I think I am weird

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, thought I would try a more introspective post as things settle down in my life.  I found this site ages ago(2 years) when I was in deep turmoil.  My wife was spiraling down again and finding this site was like a shining light in the dark for me.  I found great tools and it helped for a good amount of time years to be true.  I know things were bad even then, there was never the give and take of a normal relationship.  I felt that I could keep changing and ignoring the reality of the situation to maintain the marriage.  I lied to myself so many times that what I was experiencing was normal.  I don't know why, I can't for the life of me understand it now. I have hardly been out of the house 20 days and life is so much better.  I am so angry with myself now for putting up with it so long.  But that isn't the real topic today just a little background to why I feel so weird.

To say I have no hard feelings towards my future exwife would be a lie but I don't feel it the way I expected.  I look at it almost like a past event.  I have had many conversations with her since, where she is struggling to recycle me but I found all the information from this site is giving me the strength to just say NO, and mean NO. There is literally no part of me that wants anything more with her in the form of an intimate relationship.  I have seen her rage comeback once so far when her stress was too high and proved to me that the "new her" I am seeing is nothing real.  I feel that after a 9 year relation ship I would be so much more attached that I would be hurting to go back.  Part of me knows how easy it would be to go back, but none of me wants it, or even entertains it as an idea.  Is it weird to be so detached?  I know I am not undamaged, and it will be years before I trust another person in a close relationship. I feel strange that I was able to just stop taking the abuse so strongly, and end it and really and honestly stand firm on this. I guess my own confidence is so strange to me.

[Knowingishalf]

Hi all, thought I would try a more introspective post as things settle down in my life.  I found this site ages ago(2 years) when I was in deep turmoil.  My wife was spiraling down again and finding this site was like a shining light in the dark for me.  I found great tools and it helped for a good amount of time years to be true.  I know things were bad even then, there was never the give and take of a normal relationship.  I felt that I could keep changing and ignoring the reality of the situation to maintain the marriage.  I lied to myself so many times that what I was experiencing was normal.  I don't know why, I can't for the life of me understand it now. I have hardly been out of the house 20 days and life is so much better.  I am so angry with myself now for putting up with it so long.  But that isn't the real topic today just a little background to why I feel so weird.

To say I have no hard feelings towards my future exwife would be a lie but I don't feel it the way I expected.  I look at it almost like a past event.  I have had many conversations with her since, where she is struggling to recycle me but I found all the information from this site is giving me the strength to just say NO, and mean NO. There is literally no part of me that wants anything more with her in the form of an intimate relationship.  I have seen her rage comeback once so far when her stress was too high and proved to me that the "new her" I am seeing is nothing real.  I feel that after a 9 year relation ship I would be so much more attached that I would be hurting to go back.  Part of me knows how easy it would be to go back, but none of me wants it, or even entertains it as an idea.  Is it weird to be so detached?  I know I am not undamaged, and it will be years before I trust another person in a close relationship. I feel strange that I was able to just stop taking the abuse so strongly, and end it and really and honestly stand firm on this. I guess my own confidence is so strange to me.

[nevaeh]

I felt that I could keep changing and ignoring the reality of the situation to maintain the marriage.  I lied to myself so many times that what I was experiencing was normal.  I don't know why, I can't for the life of me understand it now. I have hardly been out of the house 20 days and life is so much better.  I am so angry with myself now for putting up with it so long.  But that isn't the real topic today just a little background to why I feel so weird.

To say I have no hard feelings towards my future exwife would be a lie but I don't feel it the way I expected.  I look at it almost like a past event.  I have had many conversations with her since, where she is struggling to recycle me but I found all the information from this site is giving me the strength to just say NO, and mean NO. There is literally no part of me that wants anything more with her in the form of an intimate relationship.  I have seen her rage comeback once so far when her stress was too high and proved to me that the "new her" I am seeing is nothing real.  I feel that after a 9 year relation ship I would be so much more attached that I would be hurting to go back.  Part of me knows how easy it would be to go back, but none of me wants it, or even entertains it as an idea.  Is it weird to be so detached?  I know I am not undamaged, and it will be years before I trust another person in a close relationship. I feel strange that I was able to just stop taking the abuse so strongly, and end it and really and honestly stand firm on this. I guess my own confidence is so strange to me.

I don't think you're weird at all... .I think you are BRAVE and LUCKY!

I am looking forward to being in the same place as you within the next 2 months!

[Jbt857]

Knowing,

First of all - congratulations! You have come so far, and have a lot of useful information and tools in/under your belt.

I was married for about the same length of your marriage and initially, when it finally ended, I felt great. Empowered, strong, confident, absolutely certain. In my case, the sheer relief of not being engaged in the push/pull, not having to walk on eggshells was an immense relief.

I've since had a few times where bam - it's hit me and I've felt massive regret, uncertainty that I was right to end it, and generally - lower than even the lowest points of my marriage.

I only stumbled on this place during the first of those downs - which happened about 4 months since he finally left.

When I felt good, just after he'd gone, I sometimes questioned if it was too good to be true - and for me, it was. It was probably simply my coping mechanisms kicking into self-preservation mode, because at that point, right after he left, I'm not sure that I could have coped with fully processing my emotions and looking so closely at myself and all the work I've since had to do on myself, to try and work through it.

But that's me. You had 2 years understanding of BPD in your armoury. I genuinely hope that means for you, that the worst has passed and you're coming out the other side. But if your resolve ebbs and flows,  be prepared to work with it too. But I'm hoping for your sake that you're through it - just don't beat yourself up if it clouds up a little on your way.

I really wish you all the best. 

[Knowingishalf]

Thank you both so much for the replies.  I am worried here that my doubt will return, I was in a holding pattern for 1.5 years knowing leaving was the best thing I could probably do for my self and daughter.  I even sat down on the last day and almost unloaded the car and gave up. I know that it will get harder, but I just feel weird that right now I don't have the regret that I thought I would... .

[Jbt857]

Well for goodness sake, don't hang around here waiting or expecting to feel bad! Put all of that information you learned to good use, enjoy the now and worry about the rain if, and when it comes!

Don't think the bad times *will* come. Figure you'll deal with them *if* they come. As the saying goes, don't look for trouble - it will find you... .

Could well be that you shed a lot of the cr*p in that 1.5 years and it's done with. Here's hoping!

[livednlearned]

Saying NO and meaning NO -- don't underestimate how powerful that is. You made a decision to take care of yourself, to put yourself first. Feeling detached from her is a sign that you are getting stronger:

I guess my own confidence is so strange to me.

Have you ever felt this before in your life? When is the last time you felt confident?

[Knowingishalf]

Livednlearned-

To answer your question, I think the best answer I have is never.  I have never felt this way before, and it is spilling over to all aspects of my life in crazy ways.  I am better at my job, others look at me different as well it is the weirdest thing.  I have done more quality work in the last 2 weeks than in the last 3 years... .Which I think makes me weirder.

[Lady31]

Hey Knowing,  I have been exactly where you are.

I had a shorter relationship with mine though.  I was dating him/married for about 6 years or just shy of that and he was in my life for about 9 years.

I also found these boards about 2 years ago and have posted off and on.  During that time it was an intense roller coaster of up and down.  I wasn't ready to totally let go.

That day finally came after he crossed some lines and I knew I could not go back - he didn't want me to either, he wanted a divorce.

The first few months I hardly thought of him, had so much peace and had some fun traveling and such.

Then it hit me.  I think it is the relief at finally getting an answer and finally being able to get out of the hell. Once I was out of the anxious hell that was so bad I was REPELLED by him - I started grieving all the hurtful things he did during our marriage.  All the dreams of what was supposed to be.  I started seeing the entire marriage in a different light (even more than I had while learning of his issues while still together those last 2 years) and experienced some shock and extreme sadness.

I don't know if that will happen for you or not.  If it does, don't worry - you will get through it.  I'm slowly pushing through this phase, but I am pushing through and things do get better.

You will most likely have some feelings after the shock and relief wear off - you were in a serious long term relationship with this person.

The main point is, you are moving forward and getting out of hell.

And you know how it goes:

When you are going through hell - you keep on going.

[momtara]

It is so easy to get sucked into remembering the good times.  But sometimes things just shift and you remember how bad it could get - and it's a relief to leave.  I don't think that's so weird.

Now, as for why we end up with someone like this in the first place - well, yeah, some of us are probably weird in that respect!

[livednlearned]

Can you say more about why it is weird?

Weird means strange, unusual, abnormal. It can also mean that it is something unpleasant. But it sounds like you are feeling positive about it.

What is good about it? Do you like it?

[Knowingishalf]

I am really, really really (I could keep going here) happy when I am away from her. I really expected to feel more of the guilt and obligation to keep taking care of her.  Hence why I feel weird, like I should be feeling sad and regretful for leaving my wife of 5 years 10 year relationship.  I am only feeling relief, lot of it I feel so much at peace I almost feel like something is wrong with me.  I found myself sitting quietly in my bedroom last night doing nothing but sitting and taking in the quite.  This was the most at peace I have been in years.  Even contact with her doesn't seem to upset my path/calm any longer.  That is why I feel it is weird like I should be feeling otherwise.

[nevaeh]

I am really, really really (I could keep going here) happy when I am away from her. I really expected to feel more of the guilt and obligation to keep taking care of her.  Hence why I feel weird, like I should be feeling sad and regretful for leaving my wife of 5 years 10 year relationship.  I am only feeling relief, lot of it I feel so much at peace I almost feel like something is wrong with me.  I found myself sitting quietly in my bedroom last night doing nothing but sitting and taking in the quite.  This was the most at peace I have been in years.  Even contact with her doesn't seem to upset my path/calm any longer.  That is why I feel it is weird like I should be feeling otherwise.

I think that sounds wonderful.  Maybe it will hit you in a while, like a few weeks or something, but I can only imagine how you must feel to finally be free of your wife and the madness surrounding her.  Our house is so relaxed when my H is gone - kids are relaxed, I'm relaxed, we joke around and have fun.  As soon as that door opens from the garage or we hear his footsteps as he walks in, everyone tenses up - it's obvious and sad.  When I think about what my life will be like after separation, I have a glimpse of what it will be like, except I won't have to worry about the garage door opening or H walking in... .EVER. 

I am so happy for you!  Just enjoy it.  You deserve it after the life you just left behind.

[livednlearned]

I am really, really really (I could keep going here) happy when I am away from her. I really expected to feel more of the guilt and obligation to keep taking care of her.  Hence why I feel weird, like I should be feeling sad and regretful for leaving my wife of 5 years 10 year relationship.  I am only feeling relief, lot of it I feel so much at peace I almost feel like something is wrong with me.  I found myself sitting quietly in my bedroom last night doing nothing but sitting and taking in the quite.  This was the most at peace I have been in years.  Even contact with her doesn't seem to upset my path/calm any longer.  That is why I feel it is weird like I should be feeling otherwise.

This made me smile  

You feel great, and calm, and peaceful, but just a little worried that feeling so good is wrong. Like, hey, wait a sec, where are the bad feelings? I was counting on the bad stuff coming with me. You just took a massive step forward in taking care of yourself. That's how you shake the bad feelings. Feeling guilty about taking care of her goes away when you make that psychological leap toward taking care of you.

Stay in this as much as you can -- all kinds of boundaries start to look super clear when you recognize what this is. Takes a lot of the doubt out of situations. I felt like my real self finally moved in.

[livednlearned]

Also? This is HUGE for your daughter that you're feeling this way. If you could measure her stress levels, I'm sure you would see a big drop. Just feeling your calm, let's her feel it too.

I remember walking into the apartment with S12 that first year after leaving N/BPDx. One day we walked in the door, and both of us let out a huge sigh. We looked at each other and laughed, and I gave him a big hug. Didn't even need to say a word about why. We both knew.

[ucmeicu2]

I am really, really really (I could keep going here) happy when I am away from her. I really expected to feel more of the guilt and obligation to keep taking care of her.  Hence why I feel weird, like I should be feeling sad and regretful for leaving my wife of 5 years 10 year relationship.  I am only feeling relief, lot of it I feel so much at peace I almost feel like something is wrong with me.  I found myself sitting quietly in my bedroom last night doing nothing but sitting and taking in the quite.  This was the most at peace I have been in years.  Even contact with her doesn't seem to upset my path/calm any longer.  That is why I feel it is weird like I should be feeling otherwise.

hi there, Knowing, well it sounds to me like you are achieving "detachment".  bravo.

there could also be a bit of euphoria of relief b/c the abuse is gone... .that happened to me.  and that can lead to a backlash/rebound of FOG and/or of missing your ex... .happened to me too. 

does this resonate with you?  what steps/actions can you have in place to protect yourself emotionally if that backlash was to happen?  think of it as a safety plan, just in case.  for example, for me it's important to remind myself of all the pain/suffering/and sadness i felt when i was with my ex.  IOW, a good dose of reality.

[peacebaby]

I feel that after a 9 year relation ship I would be so much more attached that I would be hurting to go back.  Part of me knows how easy it would be to go back, but none of me wants it, or even entertains it as an idea.  Is it weird to be so detached?  I know I am not undamaged, and it will be years before I trust another person in a close relationship. I feel strange that I was able to just stop taking the abuse so strongly, and end it and really and honestly stand firm on this. I guess my own confidence is so strange to me.

I've been out of my relationship, ie, my partner has been gone from our home, for two weeks, and I feel fantastic. I think I did a lot of grieving and introspection and feeling bad about myself while we were still together, and mostly now I just feel free. 12 years is a long time, and really it should have ended years ago. I think perhaps feeling detached is part of knowing I'm ready, that this was the right thing, that I'm concentrating on me and not on her. I see her and I don't feel anything special, I think about the good times and I feel good about them. I dunno. I think it's radical acceptance. And the fact that we both agreed to end it at the same time. She's having a much more difficult time than I am.

I assume there will be times when it's harder. Christmas is coming, after all.   

[Knowingishalf]

does this resonate with you?  what steps/actions can you have in place to protect yourself emotionally if that backlash was to happen?  think of it as a safety plan, just in case.  for example, for me it's important to remind myself of all the pain/suffering/and sadness i felt when i was with my ex.  IOW, a good dose of reality.

This is one of my biggest fears.  I know through the time we were together I could so easily forgive her actions.  I still overlook the rages, as they are occurring now.  As for my plan I went and am starting therapy with one of the goals being this exact issue.  I don't want to go back to the FOG again every.  But I think I also need to be angrier with her, and I am having a hard time summoning any anger at all.  I am so relieved currently, it is almost impossible to just not smile. 

That and long distance running... .This is where I do my thinking.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was mad at and completely done with her, extremely relieved that I had left, and felt very free and happy for maybe 2 months after I left her.  Then I started to remember things that happened and get very pissed off, mostly at myself, spent time denying it, then upon digging it turned into depression, then lost, physically sick, back to depression, and now it feels like I'm landing on acceptance.  I never want to see her again and it hasn't been about her in a long time, it's my stuff I've been facing, a lot of repressed crap bubbling up, regrets, feels like life is totally different, but on the way to better once I completely purge.

Anyway, my relationship was much shorter than yours and we were never married, don't mean to bum your high, run with it if you got it, and could be that you've already been through all those stages when you were in the relationship, and this is acceptance and relief you're feeling.  Good for you, and enjoy the heck out of it!