Why did I read the letter?

[Nearlybroken]

So, there have been a few days of "typical BPD" behaviour which I will not detail save to say we have all been through similar.He turned up again at our house with the dogs and proceeded to reel off his usual crap avout how everything was my fault.Typical made up stories and utter distortions of the truth.I didn't respond as there was no point.Of course, because I did not respond he was right.If I had responded I would have "proved" his point that I am argumentative so he would have been "right".Lose-lose.He later put a letter through the door.Which I made the stupid mistake of reading.In summary:

NB... .I am forced to adopt your tactics in communication now (I presume this refers to the fact that I wrote him numerous love letters and notes) in order to get my point across because you do not listen to a word I say.I think it may be a mental health issue with you but the people I talked to told me I had to be kind to you given you clear problems.You have caused all of this with your stupid explanations and your pathetic attempts to keep us together.I would have been OK if you had not tried to help me... .dragging me to the doctor and making me have therapy when you know I hate communication.I am happy when you are not around.I have met someone and she is nice and carefree.I am going to be with her and together we will try and get me over you.You put the wrong interpretation on everything I say and my therapist says you project onto me then you stand by and watch my pain.She says you are a perpetrator of domestic abuse.I would like to have sex with you still as I think it was the one area where you actually put in the effort to meet my needs but we cant do this as when I start seeing someone else you will become upset.You ruined everything with your stupid attitudes and total failure to love me in the way I wanted to be loved.You will have to live with this but I am just going to get over what you have done .You tried to make me something I am not but I am now with someone who is just like me.Your friends have spoken to me and we all agree that we are concerned about you.So its not just me that thinks you are very unwell.Your stupid hippy ways... .the photography and the guitar make people laugh at you.I have asked people not to communicate with you via any means as you clearly need time to get over me.They agreed to do so for me.So why dont you enjoy your stupid worthless life on your own."

What do I say to that?I have felt so isolated and alone throughout all of his illness and now he has not only disregarded all I did but he has met my replacement and is working on totally destroying the trust I have in others.

I could vomit when I think of how consumed I was in trying to care for him... .how I put him before everything... .family,friends,me.And for what?Seriously,if I had treated someone the way he treated me I could not sleep at night.But he wont even accept his wrongdoing!He blames me for everything... .the things that have happened that he totally twisted and even things that he has just made up in his head... .he cant even accept that he has lied.

No one around understand what I have gone through... .I cannot even explain the pain, the isolation,the panic attacks,the fear.And the worst part?I am still craving our old relationship.I still miss the old him.Seriously, there is something the matter with me.Why the hell do I still want things just to be OK?Why is everyone else that I know is normal relationships.And why is he able to totally disregard everything I did for him and move on without giving me a second thought?Am I worth so little?I swear I can barely function with all of this hurt... .yet he appears to have forgotten about me totally.Why did I put up with so much crap and still stay?It must be me... .there must be something wrong with me.NB.xx

[Changingman]

First of all, being with a pwBPD is so dangerous. They will affect your mental and emotional health. Before you even start to heal and lose the hurt you will have to sweat out the poison they have left in you, you feel something like them at the moment, anxiety, panic attacks, empty inside, lack of self, fluctuating emotions, raging, crying, self loathing, deep fear of abandonment... .the symptoms of BPD, now you feel it. When you have stopped being around their chaos you will slowly become terminally bored, all the buttons they pressed will shout for attention, slowly they will stop, you must accept them as your own and sooth them.

No drinking, drugs or desperate attempts to contact  ( validate these emotions ) them to feed the buttons.

Then you can build a better you without this toxic sludge stinking up everything you are and everything you have.

You need to be loving towards yourself, take care of yourself.

My uBPDxgf used to say 'I can't even look after myself'

This meant

You must look after me, I will ruin everything and you'll have to clear up

No more

Good luck, take some time, don't punish yourself, you've had enough of that already.

Self love to you

[zsazsa]

Awww NB,  you know I could have written your post.

I listened to this kind of stuff for a very long time,  the mind of a BPD is really twisted.

I recieved so many of the letters , emails, phone messages,  the major theme was always about how everything was my fault.

It was so important to me to step back, stop contact and begin to heal,  everything changingman said in the above post is true.

The further away I get from it , the more I can see how really twisted it all was.  You need rest, and time.

What he is saying to you is convoluted and just plain crap.

Going NC was the answer for me.  Take good care.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for those kind words .It sounds so silly but I spent way too long thinking if I "loved him enough" we could get past the BPD. In my defence I hadnt even heard of it before he was diagnosed.And now... .well you summed up so well how I am feeling.And I should not feel that it is in someway my fault... .when I read about BPD I see that he ticks ALL the boxes.But even knowing he is ill and knowing about the disorder does not seem to be helping me accept that I became involved in something that I could not control.Even his therapist has been annoyed at him at times because he is so "entrenched" in his thinking.My therapist helps me a lot but I am just feeling flooded with so many negative emotions and such an unhappiness that seems to engulf my whole body.I have been diagnosed with PTSD and reactive depression.He really has ruined my life.I do not know who to trust and I feel angry that people cannot see my pain and even those who do do not take it seriously because he puts on a front to everyone else.Awful.x

[heartandwhole]

Nearlybroken,

I'm so sorry about that letter.  That was very difficult to read.  It's all about him, what he needs, what he wants – basically that he'd like to have you around for sex and nothing else.  Ouch.  I would feel really hurt, too.  

What do I say to that?

Nothing.  Anything you say will just add fuel to this blaze.

I could vomit when I think of how consumed I was in trying to care for him... .how I put him before everything... .family,friends,me.And for what?Seriously,if I had treated someone the way he treated me I could not sleep at night.But he wont even accept his wrongdoing!He blames me for everything... .the things that have happened that he totally twisted and even things that he has just made up in his head... .he cant even accept that he has lied.

Yes.  I'm afraid this is the disorder, wreaking havoc on you.  It's terrible for him, too.  But disorder or no, he is still responsible for his actions.  Can you have a relationship where you are the only one responsible?

No one around understand what I have gone through... .I cannot even explain the pain, the isolation,the panic attacks,the fear.And the worst part?I am still craving our old relationship.I still miss the old him.Seriously, there is something the matter with me.Why the hell do I still want things just to be OK?Why is everyone else that I know is normal relationships.And why is he able to totally disregard everything I did for him and move on without giving me a second thought?Am I worth so little?I swear I can barely function with all of this hurt... .yet he appears to have forgotten about me totally.Why did I put up with so much crap and still stay?It must be me... .there must be something wrong with me.NB.xx

Nearly, it sounds like you are internalizing the rejection and feeling worthless and damaged.  It feels awful, I've been there, and I'm sure everyone on this board can relate.  It's actually a very normal stage of grieving the loss of the relationship.  It dredges up all our wounds from the past with it, though, and that is where it gets very challenging.  Fortunately, we can choose to fight to reclaim ourselves, and with support, come out better than ever on the other side.

Keep posting and listening to what's going on inside of you.  That is the only thing that matters now.  We're here for you.  

heart

[Changingman]

Dear NB,

Quote:

"there must be something wrong with me.NB.xx"

There is! you became intimate with BPD a serious mental illness... .

You are not with them now so it will pass.

Take Care

xxx

[Jonie]

Ai Nearlybroken, what a terrible, terrible letter! You must be so devastated!

I can so relate to how you feel – as will most people on this board: so many of us have received letters just like yours – I did too, after having been silenced to death for 8 months.

That goes to show that you don’t have to take this personally. When I took a clear look at the things my now-expwBPD accused me of, it was almost funny: in most cases the very opposite of the truth about me, whereas it was about things he was guilty of.
Well, you probably know how it works, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. Especially, like you say, because it is so difficult to explain to others, friends and family, that people with BPD live in another world. I showed his letter to one of my best friends who knows what has been going on, and even she tried to make sense of this letter. People do want to understand, but the key to understanding BPD-behavious is that it is irrational, illogical. That’s what makes it so hard to explain.

Please don’t think there is something wrong with you! You’ve just been loving, caring, loyal, human! It may be that there you have some vulnerable spot that kept you from leaving him earlier – but: who doesn’t? Most people have some scars, bruises and even wounds from former experiences in life, that’s only natural. So don’t focus on why you stayed and still long to be with him, but on how you can avoid being even more devastated.

For me, in fact, the letter I got helped me to realise how much my expwBPD is entangled in his delusions. Delusions, per definition, can’t be changed or corrected. It’s futile to try. I know that this is how he thinks of me, and he will never change these ideas, no matter what anyone will tell him, and no matter how much proof for the contrary. I just had to let it go, no other option... .

My guess is that if you make a table with all the accusations in the first column, then mark what is applicable to you in the second and what is applicable to him in the third, you’ll get an interesting picture. It will not take away any of the pain (I’m still there myself), but it will give you something to hold on to in case you start doubting yourself.

Hang in there, and please keep us posted  

[Surnia]

Nearlybroken

A big big 

I would feel bad too. And I would get very angry.

In the same time the letter tells a lot about him.

but I am now with someone who is just like me

What to do after the first shock? Perhaps its time to reframe your thoughts about yourself. Don't take his nasty view. Don't take it in. Be proud who you are.

[patientandclear]

NB -- at a distance, which we have the luxury of & you don't, that letter is something we could collectively write from scratch as a complete sampler of typical BPD thinking.

The new woman is sweet and understanding, and "just like him."  He is mirroring her still.  Of course she's "just like him."  You realize that won't continue to be how he sees it (nor is it objectively true now), right?

You tried to change him into something he isn't.  You felt he had problems, and wanted him to do something about them for the benefit of  your r/s as well as for his benefit.  I'm guessing this is true, right?  Once you realized the harm he was inflicting on your r/s and the self-sabotage involved, you wanted him to deal with those issues?  So he is not wrong in feeling that you wouldn't accept him as he was.  This has been a hard piece in my own healing from my BPD r/s -- the knowledge that my ex rejects me in part because I wanted him to try to understand his intimacy issues as a condition of getting back together.  That's at war with his, and you guy's very strong impulse to believe that there is nothing wrong with them.  At this point, it's a win/lose situation for him -- if you're right, there IS something wrong with him, and that's intolerable.  Therefore, that leaves one possible conclusion: there is something very wrong with you, that you think there is something wrong with him.

I have only very lightly ever touched on my sense that my ex is afraid to trust love and afraid of closeness.  Let alone the attachment disorder aspect of the whole thing.  Even my very light touch in these areas has led him to feel from time to time that I want to control him, I have a hidden agenda to change or save him.  He does not wish to be changed.

They recruit friends and therapists to their side of the story, but that doesn't mean those people really believe what is being reported, at least not for long.  Typically that sort of thing airs itself out in due course with friends.  With the therapist -- you have no idea what the truth is of what the T told him or what the T thinks.  I know how painful it is to have an abusive partner's T come to conclusions about you that are 180 degrees from your truth, though. During my divorce (not from the BPD man I'm on these boards about), I got to listen to my H's therapist opine that I was a narcissist and used him to further my own grandiose visions of my importance, even though I practically ceased to exist in that r/s I was so organized around my H's happiness, success and fulfillment.  This is where you have to believe firmly in your own truth.

I'm not sure, though, why you think he's forgotten you.  The guy took the time to write all that -- he's practically obsessed with you.  Sure, it's not the kind of attention you want!  But he has not forgotten you.  If the new woman (assuming there is one) thinks she is the primary object of his attention right now, she's wrong.

[Jonie]

One more thing: if he's denying or belittling about what you had together, it doesn't mean that's the truth. It may be true that he thought of you as someone to satisfy his needs, but it may also be that he really loved you (in his way) and that this is just his way of coping with his loss.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Nearlybroken,

Like EVERYONE on here, you are feeling the sting of the pwBPD.  It's selfish and it's nothing about you, really.  

You read the letter because you still care.  And you are curious if he has come around.  

And your feelings of still wanting to be in the relationship are normal, not pathological.  There most certainly is that aspect of being with a pwPBD that calls to that place of care and concern.  It's at its base a normal human behavior to take care and want to be with that person.   In return you expect the same care and concern, but it doesn't come.  And that hurts!

For myself, I even miss the drama.  It's an addictive thing having all the adrenaline and the other hormones rise up to make you feel.  Feel anything at all.  When they are not causing trauma, if you are like me, you feel numb and unfeeling.  Because the normal world just doesn't get you going quite like being with a pwBPD.  Now that it's not around, your feelings are just not as strong about anything.  And that can be distressing because it feels like depression.  

Your ex is pushing you to reengage.  And that is what you should avoid at all costs.  As awful as the letter is, and it is a MOST disgusting mean-spirited, cruel communication, it's NOT about you really.  It just another attempt to keep you around in some way.  

I have gotten similar types of communication from the expwBPD, including a series of text this morning at 2:00 am.  :)evaluing and projective without doubt.  I read them carefully.  I feel the pain and loss of our relationship.  YetI also feel empathy for my ex who is suffering from a broken relationship early in her youth.   It's so empowering to not respond to it because I do not, under any circumstances, want to get back with her.  I take advantage of every communication that she sends me knowing that her illness is hurting her and she is striking out at me.  It helps me grieve faster than any other way I can think of.  I can get angry and sad and every communication sent is less painful until all that I have emotionally is empathy for this unfortunate soul.

If I can use a bad baseball analogy, he is throwing a low curveball.  You are not going to swing at such a lousy pitch and the count is 3-2.   When the ump calls the ball, then WALK to your freedom!   You still need help getting home and that's we are for and what your therapist is for.  

Stay true to your goal of freedom.  The real feelings of care and concern and love will come as you fill your life with people and activities that make YOU happy!   Grow!

So, feel your loss.  Grieve.  Be angry if that helps with maintaining NC or LC.   Take measure of your success in keeping the contact to as little as possible and not giving in to the drama!

You have more strength than you know!  Use your care and love for YOURSELF. 

We are here with you.  Be well.

D

So, there have been a few days of "typical BPD" behaviour which I will not detail save to say we have all been through similar.He turned up again at our house with the dogs and proceeded to reel off his usual crap avout how everything was my fault.Typical made up stories and utter distortions of the truth.I didn't respond as there was no point.Of course, because I did not respond he was right.If I had responded I would have "proved" his point that I am argumentative so he would have been "right".Lose-lose.He later put a letter through the door.Which I made the stupid mistake of reading.In summary:

NB... .I am forced to adopt your tactics in communication now (I presume this refers to the fact that I wrote him numerous love letters and notes) in order to get my point across because you do not listen to a word I say.I think it may be a mental health issue with you but the people I talked to told me I had to be kind to you given you clear problems.You have caused all of this with your stupid explanations and your pathetic attempts to keep us together.I would have been OK if you had not tried to help me... .dragging me to the doctor and making me have therapy when you know I hate communication.I am happy when you are not around.I have met someone and she is nice and carefree.I am going to be with her and together we will try and get me over you.You put the wrong interpretation on everything I say and my therapist says you project onto me then you stand by and watch my pain.She says you are a perpetrator of domestic abuse.I would like to have sex with you still as I think it was the one area where you actually put in the effort to meet my needs but we cant do this as when I start seeing someone else you will become upset.You ruined everything with your stupid attitudes and total failure to love me in the way I wanted to be loved.You will have to live with this but I am just going to get over what you have done .You tried to make me something I am not but I am now with someone who is just like me.Your friends have spoken to me and we all agree that we are concerned about you.So its not just me that thinks you are very unwell.Your stupid hippy ways... .the photography and the guitar make people laugh at you.I have asked people not to communicate with you via any means as you clearly need time to get over me.They agreed to do so for me.So why dont you enjoy your stupid worthless life on your own."

What do I say to that?I have felt so isolated and alone throughout all of his illness and now he has not only disregarded all I did but he has met my replacement and is working on totally destroying the trust I have in others.

I could vomit when I think of how consumed I was in trying to care for him... .how I put him before everything... .family,friends,me.And for what?Seriously,if I had treated someone the way he treated me I could not sleep at night.But he wont even accept his wrongdoing!He blames me for everything... .the things that have happened that he totally twisted and even things that he has just made up in his head... .he cant even accept that he has lied.

No one around understand what I have gone through... .I cannot even explain the pain, the isolation,the panic attacks,the fear.And the worst part?I am still craving our old relationship.I still miss the old him.Seriously, there is something the matter with me.Why the hell do I still want things just to be OK?Why is everyone else that I know is normal relationships.And why is he able to totally disregard everything I did for him and move on without giving me a second thought?Am I worth so little?I swear I can barely function with all of this hurt... .yet he appears to have forgotten about me totally.Why did I put up with so much crap and still stay?It must be me... .there must be something wrong with me.NB.xx

[TakingWingAtLast]

Exactly!  Well said!

I'm not sure, though, why you think he's forgotten you.  The guy took the time to write all that -- he's practically obsessed with you.  Sure, it's not the kind of attention you want!  But he has not forgotten you.  If the new woman (assuming there is one) thinks she is the primary object of his attention right now, she's wrong.

[necchi]

So, there have been a few days of "typical BPD" behaviour which I will not detail save to say we have all been through similar.He turned up again at our house with the dogs and proceeded to reel off his usual crap avout how everything was my fault.Typical made up stories and utter distortions of the truth.I didn't respond as there was no point.Of course, because I did not respond he was right.If I had responded I would have "proved" his point that I am argumentative so he would have been "right".Lose-lose.He later put a letter through the door.Which I made the stupid mistake of reading.In summary:

NB... .I am forced to adopt your tactics in communication now (I presume this refers to the fact that I wrote him numerous love letters and notes) in order to get my point across because you do not listen to a word I say.I think it may be a mental health issue with you but the people I talked to told me I had to be kind to you given you clear problems.You have caused all of this with your stupid explanations and your pathetic attempts to keep us together.I would have been OK if you had not tried to help me... .dragging me to the doctor and making me have therapy when you know I hate communication.I am happy when you are not around.I have met someone and she is nice and carefree.I am going to be with her and together we will try and get me over you.You put the wrong interpretation on everything I say and my therapist says you project onto me then you stand by and watch my pain.She says you are a perpetrator of domestic abuse.I would like to have sex with you still as I think it was the one area where you actually put in the effort to meet my needs but we cant do this as when I start seeing someone else you will become upset.You ruined everything with your stupid attitudes and total failure to love me in the way I wanted to be loved.You will have to live with this but I am just going to get over what you have done .You tried to make me something I am not but I am now with someone who is just like me.Your friends have spoken to me and we all agree that we are concerned about you.So its not just me that thinks you are very unwell.Your stupid hippy ways... .the photography and the guitar make people laugh at you.I have asked people not to communicate with you via any means as you clearly need time to get over me.They agreed to do so for me.So why dont you enjoy your stupid worthless life on your own."

What do I say to that?I have felt so isolated and alone throughout all of his illness and now he has not only disregarded all I did but he has met my replacement and is working on totally destroying the trust I have in others.

I could vomit when I think of how consumed I was in trying to care for him... .how I put him before everything... .family,friends,me.And for what?Seriously,if I had treated someone the way he treated me I could not sleep at night.But he wont even accept his wrongdoing!He blames me for everything... .the things that have happened that he totally twisted and even things that he has just made up in his head... .he cant even accept that he has lied.

No one around understand what I have gone through... .I cannot even explain the pain, the isolation,the panic attacks,the fear.And the worst part?I am still craving our old relationship.I still miss the old him.Seriously, there is something the matter with me.Why the hell do I still want things just to be OK?Why is everyone else that I know is normal relationships.And why is he able to totally disregard everything I did for him and move on without giving me a second thought?Am I worth so little?I swear I can barely function with all of this hurt... .yet he appears to have forgotten about me totally.Why did I put up with so much crap and still stay?It must be me... .there must be something wrong with me.NB.xx

i have been There ,kind of in it, and Will probably be there again soon... .

he knows you,... . your weakness,what you want from life, intimacy,and closure. He sure using all your weakness against you and will not change over is behaviours.it is hard to accept and just move on after all this ,he is suffering,cant manage it and a way to soothe the pain is you in any way... .ei: you being there for I'm, hurting you,manipulating.

it hard to disconnect,looking forward. Even though I'm not there yet, i can say that i made progress and my " soul" isn't hurting has much, I'm coming out of the fog(the fog has been here for over 4 years)and even if many,many time i tried to tell myself it was time to move on and detach,it took me many come back ( recycles) and many denials towards myself. Take your time, its your story. No one can make you move on and whe all know how it is. We can guide you, give you wisdom, but at the end we got this wisdom from being in the same shoes you are wearing, not the same color but the exact same models.

I'm still trying to cope sometime and i still cling to the whole idea that i lost time,efforts an feathers on my wings (not a believer,this is a metaphor)

reach out and "touch someone" you are on the right board... .I'm here,understand and since I'm not alone here it makes the support more effective and validating xx

[Discovery]

Nearlybroken, people who say things like were said in that letter are people who are hurt, broken, messed up and in denial. Healthy people have no need to say mean and unkind things like were said. We might have feelings and grievances but there are mature and immature ways to communicate these things. People who treat others badly are people who are really hurting INSIDE -- and they take it out on others. Don't for a moment believe he is feeling "great", is "happy" or that things are REALLY ok inside him. Attacking others and making others feel bad is a way of protecting oneself, and not having to face painful feelings inside. It's emotional bullying. Bullies mistreat others because inside they are insecure and in pain.

I think we all would like to be in partnership with good people we respect. Can you respect this person? In your head, I'm sure the answer is clear. The heart is more complicated, because you had an emotional attachment to this person, and it will take time for you to detach from that - there is a chemical bonding between the two of you that has to work itself out of your body... .and it takes time. You don't want them and their horrible treatment, but you're still "addicted" to the highs and bonding. I'm 2 months out, and I've found that part has become much better.

It totally sucks to know someone has treated you outrageously and YET still WANT them. It does feel very CRAZY, and it's horrible to feel so out of control of your emotions. I think most of us have been there (or are still there).

Also realize that if he's putting energy into this letter and other communications, he is NOT detached from you either.

Bottomless and hopeless as it feels right now, everything you are experiencing is normal for what you are going through. ALL OF IT. Negative emotions, feeling awful in your body, PSTD, reactive depression. You are in a state of emotional trauma and shock. You do need support and to be really kind and gentle to yourself, doing whatever tiny little things can bring you even the slightest feelings of comfort.

I hope you can come to these boards and find you are not alone in what you are experiencing.