Left BPDGF, 62 days N.C. Sleeping with others helps

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi Everyone,  Left my BPDGF out of state 62 days ago & haven't had contact since. Most probably won't agree with me here but what seems to help me to cope is sleeping with others. My ex cheated several times when we were together that I know about & probably many more times that I don't know about. I had opportunities when I was with her but wouldn't go for it, I just don't believe in cheating. Anyway, now that were not together it's not cheating so I've slept with 2 of my friends. All I can say is "it helps"... .I do realize that 'issues' will quite possibly arise but in the meantime it seems to be working. Has anyone else found this to help?  zzz  

[hurtbyboderline]

Hi Everyone,  Left my BPDGF out of state 62 days ago & haven't had contact since. Most probably won't agree with me here but what seems to help me to cope is sleeping with others. My ex cheated several times when we were together that I know about & probably many more times that I don't know about. I had opportunities when I was with her but wouldn't go for it, I just don't believe in cheating. Anyway, now that were not together it's not cheating so I've slept with 2 of my friends. All I can say is "it helps"... .I do realize that 'issues' will quite possibly arise but in the meantime it seems to be working. Has anyone else found this to help?  zzz  

[necchi]

Maybe you should move the the leaving board?

For me intimacy is a privilege. But I've not always respected this.

in the case of my exuBPDgf i did have sex w/another girl on a b/u but it wasn't gratifying at all an i knew it but just had to try to be sure. Right now in 5 months n/c and can't visualize myself w/another person than her... .different strokes for different folks i guess?

[Ironmanrises]

5 months of NC later, and I still can't even look at another woman like that. I can't even masturbate without crying at the end. Sex for me is more then just the physical act. It has to mean something. If that helps you, go for it. Relationships/sex are a distant thought for me.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I think it's a double-edged sword. I've slept with probably 15 women since my ex and I broke up in March. While it does help the ego, and takes the pain away for a little while, ultimately I still end up empty and longing. I still can't find someone who compares to her, and at this point I feel like I'm just using these girls like she used me.

[babyspook]

Well, to each his own I suppose…just know your capabilities and limitations if you do decide to make that move and go out on a date.  Personally, I have no problem whatsoever going out on dates with other women.  In fact, I highly encourage it.  I didn’t say have sex, I just said “date”.  It’s not easy the first time around because your confidence level has been shattered and that’s understandable.  And for others, they feel as if they’re “cheating”.  Really?  How so?  The only person I’d be cheating on is myself if I didn’t go out and try.  Jesus actually enjoyed the company of women….someone of the opposite sex.  It’s comforting.  He didn’t date them, just enjoyed their presence. 

Dating is simply getting to know someone else and there are no obligations to do anything else with that person if you two don’t hit it off at the end of the night.  However, you two may just become really good friends after that encounter.  That’s one thing you need in your life at this point, isn’t it?  By going out on dates, you’re putting yourself out there and you’re proactively doing something with your life.  You’re not at home by yourself fighting off those wonderful memories of your ex because your date is unknowingly doing that for you.  On top of that, you’re honing those social skills you used to have before your life was left in ruins so that when you DO decide to you want to try love again, meeting new people won’t be so difficult. 

As for sex, I don’t mind it at all.  Just practice safely.

[Undone123]

I think it's a double-edged sword. I've slept with probably 15 women since my ex and I broke up in March. While it does help the ego, and takes the pain away for a little while, ultimately I still end up empty and longing. I still can't find someone who compares to her, and at this point I feel like I'm just using these girls like she used me.

jeeeeesus! I've been single since march, managed 2 - and it was rubbish with both! PLAYER!

[BorderlineMagnet]

Undone,

It's not been that great. The first woman I had the opportunity to have sex with, I couldn't. She was gorgeous and I left her place in tears because I couldn't even touch her. Thankfully she was extremely understanding due to the fact that her sister has BPD, so she understood the pain I was in. Then I got back in to partying to kill the pain and ended acting like my ex in my opinion. I used sex as a tool to kill the pain and validate myself, just like she had done. I wanted to know that her praising me in bed wasn't just from her idealizing me. When I found that other women were equally complimentary in that area, it only helped momentarily. A band-aid. I'm now at a place where I don't have that desire for sex anymore, and I'm just lost and confused again. So while we can agree that the sex does help, be careful. I ended up becoming just like my pwBPDexgf, and to think about that makes me sick.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I think it's a double-edged sword. I've slept with probably 15 women since my ex and I broke up in March. While it does help the ego, and takes the pain away for a little while, ultimately I still end up empty and longing. I still can't find someone who compares to her, and at this point I feel like I'm just using these girls like she used me.

Truly I'm Not judging. I just think if we were all honest we would agree that sleeping around is absolutely not the healthy answer. If you want to heal then you have to work on yourself. Alone! With supportive friends and family of course. I feel all your doing is deepening your wounds. A form of self sabotage. These are the disordered coping mechanisms we blame our BPDs for.

As for using these women. If you think you are then you probably are. Do they know of your intentions? Do they have expectations that your not being honest about? If they do fine. But if not your being dishonest.

Actually this is the exact reason I don't want to start dating again. I'm afraid I'm going to find a guy who hasn't worked on his s**t and just wants to scr*w around with me so he can self soothe or massage his ego and I don't know it till it's too late. Like my ex did.

And seriously, 15? How do you even find that many? I am told I am a pretty good looking woman and I would find it hard to find just one this soon. Well I guess if I just wanted a roll in the hay it might be easier but I don't... .

[goldylamont]

i started dating and had sex maybe a few weeks or so after my ex moved out (about 2 months after breaking up) -- personally i feel like my experiences were really healthy. the first person i was with though it was really weird... .i mean i did enjoy the sex but i wasn't really capable of being in a r/s and this person didn't give off this vibe any way. i think the main thing is honesty--so i tried to be honest to each woman about my intentions with each of them. all in all over the course of about 6 months i dated a few but slept with 4 women, which is kind of a lot but again i knew i was self medicating, i was honest with all of them and in general i really had fun and was appreciative of their company. well, what happened was, the 4th woman i was with, when we initially met, i thought "she's cool, but i don't think i'll be in a long term r/s with her"--boy was i wrong. i totally fell in love with her! and she was/is a beautiful person. we were together for a full year and i still care and have feelings for her (we've been apart about 6 months). she showed me what it was like to be with a woman who had character, integrity, true independence and completely loving, *without* sacrificing hot sex! !

oddly enough, after our r/s ended, it's been six months and i've dated here and there but nothing even close to sex happened yet in this time. i don't have anything to prove, just been focused on work/music. because my last ex was healthy and i was so sexually satisfied with her i feel like this gave me a buffer where i haven't been searching so hard to validate myself. but now, 6 months out i'm starting to get that itch again and looking at dating some women... .i'm excited, not rushing, and sometimes still think about my lovely ex (the healthy one  come on!)

[BorderlineMagnet]

Iwalk,

It wasn't healthy, I agree. But after having been with 2 BPDgfs in a row, I wasn't, and am not healthy either. It did soothe me for awhile, and a lot of it felt like revenge on my last sex. I'm convinced that was the most real part of our r/s. That was the excuse for her cheating at the end- we hadn't had sex for a whole 12 days. As far as using these girls, I felt that way even though I did not promise the prospect of a r/s to a single one. Just a hook up. A way to get my exes out of my head, no matter how brief. As for the how? I'm a master of the online hook up unfortunately. All it takes is showing them a couple of my... .attributes... .and it generally seals the deal. My ex was obsessed with those parts of me too, almost to the point of me thinking that she loved "it" more than me.

[goldylamont]

Iwalk,

It wasn't healthy, I agree. But after having been with 2 BPDgfs in a row, I wasn't, and am not healthy either. It did soothe me for awhile, and a lot of it felt like revenge on my last sex. I'm convinced that was the most real part of our r/s. That was the excuse for her cheating at the end- we hadn't had sex for a whole 12 days. As far as using these girls, I felt that way even though I did not promise the prospect of a r/s to a single one. Just a hook up. A way to get my exes out of my head, no matter how brief. As for the how? I'm a master of the online hook up unfortunately. All it takes is showing them a couple of my... .attributes... .and it generally seals the deal. My ex was obsessed with those parts of me too, almost to the point of me thinking that she loved "it" more than me.

well you know what BorderlineMagnet, it sounds like you have awareness of your issues and also that you have some healthy guilt which means that you have a basis now for correcting whatever issues you feel you may have. and i applaud you for that. it doesn't sound like you lied to or were manipulative to these women, but you know for yourself if you do feel guilty in any way it may actually help you (and maybe make them smile?) if you reached out and maybe let them know the whole situation, let them know you appreciated the time you spent however brief. maybe not, but just a thought.

also, i couldn't help sending this link--it is so hilarious and relevant to this post! I hope it makes you laugh it was meant to hopefully brighten a few people's day with some dark humor. check it out:  

www.theonion.com/articles/im-a-f8ckedupchick-magnet,11153/

please note! the link above won't work unless you replace the "8" with a "u" -- the sensorship on the site won't let me paste in the real link b/c of the bad word in the url. if you replace the 8 with a u though believe me it's soo worth it.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Iwalk,

It wasn't healthy, I agree. But after having been with 2 BPDgfs in a row, I wasn't, and am not healthy either. It did soothe me for awhile, and a lot of it felt like revenge on my last sex. I'm convinced that was the most real part of our r/s. That was the excuse for her cheating at the end- we hadn't had sex for a whole 12 days. As far as using these girls, I felt that way even though I did not promise the prospect of a r/s to a single one. Just a hook up. A way to get my exes out of my head, no matter how brief. As for the how? I'm a master of the online hook up unfortunately. All it takes is showing them a couple of my... .attributes... .and it generally seals the deal. My ex was obsessed with those parts of me too, almost to the point of me thinking that she loved "it" more than me.

Borderline magnet,

I do appreciate your honesty.

I have to admit. I guess this subject is hard for me because (ok now don't laugh). I am 51 and I can count on one hand my sexual partners). You wouldn't look at me and think I'm a prude and I'm not ugly. I just have a different view on the specialness of sexual intimacy. Actually I would prefer it to only be for the person I am married to but that is even hard these days. Its impossible to find someone that is like minded and would be willing to wait. I believe sex is not a physical need it is an emotional one. I know I am in the minority. This not only comes from my religious beliefs but I think it is a bond between two people that is very special. If I am with someone who was with someone last month and will be as soon as we are over how special can I take that experience. That's not to say sex can't be "hot" too but for me it's with someone I love.

They say... Chemical bonds develop with a person we have sex with. If you are doing that with just anyone well... I think that messes things up for many reasons.

I also think that dating is the time to get to know that person and not muddy the waters before you know who they are before sex.

This is just me and I'm sure I am looked at as a dinosaur these days.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Iwalk,

It wasn't healthy, I agree. But after having been with 2 BPDgfs in a row, I wasn't, and am not healthy either. It did soothe me for awhile, and a lot of it felt like revenge on my last sex. I'm convinced that was the most real part of our r/s. That was the excuse for her cheating at the end- we hadn't had sex for a whole 12 days. As far as using these girls, I felt that way even though I did not promise the prospect of a r/s to a single one. Just a hook up. A way to get my exes out of my head, no matter how brief. As for the how? I'm a master of the online hook up unfortunately. All it takes is showing them a couple of my... .attributes... .and it generally seals the deal. My ex was obsessed with those parts of me too, almost to the point of me thinking that she loved "it" more than me.

Trust me most(not all of course some do just want sex) women think that there is a prospect of something more or they probably wouldn't be having sex with you. They think that's the way to get in a relationship with you. Even though it's not. If you are not telling them explicitly that they think there is a chance. Right or wrong. Even if you tell them they won't hear you and will think something might develop. Even though I'm a dinosaur I didn't just crawl out from under a rock! Ha ha.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

i started dating and had sex maybe a few weeks or so after my ex moved out (about 2 months after breaking up) -- personally i feel like my experiences were really healthy. the first person i was with though it was really weird... .i mean i did enjoy the sex but i wasn't really capable of being in a r/s and this person didn't give off this vibe any way. i think the main thing is honesty--so i tried to be honest to each woman about my intentions with each of them. all in all over the course of about 6 months i dated a few but slept with 4 women, which is kind of a lot but again i knew i was self medicating, i was honest with all of them and in general i really had fun and was appreciative of their company. well, what happened was, the 4th woman i was with, when we initially met, i thought "she's cool, but i don't think i'll be in a long term r/s with her"--boy was i wrong. i totally fell in love with her! and she was/is a beautiful person. we were together for a full year and i still care and have feelings for her (we've been apart about 6 months). she showed me what it was like to be with a woman who had character, integrity, true independence and completely loving, *without* sacrificing hot sex! !

oddly enough, after our r/s ended, it's been six months and i've dated here and there but nothing even close to sex happened yet in this time. i don't have anything to prove, just been focused on work/music. because my last ex was healthy and i was so sexually satisfied with her i feel like this gave me a buffer where i haven't been searching so hard to validate myself. but now, 6 months out i'm starting to get that itch again and looking at dating some women... .i'm excited, not rushing, and sometimes still think about my lovely ex (the healthy one  come on!)

Goldylamont,

Do you mind me asking?

So your last relationship was with the woman you fell in love with you were with her a year? So how long has it been since your BPD relationship and why did the relationship with the healthy person end?

The reason I ask is I am wondering about my next relationship and what issues I will come across with a healthy person after my BPD experience.

[Learning_curve74]

Sex can be a coping strategy. It generally feels good, you get into the moment and forget your troubles. It is probably an unhealthy coping strategy if the ways you are engaging in it are outside your values. Say that you believe it is wrong to have sex with somebody who is married and not in an open relationship, and then you do just that, then there is a further consequence for you to have made a choice that goes against what you believe in -- probably guilt and for many of us also shame. That can be an additional burden on us when we are already dealing with the fallout of a BPD relationship.

I fully believe that it is something you can work out and forgive yourself for though. Because really, what is the alternative? 

[Jbt857]

I'm a dinosaur too, I Walk!

I don't do casual sex. I don't have a problem with those that do, but when I was a teenager I had a few one night stands, and they left me feeling empty. My self esteem wasn't high, and I was trying to be all 'modern woman' about it, but they left me feeling cheap.

Since then, I've always taken breaks between my long term relationships. I see sex as something of value, I don't want to just share that with anyone, I want it to be with someone I trust and have got to know and feel safe with, rather than with someone I've just met and know nothing about. Hasn't stopped me getting into some dysfunctional relationships, mind.

I know there are plenty of people who can do hookups, male and female, but they aren't for me.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm a dinosaur too, I Walk!

I don't do casual sex. I don't have a problem with those that do, but when I was a teenager I had a few one night stands, and they left me feeling empty. My self esteem wasn't high, and I was trying to be all 'modern woman' about it, but they left me feeling cheap.

Since then, I've always taken breaks between my long term relationships. I see sex as something of value, I don't want to just share that with anyone, I want it to be with someone I trust and have got to know and feel safe with, rather than with someone I've just met and know nothing about. Hasn't stopped me getting into some dysfunctional relationships, mind.

I know there are plenty of people who can do hookups, male and female, but they aren't for me.

Thanks for sharing that JBT! I tend to feel like the odd man put these days so nice to hear I'm not alone! I agree to each their own it's just not for me. Also, ditto on it hasn't kept me from some dysfunctional relationships either!  Obviously! Lol!

[Jbt857]

And for others, they feel as if they’re “cheating”.  Really?  How so?  The only person I’d be cheating on is myself if I didn’t go out and try. 

Baby spook,

I have a thread on how dating would feel like I'm cheating right now, so I guess I should respond. 

I'd feel like I was cheating because I don't feel I'm fully disengaged from my BPDexh. I was married for almost a decade and I took my wedding vows very seriously. In my mind, I had closed the door to ever being intimate with another man when I took my vows. If you read my previous post to I Walk, you'll see I'm not a one night stand kind of person. If you read on the post on the staying board about sex, you'll see that my sex life with my ex was very devaluing and disordered.

I'm trying to work through why I feel guilt, and it's probably not just tied up in my marriage. But undoing all of those things takes time, and for me, when my head is where it's at, morally, it wouldn't feel good or healthy to involve someone else romantically in my life. If I can't give them my undivided attention (as in not with a mind taken up by my ex still, far too much), then it wouldn't be fair to them. If my motivations weren't to give myself fully to a new relationship, because I'm not a person for one night stands, then it wouldn't be good for me. I know myself well enough to know that.

I'd feel like I was cheating, because ultimately, a big part of myself is still caught up with my ex. I still love him, despite not liking him or wanting to go back.

I am not you, and you are not me. If it works for you, and it's not hurting anyone else, or a way to self soothe and mask other issues, then good luck to you. But I don't feel cheated out of anything by not dating right now. 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

And for others, they feel as if they’re “cheating”.  Really?  How so?  The only person I’d be cheating on is myself if I didn’t go out and try. 

Baby spook,

I have a thread on how dating would feel like I'm cheating right now, so I guess I should respond. 

I'd feel like I was cheating because I don't feel I'm fully disengaged from my BPDexh. I was married for almost a decade and I took my wedding vows very seriously. In my mind, I had closed the door to ever being intimate with another man when I took my vows. If you read my previous post to I Walk, you'll see I'm not a one night stand kind of person. If you read on the post on the staying board about sex, you'll see that my sex life with my ex was very devaluing and disordered.

I'm trying to work through why I feel guilt, and it's probably not just tied up in my marriage. But undoing all of those things takes time, and for me, when my head is where it's at, morally, it wouldn't feel good or healthy to involve someone else romantically in my life. If I can't give them my undivided attention (as in not with a mind taken up by my ex still, far too much), then it wouldn't be fair to them. If my motivations weren't to give myself fully to a new relationship, because I'm not a person for one night stands, then it wouldn't be good for me. I know myself well enough to know that.

I'd feel like I was cheating, because ultimately, a big part of myself is still caught up with my ex. I still love him, despite not liking him or wanting to go back.

I am not you, and you are not me. If it works for you, and it's not hurting anyone else, or a way to self soothe and mask other issues, then good luck to you. But I don't feel cheated out of anything by not dating right now. 

Jbt,

I think you have a healthy approach. You were married!  You took that commitment seriously. He did not or at least maybe could not. Others behaviors should not change our values. You will be ready when you are ready.

I also agree with it not being fair to use others to go out and date just to get ourselves feeling better. I'm not saying one can't go out if their honest to the person that their just looking for a night out and some companionship. I'm talking about those who go out and start dating as part of their healing process. I think that is extremely unfair to people. When I finally do my healing work alone and put in the time and feel healthy enough to start to date and offer someone a healthy person not attached emotionally to someone else I will put the time into finding someone. I would be furious if I found out someone was wasting my time and emotions using me to get over someone else. That's how I probably got here in the first place.

We have an obligation to people out there we date to be fully available. Otherwise it is really considered using them.

[RecycledNoMore]

I think it's a double-edged sword. I've slept with probably 15 women since my ex and I broke up in March. While it does help the ego, and takes the pain away for a little while, ultimately I still end up empty and longing. I still can't find someone who compares to her, and at this point I feel like I'm just using these girls like she used me.

jeeeeesus! I've been single since march, managed 2 - and it was rubbish with both! PLAYER!

You took the words right outta my open mouth, ive been broken up with x, 5 mnths, I feel sick even contemplating sex with 1!, different strokes n all that I suppose... .

[babyspook]

In most of these posts it seems that some of you tend to associate the word sex with dating... .as if the two are interchangeable.  They are not.  Sadly, our adult brains have been wired to automatically think that way because sex is usually the result of a really good date or series of dates.  However, I'm not advocating sex... .I'm advertising the concept of getting yourself out there in the world and meeting new and interesting people.  I do it quite often and I love it!   

I live in my ex's stomping grounds.  I have no friends or family here... .only hers and since I've been painted black, hanging out with any of them is obviously not gonna happen.  Going out to clubs and bars was pointless considering the state of mind I was in.  The first 4 breakups were extremely painful doing it all by myself with nowhere to go and no one to socialize with.  After the 5th breakup, I finally decided, "H*ll no!  I'm not going through this again!"  Thank God for online dating.  It's a refreshing change of pace and beats the crap out of staying at home in doom and gloom and since I call the shots in my life, I get to decide who I want to meet.  The first couple of dates were a disaster in my opinion because I was a little out of practice.  But later on, I get better and better at it.  I still chat/text with many of these individuals often.  Call it validation if you want, but I think you are only prolonging your recovery if you don't get out there and meet people.   

One more thing – if you think you’re not being fair or honest to the other person by agreeing to meet them on a date although you’re still recovering from your ex, you’re only fooling yourself.  Every single woman I’ve met recently went through a breakup (6mths or less) and is still carrying their past around with them to some degree.  But at least they’re out there something about it. 

[Jbt857]

In most of these posts it seems that some of you tend to associate the word sex with dating... .as if the two are interchangeable.  They are not.  Sadly, our adult brains have been wired to automatically think that way because sex is usually the result of a really good date or series of dates.  However, I'm not advocating sex... .I'm advertising the concept of getting yourself out there in the world and meeting new and interesting people.  I do it quite often and I love it!  

I live in my ex's stomping grounds.  I have no friends or family here... .only hers and since I've been painted black, hanging out with any of them is obviously not gonna happen.  Going out to clubs and bars was pointless considering the state of mind I was in.  The first 4 breakups were extremely painful doing it all by myself with nowhere to go and no one to socialize with.  After the 5th breakup, I finally decided, "H*ll no!  I'm not going through this again!"  Thank God for online dating.  It's a refreshing change of pace and beats the crap out of staying at home in doom and gloom and since I call the shots in my life, I get to decide who I want to meet.  The first couple of dates were a disaster in my opinion because I was a little out of practice.  But later on, I get better and better at it.  I still chat/text with many of these individuals often.  Call it validation if you want, but I think you are only prolonging your recovery if you don't get out there and meet people.  

One more thing – if you think you’re not being fair or honest to the other person by agreeing to meet them on a date although you’re still recovering from your ex, you’re only fooling yourself.  Every single woman I’ve met recently went through a breakup (6mths or less) and is still carrying their past around with them to some degree.  But at least they’re out there something about it.  

Spook,

Dating usually leads to sex, and involves flirting and behaving in a way maybe some of us aren't ready for.

Just because i don't date, doesn't mean I'm not meeting new people and doing new things. I moved here with my husband and have had to go out and make new friends (thank god for meetup). I run, do crossfit, I'm pretty active without needing to complicate things with someone else Also, in my country, dating as it happens in America, isn't the norm. It's becoming more so, but it's still not as widespread as it is in the USA. I have male friends who are like brothers to me, and that's fine, I'm comfortable with their company.

You seem really dismissive of other opinions and your post come across as pretty arrogant towards people who don't feel the same need as you to get out there and screw around. I'm no 'fool' - to myself or anyone else. I just don't feel the need or the desire to flirt or get intimate with anyone else right now.

[Nicco]

Still got no chance since she left... .i'm not dating or looking for dates anyway.

I don't know how i could react if i would have the occasion to,i really don't know... .indeed i'm curious... .but i feel i would give way more than would be "normal" for an "occasional sexual encounter"... .i would share feelings targeted to her probably... .and looking unconsciously for something more than sex maybe... .i repeat,i really don't know... .i should try :D   anyway for now i'm not thinking at women under that light... .i would just make love with her.yep.i think it's pretty normal.

On my own i can say that during the last part of our relationship,our sexual life it's been a big problem too... .for a very "simple" reason... .after she prostituted herself for a while last summer,she told me she got a kind of "repulsion" for men and guilt felings for what she done (she told me that i was the only one making her feel guilty an uncomfortable with what she done)... .seems that just thinking at sex she was feeling sick... .we tried a couple of times... .always ended with her criyng.then she left.so i had (i have) to keep my even stronger sexual desire about her for me.after what i discovered about her second "job" ("traumatized" is an euphemism) me i was just in need to make love with her again like we used to do (wonderful sex,i guess the "possession" matter had a big part in this,something archaic,whatever... .) and i got nothing under that point of view too.she's gone,my desire's still here.perfect.

So no,i'm not looking for dates,too early... .i didn't lost interest for women of course but i'm really not in the mood... .if it would happen i will see what happen.

[goldylamont]

i started dating and had sex maybe a few weeks or so after my ex moved out (about 2 months after breaking up) -- personally i feel like my experiences were really healthy. the first person i was with though it was really weird... .i mean i did enjoy the sex but i wasn't really capable of being in a r/s and this person didn't give off this vibe any way. i think the main thing is honesty--so i tried to be honest to each woman about my intentions with each of them. all in all over the course of about 6 months i dated a few but slept with 4 women, which is kind of a lot but again i knew i was self medicating, i was honest with all of them and in general i really had fun and was appreciative of their company. well, what happened was, the 4th woman i was with, when we initially met, i thought "she's cool, but i don't think i'll be in a long term r/s with her"--boy was i wrong. i totally fell in love with her! and she was/is a beautiful person. we were together for a full year and i still care and have feelings for her (we've been apart about 6 months). she showed me what it was like to be with a woman who had character, integrity, true independence and completely loving, *without* sacrificing hot sex! !

oddly enough, after our r/s ended, it's been six months and i've dated here and there but nothing even close to sex happened yet in this time. i don't have anything to prove, just been focused on work/music. because my last ex was healthy and i was so sexually satisfied with her i feel like this gave me a buffer where i haven't been searching so hard to validate myself. but now, 6 months out i'm starting to get that itch again and looking at dating some women... .i'm excited, not rushing, and sometimes still think about my lovely ex (the healthy one  come on!)

Goldylamont,

Do you mind me asking?

So your last relationship was with the woman you fell in love with you were with her a year? So how long has it been since your BPD relationship and why did the relationship with the healthy person end?

The reason I ask is I am wondering about my next relationship and what issues I will come across with a healthy person after my BPD experience.

Don't mind you asking at all. My xBPD r/s ended almost 2 years ago on the dot. I met my next real gf (healthy) around 6-7 months later. She was the 4th woman I dated. Interestingly enough, she also had ended a 7 year r/s with her exbf around the same time I had. So we had both been single for around 6-7 months when we met.

So, we were both still dealing with ex-issues but at the same time both enjoying each others company a lot. I always tried to stay honest with her and likewise her with me. I didn't find out about BPD until way after my breakup with xBPD so I was already fully in the r/s with hgf (healthy gf for about 8 months when i found out about BPD and started using these boards.

Full disclosure--I was far from perfect so I'll tell the whole story so you can understand. Initially when I met my hgf I thought to myself "oh, i won't fall in love, but she's really cool, i love being around her... .". well, around 6 weeks or so into us dating, i had a "fake recycle" with my ex--and i broke up with the hgf (we weren't officially bf and gf at this point, still 'dating'. Now, I broke up with her b/c I realized that I still had some things to get over and work through with my ex. Messy, I know--however, I was fully honest with her and upfront. Also, I *never* slept with or did *anything* with my ex other than talk while I was dating this other woman. So when I broke it off (lasted about a month) for the fake recycle I fully realized that if things didn't work out I would be left with nobody, and I was ok with that. I knew this was something I needed to figure out for me. Well, the fake-recycle luckily was sex-less, and fruitless. And, near the end I wrote my soon to be hgf back and told her how much I appreciated her, how sorry I was and what not. I did *not* expect her to take me back and assumed she was with someone else which she deserved to be. Well, we met again and ended up back together. It was maybe 2 weeks or so after this that I gladly asked her to be my gf, told her I loved her, which I did, and I feel like we had a great r/s with lasted about 8 more months. Also, restarting this r/s with her--just my own personal boundary, was that I was strict NC with xBPD. There was no way I was going to be in a committed r/s with hgf to try and be in some BS 'friendship' with xBPD. No way I would disrespect my hgf (or myself) with this charade. So, yes, the healthy r/s got rocky a few weeks in but ultimately I was able to salvage it b/c I was honest, respectful, and b/c my hgf was amazing (not a doormat, she was just understanding).

Whew, ok, so why'd we break up? Well, after a year we really had to ask the question how far our r/s would go--and we are both in our 30's and I knew she would want to start thinking about kids soon. And, i just wasn't ready yet for this level of commitment with her. I still think of it to this day, but it wasn't fair to continue at this point unless I had long term plans. So, I'm still figuring things out for myself and remain true friends with hgf while trying to give her space. It's been about 5 months since breaking up with her and I haven't felt the need really to date much since then--only recently am i getting out there again and this time with much more caution. I hope this helps explain my situation.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

i started dating and had sex maybe a few weeks or so after my ex moved out (about 2 months after breaking up) -- personally i feel like my experiences were really healthy. the first person i was with though it was really weird... .i mean i did enjoy the sex but i wasn't really capable of being in a r/s and this person didn't give off this vibe any way. i think the main thing is honesty--so i tried to be honest to each woman about my intentions with each of them. all in all over the course of about 6 months i dated a few but slept with 4 women, which is kind of a lot but again i knew i was self medicating, i was honest with all of them and in general i really had fun and was appreciative of their company. well, what happened was, the 4th woman i was with, when we initially met, i thought "she's cool, but i don't think i'll be in a long term r/s with her"--boy was i wrong. i totally fell in love with her! and she was/is a beautiful person. we were together for a full year and i still care and have feelings for her (we've been apart about 6 months). she showed me what it was like to be with a woman who had character, integrity, true independence and completely loving, *without* sacrificing hot sex! !

oddly enough, after our r/s ended, it's been six months and i've dated here and there but nothing even close to sex happened yet in this time. i don't have anything to prove, just been focused on work/music. because my last ex was healthy and i was so sexually satisfied with her i feel like this gave me a buffer where i haven't been searching so hard to validate myself. but now, 6 months out i'm starting to get that itch again and looking at dating some women... .i'm excited, not rushing, and sometimes still think about my lovely ex (the healthy one   come on!)

Goldylamont,

Do you mind me asking?

So your last relationship was with the woman you fell in love with you were with her a year? So how long has it been since your BPD relationship and why did the relationship with the healthy person end?

The reason I ask is I am wondering about my next relationship and what issues I will come across with a healthy person after my BPD experience.

Don't mind you asking at all. My xBPD r/s ended almost 2 years ago on the dot. I met my next real gf (healthy) around 6-7 months later. She was the 4th woman I dated. Interestingly enough, she also had ended a 7 year r/s with her exbf around the same time I had. So we had both been single for around 6-7 months when we met.

So, we were both still dealing with ex-issues but at the same time both enjoying each others company a lot. I always tried to stay honest with her and likewise her with me. I didn't find out about BPD until way after my breakup with xBPD so I was already fully in the r/s with hgf (healthy gf for about 8 months when i found out about BPD and started using these boards.

Full disclosure--I was far from perfect so I'll tell the whole story so you can understand. Initially when I met my hgf I thought to myself "oh, i won't fall in love, but she's really cool, i love being around her... .". well, around 6 weeks or so into us dating, i had a "fake recycle" with my ex--and i broke up with the hgf (we weren't officially bf and gf at this point, still 'dating'. Now, I broke up with her b/c I realized that I still had some things to get over and work through with my ex. Messy, I know--however, I was fully honest with her and upfront. Also, I *never* slept with or did *anything* with my ex other than talk while I was dating this other woman. So when I broke it off (lasted about a month) for the fake recycle I fully realized that if things didn't work out I would be left with nobody, and I was ok with that. I knew this was something I needed to figure out for me. Well, the fake-recycle luckily was sex-less, and fruitless. And, near the end I wrote my soon to be hgf back and told her how much I appreciated her, how sorry I was and what not. I did *not* expect her to take me back and assumed she was with someone else which she deserved to be. Well, we met again and ended up back together. It was maybe 2 weeks or so after this that I gladly asked her to be my gf, told her I loved her, which I did, and I feel like we had a great r/s with lasted about 8 more months. Also, restarting this r/s with her--just my own personal boundary, was that I was strict NC with xBPD. There was no way I was going to be in a committed r/s with hgf to try and be in some BS 'friendship' with xBPD. No way I would disrespect my hgf (or myself) with this charade. So, yes, the healthy r/s got rocky a few weeks in but ultimately I was able to salvage it b/c I was honest, respectful, and b/c my hgf was amazing (not a doormat, she was just understanding).

Whew, ok, so why'd we break up? Well, after a year we really had to ask the question how far our r/s would go--and we are both in our 30's and I knew she would want to start thinking about kids soon. And, i just wasn't ready yet for this level of commitment with her. I still think of it to this day, but it wasn't fair to continue at this point unless I had long term plans. So, I'm still figuring things out for myself and remain true friends with hgf while trying to give her space. It's been about 5 months since breaking up with her and I haven't felt the need really to date much since then--only recently am i getting out there again and this time with much more caution. I hope this helps explain my situation.

Thanks goldylamont for taking the time to share this. It helps to hear this side of the story. And about a healthy relationship here on the boards. Gives hope to us all.

I like how you respected her in not engaging your ex while you were with her even though you slipped once but were honest.

Ok soo... She was cool, you loved being around her, she was amazing, you loved her, she was understanding, sexually compatible you said, she obviously loved you or she wouldn't have taken you back. SHES HEALTHY! Good GOD man what exactly are you waiting for. The commitment fairy to come down and brush you with fairy dust?

And now you are going out there again? Ok. To look for what exactly? What are you hoping to find? What is missing in this last girl except the fact that you would have to commit? Is she cool but just not the one? Or what?

Do you think it has so something to do with still being attached to ex BPD still?

BTW, I think you coined a new acronym that I like. HGF/BF. We are so used to seeing BPD it's nice to think in healthy terms.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

In most of these posts it seems that some of you tend to associate the word sex with dating... .as if the two are interchangeable.  They are not.  Sadly, our adult brains have been wired to automatically think that way because sex is usually the result of a really good date or series of dates.  However, I'm not advocating sex... .I'm advertising the concept of getting yourself out there in the world and meeting new and interesting people.  I do it quite often and I love it!   

I live in my ex's stomping grounds.  I have no friends or family here... .only hers and since I've been painted black, hanging out with any of them is obviously not gonna happen.  Going out to clubs and bars was pointless considering the state of mind I was in.  The first 4 breakups were extremely painful doing it all by myself with nowhere to go and no one to socialize with.  After the 5th breakup, I finally decided, "H*ll no!  I'm not going through this again!"  Thank God for online dating.  It's a refreshing change of pace and beats the crap out of staying at home in doom and gloom and since I call the shots in my life, I get to decide who I want to meet.  The first couple of dates were a disaster in my opinion because I was a little out of practice.  But later on, I get better and better at it.  I still chat/text with many of these individuals often.  Call it validation if you want, but I think you are only prolonging your recovery if you don't get out there and meet people.   

One more thing – if you think you’re not being fair or honest to the other person by agreeing to meet them on a date although you’re still recovering from your ex, you’re only fooling yourself.  Every single woman I’ve met recently went through a breakup (6mths or less) and is still carrying their past around with them to some degree.  But at least they’re out there something about it. 

I do not associate dating with sex. I associate dating with putting in the time and the energy to going out and meeting people who are available emotionally for a relationship. No it may not work out but at least there was good faith that it was a possibility. Not just looking for someone to pass time with. I can do that with my friends. I don't want someone wasting my time when I'm looking for a relationship and they are secretly not even open to one because they are just getting out there to get out and possibly still attached emotionally to someone else. I just don't think it's fair to use strangers who have other important goals for themselves like finding a life partner to help us with our healing work. That ain't my job and it ain't theirs to do for me either. Just my opinion. I wouldn't feel right doing that to people. Dating and making friends are two completely different goals. If your honest to them that's one thing but if your going out on dates with the false pretense that your looking for a partner but not. That's using.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

In most of these posts it seems that some of you tend to associate the word sex with dating... .as if the two are interchangeable.  They are not.  Sadly, our adult brains have been wired to automatically think that way because sex is usually the result of a really good date or series of dates.  However, I'm not advocating sex... .I'm advertising the concept of getting yourself out there in the world and meeting new and interesting people.  I do it quite often and I love it!  

I live in my ex's stomping grounds.  I have no friends or family here... .only hers and since I've been painted black, hanging out with any of them is obviously not gonna happen.  Going out to clubs and bars was pointless considering the state of mind I was in.  The first 4 breakups were extremely painful doing it all by myself with nowhere to go and no one to socialize with.  After the 5th breakup, I finally decided, "H*ll no!  I'm not going through this again!"  Thank God for online dating.  It's a refreshing change of pace and beats the crap out of staying at home in doom and gloom and since I call the shots in my life, I get to decide who I want to meet.  The first couple of dates were a disaster in my opinion because I was a little out of practice.  But later on, I get better and better at it.  I still chat/text with many of these individuals often.  Call it validation if you want, but I think you are only prolonging your recovery if you don't get out there and meet people.  

One more thing – if you think you’re not being fair or honest to the other person by agreeing to meet them on a date although you’re still recovering from your ex, you’re only fooling yourself.  Every single woman I’ve met recently went through a breakup (6mths or less) and is still carrying their past around with them to some degree.  But at least they’re out there something about it.  

To me this is exactly why a lot of relationships don't work out! That's why they call them rebound relationships. Everyone is entitled to their own way of living but IMHO this actually prolongs things because you jump from one bad relationship to the next just to not be alone. And where do you find yourself another year or 2 down the pike in another break up because you weren't ready.  I loved being with my ex when times were good and of course I get lonely at times but you know what I like being with myself too and my friends and family. I think it's wrong thinking to think that if your not dating your not being honest or true to yourself or whatever. I want to find mr right not mr right now!

I also think if you had to come to this board the circumstances of your break up was not normal. And if you are still posting there is obviously still work to be done. Unless of course you are just coming back to offer support to the people still healing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of taking care of ourselves is a healthy sex life.  My borderline ex was all about her, and although the sex was 'rambunctious', it was not making love, which is what I wanted, so that was as empty as it gets.  Two consenting adults who are open and honest with each other, let's have sex just to have sex, this isn't dating and it doesn't mean more than the physical act, does not feel empty at all because it was open and honest and there were no agendas.  And yes, it definitely helps us take care of ourselves.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Part of taking care of ourselves is a healthy sex life.  My borderline ex was all about her, and although the sex was 'rambunctious', it was not making love, which is what I wanted, so that was as empty as it gets.  Two consenting adults who are open and honest with each other, let's have sex just to have sex, this isn't dating and it doesn't mean more than the physical act, does not feel empty at all because it was open and honest and there were no agendas.  And yes, it definitely helps us take care of ourselves.

It's already been established that I am in the minority on this but I do not think a person has to have sex in order to be healthy or take care of ourselves. Sex is not a life or death need it is what deepens a relationship with a man and a woman and differentiates it from all our other relationships in life. It is not the same as food or water or air. we can agree to disagree.

Ok so let me ask you this. If as you said you wanted to make love and she just wanted rambunctious sex do you think there is any correlation in the fact that you are meeting women and right away engaging in an intimate act therefore becoming involved with women who may only be capable of that and not getting to know the real them first before a sexual bond occurs which tends to make us overlook the failings in them as compatable partners until we are knee deep in it? I mean to actually make love you have to be in love otherwise it is just sex and that just can't happen with casual partners.

[Ironmanrises]

Call it validation if you want, but I think you are only prolonging your recovery if you don't get out there and meet people.   

One more thing – if you think you’re not being fair or honest to the other person by agreeing to meet them on a date although you’re still recovering from your ex, you’re only fooling yourself.  Every single woman I’ve met recently went through a breakup (6mths or less) and is still carrying their past around with them to some degree.  But at least they’re out there something about it. 

I get what you are trying to say and maybe this would make sense in the aftermath of having been in a relationship with a non disordered person. In my case, with my Major Depression and BPD aftermath, what you are saying sounds like "move on", in the guise of meet, greet, possibly have sex when there are loads of issues I must sort through before I can even allow anyone else close to me again. Otherwise, I will only prolong my end goal of happiness by not learning from this god awful disaster and falling back down into the hell in earth I currently inhabit. I get what you are saying, just that it really is inapplicable for me.