Interacting with xBPD at work

[Depression = 72% of members]

I broke up with my uxBPDgf about 3 months ago.  We used to work together.  She lives in another city now, but still has an affiliation with my work.  She's going to be visiting for a few days soon.

She sent me a spiteful email recently, so I'm worried she's not going to be civil while we're both in the same space at work.  When we were together, she would come into my office and demand that I talk to her *right now or else* which usually resulted in 3 hours of verbal abuse.

So my question is this.  If we're working in the same space and she demands that I talk to her, how can I navigate myself out of the conversation without causing a scene?  If I say "I'm sorry, I need to work right now" that has made her even more angry and demanding in the past.

[nullset]

I broke up with my uxBPDgf about 3 months ago.  We used to work together.  She lives in another city now, but still has an affiliation with my work.  She's going to be visiting for a few days soon.

She sent me a spiteful email recently, so I'm worried she's not going to be civil while we're both in the same space at work.  When we were together, she would come into my office and demand that I talk to her *right now or else* which usually resulted in 3 hours of verbal abuse.

So my question is this.  If we're working in the same space and she demands that I talk to her, how can I navigate myself out of the conversation without causing a scene?  If I say "I'm sorry, I need to work right now" that has made her even more angry and demanding in the past.

[Jbt857]

Can you take vacation? Work from home those days? Excuse yourself for a meeting - just leave. If you come back to your office after diffusing the situation, could you sneak in without her seeing?

I'd certainly try and keep her and yourself out of that private office space. Try and be around other people as much as possible. She'll be less likely to try anything in public.

Is it a situation you could talk to your HR department for advice for?

[nullset]

Interesting advice.  I work in a tight-knit academic lab, so we're not really the "talk to HR" kind of work environment.

You're absolutely right about avoiding the private office space.  While she's here, she'll be sitting in our public lab space (which is right in front of my office).  So I think the best course of action is 1. Try to avoid interacting with her by staying in my office. 2. If she initiates anything, move to the public space.  I don't want to take a vacation or work from home just to avoid her, because I believe that would be taking responsibility for her problems, which I'm learning not to do.

Thanks for your advice.  Other suggestions welcome!

[Regular_Joe]

If you simply can't avoid her, then my best advice is simply "be the adult". Many BPDs are emotionally immature, and often respond as a child might.

Imagine if the conversational example you cited in your OP occurred between you and an actual child. How would you respond? Some parenting advice publications stress the importance of giving children clear choices and boundaries. For instance, your response might be more complete:

"I'm sorry, I need to work right now so I won't be able to give you my complete attention until I finish this task. We can talk in an hour when I'm done, or you can text or email me and I'll reply no later than hit_".

I'm no expert, but I am a parent. I can't say that approach has been foolproof, but it helps a lot (especially if you don't use a condescending tone ).

Cheers!

[seektruth]

I agree with Jbt857... .I would seriously consider taking a vacation.  Or you mention working from home - is that a viable option for you?  Taking a vacation or working from home would be about YOU, not her.  I'm not exactly sure how that is taking the responsibility away from her by you doing what might be best for you.  In this case to avoid contact at all costs.  From my experience, the only thing that works is NC.  These are toxic people and the only way to not get poisoned is to not even have the opportunity to be exposed.  Just my 2 cents.  Good luck.

[GreenMango]

If you simply can't avoid her, then my best advice is simply "be the adult". Many BPDs are emotionally immature, and often respond as a child might.

Imagine if the conversational example you cited in your OP occurred between you and an actual child. How would you respond? Some parenting advice publications stress the importance of giving children clear choices and boundaries. For instance, your response might be more complete:

"I'm sorry, I need to work right now so I won't be able to give you my complete attention until I finish this task. We can talk in an hour when I'm done, or you can text or email me and I'll reply no later than hit_".

I'm no expert, but I am a parent. I can't say that approach has been foolproof, but it helps a lot (especially if you don't use a condescending tone ).

Cheers!

Being the professional and the adult is good advice. 

I might add instead of saying we can talk later as an open ended thing that I am willing to have a conversation about work - feel free to email me- and Id like to keep it professional so I won't be discussing any personal or private matters regarding our relationship any further.

If you keep it to email and your response is professional then you have written documentation.  Even though you say your workplace isnt really an hr environment its best not to test this because if she's desperate enough to send hostile email you don't really know what she could do.

It's best to keep your nose clean and be the adult.

[GlennT]

I hope there will be video cameras in that office recording her behavior. Do not respond at all to any type of personal or  vindictive remarks made by her. Since her email was spiteful, she could get a wild hair up her ___ and accuse you of harrassment. This has been done before. Above all, record all personal interactions with her on your phone, and Do Not meet her anywhere alone, nor let her into your home, while she is in town.

[Learning_curve74]

It may be difficult, but I think you should be as boring and as professional as possible. Treat her the same way you would treat a very difficult co-worker that you have to interact with. Good luck. 

[nullset]

A related follow-up question:

Outside of a close relationship, my ex is a great person.  She's brilliant, wise, generous, and a lot of fun.  Naturally, most people at work adore her.

The problem is, I miss those qualities in her terribly.  When people talk about how much they like her, and how happy they are for her to be doing exciting things, I relive the pain of losing the good with the bad.

Any words of wisdom to help deal with that pain?

[seeking balance]

Any words of wisdom to help deal with that pain?

cry

Honestly, this is a very sad situation.  We all love the good parts of our BPDex's and those parts are still there and others get to see them.  One of the hardest parts to accept for me was that because of our relationship, I really was the trigger of the disordered behaviors... .it is a bitter pill to swallow.

For this reason, I stayed away from discussions about my ex, I even had my friends please don't bring her up - it simply hurt for quite a while.

Hang in there,

SB

[nullset]

Thanks seeking wisdom  I do think I'm due for a good cry, but I haven't been able to yet.  I think it will help when it happens.

[Waifed]

It may be difficult, but I think you should be as boring and as professional as possible. Treat her the same way you would treat a very difficult co-worker that you have to interact with. Good luck. 

I agree.  Kill her with indifference.