engaged to my replacement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Oh yippee, after posting something on anger a few hours ago, I was informed that my BPDexbf has moved in with the girl he cheated with, overlapped me with and consequently dumped me for.  They are also getting engaged.

Id like to retract my earlier post on not having any anger because right now I feel like Id be ok if they both fell down an elevator shaft while on fire.

I typically follow the school of thought that even if someone isnt disordered that kind of behavior doesn’t facilitate healthy future relationships. Overlappers don’t learn anything. They bury their feelings and transfer the unresolved issues to the next.   And therefore are doomed to repeat their mistakes.  I cannot imagine him changing from a crappy lying cheating stalking crazy person to an amazing boyfriend with my replacement in 8 months.   Especially if he hasn’t done any work on himself. 

I think in the back of my mind I was relying on my diagnosis of him being BPD  to eventually manifest in his new relationship burning to the ground…it doesn seem to be doing so, I am a little frustrated.  I shouldn’t be though.  Im trying to work through my feelings and understand the root of why im actually feeling some type of way about this.  I think my ego is bruised and some childhood hurts have been stirred up a little.  I am feeling like my self worth has been rattled a bit.  Im working through that disruptive resurgence of anger. Its already disspating but still, dang what a colossal d******* he is!



Any words of encouragement? I need them right now.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Oh yippee, after posting something on anger a few hours ago, I was informed that my BPDexbf has moved in with the girl he cheated with, overlapped me with and consequently dumped me for.  They are also getting engaged.

Id like to retract my earlier post on not having any anger because right now I feel like Id be ok if they both fell down an elevator shaft while on fire.

I typically follow the school of thought that even if someone isnt disordered that kind of behavior doesn’t facilitate healthy future relationships. Overlappers don’t learn anything. They bury their feelings and transfer the unresolved issues to the next.   And therefore are doomed to repeat their mistakes.  I cannot imagine him changing from a crappy lying cheating stalking crazy person to an amazing boyfriend with my replacement in 8 months.   Especially if he hasn’t done any work on himself. 

I think in the back of my mind I was relying on my diagnosis of him being BPD  to eventually manifest in his new relationship burning to the ground…it doesn seem to be doing so, I am a little frustrated.  I shouldn’t be though.  Im trying to work through my feelings and understand the root of why im actually feeling some type of way about this.  I think my ego is bruised and some childhood hurts have been stirred up a little.  I am feeling like my self worth has been rattled a bit.  Im working through that disruptive resurgence of anger. Its already disspating but still, dang what a colossal d******* he is!



Any words of encouragement? I need them right now.

[Pretty Woman]

oxenfree,

   Oh my I understand your anger. But look at it like this... .

They tend to move quicker in the next relationship. He is so fast forwarding he doesn't even know her and she has been so bamboozled by his suaveness it hasn't hit her yet he is disordered.

This probably will not make it to the alter and if it does honey, WOW... .you dodged a bullet. You could be legally tied to this guy.

Man, it hurts to be replaced but it's how you look at it... .he needed a WEAKER target (why he left). You were too strong and you will survive.

Be mad, but be sorry for the replacement. She has no idea.

My ex just left me for a replacement I know. She knows she recycles exes.  My ex is so pissed she knows this and told me she will never speak to me again---the funny thing is I told this other woman about the recycles the LAST time my ex left me... .

for an ex!

She has been warned.  I didn't dare mention BPD though. I think the ultimate betrayal is a friend hooking up with your ex while you are with them... .and trying to be your friend. I totally nipped that in the bud. Still, I figure her not knowing about BPD is the best revenge (I know, mean) but wait until she sees I wasn't this bit_h she made me out to be!

[Jbt857]

Well, I think wishing them Ill is perfectly ok when you've just learned something like that. It's ok to feel angry - make the most of feeling it while it's there! You're not BPD - it will subside.

But as Earth Angel said - engagement doesn't mean anything. Doesn't mean they will marry. Doesn't mean they will be happy, if they do. Doesn't mean they will make a success of it. Doesn't mean he won't do the same crap to her that he did to you. Doesn't mean it won't end in tears. See it fir what it is - an empty gesture to try and prove to himself and the world that he's ok.

He isn't.

Does mean it may be an opportunity for you to accelerate in finally detaching from him. That would be good... .

Hugs! 

[LuckyEscapee]

Hi Oliolioxenfree,

Your post could've been my exact post some time ago, except mine lied about getting engaged to my face, whilst he was promising forever to my replacement, whilst he was telling me I would always be his soulmate. They are now expecting a baby together. According to the timing he was still attempting to re-engage me after she got pregnant.  

I don't think engagement or pregnancy or even marriage means the same commitment to them? My exBPD seems to use them as game plays.

These things shock us, but they are actually confirmations you have truly escaped! Who does this type of thing? Who declares their undying love only to shout 'next' and move right along to undying love with our replacements quick smart? Someone who with BPD you can do without is the answer.

I really really pity our replacements, but hope they by some small chance they can be happy. I would only put my money on there being plenty of long running misery along their path, but most importantly it won't be ours, we are already healing.

Anger is part of that processing. You are doing good! As long as it isn't you in the BPD firing line anymore, things get better I promise.  

[Pretty Woman]

I second, JBT:

Does mean it may be an opportunity for you to accelerate in finally detaching from him. That would be good... .

[Oliolioxenfree]

You are all so so right and so astute in your own observations.  I can't say enough about the clarity and wisdom everyone gains here. 

I feel like this is a minor setback.  Ive been doing well for nearly 9 months and I am in a new relationship.  This should be past me.   

It is definitely time to detach. permanently.  and not look back.

My friend gave some good advice and told me.  "BPD is an ATTACHMENT disorder, if he's not attaching to you its someone else... .anyone else... .and usually that anyone else, turns out to be a much easier target"  which echoes earth angel."  I know this is true. 

.

Thank you all for bringing me back to reality.  Goes to show how nonlinear healing from these relationships can be.  yOu never know what will set you off.

 

[Lostlove78]

Hey olio,

I joined recently cause I was unsure if my ex gf of 4 years had BPD. I'm sure she had something though, whether it was BPD or narcissistic qualities but nonetheless to make a long story short, it was a very toxic relationship with many break ups and get togethers. I. Noticed through the month of oct she was becoming more distant and engaging more with new friends and People on FB. After a while she just said it wasn't working out and he wanted me to move out. She said she needed time alone to think about stuff. I respected her decision and did so over a few days. Last day of moving I go back to get the last few things and she is already with some new guy. I was upset nonetheless but got no response from her. Turns out this past week they too got engaged... .I was floored. My head is still spinning about it, but much like earth angel said I almost feel at this point I dodged a bullet. Her behavior in the relationship was so needy and the fear of abandonment so strong, I ignored tons of flags. If I had to go away for the d for work o just to see friends occasionally she would reach out to other men to fill her time up. Our exs are people who have issues, issues I foolishly tried to fix. I fell hard into a white knight syndrome with her, thinking I could somehow fix her and us and live happily ever after. It's just a matter of time till these people show there true selves to people. I'm glad I know the signs now cause I was totally under a spell.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Thanks LostLove78.

The crazy neediness and intense abandonment fears we all know too well.   Its still hard for me to wrap my head around how someone else will deal with it... .but I guess its as they say... Idealization phase.  It still annoying though.

I KNOW I dodged a major bullet. Its just a strange feeling.  I read so many posts on this, how they wind up getting married or engaged to your replacement and have this insanely quick courtship the next time around, but i guess I thought it wouldn't happen to me.

Now I understand.

Its so insane, but its a good thing its not me.  I too was under a spell.  At least now I'm not still in it and can see clearly, although it still stings sometimes.  I was doing so well for months and then this bs.

I know with every ounce of my being he's mentally ill and she's a desperate woman. What kind of woman sells a half a million dollar home to move into a crappy townhouse with a guy she just met 8 months earlier?  she did the same thing with her boyfriend before that too and added him to the title of her home after 8 months. The home she just sold. 

It appears he found the perfect weak, desperate, and insecure replacement for me who stopped tolerating his garbage.  Good riddance.  let them crash and burn.

[Lostlove78]

I hear you. Being replaced is no fun at all. I've had to pull myself back from thinking I was a bad person. I'm human we argued and what not but truth be told these vampires suck your life force from you, without you even seeing it. I was so wrapped up in it, like an actor in a movie or something. I almost feel like I've didn't just lose the 4  years we were together but more just because if the emotionally draining qualities of the relationship. And I'm in therapy to now cause I feel slightly damaged after all this. The engagement thing tho to the replacement just weeks after me, floors me. And it was somewhat embarrassing to have friends call me after seeing her FB and being like what the heck. Life lessons for sure

[Waifed]

Even if these people get engaged and actually get married you can rest assured that its going to be one ___ed up marriage. Lying, cheating, push and pull, everything that you have experienced and worse.

I work with a guy who was married to a dBPD woman for twenty years. She was diagnosed after they separated. She cheated, lied, raged at him for 20 years. I asked him how he could do it for so long. He said he left her every time it got unbearable. He would leave for up to a year at a time. He said she would hit him in the nose to make his nose bleed then rub the blood all over herself, bite her lip and then call the police!  It is total madness. They have been divorced for 8 years and she still harasses him constantly. She has cut his convertable car's soft top 3 times in the past 3 years. Through all this he said he still loves her but would never go back to her.  PwBPD are addicting. That is why we all struggle so badly.

[Turkish]

Man, it hurts to be replaced but it's how you look at it... .he needed a WEAKER target (why he left). You were too strong and you will survive.

I slowly started standing up to mine (something she always said she wanted me to do!), and the relationship went downhill, along with the stress of a second kid and also some other incidental things... .and me emotionally detaching due to stress (huge trigger!). I own that last one a lot, but the cheating is all her. She told me last week that she just couldn't "do this" (a mature relationship). She wants the teen romance. All. The. Time.

Me: early 40s, successful career, decent money. VERY financially independent and manage us well (I also encouraged her to get better, and she did... .and appreciates it still). Have a few significant long term decent people as friends (they are my family). Published, patents. Intelligent, warm, kind and emotionally stable. Wounds from childhood, sure, but there's nothing "wrong" with me, despite her abandoning me to therapy (just like my disordered mom did when I was 13, imagine that!) which I am still in.

Him (the piece of sh@#): early 20s, still in school (I finished when I was 20 and was working almost 3 years for a Fortune 500 company... .put myself through school, too), a player, a false religious nut. She says he's "spiritual" and "knows God" (yeah, maybe he knows some"thing" but it isn't God). A kid from foster care himself (if he didn't lie to her about that) who likely has an attachment disorder of his own. Isn't man enough to start his own family, so he has to unnaturally attach to someone else's. Emotionally, they're both like 13 year olds, by my estimation.

Yeah, the "weaker" target indeed. To hell with them, they're made for each other. Young fools... .

Be mad, but be sorry for the replacement. She has no idea.

She told me he already has observed her anger over little things, asked her about it. Ha ha ha! She's still living under the stability my home provides. Wait until he gets the "full" her. I told her this, too. She didn't answer.

Him? He hurt my children by his lust and unnatural attachment towards their mother. I hope he burns in hell for that. (sorry if that violates something here... .I'm just really mad at this, and that it took me over two months to look at it like that).

[Lostlove78]

Anger is a good sign man. It's a later stage of acceptance. I like your quotes. I was and am still struggling with being jealous over my replacement but, through friends, this board and therapy ther is a sense of sadness knowing there is a storm coming to him of a very big magnitude. This is why I dragged my feet to marry her. He leaped in head first.

[Clearmind]

It hurts naturally! Unfortunately for her she has no idea that BpD is a pervasive pattern of relating and it's not the person, you or her that can curb is behaviour. It is what it is because he is the person he is.

It's not your fault. This girl has some learning in her future. I've seen it before - the lead up to the wedding will be 'bliss' until a few weeks before when the fantasy, for them both, will soon turn to reality.

Thankfully, you have now seen the reality she Is yet to face - have some empathy and compassion for what she is about to endure. When we have empathy and compassion it leaves little room for ruminating, grief and anger.

[Ironmanrises]

This won't stop any of your pain/anger which is totally understandable given the circumstances, but you know within, what you experienced with your expwBPD, that he will do to her what he did to you. Think of what the intensity of feelings that "getting engaged" entails; the hell that will inevitably follow in x period of time for that person that replaced/overlapped you is coming. That person was you before. I know you are angry, and rightfully so. The injustice of it.   I know words offer little consolation to the hurt/anger you are feeling. Just know, that we know, how you feel.

[momtara]

My soon to be ex husband met me while he was in the process of breaking up and getting back together with his ex gf.  Finally they broke up for good.  He claimed that she had a "temper."  Sure. 

He and I got engaged within 7 months.  Right before we got married, he said he wasn't ready to get married.  I begged.  I was just too attached to him, despite the red flags. 

Now we are getting divorced, 5 years later.  She, on the other hand, married a good guy two years later and is still happily married. 

Just thought I'd talk about it from the other side.

Now I am going to see my ex get engaged again someday, and I will be sad and lonely but maybe relieved.

[Learning_curve74]

Oliolioxenfree, it sucks to hear your exBPDbf is engaged. But it also means that his fiancee will probably eventually be on bpdfamily talking about her ex-fiancee or ex-husband eventually. As an example, here is momtara's post:

My soon to be ex husband met me while he was in the process of breaking up and getting back together with his ex gf.  Finally they broke up for good.  He claimed that she had a "temper."  Sure. 

He and I got engaged within 7 months.  Right before we got married, he said he wasn't ready to get married.  I begged.  I was just too attached to him, despite the red flags. 

Now we are getting divorced, 5 years later.  She, on the other hand, married a good guy two years later and is still happily married. 

Just thought I'd talk about it from the other side.

Now I am going to see my ex get engaged again someday, and I will be sad and lonely but maybe relieved.

Apologies momtara. I do not mean to make light of your situation but it was the perfect example. 

[momtara]

Nope, you are right.  She will be here too!   

[Phoenix.Rising]

It does suck and it does not seem fair, but the reality is that your ex will keep repeating until/unless he works on himself.  Just like we will keep repeating the same patterns if we don't change.   

My ex married again after dating a guy for a very short period of time after we split up.  It did not surprise me, per se.  I really kind of expected it, knowing a lot of her patterns.  But it was hard to accept, and it still is, in some ways.  However, if I'm honest with myself, I should feel grateful that we are not still together.  I was starting to slip down the rabbit hole, and that is a long, slow climb out.  Hang in there!

[bpdspell]

The way our ex's quickly rebound is pudding proof how mentally ill our they are. Hopping from replacement to replacement is really psychotic when you think about it.

They look normal on the outside but on the inside they are a walking storm cloud of sickness, historical damage and devastation. Your ex's engagement is ALL appearances. Remember that. There is no one or no thing that will keep him happy for long cause having BPD is an insufferable mental illness.

My ex had my replacement lined up weeks before our breakup. I was blindsided but confident enough to know that the new person wasn't getting anything special. Was I hurt? Hell yeah. Being treated like a disposable object by someone we opened up ourselves emotionally to is just plain wrong. But I'm a firm believer that BPD's create their own karma…

What I constantly remind myself is that: I didn't "lose" anything. I gained myself and dodged several bullets. I almost had this man's baby and there's no doubt in my mind he would have ruined me! What I'm thankful for from my ex is his  "turning on the light" so that I could face my own repressed and unhealed issues.

And that is the beauty of detaching.

Spell

[Pretty Woman]

I second BPD Spell. The last two times my ex left she had replacements in que. I don't know if they were already seeing each other but the emotional attachments were there.

When I came into the picture my ex was out of a "bad" relationship with get this... .a prison PSYCHIATRIST!

She said she had to move, change her number and file a RO. This woman was a sex addict and stalker.

Fast forward a year and I find out they were in the process of getting back together when I came along. I always wondered why she was talking and texting this person while dating me... .

and her phone was always password encrypted so I couldn't use it. That was another red flag.

Don't beat yourself up, dear. You loved. You love. Unfortunately this is a sick love. You can't save anyone but yourself. I know, I know, you think the next one might work... .there is a chance. Think of all you have been through, all the times you tried. The irrational argument where you just couldn't win, the silent treatment, being told you meant nothing, it's over, it's done only for them to show up on your doorstep, no apologies but wanting you with those puppy dog eyes.

It breaks your heart. You are human but going through this you have a great capacity to love. That is a good thing. Keep your heart open.

I am a huge believer in the law of attraction. Everyday say "Healthy, happy and confident people are attracted to me. I attract wonderful relationships".

Believe it. Live it. It will get better.  Do not wish the ex bad. Try to have empathy... .he never will and that is the sad part of this. You have to be the bigger person... .you are the sane one.

[Jbt857]

But I'm a firm believer that BPD's create their own karma…

You know Spell, I've really been wrangling with this, this week.

Does karma really catch up with them? Look at the suffering and the hurt and the pain of everyone here. Did they deserve that? Generally, I'd say the people here are incredibly good people who did nothing to deserve what hit them when they encountered BPD. Who is left after the relationship, trying to process that stuff? It's not the BPD.

I don't believe that my ex has sufficient self awareness to even contemplate that he has a problem. He has rewritten the script so well and is so consumed with his party lifestyle and his new woman and his friends that he doesn't have the time or the inclination to reflect. He has zero understanding of the pain he's caused. He has no conscience, because I'm painted black and our story rewritten. As will the next one be. And the next. Meanwhile, I'm the one still suffering and trying to pick up the pieces.

I've always believed that karma catches up on people, but as I said, this week, I'm now wondering if it does, or if it's just something we tell ourselves to comfort ourselves.

If anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd be really interested to hear them - restore my faith, people!  

[Pretty Woman]

I agree JBT.  In my situation my ex has one friend. The rest are all FB blasts from the past she talks to on the phone but doesn't see.

She is very insecure and can't be alone while I can.  We were really hot and heavy at the beginning but as she hurt me I distanced myself. Each time she dumped me (6x in 18mo) I cringed a bit more. I was so withdrawn from my friends and family for two years.

My only saving grace was the meetup groups I run. I really threw myself into them. Ironically my ex is dating a mutual friend from one of these groups.

I think BPD's are very insecure. Mine, even up to the break was insanely jealous and possessive. She took my being involved outside the relationship (with meetups and friends) as abandonment.

I think anything can count as abandonment with them. For me this was my 1st gay relationship and I was trying to cultivate new friendships for us because I did lose some very conservative friends and that was hard.

A part of me regrets my involvement but then my rational mind (because I have one says thank God. These people are still here and so supportive. I cannot imagine if I hadn't had other things happening in my life how devastated I would have been when she left. Don't get me wrong, it is really bad and hard but I have about 10 good people I can turn to.

You cannot give up your life for someone and be their "caregiver".

[bpdspell]

You know Spell, I've really been wrangling with this, this week.

Does karma really catch up with them? Look at the suffering and the hurt and the pain of everyone here. Did they deserve that?

I don't want to take over this thread but i believe it isn't a matter of karma "catching up" with them as much as they are "walking karma." Inner peace is INVALUABLE and that's something our ex's cannot attain due to their illness and to me that's pretty devastating.

To say that Karma catches up with them implies that they get off scott free in some kind of way and I don't believe they do. There's a post on the Leaving Board about their history of successful relationships and the overwhelming answer is "no" "not happening." Their internal misery and how they treat others is proof of what a pitiful existence lives inside of them.

Just because they find replacements easily doesn't absolve them from they psychotic hell that lives in their brains. It's their lack of insight and self-awareness that gives birth to those demons that they can't see to shake. And they will never shake them no matter who their screwing, the income or the material object.

And this is very hard for us to see when we are reeling in our own pain it's hard for us see how much our ex's truly hate themselves. But that self-hate is their karma and it never leaves them.

Spell

[Turkish]

But I'm a firm believer that BPD's create their own karma…

You know Spell, I've really been wrangling with this, this week.

Does karma really catch up with them? Look at the suffering and the hurt and the pain of everyone here. Did they deserve that? Generally, I'd say the people here are incredibly good people who did nothing to deserve what hit them when they encountered BPD. Who is left after the relationship, trying to process that stuff? It's not the BPD.

I don't believe that my ex has sufficient self awareness to even contemplate that he has a problem. He has rewritten the script so well and is so consumed with his party lifestyle and his new woman and his friends that he doesn't have the time or the inclination to reflect. He has zero understanding of the pain he's caused. He has no conscience, because I'm painted black and our story rewritten. As will the next one be. And the next. Meanwhile, I'm the one still suffering and trying to pick up the pieces.

I've always believed that karma catches up on people, but as I said, this week, I'm now wondering if it does, or if it's just something we tell ourselves to comfort ourselves.

If anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd be really interested to hear them - restore my faith, people!  

Hi Jbt... .I like BPDspell's answer, about the self-hate. Mine does have an understanding of the pain she caused and is causing, but her personality "switches" (the coping mechanism), and then she puts on the facade of the world that everything is ok, and she is moving on out of a loveless r/s to "better things" and "moving forward." Justifying her affair with the man-boy who is my replacement. It hurts me to the core, but WE know better. If it helps even 1% (which is where I am at today), then that is better than nothing.

[Lostlove78]

In my case my ex was never, ever at fault. I know lines in a relationship can be drawn and fault can be the responsibility of two parties, but even when she had an episode, outburst, stints of accusation and more blame was always tossed onto what someone else did to cause it. Unfortunately the people surrounding my ex, her parents, children and friends all enable or " understand " her behavior so in many cases I feel karma flies out the window. With that said its hard at times to not see that BPD is not their fault, I'm secretly wishing too things crash down upon her in so karmic implosion but I almost think it will take care of itself, there is no need to wish for the karma, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when

[Oliolioxenfree]

Such great posts here,

I really thank all of you for your wise words.  I guess I will just have to have faith that hell erode the relationship, and pity my replacement.  I should be thankful she took a mentally ill person off the dating market for the rest of us nons.

Additionally, despite all outward appearances of a normal happy life, I have to keep remembering... .theres  no way hes changed.  None.  It simply isnt possible.

A side story that I remembered that helped was that of my friends brother.  He is not disordered FYI.  He was married and while his wife was pregnant she found him in bed with her m,aid of honor.  She divorced him and he subsequently wound up with the maid of honor.  They have been dating for years.  However, she has not won the prize.  He is verbally abusive to her, they fight incessantly and their relationship is toxic.  I see this as a template.  For the people who overlap and cheat and replace you immediately with the rebound replacement.  They cannot learn the lessons or change when they dont think they have to.  They will repeat the behavior.

I should be thankful.  I guess we should all be thankful.  The hurt and pain theyve caused not only opened some of our eyes to our own deep wounds from the past, but theyve released us from the toxic bond that would only get worse and cause us more pain down the road.

Im thankful.