has anyone got this terrible feeling of emptiness after ending the relationship?

[Pearl55]

I feel devastated and so empty inside and I moved out today. I can't barely walk. If anyone has or had these feelings after ending with their BPD husbands or wives please tell me how long it did take? I'm out of energy!

[qwaszx]

I know I felt that way for about a month of so after she left... .but I think it depends on u as an individual, I don't think anyone can fully answer that question but time... .take care

[Slowlybutsurely]

Yes, i felt that way too. I won't say how long, because everyone is so different.

I struggled with the most deep, gnawing, clutching kind of emptiness I've ever experienced for a long time. It was hard hard hard work and time to finally get over it, but I did.

What helped: therapy, meditation, prayer, reading here, doing new things, meeting new people and working on all of my relationships, taking supplements (st johns wort, sam-e) for depression, time.

Hang in there. It does get better, eventually. 

[patientandclear]

I agree with SBS but want to emphasize that for some of us it takes a LOT longer than a month, or a few months.  Don't want anyone to feel it is hopeless when many months go by and that emptiness is still there.  Obviously you can deal with it with repression or some new addiction but these wounds are deep, often traumatic, and I think maybe they never actually completely heal.  But that doesn't mean you can't live a meaningful and happy life, after truly grieving, finding out how to accommodate the scar tissue, and taking the traumatic impact of all this seriously.

I have used some body-based trauma therapies that I'm finding deeply helpful in moving past that emptiness.  But you have to take the wounds seriously.

[Pearl55]

Thank you all. Problem is my son stays with his dad and I feel terrible about it, feeling of guilty is nearly killing me. I should be more aware of his conditions before. I can't fight for the custody because it won't go anywhere. And I don't live in my country, althogh I've been in the UK but still no family and is really hard.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I'd just like to add a few supplements in response to Slowlybuts' suggestions... .

Valerian capsules- excellent for calming the nerves before sleep, mainly to target the endless ruminations, restlessness etc... .from just exiting a BPD relationship.

Vitamin B complex and Magnesium- are good pick-me-up with the morning coffee, to get oneself started to go to work, head out for a jog, hit the gym, do gardening, clean up the house etc.

BTW, I myself just ended a 10 year ordeal with my uBPDgf less than a week ago.

So yeah... . 

I am fighting that monstrous Emptiness head-on also... .one minute, one hour, at a time.

Hang in there guys!

[Mutt]

I found it extremely hard after ex UBPD left. The hardest part was not seeing the kids daily and now it was resorted to every two weeks. My place felt silent, like life was missing. I sure missed the noise and the craziness from the kids. I missed going to bed and knowing that all of the kids were tucked in bed. That's what I missed the most. It sucks being dumped by someone that is mentally ill   but the break-up was something that was long overdue. I'll have the guts to pull the trigger the next time.

We have been separated for 10 months. I only now feel acceptance and I appreciate that I don't live with her anymore. I don't miss coming home to a land-mine every day not knowing what fire I will have to put out next. I give her close to $1000 in child support money and if it means she is out of my hair and I'm poor. I'm happy.

I used to hate hearing "it gets better" because I felt like I was walking around with open wounds that hurt all of the time. I thought that was a load of malaraky, but it's true... .it does.

I'm glad that I went through it. It's a part of healing. My core issues surfaced because of her and it was a blessing in disguise. Now I get to work on me.

Give yourself a break when you need it. Pace yourself. Get lots of rest. Talk to someone when you have the need to talk.

Most importantly. Hang in there.

[fromheeltoheal]

Short answer: it takes what it takes.

The things that worked best for me were getting the big three in order, diet, sleep and exercise, and focusing on the future, a future without her.  That may seem impossible at first, but it has a centering quality that will pull you forward, as long as you make that vision compelling and attractive.  

And then just ride it out.  The demise of any relationship and the subsequent detachment is painful, one with a borderline especially so, and I've found there are phases, depression, anger, denial, acceptance, whatever order they come up in, and lots of lessons along the way.  I also got physically ill for a while.  Sometimes it's just about hanging on and getting through the day, other days are very good, and still others I feel healed and wiser with a few more wrinkles.

It's been a little over a year for me, and the first 4 or 5 months were the worst.  Your mileage may vary, lots of variables.  Take care of you!

[Discovery]

Yes, I know that terrible feeling of emptiness. And complete loss of energy. Even loss of desire to be on the planet anymore. In the first weeks it accompanied me day and night, even in my dreams. It's now 2 months for me and I feel the ache of emptiness often still, very often. I have partial days where I feel sort of okay, and then the empty feeling returns and I slide into deep grief. It's wrenching and these feelings feel so unbearable. My heart just hurts and hurts. When I hear it gets better, when I read that people reach a place of being grateful this happened to them it feels so unreal and unattainable. But part of me hangs on and knows it must be possible, because others have travelled this same road. If it's any comfort, you have companions on this hard journey.

[Pearl55]

Although I did detached myself since 3 years ago but still is soo hard. I don't want to believe the man I loved who rubbed me blind and I almost lost everything plus how much I suffered emotionally all these years. How could I possibly trusted that man so much and after what he's done to me and my son still I feel so empty. I think the same, I don't want to be in this planet.who I can trust after this mess? I miss my son.

[Jonie]

I'm still in that swamp, so I can't tell you how long it will take - let's hope we will find out some day  

It's difficult to get past it as there has not yet been any closure. I'm trying to work up the courage to write him a Final Letter after the holidays and hope things will get better after that. But for the moment, life seems something that is going on without me. I try to keep going: work, regular meals, sleep (had to use sleeping pills to get over severe sleeping problems), have physical activities outdoors, meet friends, etc. Even if I don't feel like it. And sometimes I take a day to crash and do nothing - like today. .

Thanks for posting this - for me it's a great help to know there are others in this mess.  

[frustrated b/f]

It ebbs and flows. Just have to take life one day at a time.

[Ironmanrises]

I feel the emptiness too. Time doesn't heal anything in a relationship such as this. In a normal relationship where there is closure at the end, yes. There is no closure with a pwBPD. That is the difference. And a huge one at that. I was in far longer relationships prior to my exUBPDgf and I did not feel this god awful emptiness afterwards. Why? I knew that the relationship was over and there was a respectable attempt made by the other person that this was the best path for both. I did not get any of that from my exUBPDgf in either round. I was belittled, made fun of, yelled at, dismissed, and disrespected all at the same time.

[Pearl55]

I've left with no confidence, no self steem, no hope for future and I still feel sorry for him too. What a nightmare. I think we become attached to our good times together and sometimes we don't want to accept their real them. We are still in our fantasy.

[Jonie]

Ironmanfalls, I fear you're very right in saying that time doesn't heal anything in this case. For so many reasons relating to BPD, such as no closure. It will take some other and better experiences to overcome this. In my case, I think I could only get over it by having a normal, healthy, loving relationship. And what are the chances of finding that? Not being pessimistic here, just realistic.

[Pearl55]

Jonie,

I do completely agree with you. ONLY if we be in a normal and loving relationship but I think our trust issues are far deeper than we imagine!Are you able to trust a woman?

[Mr Mom...]

I've been out for over 2 months now, and I frequently still feel the debilitating emptiness and denial. Yesterday and today are particularly bad for me.

I feel torn. Torn between trying to patch things up with her (upwBPD exg/f) or should I forget that stupid idea and try to move on? Move on to what? I can't move on, don't want to. I want her. I want her back in my life... .but different than before, better. ... .it's no use, she's not going to change, so why bother trying? I should just move on... .and around and around I go... .

I've met other potential g/f's, I know I could move on if I wanted to - the opportunity is there, but I just can't do it right now.

I cried a lot. I could cry now. I feel like I want to.

The thing is... .our relationship could really work, if only she would see that. If only she could see that with a little work and with some hope and self realization, it COULD work!... .

I go to see my T. regularly and it helps, he's very good. He understands and supports me a lot.

But it still HURTS.

I'm reading the book 'The journey from abandonment to healing' (recommended from this site) and I find it a great help. It helps me to understand where my feelings are coming from and why I feel this way still. It helps me to feel better about my feelings... .but it still hurts.

I go to Yoga too, and that helps. Also calm relaxing music, like Zen music, Buddha meditation music, peaceful music. Sometimes I put on headphones, play this music and go do something mind-numbing like work in the garden or repaint my bathroom doors or go for a long hike. I went hiking a few weeks ago in the pouring rain and halfway up the hill I stopped, sat down on a rock and just bawled my eyes out. I'm in my mid 40's and I cry like a baby sometimes.

I miss her so much. But I don't miss the dismissive behaviours, the raging, the ignoring me, the cunning manipulations tricking me into being the 'bad' person... .but I miss her and it hurts.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ironmanfalls, I fear you're very right in saying that time doesn't heal anything in this case. For so many reasons relating to BPD, such as no closure. It will take some other and better experiences to overcome this. In my case, I think I could only get over it by having a normal, healthy, loving relationship. And what are the chances of finding that? Not being pessimistic here, just realistic.

I agree, time in itself doesn't heal anything.  And with time and education about the disorder I now see my borderline as a sick person and not a bad one, and one I was never compatible with.  Regardless of the reason, she acted like a moody teenage girl, and in fact considered her moody teenage daughter her 'best friend', and she was very clueless about the world, not surprising when it took everything she had to keep the lid on the disorder.

Yet I ignored all of that and let her in through all my boundaries, as non-existent as they were.  And the gift of a borderline is they shine a spotlight on all the areas that still need work, show us in glaring, loud detail how we've felt about ourselves since childhood, and test how well we've got our 'self' together.  What an opportunity!  My priorities have all changed, and I have clear direction, for the first time in a long time.

And with time I've realized that all the attacks were not personal, they were just attempts for her to keep her head above water and try and be in control in the relationship; I represented 'our' good half and her 'our' bad half, and if I prevailed in her imaginary power struggle she'd be left with the bad, confirmation she is as worthless as she thinks she is.

So thanks for the feedback sunshine, sucks to be you, gotta go.  It's been a little over a year for me, I've done the rage, the depression, the physical sickness, the lethagy, and I've climbed out of all that, as I said, with completely new priorities and a clear sense of direction.  A normal, healthy, loving relationship is in our futures, and sure, I'm taking a few more wrinkles into mine, but it takes what it takes.

[Pearl55]

Mr Mom

I think this is our childhood issues that we can't move on from somebody who's destructive to us probably is nothing to do with them. We share some charectrestis with them too!

[Mr Mom...]

Hi Pearl55,

Absolutely. Childhood issues, no doubt.

None of my "parents" ( ) were 'emotionally available' to either me or my brother. Don't mean to be harsh on them, they were none the wiser I'm sure, but if you're gonna be a parent, then do the right thing at least... .take responsibility and learn to be a parent.

So, yes... .

At least - Neither me or my brother are passing down the same dysfunctions to our children and that, to me is the most important thing in the world.

Not trying to say I'm a model parent or anything, but I'm dammed sure doing a far better job than my parents did for me... .

[crookedeuphoria]

I have been out for 5 weeks and 3 days. Today is day 5 of no contact. It feels like it's getting worse. Destruction with him and bleakness without him. I cannot fathom living with this awful, empty ache for years.

I miss laughing. I miss him but more than that I miss me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have been out for 5 weeks and 3 days. Today is day 5 of no contact. It feels like it's getting worse. Destruction with him and bleakness without him. I cannot fathom living with this awful, empty ache for years.

I miss laughing. I miss him but more than that I miss me.

I'm sorry you're feeling that, I have definitely been there, and the good news is it's temporary.  5 weeks out and 5 days NC is very early, and what you feel right now will not last.  Try focusing on a future without him and make it big and bright, maybe difficult right now but do it anyway; that will help you focus and stay centered as you detach and heal.  And the good news is you say that you miss you; here's an opportunity, as you use the pain as motivation, to dig deep and discover things about yourself you didn't know were there.  You just might find the new, evolved you immersed in a bright future you didn't know was possible, and look back at him as beneficial and necessary in your growth.

You may not want to hear that right now and don't consider it helping, but trust us it's true.  Remember the big three, diet, sleep and exercise, and try to get those in order through the holidays, and take care of you!

[Mr Mom...]

I hear you, Cookedupeuphoria... .loud and clear.

Did you try reading that book 'The journey from abandonment to healing'? I found it was a big help. Maybe it will help you to find 'you' again?

[crookedeuphoria]

Mr Mom- I've been reading escapism fiction lately, just trying not to think so much but I will definitely check out that book. Thank you.

Fromheeltoheal- Thank you for your optimism. I like that you said to imagine a big and bright future. Prior to this relationship, I was in a yoga teacher training program and intended to open a studio and call it Shine (very bright indeed). I will use this experience to motivate me once I can manage to get off the couch. I just don't know if the right thing is to be gentle with myself or drag myself up kicking and screaming.

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheal- Thank you for your optimism. I like that you said to imagine a big and bright future. Prior to this relationship, I was in a yoga teacher training program and intended to open a studio and call it Shine (very bright indeed). I will use this experience to motivate me once I can manage to get off the couch. I just don't know if the right thing is to be gentle with myself or drag myself up kicking and screaming.

To me there's a balance: focus on the past to take the lessons, many in my case, focus on the future to create something compelling to strive for (Shine sounds cool), and focus on the present by listening to your body and getting the big three in order; diet, sleep, exercise.  The important thing is to not get stuck in a timeframe, any of them, go for a healthy balance, and your body will tell you if being gentle or kicking yourself in the ass are right in the moment.  Take care of you!

[charred]

Time doesn't heal it alone... .I was dumped by my exBPDgf about 30 years ago... and it took 3-4 years for me to really move on, but I didn't deal with it. Then about 5 yrs ago my pwBPD contacted me again... I heard her voice and all the feelings were 100% back... .which was terrible and odd. Got a divorce, we recycled maybe 7-8 times before I ended it finally about 18 months ago. Since then, been seeing a T and been really studying what happened as it made little sense at first.

I think when we are not securely attached... have FOO issues if you will, we crave unconditional love/approval... .but tend to not trust people and keep them at a distance to protect ourselves. Then we meet a pwBPD... and they ignore our boundaries, get close to us and seem to provide the unconditional love/approval we crave... .along with great sex even... and we are hooked. We elevate the person to the position our FOO parent should have had... and feel the world is wonderful. And for that brief time it is, then the BPD kicks in, and they turn hater or just dump us. Then the terrible feeling of emptiness comes.

I believe the feeling of emptiness is much the same as the depression people feel from losing a parent... you are not going to just shake it off and find someone else the next week.

I came to this conclusion, as I had dated and been dumped by many other people without lingering after effects... and had met them years later and it was pleasant but not anything odd. With my pwBPD... the voice alone had tears in my eyes and 100% of the feelings back... and that is after about 25 YEARS... time didn't change it... but it does change normal r/s. However, reunions of parents/children after 25 yrs are just like what I experienced. The feeling of loss can be greater with the BPD r/s... .as we not only feel (under the surface)... like it was a parent... but we have dreams and illusions of spending a life with them, and confusion from accepting much of the abusive things they say as the truth, and many of us are quiet with few friends, so it feels like our dreams, our hopes, and the person we fell for (that didn't in reality exist)... all have died.

The entire r/s is egoic ... .it isn't reality based, and reality seems to be the antidote. When you question the pwBPD and see them as they really are... .the loss is bearable and the solution is working on ourselves to fill the hole we tried to fill with them.

[maxen]

first, pearl, i'm sorry you're distant from your family. that must be very hard. try to stay in touch with them as much as possible. stay in touch with friends, post here, stay connected.

it does take very different amounts of time for different people. i'm 5.5 months out, i wake up every day wishing the world would end, as i haven't the courage to end it myself. yes it's that bad.

and unfortunately i agree with ironman: time won't heal this. my situation may be intensified perhaps because it was the most serious relationship of my life (marriage) perhaps because of my age (50s) perhaps because of the way it ended (my wife's deceit and complete arrogance afterwards about the deceit) perhaps because of my resulting condition (i too am sort of socially isolated) but perhaps also just from what ironman said, the utter lack of closure. you, me, all of us here, have to find other ways to heal.

[Pearl55]

Thank you maxen, it's really hard for a mum to be away from my son. I'm lost, completely lost and feel very guilt. I'm responsible for my son and he lives with that man now. I always thought he became abnormal and then normal and again abnormal and then normal. How could I be that ignorant? A normal brain NEVER acts abnormal. They are mentally distress all the time. I wish I could ask somebody years ago!

Perhaps I didn't because my husband is a psychiatrist himself and I thought all were my fault. I can't stop crying and blaming on myself!