How many of us are introverts? How does this factor in to the grief and loss?

[Discovery]

As the weeks pass, and I spend so much time alone with my thoughts and feelings, I wish sometimes I was an extrovert and felt drawn to be with people to help me detach and be in different environments. I've always been an introvert, spent a lot of time alone, and used to enjoy and really love my alone time.

Now all that solitude I used to be comfortable with feels like devastating loneliness. I can't get myself out to do things with people. It feels like a vicious cycle where by staying alone I have too much time with my thoughts, ruminations, etc. and it keeps me stuck. On the other hand, I have so much overwhelming emotion that being with people feels too much; I'm so close to tears so often that I'm afraid to break down around others. I work from home doing very solitary work so that doesn't help  

I've always been someone who only has a few very deep, close relationships and other friends I only occasionally do things with. My former partner (for 7 years) was huge in my life and w/o him, I see how even when we weren't doing things together or even physically in the same place, just knowing he was in my life I felt complete and content.

I don't know how to break out of my natural introversion to help myself have enough connection with others to rebuild and heal. I see a T 2X a week, go for a walk 4/5X a week w/ a friend, and spend some time w/ my children when they are home from school and not busy with their lives. But the bulk of the day I am alone. I think to myself I "should" go out, but still feel depressed and sad so I'm not very good company. I feel lonely and triggered just going out randomly in town, missing the companionship of my partner.

Maybe I'm just not ready yet? Hard to know the line between cocooning to heal and isolating too much. Does anyone else struggle with this?

[redkong]

D,

Thanks for your post.  This is an interesting question, and one I hadn't thought of.  I am right in the middle of introvert and extrovert, but am finding myself feeling more introverted as I deal with the end of my relationship with my ex BPDgf.  Actually, I think that's what brought me here to bpdfamily - it's the perfect blend between interacting with others yet staying relatively cocooned and safe.

One thing that has helped me is to also reach out elsewhere online - to participate in other online discussions (e.g., book groups) that have nothing whatsoever to do with BPD.  This has helped me maintain some social connections but from the comfort zone of my cocoon.  I know, with time, I'll feel more like interacting with people in real life.  I have set up a few social activities with close friends, and will gradually expand on that.

Is it possible for you to do some of your work elsewhere, such as a cafe with wifi or a library?  Maybe just being in the midst of other people would bring you some energy, even if you're still working on your own.

I think it takes time, different amounts of time for each of us, to work through the grief, bewilderment, self-learning, etc that comes from a relationship with a pwBPD.  If you feel like you're cycling through the same stages or thoughts over and over, it might be time to reach out beyond your introverted world.  If you're still moving forward in your own healing and growth, I would do what feels comforting and supportive. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I too work out of a home office by myself and have felt very socially isolated when I get too busy, even before my borderline ex showed up, and that contributed to my susceptibility to her bigtime.

Like red said, one thing that I do a lot is go to a coffee shop or cafe that has wifi with my laptop and work.  Don't know what you do for a living but mine is all on computer, so I can sit in there for hours and get some work done, always a constant stream of people, and it feels better whether I talk to anyone or not.  But that rarely happens, some kind of conversation starts, even if I start it.

And I'm also aware that hanging out with other people is not necessarily detaching and healing, it just feels better and at minimum can be a good distraction and help us feel not alone; the real healing work gets done with your therapist.  And as I'm sure you're aware there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, I too can spend massive amounts of time alone and not be lonely, but when ruminating over the demise of a relationship it's better to mix it up with other people.  Take care of you!

[Lostlove78]

I too am a relatively introverted person. I like my alone time. I can totally relate to being in my relationship and having that secure feeling of just knowing your loved one is there and in your life. I think it does build into your healing time. You go from being attached to a person in a deep committed relationship back to a person who is broken hearted and left with only your thoughts. I'm a month in from my b/u. On top of her leaving she was overlapping me with another and replaced me right away only to get of all thing engaged to this man after seeing him less than a month. I was devastated and floored. After 4 years, I couldn't nd still at times can't wrap my head around it. A month in I'm trying my best, one day at a time. I know the relationship was toxic, and I know she had a lot of major issues BPD just being one of them, but I loved her so, it doesn't make it by easier. I would say as an introvert that it is important to search through your thoughts, but also get out there and do stuff as well. I've been hanging with the few friends I have, started working out again, and been reading a lot of books,some on healing others on philosophy. Keep your chin up. I know deep down though I have problems like everyone, I'm a decent level headed man, who once healed will love again despite being a shy introverted person.

[Waifed]

I think the fact that many of us are codependent because we lacked something as children may factor in to this. I think that this exacerbates our fear of abandonment and our fear that we will never find a new partner and we will be alone.

[Jbt857]

I'm an introvert who lives alone and works from home too. I am an only child too, and I think waifed has a point - that has played into my abandonment issues.

It's isolating. I do go out to a few Meetups each month, because I moved to this part of the country with my ex, so don't really know anyone. I don't like going to the meetups as such - I'm not comfortable walking into a room of strangers and talking to people I don't know, but I had to do it, otherwise I would have been totally isolated.

I now have a few friends down here, but I don't really feel comfortable talking in great detail or length about my situation to them.

So I totally relate to that feeling of loneliness and isolation and I do think it impacts on how quickly we may heal. But I guess it's also worth remembering that people can also be lonely in a crowd - and in a relationship too, and I know during large periods of my marriage, although I had my BPDexh's physical presence, I felt just as alone as I do now, in reality.

[momtara]

I think this is something I'd like to hear from more people about too.  I was always very shy and nerdy.  I have plenty of friends (also shy, nerdy people) but still missed a relationship.  I met my husband and felt like I finally fit in.  He's shy too, and sweet sometimes, but triggered and angry other times due to the BPD.  I learned to tiptoe around him because it was better than being alone, and sometimes I wonder if I still should do it.

We all want to be first in someone's life.  We can develop friendships and see relatives, but that doesn't make us first.  They all have their husbands and wives.    The whole "Well, keep yourself busy, develop interests" thing is fine, but it doesn't keep you warm at night.

I do a lot of interesting things and create art and read a lot, but that's no substitute for companionship.  I loved taking care of my stbxh and was just glad to have him there even when he wasn't supportive.  I gave my all and still would, if I could live with him without the anger.

I am surely dependent.  My mother was/is bipolar.  So I guess I found some self worth in helping others. 

I do believe I like giving everything to a relationship and am ready to do it again, but I also still feel attached to my soon to be ex and don't know if I can easily love again - it would just feel weird.  I tend to give all of myself in relationships.

Hmmm, maybe we need a support group for ex-spouses and gfs and bfs of pwBPD to meet, although many of us are still hung up on our exes.   

[charred]

I am somewhat of an introvert... .I do a lot of extroverted things and was an extrovert till I was about 7 yrs old. I think BPD is an attachment disorder... and that many of us are insecurely attached. One of the things that happens is that we fear being close to people, because we have been hurt and disappointed so many times in our FOO. We keep people at arms length, and avoid genuine intimacy. A pwBPD comes along, ignores the boundaries that keep others away... and they get close to us. They seem nice, in fact it seems like unconditional love, the one thing someone that didn't have a secure attachment most wants... .and we respond by elevating the person to a position of being in a primary r/s with us. Then the pwBPD turns hater and instead of questioning it, we respond like a young dependent child... we take abuse, internalize it, believe it was all something we did... try harder to please them.

We start from a position of loneliness and isolation... .but often have FOO around, have school, have activities, people we grew up with and that are sort of close acquaintances.  The breakup with a pwBPD... pulls all the scabs off those early wounds... we feel isolated, alone, hurt, betrayed and much of it seems out of proportion to what the pwBPD deserved... .and it doesn't make sense rationally. Feeling wise... .we accepted them as the great parent we didn't have... .then they abused or abandoned us... and we feel shattered. I believe this is much of the dynamic behind the pain of the breakup.

If we entered the r/s feeling okay... we can come out of it very depressed, not sure of what we want, and with most the symptoms of codependency. I know I had no dreams/goals/hopes or motivation. Had been married over 22 years... my exBPDgf found me on FB... and we ended up dating again... and I got a divorce. Realizing what I gave up for a toxic r/s with a disordered woman hurts... and I have been seeing a T for PTSD from the r/s... .as my pwBPD was pretty horrible.

Introverts are usually more cerebral than most people... as in live in their head rather than the real world, are more prone to flights of fancy and being book smart. If you don't interact with people much, you don't get much feedback... as i said I do extroverted things... but am at heart an introvert. My meyer-briggs type is INTJ... which is introverted... and also known as mastermind type. Spend a lot of time thinking and figuring things out and trying to understand "why"... so the BPD r/s... really made me think. Many of my illusions were shattered by the r/s... as I found that things I knew and believed... were not based in reality... .but were ego related defense mechanisms. I believed my pwBPD was my soul mate and the person I was supposed to be with and my life would be blessed if we were together... .and we were not due to my failings. Reality taught me; My dream girl was a bad dream... nightmare really. I made much of my own reality and should have gotten  it fact checked far more often. People we care about matter... very little else really does... stuff doesn't, prestigious stuff REALLY doesn't, and people that are genuine are the only ones I want in my life, the other kind... are a waste of time.

We need to be genuine, meet people... be vulnerable enough to learn to get close to people. Most of the hole that we thought the BPD r/s could fill, is the hole where closeness with people goes... .it doesn't have to be someone we are sleeping with... we need close friends, and family (if they are not the problem)... that is much of being happy.

I am sure there are different kinds of introverts... but the ones I worry about are the ones that escape feeling/living real life by chasing diversions and false dreams. About anything can be used to rationalize not meeting people, not having fun, not living life. Very few healthy people will ignore your boundaries and get close to you... .but pwBPD will... .and it hasn't gone well for me. Some of the blame is my pwBPD's... .some of it could go to my FOO, but since I have largely been on my own 3/4 of my life... .I am the one that needs to change it.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I used to be an extrovert - until I let myself be an introvert. My uBPDh isolated me from family, friends, job - everything. On the other hand, i let him do it for fear of making him mad. Talk about seriously walking on eggshells.

There are very serious antisocial issues he has to deal with - but doesnt want to. That is one reason I have to leave. (I am slowly building the strength to do that.) But yes, I am introverted today - which is why after I found out about continuous adultery it took me 6 months to reach out and tell someone about my pain. And even then, I didn´t come out straight - I just said softly - I need you to pray for me. And then I found strength in sharing details very very slowly.

Its also why Im having such a hard time leaving - I have no friends and no place to go. Well, after my story I have a few. Im working on getting a job. That extrovert is still in me - somewhere. i jsut have to rescue her. In the meantime, I talk to a few people here and there.

I kept waiting for someone to say it was all my fault, because that´s what Ive heard my whole marriage. But they never said that and without that recrimination talking gave me strength to talk more.

So, yes, maybe if I had more friends and hadnt allowed myself to be isolated (it was my choice too) things would have been different. Maybe if I had a job, friends, family nearby and some kind of social contact, my pain would have been relieved faster. Or maybe not... .The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

[ShadowDancer]

I am Gemini. All over the place. I have my place way out in the sticks so I very comfortable with my country time but when I'm "out there"... .whew! I do like fun.

[Bananas]

I struggle with this.  I am an introvert.  Unlike some on this board I don't have major FOO issues but I am a fixer/rescuer type.  People at work can't believe I am introverted because my job forces me to be "out there" but truthfully I have a very small circle of friends.  I live in the country, very isolated so I often go an entire weekend without seeing a single soul.  Being "out there" at work exhausts me sometimes and I can't wait to get home to my private retreat.   

My ex was also introverted so we spent most of our time just hanging out.  I really enjoyed having someone like me that was outdoorsy but also a homebody type and not interested in going to crowded places. 

I am trying to break out of my introversion too, as being alone with my thoughts is not really what I want right now.  But my friends and family live far from me and although I venture out of the house it is usually to hike with my dogs which is often solitary.  Someone suggested I join a hiking group but the thought of meeting new people and putting myself out there is too scary for me at the moment. 

[RecycledNoMore]

My myers briggs personality type is INFJ, I am learning alot about myself on a website called personality cafe, I have become comfortable in my introverted skin.I didnt have alot of friends before my r/ s with uBPDx, now I have 2, and thats ok with me, I will when I am ready, attempt to make a few more, but im not going to put that type of pressure on myself, I have enough to cope with in my recovery, I am who I am, " alone in my rooms" , I do struggle in social situations, I find them quite draining, but I handle it, and revel in my quiet accomplishments.

[maxen]

i think that's a really good insight discovery. i could have written most of your OP myself, and lots of us seem to be in the same boat! i'd like to come back to this but it's late here and i can't brain anymore today.

[Turkish]

D,

Thanks for your post.  This is an interesting question, and one I hadn't thought of.  I am right in the middle of introvert and extrovert, but am finding myself feeling more introverted as I deal with the end of my relationship with my ex BPDgf.  Actually, I think that's what brought me here to bpdfamily - it's the perfect blend between interacting with others yet staying relatively cocooned and safe

oh,  so we can mark you down as probably not coming to the annual BPDF  Christmas meet and greet?

[Ironmanrises]

I am introverted as well. I tested ISFJ. "Conservator". And i too am struggling with the aftermath of having been with a pwBPD(for those who do not know my story).  I have isolated myself from my few close friends because they simply do not understand my pain. And i do not have the energy to try and have to explain it to them over and over why it is that i am still hurting. So i tend to live in my mind, where i have retreated, in this dark period,  to escape the unbearable reality of trying to heal from this. Is any of this healthy? No. I know this. Being introverted and being discarded twice by a pwBPD is not a good combination.

[Supernova9star]

INFJ. I have always been a loner. I don't get close to people because rarely do I find anyone who can relate to me. I read somewhere once that infj's are like 2% of the population. I have just always dealt with the biggest part of my grief and losses by journaling or creating art or reading. I hate crowds, I hate casual conversation and I don't trust people. So that said, my grieving process is probably pretty hard on me. I think if I was more extroverted I could find comfort in others and maybe even date someone else. But I live in my own world where visitors are scarcely invited in.

[Turkish]

 I'd label myself an introvert... .I  worked through a lot of it on my own by the time I was in my mid 30s... . assisted looking for a woman with which to start a family. d1, s3,  here I am. I  wanted someone who was more outgoing than me.  She seemed so at first,  but I  realized later I  was the one.  She even called me a " social butterfly"  why,  because I  actually kept up on my relationships?  would sometimes tell to mutt guy friends,  none of whom lived close to me anymore,  for an hour on the phone sometimes?  that I was friendly when approached (I  usually never approach people)?  that I was real? I  realized quickly that I  was the " extrovert"  in our relationship.  it horrified me at first,  but then I  embraced it.  her?  all anxiety,  or mirroring.  I'm the " real and whole" person.  this has helped me loosen the ties even more to my old shy, introverted and socially anxious self.

[redkong]

D,

Thanks for your post.  This is an interesting question, and one I hadn't thought of.  I am right in the middle of introvert and extrovert, but am finding myself feeling more introverted as I deal with the end of my relationship with my ex BPDgf.  Actually, I think that's what brought me here to bpdfamily - it's the perfect blend between interacting with others yet staying relatively cocooned and safe

oh,  so we can mark you down as probably not coming to the annual BPDF  Christmas meet and greet?

?

[CdnSunrise]

Thanks for this thread Discovery - your story is basically mine: self-employed, with a few very good friends, kids, don't get out much, afraid to break down around others ... .

I really struggled with isolation and loneliness this past summer, especially when the kids spent a week with their dad. As an introvert, I find it hard to initiate social activities, so I often just don't bother -- to my own detriment. T suggested getting involved in activities/volunteering, so I have done some more of that. Volunteering also helps satisfy the fixer/rescuer side! I took my kids on a guided wilderness canoe trip this summer, which helped me form some new friendships. I think it's a slow process - as you heal, you can make more meaningful connections with others. A bit at a time seems to be working for me.

One thing I experienced with my stbxBPDh is that he would NEVER let me have time alone when we were together. When the kids were in bed and I was awake, I was required to spend time with him, or pay the price. I think that in itself nearly drove me over the cliff of insanity, never mind the abuse! So, when I'm feeling lonely and isolated, I remember the bad times when I couldn't have a moment to myself, and all of a sudden I feel a lot better!

[CdnSunrise]

Its also why Im having such a hard time leaving - I have no friends and no place to go. Well, after my story I have a few. Im working on getting a job. That extrovert is still in me - somewhere. i jsut have to rescue her. In the meantime, I talk to a few people here and there.

I kept waiting for someone to say it was all my fault, because that´s what Ive heard my whole marriage. But they never said that and without that recrimination talking gave me strength to talk more.

It's NOT all your fault Monarch, you're just coping with some very unhealthy behaviour in the best way you know how. I think it would be AWESOME for you to get a job and make some new connections with others. I think it will make you stronger and will remind you of who you really are. Good for you for doing that for yourself.

[zkirtz]

As an extravert reading all these topics I can safely say it would not have made much of a difference. I have a.  Lot of "close" friends I know, none of them I told about the troubles I've been into for the past few years, the real real close friends I told some, but they are bored by it or do not understand my trouble, let alone the pain.

One of them I told that I was being abused into this relationship and he never asked further and does not ask me to do nice things anymore, i'm Particularly disappointed at him. A few friends I would have given my life for, I've told them about the situations as they unfolded: "he is threatening me with suicide!" Or "he is mad at me because I didn't walk the dog. I have to go home now, it is very urgent".

The only thing they understood from all this: why is z still seeing this moron". Some had the guts to say it out loud, but in the end, that gave me no comfort or support at all.  I forgot to mention: if I told my dad he would have killed him. Another unwise thing. So my moral here: you are always alone! It is a good thing that there is an internet and this message board.

[musicfan42]

As an extravert reading all these topics I can safely say it would not have made much of a difference. I have a.  Lot of "close" friends I know, none of them I told about the troubles I've been into for the past few years, the real real close friends I told some, but they are bored by it or do not understand my trouble, let alone the pain.

One of them I told that I was being abused into this relationship and he never asked further and does not ask me to do nice things anymore, i'm Particularly disappointed at him. A few friends I would have given my life for, I've told them about the situations as they unfolded: "he is threatening me with suicide!" Or "he is mad at me because I didn't walk the dog. I have to go home now, it is very urgent".

The only thing they understood from all this: why is z still seeing this moron". Some had the guts to say it out loud, but in the end, that gave me no comfort or support at all.  I forgot to mention: if I told my dad he would have killed him. Another unwise thing. So my moral here: you are always alone! It is a good thing that there is an internet and this message board.

In bold-very true.

Most people are spineless... no one wants to get involved in someone else's relationship but they all KNOW... they realize how serious it actually is... they just stand by there idly and LET it happen. It's pathetic.

It's easy to think that you have lots of friends but once you have problems, you realize that you have none... that you're on your own.

[Jbt857]

I think Musicfan and Skirtz are right, in terms of how many friends are truly there for us is probably equal.

However, being an introvert is much more than that. There is a fabulous book by Susan Cain called 'Quiet' about what it means to be introverted. It's a great read.

It does mean, by our very nature, introverts tend to be more inclined to think a lot longer and deeper than extroverts, and so for me, I would imagine there is a difference in the amount of rumination that an introvert experiences, rather than an extrovert.

[maxen]

not only am i introverted, i have endogenic depression. and my marriage didn't end, it was blown apart by deceit and abandonment. so while i've always been very good alone (i once half-seriously considered the charterhouse) and didn't feel the desire to get married until i was in my 40s, having my life and future ripped away in exactly one hour made my natural introversion into a living madness. i think the introversion makes these things harder. we feel more deeply. we ruminate more than the average.

My former partner (for 7 years) was huge in my life and w/o him, I see how even when we weren't doing things together or even physically in the same place, just knowing he was in my life I felt complete and content

i had the same experience, that i was anchored even when we weren't together. just knowing that we had each other was the center of my life.

I don't know how to break out of my natural introversion to help myself have enough connection with others to rebuild and heal. I see a T 2X a week, go for a walk 4/5X a week w/ a friend, and spend some time w/ my children when they are home from school and not busy with their lives. But the bulk of the day I am alone. I think to myself I "should" go out, but still feel depressed and sad so I'm not very good company. I feel lonely and triggered just going out randomly in town, missing the companionship of my partner.

the effect on me of my wife's deceit and flight and her unapologetic (even self-pitying!) attitude about it was total. until just the last few weeks i felt rejected by the entire planet. when i went to the starbucks or even just walking down the street i felt alienated from everyone and everything. all i saw were people in relationships or friendships or conversations - they were together to one extent or another, they were plugged into the flow of life.

at the same time, discovery, you may be better off than you think, if you have the company of a therapist 2X each week and of a friend 4 or 5X each week, and the children too. maybe you can think of it that way, as what you have rather than what you don't have? i don't mean to presume - each of us knows the intensity of our own feelings and lots of people here comment on how they can't communicate the level of pain in a BPD breakup to friends. but remembering what social connection i do have has helped me to deal with what i described in the last paragraph. i have a boatload of cousins (but no sibs) and that has also been hugely helpful (i'll be spending new year's with some of them).

i'm a failure at socializing but i have been forced to reach out to maintain my sanity (i'm not exaggerating there, i really mean maintain my sanity). so here is what i did, and maybe there's an idea in here you can cadge, discovery. my closest friends (i have very few, like others here) opened up about their own lives and that helped tremendously in re-establishing my connection to experience. i met their brother, whom i hadn't seen in 30 years, and now we're in touch; he kind of pushed me onto a dating site! i seized on every opportunity that came my way, like running into an old friend in the neighborhood and getting a call out of the blue from yet another cousin. i sent a little email to everyone i thought i had any excuse to contact, and got back in touch with my best friend in college that way. i started attending AlAnon meetings; my w was/is an alcohol abuser and i'm going to need to learn to detach as i go through a divorce i don't want. and - this is a shocker - i attended a Meetup group, which i selected very carefully, and actually liked it. oh - and i discovered this site.

the key to all this was doing things that felt natural, even if difficult. once or twice these last months in desperation for human contact pushed a connection. that'll happen though, and it was too mild for there to be any repercussions, so i'm not beating myself up about it.

try to keep connected, discovery!

[GreenMango]

 Hi Discovery,

There's a pretty interesting book out on introverts called Quiet.

She talks about how introverts handle being in a mainly extroverted world.  The need to have quiet time.

What I found really interesting was introversion isn't necessarily the same as shyness it lacking assertiveness, and that is isn't about social anxiety or feeling insecure.  It's about needing less social attention to feel good and balanced.  And that introverts feel best and do some of those creative things and works being able to retreat to quiet time with themselves and being able to move more freely in and out of social interaction.

So I'm wondering if it may help to see if there's a element of depression going or if the need to have the quiet time is an introverted thing.  Sometimes depression can have that element of isolation or quiet, but the general sadness might be driving force rather than feeling better and more content with the quiet.

When I was coming out of the relationship, one of the things I noticed being pretty introverted myself and valuing quiet alone time, was that I had been around a person who was very extroverted emotionally and needs a lot of outside attention to fill good.  This was very draining for me and I was tired.  It took awhile to recharge my batteries and have the energy to participate and give with other relationships.

Have you talked to a doctor about depression or your feelings?  Many members experience depression so you wouldn't be alone in that at all.

[Discovery]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing. So good to hear others' experiences.

Thanks to the suggestions, last week I went to the library for the afternoon a couple of times, and that was just right for me to be "with people" but not have to sustain conversations etc. I found I could read, not feel triggered and emotional, and it was really good for me to get away from my familiar 4 walls. As I feel stronger, I will take my books and laptop to a cafe and spend a few hours there too, to help myself slowly reengage with the world out there.

Maxen, I could really relate to... .

until just the last few weeks i felt rejected by the entire planet. when i went to the starbucks or even just walking down the street i felt alienated from everyone and everything. all i saw were people in relationships or friendships or conversations - they were together to one extent or another, they were plugged into the flow of life.

... .I think that's why I didn't want to be out anywhere. I felt apart from it all. Unable to connect to that flow of "normal" life energy. It was painful to see other people just doing life, laughing, going here/there when I felt like I could *never* feel normal like that again.

I am aware I have been in a severe depression (tested by my doctor and obvious to me anyway), brought on by the shock of the sudden and cruel discard. However, I can see that I am slowly getting better. One little baby step at a time. At first I literally could not leave my bedroom and had waves and waves of recurrent panic attacks. Then I was able to be get to a therapy appointment. Then I was able to get outside for a walk. In the past few weeks, I was able to take my daughters shopping, go with a friend to a cafe, and spend time in the library during the day. I am eating better. Doesn't seem like much, but compared to being in bed most of the day in high anxiety, barely eating, it's a lot, and I can see that gradually I am healing.

I have read Quiet, and other books on introversion and have felt comfortable and fine with my natural way of being in the past. I see the strengths of introversion. I'm not shy, I just normally get my batteries charged being alone, rather than with people. But I've been finding that in this situation, what has worked well for me in the past works against me because the difference is now my time alone is dominated by all the cycles of thinking/feeling/crying/analyzing/ruminating/remembering etc about this trauma while my brain tries to make sense of what happened. And I need a mental break - and to do that I need to be somewhere with more distractions and the energy of other people: not alone. Normally in my life, my alone time would be spent doing things I enjoy, working, creating, gardening, reading, etc., BUT without the painful thinking/emotions on overload.

Like jbt said

introverts tend to be more inclined to think a lot longer and deeper than extroverts, and so for me, I would imagine there is a difference in the amount of rumination that an introvert experiences

... .that feels true for me... .I do tend to think more and feel very deeply, so for me my introversion definitely doesn't help at all with rumination after this kind of a crazy-making train wreck  

I think I just need time to come back into balance. One day at a time. 

[Inside]

Quite the leader at an early age, any more, it takes quite an effort to muster the energy... .  I live in the country (too ) and love it, but with daughters away at college (one living at home) and away on weekends I’ve recently spent the last 5 or so weekends alone.  I’ve plenty to do, while feeling I’m at a transitional point in life … and trying to avoid describing it as a mid life crisis

…it seems like I can do both; be 'out there' when necessary, or hibernate when drained.  As my on & off relationship with an uBPDgf continued to disintegrate over it’s 2.5 year course, I’ve likely felt every level of pain associated with it.  The recurrent Re-jigging my long-term plans to include ‘her’ has no doubt taken a toll, too.  And as I’d been actively involved in many community organizations during a long-term marriage that ended 5 years ago, forced to scramble for finances, I’ve dropped out of most in order to focus on finishing my daughters and maintaining a homestead…  And – since I’d been ‘set up’ with my uBPDgf by a group of mutual friends … it’s become extremely difficult to associate with them do to her having painted me an additional layer of black every time we’ve ‘broken up’ … as well as beyond embarrassing to have reconnected with her again and again…

It’s been tuff … like little I’ve experienced in life...   And I’ve not sought or at least followed through with therapy.  My daughters remain close, and time with them is likely the equivalent of a heroin injection!  Work’s a struggle… having been an ‘at home dad’ (community activist, school volunteer and caretaker), it’s been nearly all-consuming just maintaining a job on the periphery of civilization.  Another difficulty has been my (one time) sincere commitment to my uBPDgf…  I’d be recycled, potential women friends would get that I ‘was taken,’ and though nearly off as often as ‘on’ with my BPD mate, I’ve been prettymuch left alone due to my misplaced devotion to her … while she shouts her (reoccurring) independence from rooftops - I hunker down in sorrow wondering what went wrong …and if I’ll ever find a wholesome love :'(

But as pointed out above, what felt like love and an instant connection was more likely someone willing to break down my boundaries and defenses like a healthy person wouldn’t.  It both scares and depresses me though to envision how many potential women I may have to filter through to end up with the feelings I had with her…  Nearly enough to give up searching.  I’d so love to share my family homestead with someone… and so fear losing it forever.  I’d read somewhere around here that when life’s difficult - the worst thing you can have is a relationship with a pwBPD.  Need I say more

[GreenMango]

Discovery that quiet recharge time could totally be hard with the ruminations of loss.  I has that part too.  They did let up with time.

I figured I needed to miss the person - that was a hard struggle.  Let's face it most of the people here loved the person even in a lot of the hard times.  That's a hard thing to just turn off.  Its not something we can just reason ourselves out of.

Time and grieving helped.  And it sounds like you know you needs.  You need some support right now - which is different than your regular introversion. 

Are the times with others getting better?  How's your friends and family?  Im a big proponent of a strong support system when you feeling vulnerable.

[Discovery]

Are the times with others getting better?  How's your friends and family?  Im a big proponent of a strong support system when you feeling vulnerable.

Hi GreenMango, and thanks for asking. I am feeling stronger and a little bit more "myself" again every day. I've been getting excellent support from my therapist, and from my best friends and my sister. I feel really grateful for all of them, and in some ways going through something that makes you so vulnerable brings you closer.

[ednapontellier]

While I'm a mix between extrovert and introvert, I don't like to approach new people in new settings. Maybe a way to be around others would be to join activities where you can just be in the company of others, but not be required to make small talk unless you want to. What about yoga or some other type of fitness class? They can help you meet people and help relieve stress. Or you could join a book club or take a class doing something you're interested in? Maybe a local non-profit needs volunteers, and helping others is a great way to stop ruminating about your own life. Good luck!