I can't breathe

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

5 weeks since he hit me. No contact since Wednesday. I can't function. I just pace and cry and do the bare minimum at work. I barely remember to feed my kids. It feels like I am detoxing. The most horrible detox ever. I check my phone every 10 seconds. There have been texts. I can't believe I lost you, don't leave me alone, I hate you, I miss you, I'm sorry I said I hate you, I hate you. I feel like I'm going crazy. No one gets it. No one understands. I'm such a mess.

[crookedeuphoria]

5 weeks since he hit me. No contact since Wednesday. I can't function. I just pace and cry and do the bare minimum at work. I barely remember to feed my kids. It feels like I am detoxing. The most horrible detox ever. I check my phone every 10 seconds. There have been texts. I can't believe I lost you, don't leave me alone, I hate you, I miss you, I'm sorry I said I hate you, I hate you. I feel like I'm going crazy. No one gets it. No one understands. I'm such a mess.

[Lostlove78]

Take some deep breathes. I'm sorry for your anxiety and sadness. It's all very understandable. You need to just focus on the now and where you are. I know that's hard ruminating about what happened but, all you have is now. The past is gone and the future is not here. Don't pace, don't worry, relax. A number of us here is not everyone has had experiences with a BPD family member, partner, husband, etc. many of us have experienced abuse in one form or another, and in the end think its our fault... .it's not. You are in a stage of grieving right now, the denial stage and guilt, you"ll get through this. And when you do you will realize even more clearly some of the things you already stated. Stuff like "I hate you". You should hate this person. I'm not one for negativity but you need to see that if this person physically hit you... .What type of person is this? There are men out there who will equal you out, challenge you, support you, have passion with you, and be your equal. A person or people we were with are not those types of people. They are in it for themselves. We are objects to suck dry not partners in a relationship. Cut yourself some slack, muster up your dignity and know you are better than this and a stronger person than you think.

[crookedeuphoria]

Oh no. The I hate you. That wasn't me. Those were his texts. I am so not one for negativity either. So not one for anything but love. And I don't hate him. I still love him. I wish I hated him, that would make it so much easier, wouldn't it? But no. I don't.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I remember that feeling -just trying to survive and keep my head above water while everythign else is drowing in pain and confusion. I also know what it is like to love someone that is abusive. Believe me - it may have happened once, but if you go back, it will happen again.

Keep strong and maintain your boundaries.

In my case, the hardest part was wanting to believe the lies that came after the abuse - that he would get better, that he would never do it again, that he would make a stronger better marriage, that he would change, that we were made for each other... .

Oh how I wanted to believe those lies. Hope was my enmeshment - I always hoped he could get better. But he didn´t and still doesn't want to. And then it kept getting worse. And the abuse kept going. And I got worse each day slowly for 17 years. It never got better. It always went back to the same old thing - with lies so profound it was hard to tell what was truth and what was a lie.

You will get past this initial feeling of overwhelming confusion and pain. It will pass. And when you do, keep your focus on making your life better, safer, and emotionally peaceful.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard.    I know it feels like you aren't functioning but you are. This will pass and it does feel like a detox! Deep breaths are a good place to start when you are feeling over whelmed. Take a hot bath, grab some hugs from those kiddos, take a walk, etc... crying is a good release too. 

Turn your phone off for a while once in a while, take breaks from those texts. They will slow down eventually. We're here for you, we'll help you through.

[RecycledNoMore]

We get it.

We know that feeling, always checking the phone, always feeling dissapointment when he hasnt txt, dissapointment when you do get a txt but its not him, feeling hollow and sad, going through the motions of everyday life, its ok to feel this way, im so sorry your going through this.This is detox, this is a battle for your life,one that you WILL win, it will hurt, it will take time, pain and some hard decisions, this is a natural phase in the process, but it will get easier,keep posting, say what you want, let it out, we understand.

[crookedeuphoria]

Hope. Oh yes, I know it well. This time it will be better. This time, this time, THIS time. One thing I have for sure learned. Don't invest in hope.

I am struggling to figure out what my role was, struggling to figure out how I got to the place where I accepted so many things that were unacceptable. Prior to him, I had spent a lot of time working on myself, recognizing my issues, accepting them but at the same time continuing to work on them. I was open with him about them too. Little did I know that they would be used as weapons against me. I honestly didn't think my issues were that bad though, I thought they were just some normal baggage from having lived 44 years. I am big into animal rescue though and I vividly remember on one of our first dates him saying something along the lines of how I "save wounded animals". I remember being offended but not quite sure why. Turns out, he must have seen something in me that I was unaware was even there. Apparently, I want to save wounded people too.

I've been reading here a lot. I just read that he will move on quickly. I know I will be devastated by that but at the same time, I think I will be relieved. My guilt in abandoning him is what is most overwhelming to me (this second. My emotions seem to change every few minutes lately). I know I couldn't stay, I know that I needed to get out for not only my sake but because I have 2 little girls who I am setting an example for (not his, thank god) I KNOW that with time I will be okay but worrying about him is killing me. How do I stop doing that? Intellectually I understand that I'm not responsible for him, I just don't know how to apply it to my life.

I don't know what stage I am in. Grief, I guess. I want to be something else, anything else, even angry would be better than this but I am just so sad. I have never been this sad, it's an awful feeling. I am one of those "life is what you make it" "there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way" type of people. I am not happy. And I can't seem to find my way. I don't understand this at all I am crawling out of my skin.

[Surnia]

hi crookedeuphoria

I am so sorry to hear all this, I hear your confusion, despair. I am worried you are dealing with depression or with PTSD, after all the abuse you went through.

Do you have are still in T or was it all couple therapy or his sessions? If not I would recommend you to reach out to someone.

[crookedeuphoria]

No, I'm not in therapy. They were all his sessions or us together with his many T's. I don't have health insurance. I went to a domestic violence place right after the incident. The woman was wonderful but didn't seem to understand what was so difficult for me. It's my house, we weren't married, we don't have kids together... .it should be super easy for me to just walk away, right? Not very messy at all. Only it's not easy and there is a huge, crazy mess inside my head.

[Surnia]

Mhh, this is not what I would expect from a Domestic help desk... .

Domestic violence is often not something to go on easily with your normal life. 

[crookedeuphoria]

She did say I could come back and see her at anytime but as it felt more like cheerleading, rather than therapy, I haven't. And he only hit me once (he also choked me but I didn't tell her that), maybe she just didn't think it was as serious as some of the other cases she sees. I don't know. Reading on here is helping.

[toomanytears]

hello crookedeuphoria

I completely understand your pain.

I felt the same for days after my h left. So, so painfully agonising, just like someone has ripped your heart out. It went on and on day after day. Tears tears tears. I relentlessly filled my days with seeing friends, going out, going to work and looking on this board. Slowly slowly the pain eased. Week by week it got better. Four months on and it feels like a switch has finally flicked. I think now we might be over and done with at last, after 31 years. There will be backward steps. We now have divorce to go through and I suspect that will be acrimonious. But I'm getting to feel I really don't want him or his cruelty anymore, which will make it easier.

The hell won't last for you. It really won't. Be with your kids - they are the best thing. The next best thing is this board and all the fantastic folks on it. Keep posting.

[Suzn]

And he only hit me once (he also choked me but I didn't tell her that)

This is traumatizing no matter how you slice it crooked. What if you called her and asked if there was a counselor you could speak with? Explain you don't have health insurance and maybe she could give you some resources?

[LynnieRe]

There is, in most communities, some kind of clinic where they will take you regardless.  If that doesn't work out, there's always some kind of crisis hotline that you can talk to anytime.  I did that when I left my husband.  I couldn't afford anything else at the time, and just talking to someone that is supportive and objective made me feel better.  Look up those resources in the community. 

[momtara]

This is pretty typical.  I went thru it after I got a restraining order against my stbx.  I wanted to take it all back.  I missed him, loved him.  the first few weeks are very hard.  But things will look very different to you in a few more weeks.  It's a hard time now because you have no idea what will happen next.  He is confused, too.  Try to do only things that you won't regret later.  If you need to respond to him, not respond, plan your responses, make a list of ways to deal with this, do that.  Are you eating?  That was difficult for me.  Go to the supermarket and bring home a rotisserie chicken and make stuffing.  Just put one foot in front of the other.  If he hit you, you need to learn to breathe again and not walk on eggshells.  I know you don't know what the future will bring, but you will be ok!

[crookedeuphoria]

I don't want anymore mean in my life ever. I feel destroyed. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do. I am like a robot. If one more person asks me what is wrong, I am going to scream. I am always, always clenching my jaw otherwise I will break down. I am always crying. Always. I'm completely empty except for this awful ache inside me. I don't know if we were real. I don't know if he loved me. A friend saw a video on fb of him playing guitar and singing with his new neighbors. Posted by some woman (it was a bizarre coincidence that my friend even saw it). I don't know how he can seem to be okay so quickly. I don't understand anything. I don't know where the light is. I have never been so alone. Snap out of it, I keep telling myself. People always tell me I am the strongest woman they have ever met. I am not strong. My exhusband cheated on me and then showed me pictures and I didn't fall apart this badly. I lived with my boyfriend for a year and a half, not very long at all. WHY can't I get a grip?

I don't know what my core issues are. I wrote a list this morning, all of my issues and insecurities. Fear came up a lot. My childhood wasn't the greatest but it wasn't completely awful. How do you find a core issue? Therapy? Delving into all of the crap? Is that the only way to find out what part I played? My personality is the "suck it up" type. I don't play the victim, I don't like to feel like a victim, I don't consider myself a victim. So what the hell?

I see how a trait of BPD is blaming the other person. He never did that. In a rage, he would call me names and be awful but he never said any of it was my fault. He would actually stress how NOT my fault it all was. He still says it all always happened because he misinterprets something or because he has self loathing. Is that a manipulation tactic or does he truly know that his behavior has nothing to do with me? My head is spinning. I have so many questions and I'm on information overload.

[Suzn]

Crooked breath. Sit down, breath, look around you and notice at this moment you are ok. What I mean by that is notice your breath, what it feels like going in and out of your nose. This is mindfulness. This can help you through these anxiety attacks you seem to be having, this is quite normal after what you've been through.

It sounds as though things in your past are catching up to your normal "suck it up" demeanor. Crooked this is hard stuff you are dealing with, and with what you say of your exhusband, that wouldn't be easy for anyone. Taking on your entire past and feelings, that can very well lay just under the surface (they will wait for you), can be overwhelming.

Try to focus on right here and right now, for now. I know how painful this is.    Can you call this woman from the agency and see if she can get you some resources, someone to talk with? 

[momtara]

Maybe some medication can help you or calm you down during this time?

I think they do love us, in their own way.  It's a mental illness.  Trying to figure it out will make your head spin.  He may appear to move on, but maybe he's covering up his own emptiness and hurt.  That doesn't make it right or make it ok that he hurts people like you.

Hang in there.  You are a good, loving person.  You deserve to feel good and be loved.  :)eep down, he knows it too.

[toomanytears]

hello crookedeuphoria

I completely understand your pain.

I felt the same for days after my h left. So, so painfully agonising, just like someone has ripped your heart out. It went on and on day after day. Tears tears tears. I relentlessly filled my days with seeing friends, going out, going to work and looking on this board. Slowly slowly the pain eased. Week by week it got better. Four months on and it feels like a switch has finally flicked. I think now we might be over and done with at last, after 31 years. There will be backward steps. We now have divorce to go through and I suspect that will be acrimonious. But I'm getting to feel I really don't want him or his cruelty anymore, which will make it easier.

The hell won't last for you. It really won't. Be with your kids - they are the best thing. The next best thing is this board and all the fantastic folks on it. Keep posting.

Well I got home from a weekend away to find he left me a big box of perfume for christmas and I feel I'm right back to square one again. Why Why Why? Only I'm not at square one. I know I'll get out of this vortex again... .it just takes time. But just now my head is spinning like yours crooked. There are so many steps forward and so many steps back... in the end we'll go forward... .this is their illness and we've been sucked into it. We'll get out. They won't.

[Pretty Woman]

Crooked,

   Mine pulled me up the stairs by my hair and then spit in my face. Actually hocked and spit.

I stood there in disbelief.

I got all the calls, I love you, I want you! Then a day later she left me for an ex in Minnesota.

I remember sitting in a bathroom stall crying my eyes out at work. I couldn't function. I still am surprised I never got fired.

This destroyed me.

Still I let her back one more time.

She is gone for good. I hope.