life is love. What an ultimate joke on me that I end up with someone who cannot, that Desire in me captivated her, but made her aware she couldn't. At the end she hated me, hated our dogs, hated our house , hated and cheated and  punished and lied.

They are not in love with another, they have never been in love, not with their mother, father, brother, sister, others. This is their hell.

We still apply our values and heart to this confusion... .Madness this way comes. What you thought you had didn't exist,  for her it has never existed and will never exist, I'm not sure if after years of therapy it exists.

The fear that the next/last one will not trigger her is just that. Fear.

We are like soap fans believing the actors are really their characters.

But our pain is real, our hope is real and that is our promise of tomorrow, with someone capable of love and not mental illness.

Good luck