What my life would have looked like, had I stayed.

[Depression = 72% of members]

What my life with XuBPh would have looked like in the following areas if we had stayed married:

Sex Life

Living situation

Social activity

Family Issues

Financial Matters

Health Issues

Sex life:

I would have had him at my side for 99% of the time, so I would have never been lonely. I would have been suffocated. However the sex would have been pretty good.

Social Activity:

If I wanted to do anything with others (friends or family members) alone, I would have been interrogated after, or not permitted to go / do, and he would have called and texted me constantly while we were apart, therefore forcing me to return home to calm him down. As a result, I would have disappeared from my friends and families lives, even the lives of my own children. However, I was expected to be with him and his family at all times, no exceptions.

Family Issues:

My children could see that he was volatile. They were withdrawing from him, and did not want to be at my home on “our” days. They isolated themselves in their room. I would have lost the relationship with my children.

Financial Matters:

I would be expected to help XuBPh’s son during all of his crises. (Especially financially).  XStepson is a drug user and now a 17 year old father. I wonder how bad the drama would be, and if I could have handled it. Not to mention the financial repercussions that XStepsons’ juvenile jail time would have caused us. I think right now XuBPh owes over 1K to the courts. And now that XStepson has gone back for a couple of days to juvenile jail, and has to repeat part of the drug program over, it is probably racking up more charges.

Financially, XuBPh would not be able to support us. This was a constant problem (perhaps a blow to his ego that I made more and am self sufficent) that he could not do so, and did not seem ambitious enough to fix the problem. He refused further education and refused to let me get further education. And even if it was online, he would complain that I was spending too much time on schoolwork and ignoring my husband.

Health Issues:

XuBPh had constant health issues, and had incurred over 3K of medical debt. The doctors could find nothing wrong with him. And we went to them ALL. He had pain, intense pain, that stopped him from being able to go places, do things, even run the vacuum. I’m wondering now if the doctors did not find anything because there was nothing to find. That his pain was caused by mental health issues, or BPD, or a strange need for attention, at all times.

Please let me know what your life would have looked like if you had stayed?

I'm planning on posting a "what my life is now" next, I just wanted to know if this exercise could help all of us.

love4

[love4meNOTu]

What my life with XuBPh would have looked like in the following areas if we had stayed married:

Sex Life

Living situation

Social activity

Family Issues

Financial Matters

Health Issues

Sex life:

I would have had him at my side for 99% of the time, so I would have never been lonely. I would have been suffocated. However the sex would have been pretty good.

Social Activity:

If I wanted to do anything with others (friends or family members) alone, I would have been interrogated after, or not permitted to go / do, and he would have called and texted me constantly while we were apart, therefore forcing me to return home to calm him down. As a result, I would have disappeared from my friends and families lives, even the lives of my own children. However, I was expected to be with him and his family at all times, no exceptions.

Family Issues:

My children could see that he was volatile. They were withdrawing from him, and did not want to be at my home on “our” days. They isolated themselves in their room. I would have lost the relationship with my children.

Financial Matters:

I would be expected to help XuBPh’s son during all of his crises. (Especially financially).  XStepson is a drug user and now a 17 year old father. I wonder how bad the drama would be, and if I could have handled it. Not to mention the financial repercussions that XStepsons’ juvenile jail time would have caused us. I think right now XuBPh owes over 1K to the courts. And now that XStepson has gone back for a couple of days to juvenile jail, and has to repeat part of the drug program over, it is probably racking up more charges.

Financially, XuBPh would not be able to support us. This was a constant problem (perhaps a blow to his ego that I made more and am self sufficent) that he could not do so, and did not seem ambitious enough to fix the problem. He refused further education and refused to let me get further education. And even if it was online, he would complain that I was spending too much time on schoolwork and ignoring my husband.

Health Issues:

XuBPh had constant health issues, and had incurred over 3K of medical debt. The doctors could find nothing wrong with him. And we went to them ALL. He had pain, intense pain, that stopped him from being able to go places, do things, even run the vacuum. I’m wondering now if the doctors did not find anything because there was nothing to find. That his pain was caused by mental health issues, or BPD, or a strange need for attention, at all times.

Please let me know what your life would have looked like if you had stayed?

I'm planning on posting a "what my life is now" next, I just wanted to know if this exercise could help all of us.

love4

[bpdspell]

Sex Life

Living situation

Social activity

Family Issues

Financial Matters

Health Issues

Sex Life: Initially good but inevitably empty and disconnected.

Living Situation: If he had it his way I'd be paying all bills and he'd be smoking weed and playing video games all damn day. I would also be his damn maid and personal chef. He'd also drive my car to Heaven knows where.

Social Activity:  He would be controlling my every move and pulling my puppet strings to serve his every need. I wouldn't have a life and he'd make sure of it.

Family Issues: My ex certainly tried to isolate me from family being the control freak that he showed himself to be so eventually I'd be estranged from loved ones.

Financial: I'd would be his Sugar Momma. Period. End of Story.

Health: My ex stressed me out so much that my hair started falling out and I broke out in hives. I started getting bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep. My nervous system was so out of whack as I LIVED on eggshells.

Essentially my life would be rotting in hell misery and to that I say no frickin thanks!

Spell

[frustrated b/f]

Sex Life - was getting colder and colder. Her attitude became a complete physical turn-off

Living situation - even after five years, when we broke up we were both living comfortably apart

Social activity - it was always me coming up with social activities, no suggestions from her, EVER, just complaints that she does everything I want to do

Family Issues - I never met her mother, and if her family was painted negative, they weren't allowed around. I was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the limited effort she put into creating a r/s with my kids while I tried very hard to accommodate her children

Financial Matters - we had separate economies. My troubles were mine, and she wouldn't allow anyone to help her or even make suggestions

Health Issues - Towards the end, there was always some ailment she was suffering from that I didn't/couldn't support her with. I was never invited to her Dr. appointments, however I welcomed her to mine

[Jbt857]

Living Situation: If he had it his way I'd be paying all bills and he'd be smoking weed and playing video games all damn day. I would also be his damn maid and personal chef. He'd also drive my car to Heaven knows where.

Financial: I'd would be his Sugar Momma. Period. End of Story.

Spell

That was my marriage, right there.

Just another of so many 'were we dating the same person' moments that are so common on here... .

[love4meNOTu]

What my life with XuBPh would have looked like in the following areas if we had stayed married:

(REPOST I've added how my life is now)

Sex Life

Living situation

Social activity

Family Issues

Financial Matters

Health Issues

Emotional Life

Sex life:

I would have had him at my side for 99% of the time, so I would have never been lonely. I would have been suffocated. However the sex would have been pretty good.

Now: Nonexistent sex life

Social Activity:

If I wanted to do anything with others (friends or family members) alone, I would have been interrogated after, or not permitted to go / do, and he would have called and texted me constantly while we were apart, therefore forcing me to return home to calm him down. As a result, I would have disappeared from my friends and families lives, even the lives of my own children. However, I was expected to be with him and his family at all times, no exceptions.

Now: My friends are glad to see me back, however I don’t think I’m the best company. But... I am making an effort here, and am making new friends every day.

Family Issues:

My children could see that he was volatile. They were withdrawing from him, and did not want to be at my home on “our” days. They isolated themselves in their room. I would have lost the close relationship I have with my children.

Now: My children and I are closer than ever before.

Financial Matters:

I would be expected to help XuBPh’s son during all of his crises. (Especially financially).  XStepson is a drug user and now a 17 year old father. I wonder how bad the drama would be, and if I could have handled it. Not to mention the financial repercussions that XStepsons’ juvenile jail time would have caused us. I think right now XuBPh owes over 1K to the courts. And now that XStepson has gone back for a couple of days to juvenile jail, and has to repeat part of the drug program over, it is probably racking up more charges.

Financially, XuBPh would not be able to support us. This was a constant problem (perhaps a blow to his ego that I made more and am self sufficent) that he could not do so, and did not seem ambitious enough to fix the problem. He refused further education and refused to let me get further education. And even if it was online, he would complain that I was spending too much time on schoolwork and ignoring my husband.

Now: My financial issues will be gone within months. I have security from his constant demands for money. I am going to (a college here) next week to discuss their accelerated program, and I will finally finish my degree and be PROUD of me.

Health Issues:

XuBPh had constant health issues, and had incurred over 3K of medical debt. The doctors could find nothing wrong with him. And we went to them ALL. He had pain, intense pain, which stopped him from being able to go places, do things, or even run the vacuum. I’m wondering now if the doctors did not find anything because there was nothing to find. That his pain was caused by mental health issues, or BPD, or a strange compulsion for attention, at all times.

Now: I have no idea if his health still plagues him, and I don’t have to worry if he’s hurting at work, taking his pills, getting to the doctor. Now, I focus on my health, which I have let slide. The upside? The frequent back pain I had is gone.

Emotional Life:

I would have bitten my tongue in two. I could not be honest and open with him without triggering him in some way. I would have been deemed “disrespectful”. I would have made myself invisible, become a person I don’t recognize and do whatever it took to keep him calm and happy. I would have listen to him harp about other people’s moral and values, yet see him be the angriest most vengeful person I’ve ever met. And him not being able to look at his own behavior and see that it was not right. I would have become demoralized, a shadow of myself. I would have been suspected, accused and blamed for everything wrong with him and expected to be there for him every single minute of every single day... without him being able to return that favor. He was not capable of empathy, even for me. He could only display a version of empathy if it made him look good... and that quality about him disgusted me.

Now: I’m learning more about myself in the last six months than I have in the last 45 years. I think I can have a happy life, I really think I do / can. I have issues, we all do, but I’m working on them, and perhaps in the future I can find a healthy partner and have the love / companionship I’ve always wanted.

love4

[Pretty Woman]

If my ex hadn't left I would be tired and despondent from trying to keep my mouth shut and her happy. I would be walking on eggshells and writing off family and friends out of embarassment (lied to many that we had gotten back together for round 6).

I would be more disorganized than I am now. I am cleaning up my life, my paperwork.

I am still sad and struggling but now I don't have to worry about her leaving... .she did.

[Lostlove78]

Sex life: pretty intense an passionate.

Living situation: she's a single mom with two boys who lives with her folks and her folks take care of a majority of things for her. She works part time and pays for groceries, but al other bills, car, phone, insurance, etc her folk take care of. I tried to play the white knight and my this woan a bit more independent but to now avail. Even talking to her folks they seemed to just enable the behavior.

Social situations. She needed to be with me constantly, if I did see friends she would need to be with me o keeping tabs on me, or out at bars flirting with other guys. When we did things together it was cool, me and her boys. Grew pretty attached to them

Family: my mom hated her, no one in my family liked her, needless to say I could care less i loved her anyways and I live m own life. Told them they don't have to like her but you will respect my decision or go pound tar.

Financially: I'd been saving to get our own place, her job didn't pay enough to contribute to that seeing she just started a job, and was always just starting a job cause it was hard for her to stay employed. This is where her folks come into play and instead of helping me guid her into a more mature financial situation just continued to give her money and whatever she needed

Health issues. Fibromyalgia, gerd, kidney disease, depression. Tried my best to be supportive, get her into therapy and try to communicate better which was nearly impossible.

Currently: broke up with me eraser this month, was overlapping me with another man and they're already engaged. Needless to say I'm a bit shocked but, I have my own issues, not sure why I didn't see th flags waving on this one. Tried to play the white knight and got badly burned

[momtara]

Sex Life:  Not much of one, but I don't care.  People out there are creepy with their STD's.  Ex was safe.

Living Situation: He'd be hiding in the bedroom while I do the housework, look for things to do, etc.

Social Activity:  Only things he wants to do, if he'll keep our plans.

Family Issues:  Only let me see relatives on Saturdays, and he doesn't like any of them.

Financial:   I pay most of everyhting.

Health:  Nervous about triggering him, but also healthy because I have someone to come home to.  I miss that.  When he was not in his dark stages.

[smartwoman220]

Sex life... .was incredible

living situation... .nice home, we were both neat freaks... .but after his rages, cabinets were missing and  doors and frames were broken.

Social Actvity... .same hole in the wall bar, cook out with his friends ( my friends didn't do him) movie  night  with  my son the weekends my  son was with  us ( he would go out that  night), long sunday mornings cuddling

Family issues... .the  hated him... .period

Financial... .I was BROKE... .he  kept quitting  jobs, but had enough money  for cigs, beer etc


health... .my anxiety and depression  almost killed me

living situation... .  together, on my  dime



Now, I am  in a new townhouse, have a new job, no longer on meds for anxiety or depression  , have a little  bit of a cushion in my savings and am slowly getting back to  meeting men.

Overall... .I can smile