Accountability

[caulene]

I've had a very trying week with my BPD daughter and her Narcissistic husband.  I had to report them to Social Services for sexual impropriety.  They have started a "polyamorous" affair with some guy - my granddaughter came over to complain that she was tired of being unable to sleep at night because of the loud sex going on between the three of them.  My youngest granddaughter has complained of it often - waking up and seeing mom and dad and "some guy" all naked in bed together.

I took that info to Social Services to file a complaint of child abuse.  Since that time I have been "banned" from seeing my grandchildren.  Emails have gone out to ALL family members stating that I am "obsessed with them", that I am "mental" that I just "want to break up" up their family - yeah, they are a modern day romeo and juliet - they're love just knows no bounds.  Uh huh.  I have completely given up - I will walk away from my grandchildren because I have no choice.  I thought my granddaughter (age 16) wanted my help - since her parents "got" to her - she is refusing any contact with me - I feel very betrayed by her.  I'm in a very precarious position - where are letters going next - my employer? friends? 

My daughter refuses to take accountability for anything whatsoever.  She has become the very face of evil.  She wins.  I have no choice.  She has frightened me into backing off and leaving them alone to "hide" they're depravity.  I know longer feel sorry for her, I no longer feel bad for her, I know longer have a shred of respect for her.  I don't buy for one second that her "distorted" thinking is behind all this.  Well it's distorted alright - but she knows the difference between right and wrong.  If we buy into the "distorted" thinking excuse then we should open the doors to all the prisons and let out all the pedophiles, psychopaths and serial killers - because they also have "distorted" thinking.  I walk away - I need to protect myself and get on with my life.  The hope is that the grandchildren will one day understand.  But then again, maybe not.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am very sorry you are experiencing this, caulene.

It is understandable, that you would feel exasperated, angry and at the end of yourself as to knowing, what to do. Wanting to walk away when too much has happened for us to bear any more, is understandable too... .

Let me see if I understand your situation right:

Your youngest granddaughter has complained over some time that she wakes up and sees a threesome of naked adults.

This time, another one of your granddaughters came over to your place and complained about not being able to sleep because of loud sex between three people (two of them being her parents).

You have reported the parents to Social Services.

I see two possible reasons why the 16 year old might not want to talk to you: either she is afraid of what her parents would say/do if she expressed a desire to talk to you; or she made the story up this time, and is in trouble. (Personally, I am inclined to believe she was telling the truth, sometimes it helps to look at the situation from all possible angles, though)... .

If the report you made is based on your granddaughter telling the truth, then what you are experiencing from your daughter and son in law is what's called a "distortion campaign" - a false story to make you look bad/destroy your reputation with others, as a retaliation. These are common with persons w/BPD.

They are mentally ill, but you are right - they do know the difference between right and wrong. However, their mental illness is making them likely to resort to actions like these (distortion campaigns) as an unhealthy coping mechanism. That doesn't make it right, or excusable. Rather the mental illness makes it probable... .

Again, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is painful to deal with.

Do you have any news as to what is happening with the report to the Social Services you made?

[MammaMia]

Caulene

I am sorry for your predicament, and I hope Social Services does an investigation.  Is there any way for the grandchildren to prove their claims of parental sexual misconduct?  

Have your granddaughters ever asked to live with you?  If it is not feasible, do they have any other family members who might be able to help?    

You said you have been forced to back off.  Has your dBPDd threatened you?  I suspect the recipients of her e-mails know that she is the one who is mentally ill.  That is probably why the girls are afraid.

Please keep us posted.  These children are at risk.

[hopeangel]

Im so sad for your predicament Cauline! 

I do agree that your gd may be too afraid to go against her parents!  Either way they are both in an inhibiting environment!

I know you will do your best, keep pressing social services, take care of yourself!

[twojaybirds]

Caulene,

I will pray that you can find peace for yourself in this situation.  It sounds frustration and difficult.  Take some time to take care of yourself and think positive thoughts of other things in your life.

[caulene]

Thank you all for your kind words.  It has now been over two weeks since I've seen my grandchildren.  I know my granddaughter was telling the truth because my BPD/daughter admitted it to me when I confronted her.  But apparently it is really because I just have a problem with their "lifestyle" choice and this was said with a smug sneer, and am obsessed with them.  Social Services at this point has done nothing - and I have a feeling they will do nothing.  The reality is that if the kids aren't being raped, beaten or starved - they're good to go.  I really liked the term "distortion campaign" because that is what has been happening for a couple of years now.  Any attempt I have made to my daughter to try and get her to be a better mother to the kids has been met with ridiculous accusations and that "I" am the one with Borderline.  The accusations hurt.  I have witnessed my daughter viciously verbally attack my granddaughter for the most innocent of things.  I worry myself sick about the 7 year old - the 16 year old has choices the younger one doesn't - the younger one has seen nothing but her parents being crazy since she was born.  The damage being done is excruciating to me.  I ordered a very good book on Amazon called "When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart - Coping with Mental Illness, Substance Abuse and the Problems that Tear Families Apart". It helped me quite a bit.  A line in the book really stood out for me - "Mental Illness is an explanation not an excuse".  That is a belief I have and hold dear - and it was comforting to me to have that validated.

[pessim-optimist]

It hurts when we see our grandkids hurt by their loved ones... .

It also hurts when we are cut off from them... .

Do you think that it's possible that your older granddaughter just wanted to vent about the situation, but did not want you to do anything about it, and now feels betrayed, and like a tattletale?

If I were in your position, I would talk to the Social Services and ask them what their procedure is in cases like this, and if in the future it would be better for you to stay out of this, or if it is something they want to hear about and are able to do something about.

Based on their reply, I would decide, if it would be appropriate or not to write a short letter to your daughter that you would step back from the situation? (It might help keep you connected to the family and perhaps open the door again... .)

On the other hand, if things were still escalating and were NOT settling down with the other family members, I would consider writing an e-mail apologizing for the family being brought into the middle of this, saying that you have recently reported your dd and sil to Social Services and feel like they are in turn trying to get back at you by disseminating rumors about you. I'd also say that you'd rather not discuss the details of what happened, but are ready to set the record straight if any of them are troubled enough to need more information. this kind of e-mail would be to protect yourself, from the campaign. But it would likely make your dd and sil angry for exposing their game.

So, the thing to weigh here is - what is more important and appropriate at this point in time: protecting yourself, or staying connected with your grandkids... .

Of course, you can also take a middle road - something in between the above.

My point - you have options to choose from. What best expresses your values?

[Gidget]

I have started to use some accountability but when they only see things distorted, that most of us would consider normal does accountability really work. I have started to try and see things now the way her mind perceives them

[MammaMia]

Gidget

I agree with you.  After a while, their distorted perceptions become pretty predictable.  Once we can anticipate what they will do, we can try to work around it. 

Welcome to BPDF.   So glad you are here.  We all have a common journey with our BPD loved-ones.  Venting and discussing the craziness does make it more tolerable for all of us. Believe me, you are not alone in this battle.

Take care.