Things that have worked for us

[hopeangel]

Hi there!

I just wondered if people could share some things that they have said or done that have worked and helped their pwBPD to make improvements or things that have calmed them and brought them back down from a crisis.

For example, ever since I learned about the pwBPD's sense of shame and self hatred, I have been telling my dd she is a good and kind person at any opportunity where it sounds natural because I do believe she is.  If she counters with 'no Im not, I yell at people and judge people etc!'  I tell her that its part of her condition that she has the potential to overcome in the future and that I am her mother and know how she struggles and I know that she is a good person because I remember ... .(and give examples of anything from past or present where she was particularly kind or thoughtful).

Don't get me wrong this was met with a fair bit of contempt at first but now I know it has sunk in as she will say things like 'I don't know why I did that, I am a good person really!' She is learning who she really is.

When she was a complete hissing spitting hellcat it was the last thing I felt like saying to her but I thought it worth a try, I will always seek opportunities to praise who she really is and I swear it has paid off!

Another thing that's helped me no-end when she is in a raging crisis and being obnoxious is to, first of all tell her that its unacceptable to throw/shout/swear etc in our house/car and that I will take her back if she cant stop. THEN I remind myself of an analogy I read in one of the books of how their emotions are so painfull it is like someone on fire and the reason they crash through you and your feelings is because, if you were on fire you may crash through others to get relief from the burning pain, so then I am able to feel compassionate enough to validate effectively and talk her down supportively. This is a big help when she is being offensive to me and it seems to be over nothing.

Another one is the phrase 'I know that feels true to you, and if I thought that was true, I too would be so upset, ... .'  This one when she is being paranoid or unreasonable about me or other people and I cant  agree with her, I just agree with her feelings, not the story she is telling.

These have been the tools that have been getting me through, very basic but working for me. have you any to share that have been working for you?

We should share these tips don't you think as we need all the mental equipment we can get to get by! 



 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

  That's a wonderful idea and some nice tools you are using!

I have to run for tonight. I will come back tomorrow to post and see what others have posted. 

[lbjnltx]

Thank you hopeangel,

From reading your posts and responses to your daughter it is obvious that you have much compassion and empathy for her.  Staying in touch with compassion and empathy is possible when we don't personalize their words or actions... .it really isn't always about us. 

I also see your boundaries and validation skills hard at work and being of benefit to her.  Being present in the moment  and not losing sight of the goal of supporting her during the toughest times will keep the door open for building trust and a better relationship now and in the future.

Awesomeness!

lbj

[living in the past]

 i admire your hope that you can help your daughter , i always hope i made some positive influence on my friend, thanks for posting.

[hopeangel]

Thank you for your kind words Ibj,

They mean so much, I have read some of your posts too and I have so much respect for you and the way you handle things.

I am so sure it matters how we deal with them as parents. Dd  IS improving and throughout the whole ordeal has been very sensitive to how I am with her (not always to my benefit  ) but I am aware that my behaviour is key to any potential recovery.  Her dad let her down, her grandparents died, I'm going nowhere!

Gregory, I am so sorry you have had been sucked into the vortex, so to speak, I havent seen your story but I am sure you did your best for your friend and I honestly feel it is too complex an issue for a friend to solve, even with the best of intentions. You would surely just get sucked in and spun round on a fast spin cycle and then spat out (just guessing!)  I think to stay involved with a pwBPD you need a VERY strong motivation, such as mother/father love otherwise we would all be running for our lives! Im not joking, now I can do it for my daughter and to be fair I could do it for my step-son too, he has issues too as his own mum died and I a :)m very close to him but Im not sure if I would care to take this rollercoaster ride to help anyone who wasn't my child its just too hard and thankless!

I Do believe DD can change and I do think I can support that change - she suddenly said a few weeks ago when I was chatting to her about the importance keeping commitments 'I NEED you to help me be who I really am, you just made me feel in touch with my soul!' Now I don't know exactly what she meant but I am going to keep believing that I am doing some good!

I don't have the answers but Im trying hard to find them, meanwhile dd improves every year!

[pessim-optimist]

That is such an encouraging post, hopeangel!

A lot of what you describe has helped us also. Those are some key approaches. Sometimes the most basic tools are the most important ones!

Here is another way to relate that has helped us. It is for times when we know the pwBPD is capable of doing something for themselves, or it involves their relationships. It's a bit counter-intuitive:

My sd often does not know how to handle a situation, and asks us for advice/help. In the past, we would give her advice, and she usually did not follow it, and got herself into fights and struggles with others. Then she would come back for more help.

We are learning to NOT give her advice, and to NOT solve her problems for her. Instead, we validate her feelings and ask her open-ended questions to 'talk her through it', help her get calm, and let her come up with her own solutions. We do try to help her by asking what would be wise, and what she thinks is going to happen if she does what she is suggesting. If I really want to give advice, I pose it as: 'what if you did such and such, would that solve the problem?' It is key to be compassionate, real, and respectful in such a conversation. As opposed to patronizing (that would backfire).

If she does well, we encourage her, if she makes a poor choice and does not like the outcome, we validate.

This way, she is learning several things: thinking about the consequences of her actions ahead of time and weighing them. By our encouragement, and by coming up with her own solutions, she is getting a bit more confident, and less ashamed.

For us, there are benefits too:

1. We do not feel responsible for her and the outcomes of her actions (she is an adult)

2. We do not have those, 'I told you so', and 'here we go again' feelings - and she has less reason to be resentful.

3. We are free to validate, and encourage, instead of problem-solve, and that brings us closer, no matter what the outcome is.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I just wanted to say thank you for starting this very HELPFUL thread!

[hopeangel]

Thanks Bioadoptmom, I knew there must be some good stuff out there!   

I am going to adopt pessim-optimists approach of supporting them find their own solution to problems!  That is a great one - Thank you! 

Also as Ibj added, Don't take their words personally - I am finding the things dd says less cutting as time goes on as Im gaining the ability to take myself or my family out of the firing line (in my head) and just accept she is distressed and lashing out.

DD was complaining yesterday that my dh and dss  must always laugh at her when they are alone together, and that they always have done since she was a child and that step-families 'don't work'. 

Now given the level of commitment and understanding my dh has put in to help her, this was so unfair, he comes to all the carers support groups and once slept on her living room floor because she was afraid 'someone was coming for her' and I was  painted black at the time.

But I just said that although I didn't think that they did, she protests - 'oh yes they do!' I just said 'well if you think they do that must be horrible for you that's not a nice feeling I can understand that!'

She then dropped the subject and was very nice company all day! Also she got something out of her bag that she has promised to lend to dss and asked me to give it to him!

It really works! (sometimes!)