mirroring long after a break up...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Right i have been 8 months out... .feeling good. My ex unblocked me on social media a few weeks ago, and i've refrained from snooping. Anyway I have had a snoop... .

I feel I am being mirrored. Things she used to hate about me ie. My political views, she now seems to have. She hated the way i had opinions and beliefs and stuck up for these, she now seems to have the same, and is posting loads of public statuses about these. Replacement looks gone... .When we spoke upon the unblock i got a load of projection... .

I don't think she wants to reengage at all, and thats ok, I'm working on myself... .But this is a question out of interest... .

Whats the post relationship mirroring about? Is it to "punish me for what i have lost"?

[Undone123]

Right i have been 8 months out... .feeling good. My ex unblocked me on social media a few weeks ago, and i've refrained from snooping. Anyway I have had a snoop... .

I feel I am being mirrored. Things she used to hate about me ie. My political views, she now seems to have. She hated the way i had opinions and beliefs and stuck up for these, she now seems to have the same, and is posting loads of public statuses about these. Replacement looks gone... .When we spoke upon the unblock i got a load of projection... .

I don't think she wants to reengage at all, and thats ok, I'm working on myself... .But this is a question out of interest... .

Whats the post relationship mirroring about? Is it to "punish me for what i have lost"?

[lipstick]

Hi undone,

I don't think it's to "punish" you per se.  I think it's a very timid, cowardly way of trying to coax YOU into re-engaging. My BPDex has been doing something similar since July of this year. Posting crap on his FB Timeline aimed specifically at me and posting this junk on significant dates (ex: my birthday).

Now he's officially "following" me on FB, yet doesn't try to interact. They are such cowards. And no, I will not be contacting him.

And congrats on being 8 months out! Well done!

[Undone123]

I don't know... .My ex had an affair with a married man, who had kids. This was a previous boyfriend and she confessed to me,

"It was to show him what he could have had"

I think my ex my be a bit ASPD as well... .

[lipstick]

I don't believe anything that comes out of their mouths, personally. "To show him what he could have had!". Seriously?  All she is showing you is YOU. She has no core - no true sense of self - so she has to gather bits and pieces from all of her previous interactions.

I'll stick with my opinion on this - she's trying to get you to engage. Don't do it. It will only hurt. Trust me on this.

[Surnia]

undone

My guess is that now with the distance of 8 month you are painted more toward white and therefore she can mirror you. This has nothing to do with yourself.

[Undone123]

Well i shall just accept it for what it is

[lipstick]

undone,

That is the best attitude to have. Because unless a person with BPD is willing to put in the necessary work to try and overcome the disorder - the result will always be "It is what it is".   And it sux.  We can only try and accept that the disorder always wins and choose a better path for ourselves.

[Changingman]

how about... .

She is trying to look normal, you are reference material, she has put it forward as her false front. Normalicy mask.

How about... .

I'm trying the lure him back

How about... .

What are you talking about I've ALWAYS felt like that

How about... .

In her mind it's like The sound of a piano falling down a long flight of stairs

Plink plonk crunch plink etc

How about... .

Plain old BPD doing its thing

You know the rules, here you are, sucked at... .next an innocent text, then... .then

BOOM

you're done, next

[Changingman]

Mine still has the picture of our dog she abandoned to be put to sleep on her Facebook, she is still lying to everyone. Everyone. I'll bet her mum and dad don't even know we have broke up

Amazing

[Undone123]

ok i've thought about it, and i want to reach out... .what to do?

[starshine]

ok i've thought about it, and i want to reach out... .what to do?

I know that urge.  Do anything else... .this too will pass.  Exercise, get a massage, watch a movie.  Post more on this site.  Write her a letter that you will never send.  Stay with yourself until you pass through this moment of wanting to reach out.  Of course, if you're feeling a little masochistic, go for it.  Put your self through hell.  We will be here for you when you're done.   

[Undone123]

ok i've thought about it, and i want to reach out... .what to do?

I know that urge.  Do anything else... .this too will pass.  Exercise, get a massage, watch a movie.  Post more on this site.  Write her a letter that you will never send.  Stay with yourself until you pass through this moment of wanting to reach out.  Of course, if you're feeling a little masochistic, go for it.  Put your self through hell.  We will be here for you when you're done.   

haha you are so right... .every time i have reached out hell. I can only compare this feeling to a cigarette craving... .it is exactly what it feels like!

[fromheeltoheal]

I can only compare this feeling to a cigarette craving... .it is exactly what it feels like!

Yes.  A relationship with a borderline is much more like an addiction than a heathy, sustainable partnership based on love and commitment, which is a little boring by comparison, but reliable.  And we're as much a part of the addiction as they are, complicit in the fantasy.

I don't assign a lot of maliciousness or deviousness to the goings-on now though.  It is probably as simple as she's out of a relationship, she's not doing well, she's looking for external sources to soothe since she can't do it herself, 5 minutes ago is ancient history in a borderline's emotional world, so you showed up on her radar.  And remember a borderline mirrors the good they see in someone, to affect the attachment yes, but to them they are assimilating the good they see in you to counteract the bad they see in themselves, they are creating one 'self' out of the two of you, since there's isn't fully formed.

Bottom line it's not about you, simply because it takes all the emotional energy a borderline has to just deal with their own sht, and they don't have any extra to give.  BTW, the good she sees in you and mirrors back to you was very attractive once to you because it was YOU, you fell in love with your good, which is awesome actually, unless the version you fall for is a reflection by someone with a serious mental illness.  So it's attractive to you again; go there at your peril as echoed repeatedly here, and we'll be here regardless.  Take care of you!

[Undone123]

I can only compare this feeling to a cigarette craving... .it is exactly what it feels like!

Yes.  A relationship with a borderline is much more like an addiction than a heathy, sustainable partnership based on love and commitment, which is a little boring by comparison, but reliable.  And we're as much a part of the addiction as they are, complicit in the fantasy.

I don't assign a lot of maliciousness or deviousness to the goings-on now though.  It is probably as simple as she's out of a relationship, she's not doing well, she's looking for external sources to soothe since she can't do it herself, 5 minutes ago is ancient history in a borderline's emotional world, so you showed up on her radar.  And remember a borderline mirrors the good they see in someone, to affect the attachment yes, but to them they are assimilating the good they see in you to counteract the bad they see in themselves, they are creating one 'self' out of the two of you, since there's isn't fully formed.

Bottom line it's not about you, simply because it takes all the emotional energy a borderline has to just deal with their own sht, and they don't have any extra to give.  BTW, the good she sees in you and mirrors back to you was very attractive once to you because it was YOU, you fell in love with your good, which is awesome actually, unless the version you fall for is a reflection by someone with a serious mental illness.  So it's attractive to you again; go there at your peril as echoed repeatedly here, and we'll be here regardless.  Take care of you!

I've never truly wanted our relationship to be over... .i've changed myself a lot. Taken up mindfulness, buddhism, and sorted out my own family dysfunction. I have become more aware of myself, and I still want her... .

Every time I have reached out I have been met with huge projection and i believe that to be because I was once intimate with her, and also my messages where emotional... .

I may reach out, but i wont do it on impulse. I want her to reach out to me, but as she is increadibly narcissistic I think the mirroring maybe all I get... .I;ll meditate on it all, and may reach out in a few days

[Undone123]

I'm not going to reach out... .It is me being delluded!

I must say to any of you nons who are stuck, taking up buddhism has been the biggest help... .If it was not for this i would not have asked the question "undone are you being delluded?"

She's mentally ill. She doesn't love me. She never did. When I have reached out before I have been abused more. I am responsible for allowing this. I am responsible for stopping it... .I've changed ME because I want to. She will only change if she WANTS to. Label or no label, you can not go back without change, and all the evidence suggests she hasn't changed a dime!

[Learning_curve74]

I think some of the Buddhist philosophies can really be helpful in healing from a BPD relationship. One is listed in the sidebar to the right though I'd phrase it "Attachment leads to suffering, nonattachment less to freedom". This is not to say that we shouldn't have hopes and dreams for the future, simply that when we program ourselves to accept only one outcome, we will often be disappointed.

Also the act of mindfulness and living in the now can really help. To understand that the future is uncertain so let's appreciate today for whatever it is can be very powerful if you put yourself into this mindset. Once again this is not abandoning our dreams and plans but simply acknowledging that today and who we are today is reality and to be ok that we are on a path which is good enough for now.

Four noble truths from Buddhism:

1. Life is difficult.

2. Life is difficult due to attachment; the ways we want satisfaction actually cause dissatisfaction.

3. Being at peace and feeling fulfilled is possible for everybody.

4. Being compassionate, virtuous, wise, and mindful are the ways to being at peace and being fulfilled.

Do you think putting your thoughts and actions in line with these concepts is useful? Are you following these?

[bruisedbattered]

The only thing I miss now is the wild sex we use to have... .but no amount of wild sex is worth the emotional hell that follows in its wake!   The other ways of pleasing oneself, and much less taxing!

[Undone123]

I think some of the Buddhist philosophies can really be helpful in healing from a BPD relationship. One is listed in the sidebar to the right though I'd phrase it "Attachment leads to suffering, nonattachment less to freedom". This is not to say that we shouldn't have hopes and dreams for the future, simply that when we program ourselves to accept only one outcome, we will often be disappointed.

Also the act of mindfulness and living in the now can really help. To understand that the future is uncertain so let's appreciate today for whatever it is can be very powerful if you put yourself into this mindset. Once again this is not abandoning our dreams and plans but simply acknowledging that today and who we are today is reality and to be ok that we are on a path which is good enough for now.

Four noble truths from Buddhism:

1. Life is difficult.

2. Life is difficult due to attachment; the ways we want satisfaction actually cause dissatisfaction.

3. Being at peace and feeling fulfilled is possible for everybody.

4. Being compassionate, virtuous, wise, and mindful are the ways to being at peace and being fulfilled.

Do you think putting your thoughts and actions in line with these concepts is useful? Are you following these?

I am 100% following these - radical acceptence through a curve ball though! Could I radically accept her... .I will debate that if she ever makes contact, but I will do my best not to let it cloud my thoughts now, stay in the present and practise loving kindness

[seeking balance]

I think some of the Buddhist philosophies can really be helpful in healing from a BPD relationship. One is listed in the sidebar to the right though I'd phrase it "Attachment leads to suffering, nonattachment less to freedom". This is not to say that we shouldn't have hopes and dreams for the future, simply that when we program ourselves to accept only one outcome, we will often be disappointed.

Also the act of mindfulness and living in the now can really help. To understand that the future is uncertain so let's appreciate today for whatever it is can be very powerful if you put yourself into this mindset. Once again this is not abandoning our dreams and plans but simply acknowledging that today and who we are today is reality and to be ok that we are on a path which is good enough for now.

Four noble truths from Buddhism:

1. Life is difficult.

2. Life is difficult due to attachment; the ways we want satisfaction actually cause dissatisfaction.

3. Being at peace and feeling fulfilled is possible for everybody.

4. Being compassionate, virtuous, wise, and mindful are the ways to being at peace and being fulfilled.

Do you think putting your thoughts and actions in line with these concepts is useful? Are you following these?

I am 100% following these - radical acceptence through a curve ball though! Could I radically accept her... .I will debate that if she ever makes contact, but I will do my best not to let it cloud my thoughts now, stay in the present and practise loving kindness

As I read this thread I was curious to see where it would lead... .kudos to you for using your new found tools in your toolbelt!

Once WE know better, we can do better; you demonstrated a Wise Mind ruling the emotional mind.

[Johan]

I'd disagree sometimes on here and this is one,

sometimes I seen my ex reply to people about things I told her

politics/ foreign policies/ football players/leaders... .


I don't think she was trying to snatch me back... .I feel she learned that from me, and not that his part of who she is... .  and will build her 'self' with the next person and add to it...

[DragoN]

I think some of the Buddhist philosophies can really be helpful in healing from a BPD relationship. One is listed in the sidebar to the right though I'd phrase it "Attachment leads to suffering, nonattachment less to freedom". This is not to say that we shouldn't have hopes and dreams for the future, simply that when we program ourselves to accept only one outcome, we will often be disappointed.

Also the act of mindfulness and living in the now can really help. To understand that the future is uncertain so let's appreciate today for whatever it is can be very powerful if you put yourself into this mindset. Once again this is not abandoning our dreams and plans but simply acknowledging that today and who we are today is reality and to be ok that we are on a path which is good enough for now.

Four noble truths from Buddhism:

1. Life is difficult.

2. Life is difficult due to attachment; the ways we want satisfaction actually cause dissatisfaction.

3. Being at peace and feeling fulfilled is possible for everybody.

4. Being compassionate, virtuous, wise, and mindful are the ways to being at peace and being fulfilled.

Do you think putting your thoughts and actions in line with these concepts is useful? Are you following these?

For the most part.

I'd disagree sometimes on here and this is one,

sometimes I seen my ex reply to people about things I told her

politics/ foreign policies/ football players/leaders... .


I don't think she was trying to snatch me back... .I feel she learned that from me, and not that his part of who she is... . and will build her 'self' with the next person and add to it...

Reads like you had/ have a covert narc on your hands. Same thing happened/ing here. Word for word my emails to him popped up elsewhere. Was really something, then I called him out on it. He stopped. Spends more time rewording the information while misunderstanding it. Dead give away. Popped up today as a projection.

He's a hurting unit or something unique. Feeds on the validation of multiple boards with copious characters. And I am his Kryptonite in more ways than one.  Either way, he will step into his own trap or be deep sixed. Self fulfilling prophecy in action.

[Johan]

I'd disagree sometimes on here and this is one,

sometimes I seen my ex reply to people about things I told her

politics/ foreign policies/ football players/leaders... .


I don't think she was trying to snatch me back... .I feel she learned that from me, and not that his part of who she is... . and will build her 'self' with the next person and add to it...

Reads like you had/ have a covert narc on your hands. Same thing happened/ing here. Word for word my emails to him popped up elsewhere. Was really something, then I called him out on it. He stopped. Spends more time rewording the information while misunderstanding it. Dead give away. Popped up today as a projection.

He's a hurting unit or something unique. Feeds on the validation of multiple boards with copious characters. And I am his Kryptonite in more ways than one.  Either way, he will step into his own trap or be deep sixed. Self fulfilling prophecy in action.[/quote]
really? i'm not sure whats what... .is that what it is?  I watched her reply on something i was passionate about... the topic isn't very widespread in my country... .however it did effect her but she never knew about it, and i was a member... .but her typing was very proper and large words, really as if she knew what she was talking about... .but in last many lines her text got less so dramatic and started to get texting kind of speak... .it was le she started off proper but she came out in end... if you get me?


Also I noticed she now talks to her new man with a personal thing about an athlete, which I joked about her... .she now has a small twist, but to her new man? Does that make sense? It hurts cos it was something i done when half asleep and she used to love saying it back to me, but now she has her twist on it... to the new man? No identity surely?

[starshine]

I'd disagree sometimes on here and this is one,

sometimes I seen my ex reply to people about things I told her

politics/ foreign policies/ football players/leaders... .


I don't think she was trying to snatch me back... .I feel she learned that from me, and not that his part of who she is... .  and will build her 'self' with the next person and add to it...

I

My ex is certainly using the facets he gained from me to make his diamond sparkle brighter- he is a dismal man, well spoken and handsome, so if he can plump up his turkey with juice he got from me, than the better off he is.  I don't think he wanted me back- he has not yet tried to recycle.  He went for fresh blood, and he's deep into #3 since me.  It's gross, since we share mutual contacts.  I want to warn people about him, but really, it's their karma at this point.  It's obvious he's a sham.