Wish my Former Friends Hadn't Sided With Her. Depressed.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex took most of my friends away after we split up. Some friends tried to come back but everything was irreparably broken. She even slept around with a lot of my former friends. It was so icky, like gross crappy some soap opera. She destroyed a whole friends group. Some former "friends" came back and said they were sorry for the things they did when they all left me and spent all their time with her. Most didn't.  I've done everything by the book, I have maintained distance and NC, but am realizing that she will never go away. She inserted herself so deeply into my friend circles that she's everywhere I go, even online. Today I saw a former best friend respond to a comment online that I couldn't see, which means it was a blocked person, so I know it was her. The conversational tone he had was so familial. I guess they are still close - in his case, when she was with me he told me I was in an abusive situation and he listened me a lot and was there when I would break down after she would attack me, then when she and I split up, they got really close. Possibly closer than I want to know.

I'm so sick of this. It's been a year and a half and I'm still getting hurt. I dunno how to quit feeling so horribly betrayed by the people who I thought were my chosen family. Part of me wants to move to another state, remove all my so called former "friends" from my Internet accounts, and start my  life over again. I'm really badly depressed about this today.

[FindPeace]

My ex took most of my friends away after we split up. Some friends tried to come back but everything was irreparably broken. She even slept around with a lot of my former friends. It was so icky, like gross crappy some soap opera. She destroyed a whole friends group. Some former "friends" came back and said they were sorry for the things they did when they all left me and spent all their time with her. Most didn't.  I've done everything by the book, I have maintained distance and NC, but am realizing that she will never go away. She inserted herself so deeply into my friend circles that she's everywhere I go, even online. Today I saw a former best friend respond to a comment online that I couldn't see, which means it was a blocked person, so I know it was her. The conversational tone he had was so familial. I guess they are still close - in his case, when she was with me he told me I was in an abusive situation and he listened me a lot and was there when I would break down after she would attack me, then when she and I split up, they got really close. Possibly closer than I want to know.

I'm so sick of this. It's been a year and a half and I'm still getting hurt. I dunno how to quit feeling so horribly betrayed by the people who I thought were my chosen family. Part of me wants to move to another state, remove all my so called former "friends" from my Internet accounts, and start my  life over again. I'm really badly depressed about this today.

[Nearlybroken]

I feel for you... .one of the hardest things I have gone through with my ex is having our mutual friends ( and even some of my friends) continue to interact with my ex as though he has done nothing wrong.One of MY friends in particular who knew lots of what was going on would listen to me cry and a mere few moments later would be joking with my ex on Facebook.I recently found out that two of my friends contacted my ex behind my back and they had conversations about me.They never told me this so I guess they swallowed his utterly false version of events.The whole experience has made me feel isolated... .very alone.And I feel as though either mutual friends do not believe me or in some twisted way they think his behaviour towards me to be acceptable.It's awful and I have lost trust in so many.Even those who I still speak to I speak to on a guarded and superficial level now.

Its strange but I feel it unfair that I carry this misery and pain around and everyone (including my ex) seems to be getting on as before with me simply removed from the equation.BPD is hard enough to expalin to people who have not been on the receiving end but the whole thing is made impossible when those whom you trust "disregard" what you are saying.I cannot give you any advice because everything is still so raw for me but I can send you a hug.NB.xx

[FindPeace]

I feel for you... .one of the hardest things I have gone through with my ex is having our mutual friends ( and even some of my friends) continue to interact with my ex as though he has done nothing wrong.One of MY friends in particular who knew lots of what was going on would listen to me cry and a mere few moments later would be joking with my ex on Facebook.I recently found out that two of my friends contacted my ex behind my back and they had conversations about me.They never told me this so I guess they swallowed his utterly false version of events.The whole experience has made me feel isolated... .very alone.And I feel as though either mutual friends do not believe me or in some twisted way they think his behaviour towards me to be acceptable.It's awful and I have lost trust in so many.Even those who I still speak to I speak to on a guarded and superficial level now.

Its strange but I feel it unfair that I carry this misery and pain around and everyone (including my ex) seems to be getting on as before with me simply removed from the equation.BPD is hard enough to expalin to people who have not been on the receiving end but the whole thing is made impossible when those whom you trust "disregard" what you are saying.I cannot give you any advice because everything is still so raw for me but I can send you a hug.NB.xx

Wow, it is so weird to hear the similarities. This is so similar to what I went through and have been going through. Yeah, it's like my former friends disregard what I went through or don't believe me. It's a very belittling feeling. Very much like the feeling she always gave me when she would belittle me for having feelings about traumatic events, such as a death in the family where she would scold me for being upset. I sort of feel like my friends are indirectly doing that now due to her manipulation.

Hugs to you too. This stuff really is awful to go through and I wish I knew how to put an end to it.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel betrayed by some of your friends, FindPeace. I know I would be saddened if my ex was sleeping around with a lot of my former friends. And I am sad that some chose her over me. It's a further hurt piled on the hurt we already have from the failed relationship and break up.

I was talking with one of me and my exBPDgf's mutual friends the other day, and while I am a little resentful that she still hangs out with my exgf after the things I told her, I also understand it. She was friends with both of us and didn't want to choose, and she is sympathetic to both of us. It is unfair of me to expect any different. On the other hand, she has been seeing evidence pile up that my exgf is not really a very dependable friend, and when she told me about the not so great things my exgf pulls, I had to hold my tongue from gaining the pleasure of a "I told you so!" I did tell her that people's actions show a lot about how far you can trust or depend on them, so the blessing is finding out who you can and can't depend on. Some people, like my exgf, are good for a shallow friendship where maybe the deepest it goes is somebody who can be fun to go out and have drinks with but no more. Anything that requires a level of trust and reciprocation is beyond their capabilities.

And maybe that is a lesson for you and me. That not every friend is dependable or reliable for any more than what they show us they are good for. Many friends I ignore now, others are held at an arm's length, and others I am closer to now than before. It was not simply a matter of who choose her and who choose me. It was a matter of who saw things clearly, didn't rush to judgement, and had respect for both of us as human beings.

FindPeace, do you still have friends that you can confide in and trust? Who you can turn to for support? Also, are you active socially where you can make new friends?

[seeking balance]

I touched on this in your other post FindPeace, so this response is to give you a bit of hope.

I, too, had the former friends "not take sides".  Now, my ex cheated, was in T, had a P, we were in MC and one of those so called friends became the new "one" while we were in a separation engineered with the MC.  Everyone knew and said it was wrong - but continued to invite us both places.  I didn't show and she did with the new girl - they were easy to be around, they heard her side about how "abusive" I was all the while, she wouldn't give me a divorce and we went through a year of hell where only the attorneys won.

I cut everyone out - I had to save myself... .it hurt.  I had spent all holidays with these people and watched their kids, yet they didn't have the character to look at the facts and make decisions accordingly.  So I had too - I was the one that backed away - and that act fed into the crap ex had said about me.

Fast forward 2 years - I have a new friend group.  Laborday weekend - super fun pool party, laughed, no drama, all respectful people.  That night I go home and log into FB... .an old friend I apparently didn't delete was back in town and posted a pic with my old friend group, also included was my ex, her new partner, and their new kid... .what I felt?  Gratitude - thank God I wasn't there.  I was kind of shocked to feel that way.  But when I looked around, everyone had slept with everyone and cheating was what they did in their 20's.  No wonder they didn't stand up on a moral high ground - they didn't have one... .their behavior was about their own guilt, not about me.  It really was powerful to "get" that.  I had just had a great day with people who for the most part were kind, drama-free.  NO past hookups, etc... .it was EASY.  I prefer EASY.

At times, like now -Thanksgiving's were always fun - I miss them and can get sad.  But for the most part, it is a sadness like any other close loss - this is life.  Life can be messy and painful.  But, pain and hurt means you are capable of loving.  Be grateful for that in yourself.

Keep moving forward in life -that is what I am doing.  It isn't always easy, but it will get better.  During the hard times, use the tools you learned, the healthy ones to cope.  Like you are doing now, posting.

Hang in there,

SB

[maxen]

Fast forward 2 years - I have a new friend group. 

i'm socially inept, so may i ask how you got this new group? i'm going to need one.

[seeking balance]

Fast forward 2 years - I have a new friend group. 

i'm socially inept, so may i ask how you got this new group? i'm going to need one.

I got out of my comfort zone... .it was hard at first, I joined groups, went to meetups and had to learn to trust people again.  This time I did it with eyes wide open... .I watch people's actions and words.

Think of it this way, we ask a 5 year old to go to school and meet friends... they are scared, but they do it.  We are scared, but we can do it.

Socially inept - what does that look like for you? 

[maxen]

hi SB, thanks for your post.

(apols to FindPeace, i really don't mean to hijack!)

Socially inept - what does that look like for you?

i'm good in small groups (up to about 5), but nervous in anything larger than that  . i've done two meetups, one was horrid, the second much better. none of those people would i expect to become a friend as i understand it. i'm hoping to meet friends of friends. for the moment i'm far too devastated by the end of my marriage to circulate. she took with her the friends i gained when i got married to her, and that's a terrible blow.

[FindPeace]

I touched on this in your other post FindPeace, so this response is to give you a bit of hope.

I, too, had the former friends "not take sides".  Now, my ex cheated, was in T, had a P, we were in MC and one of those so called friends became the new "one" while we were in a separation engineered with the MC.  Everyone knew and said it was wrong - but continued to invite us both places.  I didn't show and she did with the new girl - they were easy to be around, they heard her side about how "abusive" I was all the while, she wouldn't give me a divorce and we went through a year of hell where only the attorneys won.

I cut everyone out - I had to save myself... .it hurt.  I had spent all holidays with these people and watched their kids, yet they didn't have the character to look at the facts and make decisions accordingly.  So I had too - I was the one that backed away - and that act fed into the crap ex had said about me.

Fast forward 2 years - I have a new friend group.  Laborday weekend - super fun pool party, laughed, no drama, all respectful people.  That night I go home and log into FB... .an old friend I apparently didn't delete was back in town and posted a pic with my old friend group, also included was my ex, her new partner, and their new kid... .what I felt?  Gratitude - thank God I wasn't there.  I was kind of shocked to feel that way.  But when I looked around, everyone had slept with everyone and cheating was what they did in their 20's.  No wonder they didn't stand up on a moral high ground - they didn't have one... .their behavior was about their own guilt, not about me.  It really was powerful to "get" that.  I had just had a great day with people who for the most part were kind, drama-free.  NO past hookups, etc... .it was EASY.  I prefer EASY.

At times, like now -Thanksgiving's were always fun - I miss them and can get sad.  But for the most part, it is a sadness like any other close loss - this is life.  Life can be messy and painful.  But, pain and hurt means you are capable of loving.  Be grateful for that in yourself.

Keep moving forward in life -that is what I am doing.  It isn't always easy, but it will get better.  During the hard times, use the tools you learned, the healthy ones to cope.  Like you are doing now, posting.

Hang in there,

SB

This does give me hope, thank you so much. It's difficult to imagine things being easy, or to see pictures like that and feel gratitude, but I can see it, I've had glimpses of it, and I want to get to that place. Knowing that it's possible definitely gives me hope, which is what I need right now.

[FindPeace]

FindPeace, do you still have friends that you can confide in and trust? Who you can turn to for support? Also, are you active socially where you can make new friends?

I have two dear friends, and I'm grateful for them. Better to have two friends I can trust than a group of friends who I can't trust or confide in. I did learn a lot about friendship. I learned that those friends were people who I'd become friends with by chance. We worked together or drank together. If meaningful conversation happened, it usually happened drunkenly and rarely if ever happened sober. If I tried to open up in a non-bar environment, a lot of them tended to get uncomfortable, or at best just stay quiet.

[FindPeace]

One of the former friends was once approached by one of my two remaining real friends who asked why he was drawing closer to my ex and getting farther from me, inviting her out and not me, when he had never invited her out before. He told her that my ex isn't bad, she was just having a hard time, he wanted to help her, and he knew I was fine and could take care of myself. Meanwhile I was falling apart. When my real friend told him that, he just shrugged. the ex was playing a game really well.  But yeah,  I definitely learned who my real friends are. It still hurts horribly a year and a half later but it's very valuable.

[seeking balance]

hi SB, thanks for your post.

(apols to FindPeace, i really don't mean to hijack!)

Socially inept - what does that look like for you?

i'm good in small groups (up to about 5), but nervous in anything larger than that  . i've done two meetups, one was horrid, the second much better. none of those people would i expect to become a friend as i understand it. i'm hoping to meet friends of friends. for the moment i'm far too devastated by the end of my marriage to circulate. she took with her the friends i gained when i got married to her, and that's a terrible blow.

how about starting a new thread and pm me the link and we can go from here so FindPeace can keep her thread 

[seeking balance]

One of the former friends was once approached by one of my two remaining real friends who asked why he was drawing closer to my ex and getting farther from me, inviting her out and not me, when he had never invited her out before. He told her that my ex isn't bad, she was just having a hard time, he wanted to help her, and he knew I was fine and could take care of myself. Meanwhile I was falling apart. When my real friend told him that, he just shrugged. the ex was playing a game really well.  But yeah,  I definitely learned who my real friends are. It still hurts horribly a year and a half later but it's very valuable.

pwBPD are much better at being a victim than we are - as such, folks who have a savior complex do tend to be drawn to them.  Heck, look in the mirror, we all got hooked by that if we are honest.

2 questions:

1.  have YOU been in therapy this past 1 1/2 years?

2.  Have YOU changed your playground, playmates - done something new?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi FindPeace, The same thing happened to me, too, when I separated from my BPDxW.  There's not much you can do about it.  Those w/BPD can be extremely convincing, in my experience, and she hoodwinked a lot of former friends by her disparaging comments about me.  I'd say that about 90% of our mutual friends immediately dropped me, and the remaining 10% are neutral but keep their distance.  I accept this situation as all part of the swath of destruction left in the wake of a pwBPD and don't lose sleep over it.  My real friends are still close and know the real me, and my former "mutual" friends don't matter much to me now.  Lucky Jim

[TwoCents]

Experienced this in more than one ended relationship.  I didn't go to anyone to ask how they felt or cajole anyone into remaining friends.  Anyone who didn't spontaneously make it clear where their loyalty lied in fairly short order was excommunicated, unfriended, and deleted.  I've even experienced my family taking sides against me and had to distance myself from them before.  If someone lacks integrity and loyalty, you're better off without them no matter how or how long you've know them.  It's either that or lay down in the bed of thorns left for you.

[Octoberfest]

I touched on this in your other post FindPeace, so this response is to give you a bit of hope.




Fast forward 2 years - I have a new friend group.  Laborday weekend - super fun pool party, laughed, no drama, all respectful people.  That night I go home and log into FB... .an old friend I apparently didn't delete was back in town and posted a pic with my old friend group, also included was my ex, her new partner, and their new kid... .what I felt?  Gratitude - thank God I wasn't there.  I was kind of shocked to feel that way.  But when I looked around, everyone had slept with everyone and cheating was what they did in their 20's.  No wonder they didn't stand up on a moral high ground - they didn't have one... .their behavior was about their own guilt, not about me.  It really was powerful to "get" that.  I had just had a great day with people who for the most part were kind, drama-free.  NO past hookups, etc... .it was EASY.  I prefer EASY.




Hang in there,

SB

I really identify with this.

My BPDex treated sex so casually... .she had a friend she skyped with often from High School.  He was an aspiring politician and they had speech and debate together in HS.  I asked if there was anything between them and she said, "oh no, we just had sex once on the floor of my speech and debate teachers office."  She also told me of a time in HS when her and a friend went and had sex with two guys (separate, I just mean that there happened to be two of them each".  After they both got done they asked each other "how was it for you?" then shrugged and went and switched and had sex with the opposite guy. 

I am in a Fraternity at college and last year, while I was with my BPDex I lived in the Fraternity house.  During a weekend we were fighting my BPDex went and slept with one of the brothers, a guy I had just met recently but I really liked.  She also made out with my best friend, another one of the brothers.  Both of these guys were ones that hung around my BPDex all the time (to clarify, I was the first to meet my BPDex as she was new to town, all of the guys in the fraternity met her via me).  She made out with a few of the other brothers throughout our relationship during "fights" or short (a few days) breakups... .It was shameful having her over at my room in the Fraternity knowing how many other guys there had done something with her.  Anytime she and I were there and one of them was around, which was all the time considering we all lived there, the memories and the hurt would be brought right back up.  It isn't normal to sleep with that many people and in those circumstances.

I am fortunate in that my BPDex moved back to her hometown, away from my college.  The best friend transferred schools to the university in her home town (for reasons completely unrelated to her).  I don't live in the fraternity house anymore, so I am not forced to see the guy who she slept with all the time.  It is helping for sure... .

[starshine]

Experienced this in more than one ended relationship.  I didn't go to anyone to ask how they felt or cajole anyone into remaining friends.  Anyone who didn't spontaneously make it clear where their loyalty lied in fairly short order was excommunicated, unfriended, and deleted.  I've even experienced my family taking sides against me and had to distance myself from them before.  If someone lacks integrity and loyalty, you're better off without them no matter how or how long you've know them.  It's either that or lay down in the bed of thorns left for you.

Right on.  I felt super betrayed by an entire social group that accepted my ex and the replacements bu**s**t and bad behaviors.  So I dropped them- there are consequences for any choice, and I chose not to hang out with people who accept bad behavior in their social circle.  I unfriended everyone whom I perceived was remotely connected with them.  And now I look at that group- all of them have slept with each other, ratted each other out, drunkenly/druggedly fought with each other.  Crazy. A repeat of what seeking balance  found.  These people weren't cool and fun- they are the bottom of the barrel.  I mostly avoid or ignore these people when out, although I will be polite and quick to leave if forced by professional circumstance to interact with them. 

What hurt more than that social groups shenanigans, was that the people who I brought to the relationship didn't reach out to me either.  I know now that I might have 4 good friends in my life here, and not one of them was there for me at the most intense part of the trauma.  It was devastating to realize my "friends" would still say hi and make small talk with him after he did what he did to me.  I feel it validates him, to have my friends acknowledge him.

There was so much abandonment in this breakup.  My bf, the replacement, my community, my family.  Breathtaking- I'm amazed I'm still alive, because I thought for sure some days I would die from the pain and sorrow.  Most days I feel like I'm moving forward, but that is because I have to hope and desire to move and start over somewhere that I'm not constantly being triggered by environment.  Some days I'm not so lucky, and get bogged down- still- with ruminations and sadness.  Those are the days I fantasize about breaking n/c.  I never do, because I know I will never get what I need from this relationship.  He proved that to me already.  The only thing I can change about that equation is me, so I continue to explore what healing looks like.  I'm looking forward to making new friends that have no connection to any of these people.

[Ironmanrises]

The very fact that none of the mutual friends questioned my exUBPDgf is the god awful reality that she was not telling them at all what was really happening. Any one of them with the slightest bit of f¥cking conscious would have ripped her a new one for doing that to me, not once, but twice! A horrible realization that the story she did/most likely depicted was an entirely fabricated one where I was made to be somehow "impeding" in her quest for "personal development" bullish¥t facade she presented towards the end. The truth of the matter, was, I saw under her mask. And for that, I was banished. Cast aside. A realization that truly hurts as it sinks in.

[Pretty Woman]

So hard not to take it personally, I know. I am going through this now myself. The thing is this... .the one thing you loved about your ex, the facade they put on, other people are attracted to it... .

but it is just that, a facade.

BPD's can be convincing. Some of my friends actually thought I was stalking her. Yeah because I couldn't understand why she was dumping me... .I was needing closure.

Different than stalking.

I am sure you read on this board how many, many people have tried to be friends with their BPD ex and it ended the same way. This is because that person has a disorder. Whether they are attached to friends, family or lovers their relationships are fraught with issues.

The closer they get the more they see it.

Try not to take it personally or hate your friends for the siding. They don't know what they are in for. If they don't know about BPD let them learn... .

the hard way.