Break up, Make up Patterns

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When you and your ex would break up/make up did you notice distinct patterns?

This may be very coincidental... .I noticed on the "big breaks" she would be gone for 39 days exactly and her last contact to me was on the 13th day of the break up.

This time was different because I reached out to her but I found that interesting.

I also noticed she would dump me pretty much every 3-4 months like clockwork. It was usually after I was having a bad day (where she perceived rejection).

This last time she has been the cruelest so I am not seeing the same pattern. I think she has my replacement. That I did notice... .last time she had my replacement and she went from wanting to stay friends to hating me and threatening a restraining order. That lasted a month and she came back.

I truly have no idea what to expect.

[Pretty Woman]

When you and your ex would break up/make up did you notice distinct patterns?

This may be very coincidental... .I noticed on the "big breaks" she would be gone for 39 days exactly and her last contact to me was on the 13th day of the break up.

This time was different because I reached out to her but I found that interesting.

I also noticed she would dump me pretty much every 3-4 months like clockwork. It was usually after I was having a bad day (where she perceived rejection).

This last time she has been the cruelest so I am not seeing the same pattern. I think she has my replacement. That I did notice... .last time she had my replacement and she went from wanting to stay friends to hating me and threatening a restraining order. That lasted a month and she came back.

I truly have no idea what to expect.

[emotionaholic]

I did notice patterns.  One I noticed was that the longer we were broken up the longer we stayed together after make up.  This went on for three years.  I also noticed that once I started to be comfortable that things seemed to actually be working the bomb would drop out of nowhere.

Now after 5 months NC I see a different pattern.  I am noticing the longer we are apart the less I think of her and the more I am aware of how destructive this relationship was for me.  I also notice how my anxiety levels have lessened, how I get to talk to others without fear of backlash, and how much stronger and better I feel every day.  I like this new pattern better.  I feel alive again.

[Pretty Woman]

Emotionaholic,

    Thanks for sharing your story . How many times did you break up over three years?

I love how my ex would tell me our relationship was toxic and ugly with no good memories but want to be my friend... .and then the next moment I am the devil and she wants nothing to do with me ever again.

It is so hard to rationalize with the irrational.

Now she has blocked all forms of communication with me. Something she has never done before. It really shocks me because even when she left me for someone last time she admitted she facebook stalked me... .but I admitted that too. She knows a former friend of mine blocked me and it killed me. I feel like I am being punished for something way beyond my control.

[GreenMango]

Relationship recycling can be unhealthy when it hits a point of repeating the old patterns of dysfunction, relationships conflicts don't get resolved, and then breaking up only to reunite to repeat the pattern again. 

Here's a little bit from the Relationship Recycling workshop - click on the teal text below to see the full workshop

Relationship Recycling

What is it?

This workshop is about "break-up/make-up" cycles and when and how it can become toxic and what we should do.  

When is this unhealthy?  

Let's break this down.  Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up.  For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time.  Sometimes one partner promises to change something.   To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.  

When there are more than 4, 5, 6 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. And when this happens, the conventional relationship expectations are pretty much out the window.

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have our own abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?

[/list]

It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

[emotionaholic]

Earth Angel

I hope my story can inspire you to move past the toxicity that a BPD relationship offers.  Like others here I have numerous stories of breaking up.  I actually lost count but it was over a dozen times in 3 years.  In reality we were only together half of the three years.  My friends and family were so sick of watching me go through all the hurt and I know it was written all over my face.  I do still miss her but will never go back.  I know if I did I would die at a young age due to the depression and anxiety.  My ex, at this last break up also deleted me for the first time.  It was really hard to deal with, and I know it was meant to be punishment for me.  The reality though is that it turned out to be a reward for me and punishment for her.  After months of some serious pain I managed to regain my life.  The poor woman that left me most likely will never have that ability.  Don't get me wrong I do miss her and wish her the best, but the best thing she ever did for me was to let me go so that I could be happy again.  It takes time and effort and even her T told me get out of this mess it is going to kill you. 

[Ironmanrises]

After mine left me the first time, there was 3 months of NC before she returned. After round 2, I am at 4+ months NC. The main difference is I did not spend as much time with her in round 1(and did not meet her 2 sons) as opposed to round 2 where I spent a lot of time with her and met her 2 sons whom started to really bond with me. Probably explains why I have been pushed further away then first time.

[Pretty Woman]

Yeah I guess the whole cutting off communication thing is new to me. She's blocked my number before but currently she is on strong lock down, all forms of communication which is good and maybe I can finally heal.