Leaving but dont know how far to go with 4 year old

[livednlearned]

It's great that your lawyer is fired up and everyone is stunned at what happened, especially given the evidence. But keep advocating for yourself. Don't let down your guard right now, not when the stakes are so high. Pay close attention and ask lots of questions. Make sure they know they work for you, and not the other way around. Tell them they are not to make any decisions without discussing with you first, not matter how trivial the item. It's a good sign that your L is outraged, but don't trust any lawyer 100%. Lawyers cut deals all the time. It is their ethical job to represent you, and they perform that act well. But they also want to resolve their cases, and they may negotiate things on your behalf out of earshot in ways that aren't in your best interests. "I'll let Mr. LnL have this if you tell LnL she has to give up that."

I have a really good lawyer, but she has done things without my consent and I had to have a heart to heart with her early in my case. "You told me that this was going to happen, and it didn't. I came here expecting x but then it was y, and that threw me off my guard. Why was I not consulted about this change?"

Everything may work out great, and it sounds like things are all heading in the right direction. Just want to be that little voice in your ear that nudges you to assert yourself so no one takes advantage of you while you're in a vulnerable situation. You've been through enough.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

   MERRY CHRISTMAS!  

So I went to my court hearing today and was very nervous. Initially, I was officially served divorce papers today. Thank God as far as I am concerned. So once my case was up, the judge called the attorneys for all parties into his chambers. Let me tell you that was one of the most intense fifteen minute periods of my life. When my attorney returned to the court room she winked at me with a smile. When the judge began hearing the arguments, he maintained that the order of protection remain in place as is, demanded the return of my daughter to me within two hours (with all of her belongings and at the police dept in my home area), and in open court chastised the in-laws for acting in "not the best interests of the child, but I don't know whose best interests you were acting in". It was a huge win for me. While I have to temporarily remain in state, I do have the window to present my case for leaving at a later time to the court. For example, when I get the actual offer for employment, presenting that to the court and being able to leave. The judge is more open to the idea that I be able to leave on the basis that the DSS worker recommended it due to his family's hostility.

So I am in a good place and now am dealing with some of the emotional fall out with my D having been confused by why I didn't see or talk to her more, the lack of her F being in the picture and confusion over what she felt was "unfair" time with the grandparents.


  AGAIN MERRY CHRISTMAS     

  I GOT MY XMAS WISH   

[GreenMango]

Merry Christmas  

Congratulations O&C that's great news. 

[livednlearned]

  MERRY CHRISTMAS!  

So I went to my court hearing today and was very nervous. Initially, I was officially served divorce papers today. Thank God as far as I am concerned. So once my case was up, the judge called the attorneys for all parties into his chambers. Let me tell you that was one of the most intense fifteen minute periods of my life. When my attorney returned to the court room she winked at me with a smile. When the judge began hearing the arguments, he maintained that the order of protection remain in place as is, demanded the return of my daughter to me within two hours (with all of her belongings and at the police dept in my home area), and in open court chastised the in-laws for acting in "not the best interests of the child, but I don't know whose best interests you were acting in". It was a huge win for me. While I have to temporarily remain in state, I do have the window to present my case for leaving at a later time to the court. For example, when I get the actual offer for employment, presenting that to the court and being able to leave. The judge is more open to the idea that I be able to leave on the basis that the DSS worker recommended it due to his family's hostility.

So I am in a good place and now am dealing with some of the emotional fall out with my D having been confused by why I didn't see or talk to her more, the lack of her F being in the picture and confusion over what she felt was "unfair" time with the grandparents.


  AGAIN MERRY CHRISTMAS     

  I GOT MY XMAS WISH   

Merry Christmas, O&C. This brought tears to my eyes! I'm all choked up and so glad you'll be with your D! Thanks for letting us know how things went, and that you're ok. Did your H appear in court? Be very safe and extra careful right now, the time right after an unfavorable court ruling (for him) is usually the most volatile. Your brother is staying with you, and coming to the police station with you?

Big   to you, and let the healing begin.

LnL

[momtara]

This brough tears to my eyes too!  Judges are largely good and fair when they find out what happened, but you never know if the right evidence will be presented properly, and whether you actually will get one of the bad judges.  I am so glad justice was served.  So did you get your daughter back?  Even two hours makes me nervous. 

This news has made my Christmas merry!

Love to you, your daughter, and everyone reading this.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

She is back with me and we have had a great few days. Now getting into the unforeseen issues of daddy returning, missing daddy, sudden return and upheaval, not to mention the excitement of being home and for Christmas no less. She remembered my brother from the one time she met him over a year ago and has since fallen in love with him as a person she can count on. We did include MIL and SIL on XMAS, as they requested to come over and see her and give her gifts, while they were absolutely nasty to me, I am not willing to do this, although, I am going to consult a child psychologist to see if this is in her best interests to continue a relationship with them. Also, it was brought up casually that H should be able to be in her life as well, but that is for the courts to decide for now, not me.

Christmas and the surrounding days have been wonderful, it is still a dream to me to see my baby in her bed at night and I cant help but kiss her little head softly over and over before I go to bed, I have missed it so much.

Anyone have any good advice on how to broach the subject of daddy being gone with DV and RO in place, I am trying to tread very carefully here, but if there is anyone who has gone through this and understands the inquisitiveness of a four year old will understand what I am up against. She talks about him returning and how he "is gone for the winter", but I am not sure how to respond to her questions other than "it's grown up stuff honey". Very conflicted with this idea.

[livednlearned]

Lundy Bancroft wrote a book that might help you answer your D's questions about her dad: When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse.

Bancroft defines abuse as physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, so even if your D hasn't seen her dad hit you, if she has overheard him yelling at you (assuming he's doing the yelling, and not both of you), she is probably aware that there was abuse, even at age 4.

It changed how I parented my son, and made me feel stronger about leaving. When you end the abuse, it's a very clear message to your kids that you don't allow people to treat you like that. My T referred to it as "changing the script." Your D is less likely to get in an abusive relationship when she grows up. My son once said, ":)addy is probably lonely living in the house by himself." He said that a few months after we left. My response (not thinking) was, "He should have thought about that when he was being mean to us." It's hard to describe that moment in text, but it was one of the most honest conversations we ever had about the abuse. If someone is mean to you, there are consequences.

The trick is to send your D the message without having her vilify her dad. Some dads are able to restrict their abuse to the parents, and while their parenting might not be award-winning, they don't abuse the kids per se.

Anyway, Bancroft goes into all that. I'm sure there are other books about the topic, but this is the one I read and it helped me figure out how to talk about things with S12.

[momtara]

At least what happened might be good evidence to use in the future when you are working out a parenting plan or setting boundaries or whatever you need to do.  It is definitely hard with kids and their questions.  My older child is three and a half and asks to see daddy, etc.